A few pics

Welcome Kaden Matthew! Isn't he just a doll?

Here's Makenneh holding her first baby cousin!!!! She just adores him! doesn't ever want to let him go!

And here is a pic of my sis on her wedding day. We were at the salon getting our hair done. After hers was done, she laid down on the floor to catch a few winks! I had to get a picture of it, bc it was too darn funny! Thankfully we were the only one's in there at the time! I have to mention that this salon is absolutely beautiful. You can tell that it was once an old house and they maintained a lof of that structure. The bathroom still has a tub in it, the kitchen is still in tact, etc. The way they decorated it is absolutely neat! For instance, for curtains, they bought yards of various, matching fabrics and cut them in strips, then tied them around a nice rod. Very neat!

Im sure it's going to take forever and a day to upload a few pics with dial up. Hopefully I have the patience to wait.

Anyway, i don't really have any wedding pics to share, bc these are just the ones from my very crappy camera.

Wow, so far, it's been 20 mins to upload 3 pics...whew. You can bet i won't be doing this often. LOL.

Ok, so it took 25 mins to upload. I was starting to get impatient. i was just about to cancel it when it went through. Glad i hesitated.

I will eventually post more pics, perhaps just one at a time. Matt and Sara got his newborn pics back and im sure I will get one. I will definitely scan it in to share. I usually prefer their hospital pics to be in the white tshirt bc it's sooo newborn looking. But, my brother and sara put Kaden in a UofM (our college football team) onesie and used a U of M blanket as the background. He also had a uofM hat on. It is soooo cute! Yes, as you can guess, my brother is a huge Michigan fan! The baby got a lot of Michigan stuff...i diaper bag full of Michigan baby things like rattle, pacifier, bibs, sippy cup, etc, they also got a Michigan baby mobile and tons of MI clothes! Thats just what i can think of off the top of my head. Hope he turns out to be a Michigan fan and not a State fan, eh? LOL.

Today was quite hot, although I didn't have to deal with it much. I turned the air conditioner on as soon as i woke up. it kept it comfortable in here. It did start to get a bit warm later in the evening, but i think the humidity increased later this evening as well. Jeremy heard 104* for tomorrow, but my cousin heard 96*. Either way, it's going to be quite hot! Im leaving the air on over night and hopefully we can survive the heat!

So, hope everyone getting this heat wave stays cool and that's all I have for now!

Escape

I want an escape. I want to run. This has been a day from hell. Pure hell. The kids do not listen. I spend my entire day getting after them. I am burned out. And it seems any nice thing i try to do for them gets turned into an ordeal. I let Makenneh go play with her friend...when it came time to come home, she acted a complete fool right there in front of her friend's mom. I was mortified. She sat there in the pool, refusing to get out, sticking her tongue out at me. It took every ounce of restraint to not get in that pool and yank her out not so nicely. She was invited to come back tomorrow and swim, but I think she will be staying home, most likely in doors for the day. I hate to keep her from her friend, but she has to learn that she doesn't act that way. She is so argumentatative and bossy and all out disrespectful. If they had boot camp for 4 yr olds, she would certainly be there. I hate that i cannot enjoy these kids. I spend my days tense and frustrated and ready to just run. I think tomorrow I am going to clear her bedroom of all toys and take her movies away and as she behaves, she can slowly earn them back. maybe she has to be stripped of everything to realize that I am the parent, I am in charge and she will listen and do as told and have respect. I absolutely dread being here all day with these kids. I would rather have a root canal or walk on glass. I know it sounds awful, but this blog is for me to vent and that's what I'm doing. It is 10:40pm and both kids are still awake, bouncing around. I have yelled, i have swatted, I have placed down for bed. Still they go. It's probably good that I don't have a car right now, bc im almost sure i would be in it and long gone.

Then, to save money, we have been rolling our own cigarettes (I know, we should just quit, but easier said than done). Well, Jeremy sat here all damn night at the computer desk, with the stuff to roll cigs and didn't roll a one. He must expect that i should sit up all night rolling him enough for work tomorrow, while tending to kids. Well, he will be surprised come morning. Im not a freakin cigarette rolling machine.

Oh and it's my month to host bunco. well, it wasn't originally, but we had an open month and i volunteered. My mother in law said we could use an empty apartment at the complex she lives/works in. Well, last week they cut her hours almost in half and she thinks they are trying to get rid of her, so she said she isn't asking them for anything, so I have to find somewhere else to have bunco. My place is just too small and the floors are bad and jeremy never seems to find the ambition to fix them (another vent in itself). I just long for the day when i have a decent home to entertain company in and a decent car to drive and spare money in my pocket.

Ok i really have to stop now bc the more i type the more infuriated I become. Not to mention, i just know that everyone doesn't want to hear all my gripes. Even if this is my blog. Who wants to read all that depressing crap?

What are those blotches??

I so miss my cable internet. This dial up tests the very patience of even a saint. I have no patience to start with. So just imagine my frustration! And if i had cable, I would take a picture of Makenneh's stomach to show you the blotches she woke up with this morning. WE couldn't figure out what they might be. I thought maybe mosquito bites, bc both my kids welt up from mosquito bites. But, these were huge. Like the size of a silver dollar or larger...and welted. Well, I called my aunt to see if she could stop by bc my mom is out of town as of today. (That figures...lol). After even further inspection, the welts have a hardness and warmth to them as well as a "puncture" or bite spot. They look and seem like bee stings. But this girl has about 5 of them on her. It seems strange that she could be stung 5 times and not cry. 'Tis a mystery! But I do know we have bees around here like no other!

Today was a lazy day. I slept and/or laid around for most of it. I haven't felt my best in the last couple of weeks. It started with my period. The endo has to be out of remission bc i spent a good 4 days mostly in bed, in pain. Once I got over that, I got a lovely migraine which lingered for a few days. Even today, i felt the nagging pain in my head. Of course the ugly depression has its grips on me as well. Being stuck here, without a car and broke as broke can be leads to endless bouts of depression.

My brother called today. it's funny but since becoming a dad, he has called many times, just to chat. Anyway, i was telling him how aunt Missy more or less invited her and my uncle over for my bday (which is aug. 11 and falls on a saturday this year..woohoo) for margaritas. He asked if that's what i really wanted to do for my bday. I said, well, it doesn't really matter. Mom, sis and I are having a yard sale that weekend as well, which i don't mind, bc well, face it: we are broke and it's not like I will be doing anything exciting. Sis said we could do a cookout or something that day, while manning the yard sale. Fine by me. I really am easy. Well, my brother said Yeah that sounds good, then maybe have a bon fire that night. Then, he says, Hey, my pole barn is cleaned out now so we could even do it here if you wanted. So, it now has been decided that we will have a cookout/party at my brother's. So, i will just tell mark and mis about this and invite them along. Better for me to get out of this trailer for a change. I spend every day couped up in here. And, seems how it is my day after all, i get to pick what happens, right? I really do, don't i? LOL. Great! Then how about a week away...in a hotel or cabin, near the water with someone else to clean up and meals made for me and days spent lounging in or near the water? C'mon, it wouldn't be that difficult. My state is surrounded by water on 3 sides..i wouldn't need to go too far! LOL. Yes, i could use a vacation. I have even romanced the idea of hitching a ride up to my gma's all by myself. No hubby, no kids. Just get away and have some peace and quiet. I feel bad even putting that in black and white. it sounds so selfish. But, the inner being in me is screaming out: I am a woman. A human being! I am not just mom and wife and daughter. I am more. Really, i am. There is more to me than dirty dishes and mounds of laundry and endless vacuuming and dirty diaper changes and wiping butts and cooking dinner. There is a woman who likes to go places, do things, get out, let my hair down, enjoy an adult beverage or even 7. who likes to laugh and have a good time, who enjoys painted finger nails and getting a hair cut and oh how I'd love to have highlights in my hair! But, i guess for now, I am stuck here. Stuck sounds so horrible. But, literally, I am, short of begging and bumming rides, stuck is what i am. But, have no fear. Something good has come of all of this. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to stand up and fight. If nothing else, this spot I'm in has motivated me to do something. I finally got the fire under me to get my ass back in school. And that has given me back some hope. It has given me the realization that it doesn't have to be this way. That there is more out there for me. I just have to go get it. You know, it's kind of ironic, but really, I think I had it too easy growing up. It sounds funny if you think about how I grew up, in that money was very tight and we didn't have much money. But, that wasn't the point. The point is, mom busted her ass to see to it that we never went without. We always had what we needed and more one way or another. She never let us know just how tight money was, how hard she has to pull to keep the ends met. Add to that the fact that everything came easy for me as far as school. I have never had "fight" for anything i needed or wanted. it has all just come to me. And so, I don't know how to fight. I never had to learn. Now, here I am, almost 27 yrs old with no fight in me. So, to those of you who have had to fight and fight hard, had to overcome huge hurdles, just remember that those things have made you stronger and instilled a sense of hard work in you. It isn't exactly best to have everything come to you. Those obstacles make you stronger and able to fight for what you want/need. I guess the best is to find the happy medium. If there is such a thing. My other problem is probably just simply accepting everything as is. Not having the desire for more, for bigger, for better. Now,i want more! I am sick of settling. So, here I go! better late than never, right?

And while I'm busy analyzing things and doing my soul searching and all that jazz, let me tell you something that I really came to realize. it even ties in. I never knew just how damn good I had it growing up, until I sat and listened to my teen cousins tell of the horrors they deal/have dealt with in their homes. Add to that the whole Desiree drama. I never had to worry about dad not coming home or that my parents would get into huge fights, that my dad would snap and hit me with a closed fist. I never had to fear my dad. I never had to be subjected to verbal or physical abuse from either parent. I never had to deal with favoritism and being on the short end of the stick. I never had to doubt that I was loved. Sure, i did my fair share of telling my parents that I hated them and they were just trying to ruin my life and how could they love me bull crap. And boy do i feel like a fool now. If i had known then what i know now, i would have never taken any of my childhood for granted. I never would have taken for granted that my parents put us kids first, that they made sacrifice after sacrifice for us kids. or that all 3 of us were treated equally. or that we were disciplined with love rather than anger and vengeance. Seems how i can't go back and show more appreciation, I have taken the time recently to let my parents know how grateful I am for my childhood full of security and love and harmony. And that's not to say my childhood was perfect, but after some of the things I have heard, it was pretty damn close!

I have more things on my mind. See what happens when I'm gone for so long? I go on and on and on bc so much has built up in my mind, with nowhere to vent. One thing troubling me is the things going over and over in my head in regards to my cousin being gay. Her dad told her that her grandparents are rolling in their graves bc she likes girls! ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME? I told her that if anything they are rolling in their graves bc of his behavior towards her. She is his daughter and he should love her for who she is, not who he wants her to be. Since she has admitted to having a girlfriend, she has been treated like a 3rd rate citizen, less than human. It is horrible. And this treatment comes primarily from her own dad. When they were out of state, he pinned her on the floor and screamed in her face that she won't like girls! WTF?! What good does that do? hell, living with a man like that, I would probably find men repulsive too! I want so bad to tell him that all he is doing is pushing her away and hurting her so bad. I really think a lot of his issues is not with her liking girls, but rather with the fear of how family will respond to it. Get over it. Your job as a parent is to love your children not worry about what others will think. His sister in law lives with her girlfriend. He has no problem with them at all. In fact, he always made comments about how cool it was and glamorized the whole girl on girl thing. I guess it's ok for everyone but his own kids. I just ask that anyone reading this say a prayer or do whatever it is you do that he will come to his senses and realize that no matter who she loves, she is still his daughter and he should love her irregardless. For me, as a parents, having one of my children admit they are gay is the very least of my worries/concerns. There are so many real things to worry about, to get upset about. Things that are actually detrimental to their well-being.

Well, i've ranted enough for one night. i need to get my aching body to bed. Take care!

I'mmmmmmmmm.........

BACK! Yes! You read that right! Where's the smiley that does back flips? There is so much I could type. I will start with saying that dial up sucks! but, not nearly as bad as having no internet at all! LOL. It took about 7 mins to get to my blog so i could post. So, with that in mind, it will take me some time to get caught up on your blogs. But, I promise I will do it! I have missed you so much!

The most exciting news to share is that I am all set to start College in Sept. I can get my books Aug 8 and I can't wait. I have my classes and my financial aid is in my account. Good to Go! First day of class is Sept 4!

Next is the birth of my nephew! I am now an aunt! Kaden Matthew was born on July 12 at 1:13pm via c-section. The C-section was scheduled even though Sara was only 37 wks bc she developed pre-eclampsia. They pushed to 37 wks. But, even 3 weeks early, little Kader bug (my nn for him) weighed in at 6lbs 13.5 oz and 19.5 in long. His apgar scores were 7 and 9. The 7 was bc he didn't wanna cry at birth at first. But, it didn't take him long to get the hang of that! He has a head full of dark hair and is just absolutely beautiful! And my brother makes me beam with pride! He is so awesome at this daddy business. He has no problem changing diapers, bathing, anything and everything...he does it with joy! And he loves the baby sling, missed using it while Kaden was on a biliblanket for jaundice (the blanket had to be plugged in, so it limited mobility while holding the baby). And boy did Sara bounce back great from her C-section! She is doing great as well!!!! I know you want to see pics of this beautiful baby, but I have to upload them. Tonight i am weary and ready to check in so i will have to post later!

The next exciting news is my sister is now Mrs. Ralf! LOL. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and everyone had lots of fun! Makenneh did wonderful as flower girl, although she did forget to drop the pedals. No biggy!

On a sad note, my cousin Desiree lost her best friend in a horse/car accident. Desiree's best friend was Crystal (12 yrs old). They bonded instantly and spent a lot of time together. They could relate to each other bc while Desiree's mom died and her dad ditched her, Crystal's gma had recently died and her dad is a dead beat at best, leaving home for months at a time, while mom had to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Well, the night of July 7th (same night as sis's wedding), Crystal took her horse to Desiree's house to see if she was home. She had 2 friends with her. One on another horse and one on a bike. They were going down a side road (which Crystal lived on), when a drunk driver came flying down the road. He was going so fast that his car kept bottoming out (est. speed was 65-70 in a 45 mph zone). The car bottoming out spooked the horse and he reared up. At that very moment, the car struck the horse, throwing Crystal off. Both Crystal and her horse were killed instantly, right there in front of the other 2 kids. The drunk got out of his car, went up to the other kids and asked, "Is she dead?" then took off through the woods. The kid on the bike took off for home and got help. The guy turned himself in the next day. He is still awaiting arraignment on the charges. Sadly, Crystal's mom had just made the last payment on her mom's funeral from the previous year. The community has come together and there have been benefits to help offset funeral expenses. AT first, the family was just going to have her cremated with no funeral/visitation bc of costs. But, ppl stepped forward and they were able to have a showing and funeral for her. They still opted to have her cremated bc the family has been planning to move out of state and want to be able to take her remains with them. I feel so bad for Desiree. I mean, i feel for the family too. But, Desiree has lost soo much in just a few years. I broke down crying and just kept asking God, "WHY?" How much can one little girl go through? What has she done to deserve all this pain?

On a lighter note, the summer has been ok. Makenneh has already started asking when she gets to go back to school! It must be so confusing to little ones to go to school, then have all this time off. She has also made a new friend. Audin (not sure how her name is spelled) lives across the street and down a couple lots. She is 4 and was born just a couple weeks after Makenneh. Of course, while this is nice, it comes with its own stress for me. For one, I'm not good at this stuff. Until now, Makenneh's "friends" have been either family, my friend's kids or classmates. So, now I have to deal with all the social graces which to be honest, im just not good at. Audin's mom, Tegan, had said that she has mon and tue off and Makenneh can come over. Well, it's hard to get kenneh to understand that she can't just waltz over there whenever she feels like it. I also don't want to intrude or have makenneh overstay her welcome or anything like that. And when Makenneh is there, Tegan feeds her, even. Agh, life was easier when we stuck to ourselves....lol. Makenneh also has taken to the two neighbor boys bc they catch her lightening bugs and have a puppy that they let her hold. She thinks that's just cool. So, we have been more neighborly with them as well. And makenneh hounds to go hold the puppy. She has no sense of boundaries or something. Don't know how to explain it. But, she figures if she wants something, why shouldn't she be able to get or do it.

Sebastian found a favorite word...NO! It is frustrating. For a long time, counting to 3 worked wonders with him. I would say 1 and he was on it, moving. Now, when i say 1, he says no. Grrrr. Thank goodness for those big beautiful blue eyes...lol. Oh and Makenneh writes mom now! It is so cute. She can't get her name down yet, though. She has done make and that's it. She's also learned how to play slap jack and we usually play several games a day.

Well, our car is still out of commission. We have to get something figured out before school starts, though. It is so depressing being stuck at home every day, relying on others to take us to the store and do any other errands we need to do.

Well, I have typed enough for now. The kids are fighting bed time so i need to help get them snuggled in as well as try to read some blogs. But darn if everything doesn't load so slowly!

It's so good to be back and can't wait to hear from everyone!

here for a min

Hey guys! just wanted to drop in and say hi. im at my uncles and using his laptop. its crazy,bc the keys are in different places....anyway, sister's wedding is this sat. we got everything under way for the most part. my dress fit almost perfectly. that made me quite happy.

My brother's gf is probably going to have the baby soon. She has preeclampsia and had to stay overnight in the hospital. they let her go home, on complete bedrest. she has to do 24 hr urine sample and take them to the hospital. depending on what they find, they may be inducing her soon. they wanted to wait til she is 37 wks so they are hoping her blood pressure and all is down. sara cant go to the wedding even. doc said absolutely not!

other than that, the kids are getting bigger every day. smarter too!

oooh ooooh btw, i signed up for classes the other day. i start college sept 4. jeremy is gonna try to go back as well. so excited. and i got an extra $1300 grant so that;s real helpful.

well, we gotta get going to take care of final wedding things. hope to be back up and running soon...looking into dial up. ill try to update again soon.

miss all of ya