Up and down

I was looking in the list of posts and noticed this was just saved as a draft and i don't know how that happened that it never got posted....so, seems how it isn't that old, i figured i would post it bc some of you may be wondering about how the dinner went or whatever. I will update stuff at the bottom.

Where to start first? Well, the most exciting part of today is that I called my brother in law for help finding the scholarly article I need for my Psych research project. I had been searching on my school's database for days (spending at least 4 hours total, broken up over days, of course) trying to find an article. I finally located one the other night that would be perfect, however, it wasn't available in full text format through my college's library. I clicked the link to see which libraries had it and the University my brother in law attends had it. So, I called him and he went on their site and located it and emailed it to me. I just printed it off, all 16 pages of it, and will now be able to move on to the next step of reading it and summarizing it. Whew! That's a huge step done. I was also able to get more of my test review done for Psych. Of course, in writing this, I just realized that my Midterm exam for the social welfare programs class is WEd and I need to also spend some time on that. The good thing there, is that we get to use any and all notes, including the power points the teacher gave us!

So, on to the family dinner. I could almost be mad at my mother! She had asked what time we would be there and suggested, in the same breath, around one. Ok, sounded good. Except that we get there and she hadn't even put the turkey in. Then, after a couple hours and neither my brother nor sister showing up, I asked what time she told Carrie to be there. She said she didn't know. I called sis after awhile longer and sis said mom told her 4! I was like, wth?! I had to laugh, but also wanted to scream a bit. My kids were being monsters...Sebastian very whiny and Makenneh very demanding and mouthy. I was ready to pack up and go home before this point even arrived. Well, Sis gets there and we figured Matt wouldn't be there until closer to 5 or 6 because he had a wrestling tournament with Collin (his gf's little brother). Well, we called around 5 and got no answer, so we went ahead with dinner. LEt me back up to say that I decided to arrange for cake and ice cream in his honor seems how his bday is Tues. Well, anyway, we finish dinner and clean it all up, still no word from Matt. We call again, leave yet another message. My mom, sister and I play a game of Apples to Apples and still no word. Finally, dad comes out and says, well, I guess we have cake and ice cream without him. By this time it is 7pm and dad and Jeremy both have to be up early for work, we can't wait forever. So, we took pics of the cake and all and even lit the candles and sang happy bday for ridiculousnesses sake, I guess. LOL. Then, we had our cake and ice cream and got ready to go. Makenneh really started. She wanted to play Aunt Carrie's guitar and she didn't want to go home and we couldn't make her and Never and the works. She climbed under kitchen table and held on to a chair leg. Jeremy had to get down on his hands and knees and actually pull her out from under there. This wasn't the first case of battle with her for the day, either. By this time, Jeremy and I were both fit to be tied. She is a big girl and it isn't easy to wrestle around with her. She kept tightening up and flailing around and refusing to stand or do anything, so she got a swat on her butt. We had to "drag" her out the door, crying as if the world was ending. She refused to sit in her seat and Jeremy had to physically get her seated properly and buckled in. It was just a horrible time, all the way around. We got home and she was better. I think some of it has to do with the fact that she knows my mom will give in to her. So, she acts accordingly. My mom had tried to step in and "save" makenneh during the last fiasco and was upset that Makenneh got a swat. My dad spoke up and said, "hey, they have been trying to get her to cooperate for some time know and frankly if it was one of our kids, I would have spanked them already." He reminded her that she has to stop stepping in/giving in, etc. But, we got home, got settled and everything went fine. She even got ready for bed with ease and we snuggled on the couch and watched one of their movies. She fell asleep without a problem, even. Of course, I dozed off a bit ago on the couch and now I will probably be up for awhile. Agh!

Oh and remember the static in my land line? Well it has cleared up. By some miracle. I had bought a new phone, but even before it was hooked up, the old phone was clear. it is so nice to be able to use the phone without the crackling and static. I can actually hear the other person.

And, I woke up this morning to laundry going and Jeremy had cleaned. He put away dishes and picked up and vacuumed and folded some clothes and hooked the new phone up and I was so very happy!

+++++++++++++++

Now, for todays post, which is to me, still Thursday, the 28th, despite being after midnight....

I had my second Psych test tonight. I got 100 percent on last week's test but don't think i did "that" well on this one. Sure it's still a decent grade, but not perfect.

We had Makenneh's field trip today, to the Children's Museum. My mom and sister went with us, per Makenneh's request. WE had a good time. My sister took pics on her "old fashioned" camera so when she gets them developed, I will hopefully post some. AFter that, we went to the farmer's market.

I am exhausted again tonight and could just as easily crash, but I have so much homework yet to do. I made a list of everything that I have to do and woah, it's quite a lengthy list. I was able to cross one thing off. Tomorrow I will have to hit the books. My brain is too mushy for any of it tonight. I think i am going to head to bed very very soon!

Take care and enjoy the extra day this year!

Julie's looking for spring

well, an so am I! But, today, I found it. Either that, or a sign of global warming. Depends on your outlook on life. Kinda like, is the glass half full or half empty? Is it sign of spring or sign of the damage we do to our planet? I stopped at my parents' today to do some homework in peace and quiet. Well, when my sister was leaving, dad and I walked out with her. I glanced down to the side of the path and there was a caterpillar, inching his way across the snow. Now, wouldn't you know it none of us had a camera handy so you don't have to believe me. But, you can bet that I scooped that little creature up and put him in a jar for Makenneh, who has been itchin to play with bugs again. It was the strangest sight to see the furry caterpillar making his way across the glistening white snow, in the chilly air of late February. I said, "Oh, look! It's a caterpillar! Spring is on the way." And dad, being the pessimist that he is, proclaimed, "Nah, that's just a sign of global warming." Eh, someone always has to rain on my parade. LOL. I said, "but do you really buy into the global warming thing?" (because i didn't think it was something he would agree with...really). He said, "well, how else do you explain a caterpillar in the snow?" Hmph. Leave it to dad to use logic and all. I still see it as a sign of spring. That's what I want to see. So, Julie, take it as you will. A sign of spring, if you wish.

Yesterday (friday for me, depending on your time zone and sleeping pattern and all) was a bad day. I have no school or anything on Fridays, so i was looking forward to getting some serious homework done. The only problem was, I have two children, almost 5 and almost 3 and every bit naughty. They had other ideas on how I should spend my day. Most of their ideas had to do with keeping them out of mischief, cleaning up messes they made and things of that nature. We did squeeze in some rounds of tickle monster and jump on mommy while we are on the couch and hide from daddy under the covers (in hopes that they would fall fast asleep). But, mostly it was a very stressful day for me. So stressful that finally, near 3pm I decided we needed to get out of here. I planned to go to my parents, in honest hope that they would keep the kids for a couple hours so i could work on homework. Except that Makenneh melted that she didn't want to leave and she wasn't going anywhere and she held fast to the rack over the toilet, determined not to go anywhere. I, determined we were going somewhere, hell, anywhere, went in search of socks for both the kids. Well, my laundry has been neglected. I do put a couple loads or so in every day, however, i never find the time to fold it, so it piles up in baskets (Helen, I know you are cringing at my laundry madness). So, i started to dig through the baskets in my hallway (bc my washer/dryer are off the hallway...typical mobile home set up). As I searched, I sorta snapped or broke or something...i sank into one of the baskets, odd socks still in hand and sobbed. I remained there, coiled much like a beaten child, crying, for about 30 mins. Then, I got up, thinking I just wanted to leave it all. For that moment in time, I could understand women who walk away from it all. I almost felt that I could pack a suitcase and just disappear. But, the maternal side of me always kicks in. I came to the couch, still in tears and I sat there. This is where I am opening myself up for judgment, but honesty is best. As I had gotten up from my coiled position in the hall, I said out loud that I was just gonna leave. I can't take anymore. BAD MOMMY. Makenneh crawled up next to me on the couch and threw her arms around me and said, "You can't leave mommy. I love you." and that's when I realized a few things. One is that she is right. I can't leave. I really don't even want to leave. I love these little people more than life itself and I love my husband and really, I am right where I need to be. The other thing I realized is that I was so wrong for even saying that out loud because now this poor child fears that her mother, the person who is supposed to protect her and love her, will leave. So, using this as opportunity for discussion, I admitted my wrongdoing and apologized and asked for her forgiveness. I assured her I wasn't leaving and that I love her. We snuggled together on the couch for most of the time left before Jeremy got home from work. We talked about it again, because she told daddy that mommy got mad and said she was leaving (to which Jeremy was quite upset that I did..understandably so). So, we talked again about how mom was upset and said something I didn't mean. I still feel like a complete ass for the whole thing. it is ok to be upset. it is ok to be mad. It is not ok to make my children doubt the stability in their lives. HUGE NO-NO. It was also made clear to me that I really do need to see about getting back on my meds. I can't get like that again. AS long as I am in school (and I plan to stay in school, believe me), I will have stressful times where homework and housework and childrearing and such are all required of me at one time. It is going to be a part of life. I have to be able to overcome it and get on with things. That is the hardest thing for me. I can handle a few "pile ups" of stress, but I have a low tolerance...lower than normal anyway. That's why both times I have tried working I have quit. I couldn't handle the added stress and could take no more. It is awful to feel this way. I would give almost anything to be "normal". there have been times I have hated those pills I have to take daily to keep me on an even keel. I would envy those who can just naturally do what I needed a pill to do. I have come to accept that this is who I am. Of course, without insurance, I have gone almost 2 years without my meds. Overall, I think I have done pretty well. But, incidents like yesterday remind me that I do need the meds to regulate me. Anyway, enough of that. I have put it behind me and I felt much better today.

Today was spent out of the house, by myself, doing homework. Jeremy told me last night that I could go to the library or wherever to do homework. Fantastic. Not that I needed his permission, by any means, but fantastic that he recognized my need for solitude, peace and quiet so that i could do my homework. So, today, around noon, I set out to go to the local college campus. There, I would have unlimited use of the computers and the printer (without having to pay for what I print) and of course, peace and quiet. but, when I got there, i saw that they were closed. I could have gone to the main campus but I didn't feel like fighting the parking mess and driving out there, period. so, I called my sister thinking I could go to her house, use her computer and all would be well. Except that she was at my parents and she said I was more than welcome to use her pc but reminded me that she doesn't have Word on hers. Ah, that's right. She said she was at mom and dad's...so i decided I would go there and do my homework. Mom has word and while she doesn't have internet, I could get by without that. I could just use what I had in my notes and my text. I tried to use my flash/thumb/whatever you choose to call it drive on her pc, but the dino doesn't take them. So, I worked on the paper a bit, the old fashioned way..pen and paper. But, I was getting hungry (hadn't eaten all day) and plus, well, sister was there and that's a distraction, bc i wanted to visit. So, I hung out with her for a bit and then I discussed my assignment with dad. He is pretty intelligent and even philosophical in some ways, lol. After that discussion, I had a bit more insight to my paper. He also mentioned, after seeing how stressed I was, that perhaps I was over complicating it. What? Me? Over complicate something? Never! Hahah. I agreed. WE talked about how mom had made a list, but left it behind, of things to get from the store. So, i figured I would meet her at work, wait for her to get out and we would go to the store. I arrived at 230ish. She thought she would be out at 3, so I took a seat at a booth and got out my homework and started writing. I accomplished so much while waiting for her (she ended up not getting out til about 430). I got most of my paper written. Then, we went to walmart and got the things we needed and by then, I was feeling dizzy, light-headed and faint from not eating (except for the lean pocket i had at her house hours before). By the time we were in checkout, I was shaking like no other. YOu could visibly see it. We drove back to her work so she could load her things in the truck and we each headed home. I had picked up a take and bake pizza from their deli bc I didn't feel one bit like cooking and not to mention, I needed food now, now 30 or 40 mins from now. So the rest is mundane. Came home, made the pizza, we ate, watched a movie, put kids to bed and he fell asleep on couch, too. So, I have been sitting here in pure silence for a couple hours. A couple hours in which I was able to type up my paper (maybe not the best it could be, but the best without my having a break down) and i started on taking notes for my Psych test that is thurs. Overall, I feel quite accomplished. And in case you recall our plans for Friday night....we canceled them. there was no way i felt like going out after the day I had and not to mention, I had to get the homework done. We rescheduled for next weekend and we will see how it plays out.

Tomorrow (which is Sunday) we are having a family dinner at my parents' house. We had a whole turkey in the freezer that needed to be cooked, so that's what we are having. Mom is doing mashed potatoes/gravy and I talked her into just doing Stovetop (bc this was the point that I was feeling dizzy and such at walmart) and then corn. And who knows what sis or brother will bring. Well, mom said that Matt was going to be over later because he had wrestling with his gf's little brother (my brother takes him and basically coaches, as well). Hopefully my antisocial, homebody of a husband doesn't try to weasel his way out of going. i will be very upset if he does. I can't understand why anyone would want to spend all their time at home. Ugh! LOL. Opposites really must attract.

Still not rid of all the viruses. Norton did take care of a couple, but I uninstalled it the other day because I was sick of all the prompts and such. I have since attempted to dl some of the programs Noname suggested but nothing is dl right. I will sit down and work on in one of these days when I am not so pressed for time. (like never, maybe).

Well, that's it for now! Hope everyone has had a great weekend and hey, maybe spring is close!

clarification and other stuff probably

My parents rarely have ever made a late payment. I am almost certain if mom had to choose btwn eating or paying a bill on time, she would pay the bill on time. She is anal about it. They are working on consolidating to 0% interest and such to get the payments down. And with dad back to work, of course, they will be getting back on track. Just seemed that everything went to hell at the same time.

I am very happy to say that my dad called my brother yesterday to ask about the car. I am sure it took some swallowing of pride for dad to have to do this. But, my brother did agree to let him use the car and he even came over and took dad to pay some bills and run some errands and get the car legal for the road (tags, insurance, etc.). So, dad spent the rest of the day fixing the car (needed a new fuel line) and he should hopefully be good to go. That makes me feel so much better. I hope that my brother feels good about what he chose to do and that he realizes that sometimes we do things that aren't beneficial to us at the moment but we do it because it is the right thing to do and it makes us feel better in the long run. I really don't know what is going on with my brother. He has always had a selfish bone about him, but it seems that in the past year, he has become more self-absorbed. Before he and his gf got into this adult foster care work, we used to hang out all the time. Of course, back then, we were both living in the same park. But, we would have dinner together more nights than not, hang out and watch movies on weekends, etc. Then, they moved into the first AFC house and it just dwindled from there. This job does tie them down bc they can't just up and leave bc the clients can't be left alone. They can do nothing without first setting up relief work to come in (except for during the day while clients are at program). Add to that they had a baby in July and well, time constraints play a part, I suppose. Then, my brother has this idea that we should all come to him. But, they don't ever go anywhere to visit even when they have the chance...well, at least not to any of our homes. I don't know..it is certainly different with sons/brothers. My sister and I have our parents as first priority, i guess you would say. Whereas, my brother and gf have her parents (who are divorced) as first priority. Of course, the adjustment wouldn't be nearly as bad for my mom had my brother not been a momma's boy! She struggles with all of it. I try to talk to her and put it in perspective, but it's still a hard pill for her to swallow. I have to admit that I never imagined he would be this way about it all. He never comes over to our parents' ok, rarely...and he has only brought the baby over there a few times. It's different for my mom because I have always taken my kids over there, I talk to her every day on the phone, and I make sure that I stop by a few times a week. Of course, mom and/or dad watch one or both of my kids once or twice during the week depending on work schedules and my school schedule. I suggested to mom that she start hosting Sunday dinners..i think that will help get them over to visit and everyone able to reconnect. So, this sunday we are doing that. Anyway, enough of that!

I had my Psych test last night. Let me back up to earlier in the day. I needed to study and get my research proposal ready. I was up late the night before working on this and then Sebastian woke up early...so I had like 3 hours of interrupted sleep (bc Jeremy couldn't find his wallet before work and woke me to ask if i knew where it was). So, i started my day exhausted. I got the kids ready so i could take Makenneh to the bus stop. got her on the bus and ran to the store to get a few things we needed. I came home, started to work on the proposal and the norton crap was popping up, scanning, doing all this stuff that made it almost impossible to get anywhere. the key code wasn't working so norton would do most stuff, but i kept getting prompted to register, to enter keycodes, etc. I was so frustrated. My uncle called to ask if I had been able to finish his paperwork (I am his personal secretary..he had papers from friend of court and I had to fill them out...he can't read/comprehend well). So, i had to stop what I was doing to finish up his paperwork and get that set to mail. Then, mom called and needed to be picked up from work (the truck wouldn't start that morning so she got a ride to work and now needed one home). No big deal. Well, it certainly put me under a bigger crunch, but it's my mom and I will do what she needs. So, i get me and Seb ready and bundled and go get mom. While out, I stopped by post office to mail uncle's paperwork and then came home. I again fought with this computer to try to get access to the college library site to find my scholarly article. To no avail. Then it was time to get Makenneh from bus. So, again, we load in the car and go up to wait for bus. We get back here (and mind you this whole time I am so exhausted I am sick to my stomach from it) and i try some more. In the meantime, I also start dinner. I feel like I am stretched beyond my limit and felt a snap coming. It came! Jeremy come home to me sitting at desk, head in hands, crying. The kids were being horrible and Sebastian made more messes than I care to think about...including fish tank gravel on my carpet, popcorn dumped on loveseat...it never ends with the kid! Then, mom called and asked if i had class and if i could drop off some hamburger buns to her (they live like 2 miles away). So, i agreed, wanting an excuse to leave early anyway. Makenneh was being mouthy and told to go to her room, she yelled, "NEVER" and then continued to disobey...battle of wills btwn her and Jeremy. I just stayed out of it. I had had all I could take. I called mom back to see if she wanted to have what I made for dinner (chicken and noodle casserole, new recipe). So, that's what I took them, in addition to buns for the next night. I got to class with about 10 mins to spare. I decided that I knew all I was going to know in prep for the test. I was over it. The teacher started with the next 3 chapters and then we took the test. The next 3 chapters will be on our test next week. OMGosh, it's a bunch of stuff to know..the brain, the senses, the nervous system...so much info. And she went through ti so fast, there was little time for any notetaking...so mostly have to go by her powerpoint handouts and the book. she did give us a review outline that we can take notes on and use on the test. Anyway, we finally got the test in front us. Thankfully it was all multiple choice adn we could use our notes. So, i think i did ok. I am safe to say that I at least got a 3.0 on it. That isn't good enough, imo, bc I love the 4.0 but sometimes, we can't do it all. I felt some sense of relief at having gotten the test out of the way, but of course, there is another test next week and so more studying on top of all the other tests and homework I have. This semester is certainly more challenging than last.

BREATHE!

I am currently trying to download some of the programs noname gave me, but every time I try to download something it either won't dl or won't open. Grrr.

This blog is going to be my therapy that gets me through the next couple weeks. So, bear (or is it bare...lol) with me. By typing it out, I am able to work through solutions and see things more clearly and objectively.

Back a few weeks ago, we all (my parents, sister, brother, their spouses, and other family, friends) all went to the local bar because my sister was going to get a chance to sing with the band, on stage. Well, my one aunt and uncle didn't really have money to go so we said we would buy some drinks. Well, in turn, they said when they got their taxes back, they would take us out. Well, he called yesterday to say that we would go out this friday night, their treat. So, that's the plans for tonight. It will be nice to get out of house for a few hours. Then, the rest of weekend will be spent on homework/studying. Somewhere in all this mix, i need to find time to get packing. We have gotten some things packed, but there is a lot to go. Can't remember if i posted this or not, but we are going to stay with my Uncle Ken for a few months. That way, he can get her out of there sooner. It's not the best solution, but it will work and take some pressure off me. It had gotten to where he would call me almost every day to see if we had found a place and whatnot. UGH! I have lived with him (when he was still married) before and it was fine. He is very laid back and easy going for most part. The things that bug me are his racism and his warped views on things. But, he knows where I stand on these issues and I will not hesitate to remind my children of what I believe should he say anything in front of them. Like, if he uses the N word in their presence, I will say, "Makenneh, we don't use that word because it hurts some people's feelings and that isn't nice." Things like that. Or if he starts talking about gays...i will remind my kids that God loves everyone (tempted to say, even your uncle who is saying things he shouldnt...lol, but i wouldn't really say that)...and so should we. Things to let them know that it is not good/nor ok to say those kinds of things. I don't think it will be much of a problem because he does know how i feel and where I stand on those things.

Anyway, see, I am going on and on again...bc it is so therapeutic. I should stop now though and finish my rounds on here, while i try to continue to dl those programs that I am so grateful for being suggested. I want this computer cleaned up. Oh and Julie had asked if brother in law still has disk...i don't know. He has all but fallen off the face of the earth..he is busy with college and work study and such and hardly hear from him. We will hopefully get something figured out, soon!

head spinning

So much homework, so little time. I have a test in Psych tomorrow. I am happy to say that I have completed both of the chapter review sheets that we can use for our test. She said we could take and use notes...but I don't know if I am going to get that far. I have put it up for the night and we will see how much I am able to accomplish tomorrow. Then, after I get this test out of the way, I have to get right on my Philosophy/ethics paper. Then, once that is done, I have to start working on my multicultural project (yeah, i have another of those to do this semester for my sw class-programs/comm. welfare). This time, we didn't get to pick our topic, but rather draw one out of a bag. I drew American Indians, but traded to get African Americans so that I can work in my aunt's group. She drew African Americans. Each slip of paper contained 3 areas to cover. That way, the group work is already broken down with each person already assigned their part. I like that idea for sure. In addition to this, I must also continue to work on Psych project, which is frustrating me. i cannot find a scholarly article pertaining to parental status and hours spent studying. You would have to think that someone, somewhere along the lines has studied/tested this. But, i am finding nothing. So, i may need to change it up a bit. But, the proposition is due tomorrow night, so not much time.

I got another 100% on an assignment in Human Sexuality. This was our 2nd paper and it was about advertising and gender roles. Yay, me!

On a very positive note, my dad was called back to work today. They called him this afternoon and he could have started tomorrow, but they have no car. Theirs died (motor) and they still owe on it. However, even a used motor for this car is astronomical, so idk what is going to happen. They don't want to buy another car, as they are still making payments on this dead horse. They have a car my sis gave them but it needs a fuel pump and computer for sure, not to mention whatever else he will find after putting in a new computer and the scans actually show up problems. The car sat for several years and well, that is very hard on cars. And the car is in general rough shape, mechanically speaking and dad has to drive to Novi, which is over an hour from home. So, he needs reliability. Doesn't have to be fancy or anything, but reliable is a must. The best part about him being called back is that they won't lose their health insurance. When their new contract went in effect, it was stated that when you were laid off, your insurance would run out at the end of that month. So, he was laid off in Feb, meaning at the end of hte month, they would no longer be covered. Mom is on several meds, including blood pressure pills, that she can't be without. So, it has all worked out. I am sure the car situation will as well. There is so much I could say about this but i don't know how late I wanna be up. LOL. The thing is, my brother has a car that is sitting at my parents' house. It just needs a few minor things and dad said it would be the cheapest to get on the road. Well, my brother has wish-washed with giving the car to them. He has a car right now and just sold one. They manage an adult foster home so someone has to be home at all times, when clients are home. They can't just up and leave on a whim. So, really, they don't need 2 cars, because, well, someone always has to be home with the clients. brother and his gf are doing well for themselves financially, especially considering all bills are paid (no rent and consumers, house phone, groceries are all paid by the company). On top of that, they get a monthly salary for doing it and my brother works two jobs, one being UPS. So, anyway. To backtrack a bit (I so need to get this off my chest, so bare with me). My dad and brother went snowmobiling last winter (as they have done every winter before). The one sled blew up, so they went to a dealer and my brother decides to buy a brand new sled. Only he needed a cosigner. Dad cosigned (without consulting mom) and the loan is done through a line of credit with the snowmobile dealership, like a credit card, i guess. At any rate, the idea was my brother would, what's the word....refinance, there...refinance the loan, in just his name. Well, he hasn't and the worst part is, by dad cosigning on such a large loan, it over-extended their credit, thus jacking up the interest rates on all of their credit cards, raised their car ins. premiums bc they are now considered high risk bc credit is over-extended and a few other repercussions. All this and dad gets laid off. their cc bills have almost doubled with the high increase in interest. They are drowning. Mom got a job (that is killing her bc of the stress level, i watch her deteriorate every day, i swear) to help with the bills. Brother seems to live in oblivion in his own world and it just frustrates me. Our entire lives, our parents have sacrificed every thing for us! Everything! They have gone above and beyond their responsibility as parents to do for us and help us out. Yet, in their time of need, when brother has the means to help them out (by way of letting them get his extra car on road and use it at least until they can get one) and he won't. He says yes, then changes mind. At first he said they could have it in exchange for dad fixing his truck (another vehicle of brothers that is sitting at our parents'). Dad was ok with that. Then, he said he instead wanted to trade my mom's sled for it...well, my mom's sled is like brand new, very low hours on it and worth a few thousand dollars. This car is worth maybe $700. Not a fair trade at all. So, mom said hell no. by this time both mom and dad are feeling very hurt. dad, who is not an emotional person has been reduced to tears several times by my brother's seemingly selfishness. THE CAR IS SITTING, NOT ROAD READY, AT OUR PARENTS' HOUSE DOING NOTHING, WHILE MY DAD COULD GET IT ON THE ROAD AND BE USING IT. I don't get it. Meanwhile, I have a POS car that is falling apart, with well over 200k miles on it and I let them use my car whenever possible to get mom to and from work or for dad to things he needs to do, pay bills, run errands, get parts for other cars, whatever. I have sat here many a nights without my car so that they could use it. No problem. I figure it's the least I can do. I just wish that I were in a position to do more. IF i were my brother, that car would be theirs, no doubt, no strings, nothing. I guess, from a general pov, my brother doesn't OWE them anything, but I think the right and decent thing would be for him to let them borrow car at least. I mean, dang. But, he has hurt my parents so many times lately that my mom has said she won't take the car now if he just gave it to them, no strings. My heart breaks because I just know all that they do for us "kids" and well... What can ya do? I put a call in to Jeremy's friend who works for a tow company bc his boss will sometimes get cars that ppl don't pick up or owe impounds on, etc and he will sell them pretty cheap. Hopefully they have something. Otherwise, I have no idea how he is getting to work on Monday. And the worst part is, I have class on mon and wed..but i might have to let him use my car and just find a way to my classes. IDK. I certainly will do that if it comes to that, but i don't know if my car would even be trustworthy enough to drive that far. It's still not completely fixed from the last episode, as he hasn't been able to find the part and seems how i only drive short distances, it isn't really an issue right now.

With dad going back to work he has to close up Papa Daycare. He has been watching Sebastian on Mons and Weds for me, while I go to my afternoon class. I now have to find an alternate solution. I do have a few or at least a couple possibilities. We will have to see how things work out. Mom came home in tears today and she never did say why. Well, we told her the good news about dad going back to work and she still was quite upset. He held her and was asking questions as to why she was crying and he asked if she had a bad day at work (she has many, that's a subject i will get into another time) and she said yes. He asked if she quit and she said no and he said, well you can now. I really hope she does. This job is not worth the toll it is taking on her emotionally/mentally. She is being "railroaded" by her supposed best friend....who is her boss. It's just a bad situation all the way around. She gets dogged so bad at work that customers even notice and comment on it. One threatened to go give the "friend"/boss a piece of her mind. she was livid at the way friend was treating my mom. so, yeah, the job is not worth it, imo.

Well, this has turned into a lengthy post. And sadly, i have more things I could talk about. But, before I go, I do want to thank Julie for the info on antivirus sites. I did borrow norton from my uncle, but it's saying it can't connect with liveupdates and it's just not working..idk what the problem is. I did just dl the program Julie told me about and we will see if that works. hoping it does..or at least that something does. And it's not dl right. says some files are corrupt. Grrr. *bang head against wall*bang*bang*bang*

Oh and Leigh...I do not accesserize at all, either. I have had my ears pierced since I was 5 and the last time I think I wore earrings was for my wedding, almost 4 yrs ago. I own one jewelry box and it's one that my gpa had gotten me the last Christmas he was alive. It is mostly empty. Some foreign currency, odds and ends and now one necklace. LOL. I have no fashion sense...just give me a pair of jeans and tshirt, thankyouverymuch. Beyond that, I can't coordinate and I can't keep up with what's "in". So, I don't try. I have been wanting to be a bit more "fashionable" i guess you could call it. But it takes too much money and time. I can shower and be ready in 15 mins or so, if need be. Who has time for all that dawdling and primping before a mirror? But, a very small part of me wants to get into wearing makeup (beyond the basic foundation to cover breakouts and eyeliner) and wearing cute/stylish clothes. I did buy myself a new outfit right after we got our taxes back. It is a lime green top with black trim and a pair of pin-stripe black dress pants...do ya know what I'm talkin about? I have wanted a pair of those pants forever. I never got any because I wasn't sure I would wear them...but this outfit is absolutely cute and the neckline on the shirt really calls for some kinda necklace. It scoops down a bit and leaves the chest bare (not the breasts, people....lol) One of these days (after viruses are gone and all) I will wear it and take a pic to post. Maybe! I said the outfit was cute, i didn't say I was cute in outfit. LOL.

Ok, pry my fingers from the keyboard....I can't stop. I love the whole typing thing. I could type for hours on end.

Good night!

Virus

My computer has a virus or 50. I am not happy. I am hoping I can locate a copy of Norton Antivirus software, because, well, it isn't cheap to buy and not in our budget right now. But, I so need it. I need this computer especially for my Psychology class. I might have to break down and buy a copy if nobody I know has one that will work. I just hate to take more money out of our little "savings" fund that we need to get our own place. But, if you don't hear from me, take no worry...my computer just is on the fritz. I don't know how long it will hang on. I can only hope for the best.

I had my jewelry party and it actually turned out better than I had expected. You have to have $250 in sales for the party to qualify. I only had 5-6 people there so I didn't expect a turnout. Well, once she totaled up my orders, I had 269.00. For that measely party, I get $94 in free product. I am so excited. She also let me keep the party open for a week so I can try to get 6 more orders bc if I do that, i get even more free stuff (they double your hostess benefits for having 10 orders and 2 bookings..i have 4 bookings!). So, I know Jeremy's aunt called and said she would order, so I need to give her a call, then I need 5 more! I am hoping to find them. Because, free is a good price to me! Makenneh stayed for the party, against my better judgment. But, I am more than proud and pleased to say that she was so well behaved. I thanked her and praised her immensely, afterward. She helped pass out the fake money for the game and she sat quietly the rest of the time. Of course, when the show was over and we were able to try on the jewelry, we think she tried on every piece that was set out. She is in love with the jewelry and like her Aunt Carrie, she goes for big and gaudy! I swear Makenneh should have been my sister's kid! She likes the big and gaudy stuff, she loves the music, singing and playing guitar and she loves animals and farms and oh my. She also loves to be in the spotlight and show off...I'm in trouble, aren't i?

Speaking of that, my cousin said that Walmart is doing a fashion show and they need children to model the Easter dresses and such, so Ashley is signing Makenneh up for it! She would love it! Getting to prance around like a princess! She does it all the time. she loves to wear to skirts and dresses and she will prance around here asking if she is pretty?!

Ok, I have to keep this relatively short. I have so much homework/studying that it is making my head spin. I have two chapters worth of review questions to do for our test that is Thurs and I also have to study for said test. THen, I have a paper due for Philosophy..i mentioned this yesterday, didn't i? Yeah, well, as you can see, I need to be hitting hte books!

Keep warm and take care!

I'm still here!

But it's been busy and my computer is now infected with spyware and viruses. Ugh. So, I don't get online more than necessary for homework. But, Julie emailed wanting to know about the car part and realized I hadn't updated since then.

The car part worked, but it was missing the relay switch, so we have to get that part and hew as unable to find it. However, the car is running just fine, as with the cold weather, we shouldn't even need the radiator fan at all. The main problem, as they discovered, was a leak, which has been fixed and he also added some sealant stuff to the antifreeze which helps to seal up any leaks in the lines and such. So, for now, we are good to go. I am still hesitant to drive the car any real distance, but it gets me back and forth to school and stores, etc. Things needed for daily existence.

My jewelry party is tonight. I have to go to the store to get some snacks to serve tonight. I don't think the party is going to turn out that well, i mean, people are broke and who can spare the money to order jewelry. But, Carrie needed a 2nd booking and I was the lucky duck! Now, I have to try to get 2 bookings, myself. I'm not gonna stress about it.

I got 100% on my Human Sexuality test. I am sooo excited about that. That means, I keep a 100% in the class so far! I have a test on Thurs in Psych. I have 2 study sheets I have to to go through and do and we can use those on the test because she has had to combine several chapters in a test bc we had lost so many days with weather. I also have a paper to write for my philosophy of Ethics. It was actually due last night, but i had missed last week (that's when the car died) and my dumb ass never thought to check the syllabus bc all we have done in that class is write notes from his 3 hours of lectures..i figured that's all it would be. But, the teacher was kind enough to let me turn it in next week. Thankfully! That class is graded as follows: 25% on attendance (can only miss 2 days before it drops ur grade), 25% on class assignments, 25% on paper one and 25% on paper two. So, as you can see, no room for error in this class. The bright side, no tests on this abundance of knowledge we receive each week....like 10 pages of notes per class. And the text book doesn't do much help at all. to be honest, I haven't even read more than a page or two.

Today is my *forced* volunteer day for the month. most of you know how I feel about this. I have no problem with volunteering but I hate the fact that the teacher assigns days and we are to show. Well, if we can't, it isn't a huge deal, but the way they set it up sure makes it a big deal to the kids. I struggled with how to handle it today. I have massive amounts of homework and studying to do and that jewelry party tonight (which was booked last month, before I was aware of which day would be my volunteer day). So, here I am....not going to volunteer day. Makenneh didn't ask whose special day it was today so I don't think she realizes yet. She will once she gets to school and this is where knots form in my gut. I know she is going to be upset that I am not going. That's what I hate even more about the assigned days to volunteer. They play on our guilt by making it the child's special day. I know I have complained about this before, but i have some new readers (one, at least). So anyway, it seems to say to the child that they aren't in fact special if mommy or daddy or someone on their behalf doesn't show up to "volunteer". Grrr. I usually ask makenneh if so and so's mommy came in on their special day, to get a feel. it does seem that several times, parents don't make it in. I will do something special for her tonight to make up for it. Gosh, being a parent can be so hard.

Well, I need to get to the store. Get on with my day. It's snowing to beat the band again today. I don't think Spring will ever arrive. I am more than ready to be done with snow and cold. Bring on the jackets and let me put away my darn winter gear.

Keep warm and have a great day!

My sister might have her "gettin' tires" shirt...

So, we have this little joke in our family because my sister had to go get tires for her truck (this took place a couple years ago). Well, the day she happened to go in to get the tires, she had worn a lower cut top (nothing trashy, but certainly wasn't a turtleneck). Well, she ended up getting a good deal on her tires so she joked that she will have to start wearing her "gettin' tires" shirt more often. LOL. Well, today, my mom took me to college and hung out in the lounge for the 17 mins it took me to take my test. We left the college and headed to the junk yard to get the part I needed. I walked into the dark, chilly, damp, smelly office and told the grubby guy that I had called earlier about a radiator fan assembly for a 94 dodge intrepid. The other grubby man went in search of said part. I stood there waiting, afraid to touch anything. I was wearing a soft baby pink sweater and felt rather delicate, even at my very large size, when standing amidst all these grease and grime. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, grubby man number 2 appeared with this big part that was for me. It looked like a greasy model of those window fans you would use. The grubby man number one asked what price he had quoted me on the phone. I told him $45. HE said, "No, i couldn't have. Are you sure?" I said yes. He got out a slip and asked my phone number and then asked again about the price. I was beginning to think he was gonna try to get one over on me bc I was a female. THen, he asked how much money I had. I was taken aback by this. What the hell? I mean, this junk yard isn't located in the best neighborhood. A few years ago, the owner of one those shops was shot down right in front of his business. I said, sarcastically, "oh lots....not". I had seen him write $25 down on the sheet but i figured that was just part of the cost...He says, "how bout $25?" I was like, Oh sure! So, yeah, i walked out with my greasy grimy part and a shit eatin grin on my face. My sister may have her "gettin tires" shirt, but I have my "gettin radiator fan assembly" shirt. LOL. I know this had to be a good deal bc one of the other yards I called quoted me $70. So, that's why i went with the place was cheaper. ANd only to get an even cheaper price. So, I am happy aobut that. Hopefully, tomorrow, Jeremy will spend Vday getting my car fixed. LOL.

Back to the college expedition. I woke up to my mom sitting here in my living room this morning. I was quite shocked. But, it was kinda nice to wake up on my own and not to a disaster out here. Both kids were up and loving the fact that gma was here to great them in the morning. I liked having help with getting the kids ready for the day. We ended up being ready with about an hour to spare. The kids hounded up that entire hour, "when is it time to go?" They aren't used to that much spare time. We took Makenneh to the bus stop, got her on her way to school and headed to college. We arrived almost 45 mins early. We were just making good time. I sat in the lounge with my mom and Sebastian until it was time to leave for class. I left them change for the vending machine and Sebastian had a book and a car. I took the test and it only took me about 17 mins total. I was back to the lounge and my mom couldn't believe that I had already taken the test. I'm quite sure I aced it. The answers were almost obvious for most questions. One question about the researchers who made sexuality a norm to be studied had this as one of the choices for an answer: A. Obama and Clinton. C'mon now. Unless you live in a bubble or under a rock, you know that isn't the answer. the other 3 choices were almost as obvious, at least to me. Process of elimination made most questions easy to answer.

So, I felt a bit better about today. Things ran smoothly and the day flew by. I had my aunt pick me up for my class tonight, bc she has the same class. It is my social work class and the teacher is a social worker in one of the local school districts. She has her Masters in Social work. Well, before class, I went up and asked if having a Masters in SW would enable me to be a counselor/therapist. Sure enough! So, I have finally decided on a career path. With a Masters in Social Work, I can have so many options. There is an entire page listed with possibilities. having this degree would even qualify me to be mayor! lol. (not that the degree is necessary, but makes me qualified, kwim?) So, anyway, overall, today was a good day.

Oh and after the junk yard expedition, we went to walmart. My mom was picking up a few things for dinner tomorrow and I decided to do the same. Jeremy loves Lasagna, so that's what I will make for him. I also picked up one of those Sara Lee Cheesecakes from the freezer section. I know, totally cheating...but with classes, I don't have time to be Betty Crocker. Or gumption, one of the two. At any rate, he will be happy. I have class tomorrow night, so we aren't doing anything too special. I really don't get into valentine's day much like I used to. Growing up, mom loved vday and she always made a big deal out of it. she would decorate the house, pack little love notes in my dad's lunch, leave lipstick love notes on the bathroom mirror, things like that. When i became a teen and had a bf, we made a big deal out of it. I probably spent as much on vday as i did on Christmas. I loved all the pink and red hearts and the candies and flowers and romantic things of the season. Then, i met Jeremy and well, every day really is like Valentine's day. Well, most of them anyway. I fall in love with him deeper every day and I have that mushy kinda love for him all the time. WE still flirt with each other and show our love all the time. So, i guess, I just didn't see the need to get so wrapped up in the day and get upset if he didn't present me with some wonderfully expensive gift or something. Knowing that he is there for the rest of my life is all the gift I need...hallmark won't benefit much from me. LOL. Except for my weakness for greeting cards. OMG, I can't resist the mushy ones. I simply can't. So, i had to buy him one. And one for each of the kids and one for my parents from the kids. So, I did spend some money. Oh and I got each kid a cutesy vday stuffed animal that was 2.97 each. A "hornicorn" for Makenneh (aka, unicorn) bc she loves them and a monkey (need I say more) for Seb that whistles when you press the little button. Of course, Kenneh caught gma bringing the bag in and spotted her hornicorn right away. I had to give them their gifts..she was sooo animated over the hornicorn. Then, we sat down and did her vday cards for her classmates and grandparents and I cooked dinner and off to school I went, without enough time for my own dinner. Thank God for leftover chili when I got home.

Oh and my uncle kept calling today and always at the worst times (trying to get kids out door for bus, on my way to school, etc). He finally talked to my mom while I was in the junk yard and told her that we could move in to his place...i guess he is desperate to get her moved out. He had offered this before, but wanted us to move in there in hopes that she would get frustrated and move out. I refused to be the bad guy. I told him if he wanted to tell her to move out and we do a switch, then that was ok. But, otherwise, no. So, i guess he is ready. I didn't get to talk to him myself...so I don't know. And Im not one hundred percent sure we want to make that move either. It would be better than at my parents, bc it is a more laid back atmosphere...but sometimes, it's too laid back. LOL. Anyway, I guess we will see how the cookie crumbles. Jeremy didn't seem to eager to do it, but sometimes, he over complicates things. I mean, we need to move and the sooner the better. It has gotten to the point that when my uncle calls, i cringe bc i know he is calling to passive-agressively let me know that he wants her out meaning we need to move out. It drives me insane. I want the whole thing over so i can move on to the next chapter in my life, hoping for better times.

I found out from my aunt tonight that our refund checks from college should be dispursed around the 18th of feb, which is about a month sooner than I thought. She talked to someone directly in the Financial aid dept, so they probably know more than the registrar's office. I am hoping that is right. Sooner, the better.

I'm mostly just babbling, i suppose. I love my blog...a place I can put all my scattered thoughts. They certainly need some outlet.

Phew!

Well, Jeremy had looked at the car last night and thought it might be the thermostat. He took it out and tested it and that wasn't the problem. Tonight when he got home, we took the car to my dad's and they discovered it was the radiator fan, as Jeremy had expected. The bad thing is, the part brand new is $300. I have to call around junk yards tomorrow and hope we can get a good one for a much much much cheaper price. I don't know what we are gonna do about moving. All this stuff coming up cuts into the little bit of money we have to move. I did apply for a student loan last week but it can take up to 6 weeks to get it. So, still making lemonade over here! When i got home from Bunco, Jeremy informed me that I would need a ride to school tomorrow. I wanted to melt down. We have a test, so I CANNOT miss. My mom has to work and is using my sister's truck, so there go two possibilities. My uncle is working 2nd shift so he can't. My aunt will be at work and my brother just started a 2nd job recently, leaving nobody that I could think of to take me to school. It especially sucks bc i go to school 20 mins from home and the class is only 1.5 hrs long and probably will let out early tomorrow bc it's a test day. I just called mom and she said that she will tell her boss she has to leave at 1130ish to get me to school. They are slow and she gets sent home early all the time anyway. Then, she will just hang out up at the college while I am in class. I feel much better knowing that it taken care of. Then, I will need a ride to and from my night class tomorrow and Thursday.

On a positive note, I won 2nd place at Bunco tonight and it was a real nice frying pan. I definitely could use a new one. So, i was happy with it.

Well, I need to get off here, finish feeding my internet addiction and get studying for the test. Gah! It's Human Sexuality so you would think it would be easy. But, it's a Sociology class and it covers anatomy/physiology too. Not to mention all those theories on Human sexuality. Freud's theory will probably be easiest, because that one is taught most often. The others...hmmm, not so sure, except that thankfully, their names usually lend insight to the meat of the theories. The feminist theory for example, suggests that there is a hierarchy of power and men hold it and everything that goes on is basically the man getting over on the women. It's kinda pitiful to read because some of it is just well, so damn feminist. bleh. Then the Queer theory (yes there is such a theory) suggests that we need to realize that not everyone falls into these "typical" gender roles and "typical" sexuality and we need to embrace it. So those ones will also be easy to remember. Thankfully it's mostly multiple choice!

Ok, have a great night and if you are one of the many getting snow dumped on them, like we are, stay warm and safe!

Time for lemonade

Life deals lemons...

After getting Makenneh off the bus today, I pull into our parking spot and shut car off...only to see the steam rolling out from under the hood. I knew it wasn't good. I got out and came around to passenger side to get Sebastian out of his car seat and as I reached the front of car, I saw all the beautiful green liquid spewed all over. In fact, it was then that I noticed the lovely trail of green stuff in the snow, down the road. Just like Hansel and Gretel leaving a trail. Ugh. I called my dad, who gave me hope that it may have to do with a leak...bc he had noticed a puddle of the antifreeze at his house. Jeremy got home and after looking it all over and talking to my dad on the phone in that foreign language of car mechanics, he decided it might be the thermostat. Took that out (mind you it is frigid cold out today) and tested it only to find that is working properly. Of course it is. IT would have been a cheap and relatively easy fix. So, he surrendered for the evening, because it is just far too cold. Tomorrow he has to tackle a couple more options. He did notice that the coolant fan isn't working. So that could be it. So, btwn my parents and us, we are down to well, an old, beat up truck...that's as old as Jeremy and rigged all over. So basically, no vehicle. Pooey. I had to miss class tonight. Hopefully it can be fixed in time for me to go to class Wednesday. Wed afternoon I have a test. Which I need to be studying for.

Oh and the chart just doesn't seem to phase Makenneh. I am serious when I say my kids just aren't like regular kids. I have pepped the chart up, make a big deal about it and the prizes to be had and all that hoopla. Here she is, in my hear, flapping her jaw still at 10pm. The main thing I wanted for her this week was to be in bed at 9. I get frustrated when she stays up late. I want time for myself and time to unwind. I get short and cranky. Then I feel bad. So, i just filled her chart in, only she missed a few marks today....soooo, already, on Monday (chart starts on Sun) she is off to a bad start. Suggestions, I'll take them. I have two strong-willed children who keep me at or near my wits' end. I have tried most of the common suggestions only to have them backfire in some way or just not be effective. She can be so defiant that I often find myself negotiating with her and that pisses me off to no end. I am the parent, she the child. There shouldn't be room for negotiating (aka, begging, pleading). A swat would get things moving. However, when she is being a brat when it's time to leave her friend's house, well, a swat may not be best. So, there i squatted, nearly begging her to get her coat on and come home. WTF. I wanted to grab her up and take it her out, kicking and screaming. However, the friend's gma was on phone to phone company...so not a time nor place to cause a loud scene. So, i finally coaxed her to come home (pathetic, eh) and she was sent to her room. She is also not allowed over there for awhile. Every single time I allow her to do something fun like that, she is a bear to get home or something of that nature. IT makes me not want to do anything fun/nice with/for her. Get out crafts to do something fun...she doesn't want to clean up when it's time to clean up, she wants more materials than what we have out, she wants this or she wont she do that. Pbbt! NO fun. Better to just skip it all together.

But, don't get me wrong. This cherub like little girl does bring joy along with the hell. She can be the most loving and sweet thing. She usually seems to say the right thing just when I need it the most. She also has the ability to entertain...make you laugh til you cry or make your heart simply melt. She is forever making up new songs or dances and loves to have an audience watch her performances of such things. She also loves to tell silly jokes. So, it's not all misery, by no means. Just test of the patience and sanity. Insanity is inherited ..... from your children. I am sure of it! And before i could even finish that paragraph, she was out like a light. Just poof, sleeping. Whew!

Tomorrow night is Bunco. I really look forward to this every month (mostly) except when there is drama involved. I suppose it is a bit much to ask to have 12 women together once every month and not have some sort of drama. But things have been smoothing out, lately. Of course, we have about 4 spots we need to fill. At the beginning of the year, I type up a sheet with the rules and gentle reminders, bc these ladies tend to forget that this only happens once a month, it's voluntary and therefore, if you don't want to be there or if you have better things to do or if your social life is otherwise too full, please don't come. I don't get why anyone wouldn't be able to be free of cell phones and drama for a few hours a month. It's beyond me. Put the damn phones on vibrate and only answer if it's an emergency. And your hubby or kids calling to see when you will be home IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. You tell them before you leave that it won't be over until about 9 or 10 and don't expect me home until 20 mins or so after that. There. Don't call unless it's an emergency. Thankfully, my hubby can handle the fort for a few hours. I guess he is one of a rare breed. LOL.

Boy, ive been long-winded lately. Lots to say. Mostly, im finding that some things have to come out and this is about the safest place for them to erupt.

Oh i have to brag! Got my first paper back in Human Sexuality. got 100%! I am so proud of me. He even wrote comments like, "great intro" "great point" etc. And I also have gotten all points possible on the in class assignments meaning my grade in there right now is a 4.0. Go me! Haven't really had any assignments in any other classes. Of course, we have had so many snow days that it's crazy.

I was roped into hosting a jewelry party for my sister. She had one and if she had 2 ppl bring guest lists to the party, she got extra hostess credit. I couldn't say no. So, my party is the 19th. The sad thing is, I don't even care about "accessorizing". My extent of jewelry is my wedding and engagement rings, the ring handed down to me from my gma and the cheap lil ring that came in a set from Walmart I had gotten Makenneh. She wanted me to have one and I picked the silver one. It's just a band. Strangely enough, ive worn it for about a year and it has not tarnished or turned my finger green or anything. I did find some pieces in the book that I like, but most of it is just too expensive imo. It's "high end" fashion jewelry, so it's not fine jewelry. I can get stuff at Walmart, Claires, wherever for a fraction of the price. And really, I just don't get into matching all my accessories. I have a pair of tennis shoes, a couple pair of chunky heel shoes and a pair of boots and a pair of those now in style flats. Almost all shoes are in black. I have no collection of purses. I buy a brown or black one and use it for all purposes. LOL. The only advantage is that it comes with a lifetime replacement. Great. But really, even if i paid 7.00 at walmart and had to rebuy it 3 or 4 times, I would still be ahead of the game. LOL.

So, my mother in law's bday was yesterday. I told Jeremy numerous times to call her. He never did. I must admit to a tiny shred of guilt. But, I put the ball in his court, he dropped it. I guess I should've at least had the kids call and wish her a happy bday. I just don't want to talk to the woman. The very thought of her makes me want to puke. She hasn't attempted any contact at all since Christmas Eve. Of course, that goes both ways, i suppose. But, we have no desire to talk to her. I do have a gift for her. I bought it after Christmas, on clearance. I guess if we don't see her, i will save it for something else. It's just a giftset thing. Grr..i accidentally hit Ctrl and I and so i got italics and they won't come off. OH well. I guess this section will just appear more important. Hmmm..why does it do that on here? Any time italics are engaged, they never go away.

Anyway, i guess i wrap it up. bc it's bugging me. Geesh, i need a vacation or something...everything is bugging me these days.

That's a bit better

I am currently using a wireless key in our pc. My cousin's fiance gave it to us and we are able to connect to their internet bc they live so close. It sure does move a lot faster. The bad part is, the connection isn't always that good, so there are times when it doesn't want to let me on. But not nearly as bad as the dial up.

I kept Makenneh home from school all last week (a couple were snow days, so she only missed 2 days) bc she had that bad cold that is going around. Her teacher/aid complain when kids come in coughing (and I think i might have mentioned this before) and they tell the kids that they shouldn't be in school "sick". Well, once the cough progressed to congestion, sneezing and all that, I kept her home. The problem is, she is still coughing (mostly at night). It is back to a more dry cough. I don't think it's good to keep her out any longer. I mean, this stuff is going around, back and forth and could be awhile before it leaves for good. Luckily, it's only Headstart and so she isn't "falling behind" but she is missing out on the educational opportunities, social activities, etc. I really think i will send her tomorrow. I may just send a note to the teacher that I felt she had missed enough class time and that seems how the cough is no longer full of phlegm, I am sending her. IF they want me to come get her, they can call my cell. I just can't see keeping a kid home for a cough. There is no fever, diarrhea, vomiting, rash, runny nose, fatigue, etc.


I found an ad in our classified for a home for rent in the town nearby (where we wanted to move anyway). It's a 3 bedroom, basement, but ad says small. I can deal with small, afterall, it can't be smaller than a 2bdrm mobile home, right? LOL. ANyway, it's only a $200 deposit and the rent is less than we would have had to pay if we would have went with financing that other mobile home....by like $100. I am going to call on it in the morning and hope and pray that it is still available and that we can get it. It would be a dream come true. I was reminded tonight why there is no way i could live with my parents. I was on the verge of tears. The kids are a handful, I will not deny it. But, my dad seems to think that things are just black and white and simple. He will make comments that just upset me. Tonight, I went over there around 7pm just to visit. Makenneh started whining about something or another and I don't even remember what led up to this comment, but he was like, "it's 8 oclock, you should be in bed. It's a school night," blah blah blah. Yeah, she should be getting ready for bed/in bed. He doesn't need to make comments like that, though. Kinda like passive/agressive digs is how i take them. Then, i mean, he had made several p/a comments in the 30 mins we were there. Makenneh was being mouthy, whiney, etc and I decided it was just time to go home. Of course, my mom gets defensive any time dad says anything to the kids. Even if it is something that needs to be said. She thinks they shoudl be able to pretty much do as they please and not be scolded. Well, she was getting pissed at him tonight and kept saying, "i just don't know why he has to be so damn mean..." blah blah blah. I do "get" my dad. I can understand where he is coming from. It doesn't mean that some of the things he says don't hurt or upset me. But, i try not to dwell on them. She does though. And then they argue. She then suggested that we go down to my uncle's. (he lives right down the road). So we get in the car and she says, "he is getting it when i get back. It's bullshit. I already have one grandkid i never get to see." The thing is, I think she is so afraid that I will keep the kids from them that she tries to do everything to ensure it. I am quite open about my parenting skills (and often, lack there of). I know what I should do different and I know what I need to be doing. I wouldn't let a few comments from him keep them from the kids. Grandparents are important and he doesn't say/do things detrimental. The kids both think the world of him and I will always do my part to continue to foster that kind of a relationship. Anyway, i suppose this part was just more of a vent. But the bottom line is, I was reminded of how it wouldn't work to have us all under the same roof. And really, rightfully so. My kids are heathens most times. They don't have a set bedtime (by my own fault) and they are who they are because that's how I've made them. Bottom line. When I should have been making the mold and setting the boundaries, I was stuck in a deep, dark hell of depression. I did what I had to do to survive each hour. I did a lot of pacifying to save peace. I couldn't cope and it was better to just give in than to battle. Better at the time. I was simply too weak. I am now trying to undo all of that and it is far harder to do at this point. It's now a matter of reforming an already set mold. Anyway...enough of that. LOL.

After hearing about Julie's success with the chart, I have decided to give it yet another try. The chart is a dry erase Scooby Do one I had gotten from a fundraiser. It has categories and you write in the specific "chores" or whatever. Well, at first, I had quite a bit on there. There is a section for "taking care of me, minding my p's and q's, at school, playtime and then home sweet home". I had written a few things for each category. Well, i realized that if i want to change the behaviors, I need to pick one at a time and work on them. So, today, I erased all that I had and started over. I crossed off a couple sections..school bc well, she has no issues as school and why put more on there to be overwhelming. I crossed off p's and q's bc she does use her manners most of the time and those aren't the issue. The main thing I want to start with, I think, is bedtime. So that one is on there. The rest are just a few simple things (bathroom-wiping, flushing, washing, which she has done, for example). I figure, concentrate on the bedtime and then after that is mastered, add in something else. I am going to also borrow Julie's idea of buying up some little prizes to have on hand, for her to choose from each week. I am really hoping to see some success with it. Then, if i could only get Sebastian to stay out of mischief, I would have it made.

My boy child is something all his own. He is the most adorable little creature. His bright blonde hair, big blue eyes. Steals your heart instantly. But, inside, he is almost full monkey. Stubborn monkey. He loves to climb, jump on furniture, from furniture, onto the counter, nothing is safe from him. And then, he can't help but get his tiny little hands on all the things he shouldn't. Video games, movies, plants, you name it. I have said that he is God's way of showing me that Makenneh's toddlerhood wasn't really that bad. LOL. I used to think that Makenneh was a monster. In reality, she was pretty easy. she would play (still does), never really got into things to make messes and/or break things. never put things in her mouth. SEbastian is opposite. He could have all the toys in the North Pole and he isn't going to play with them (unless you told him he couldn't). He gets into everything, puts everything (even bugers, tmi, i know) in his mouth. Gah! But then, he loves to climb up and cuddle and look at you with those big blue eyes, framed by the thick, dark eyelashes and the heart melts. I often wonder how such a beautiful child could be so monstrous!

Well, i suppose I've rambled enough. My fingers tell me I have. I have my first test for the semester and it's in my Human Sexuality class. I have been trying to study here and there, but I am so nervous about it. I don't know what exactly to expect. He did give us a study guide so that will be helpful. But we have to know about the 10 theories related to sexuality and the different cultures/countries/eras that contribute to our views on sexuality and those things along require a lot of information to commit to memory. The plus side is the test is multiple choice (25 questions) and true/false (5) and 2 essays. he already gave us the essay questions so i am going to answer them all out and study them. those are worth 20 pts each.

Oh and I emailed my Psych teacher the other night to ask about class. We have only met the first week and have been canceled every week since. She said not to worry, she is giving us a new schedule next time we meet. Whew! (i think, lol).

Well, im off to finish my rounds and get to sleep!

Please wish me luck/say a prayer that this rental house goes thru for us! It would definitely be a blessing!

I could bitch

but what fun is that? Im on my cousin's laptop bc my internet and/or computer has just decided to not cooperate. What gives? I had to apply for my student loan today, so I just borrowed my cousins laptop while she is out for the day. In order to do the application for the loan, i had to call the place bc i couldn't remember my username/password. The guy stayed on the phone with me the entire length of the application. A very nice gesture, in deed, to make sure that I have done everything correctly and to answer any questions as they come up. the problem was, I have an almost 5 yr old and an almost 3 yr old who find themselves unable to maintain decency while mom spends quite some time on a business call. It started with Seb going to my bedroom and getting out my game (battle fo the sexes) and strewing it all over my bedroom. every last piece. I pull him out of my room and bring him out here, kicking and screaming the whole way(gosh mr. loan guy must have been so amused by it all, but mroe likely he was irritated as i was). SEb heads back there AGAIN this time getting all the video games out. I am really ready to duct tape him in a mummy form...from say his neck to his toes. I finally get him to sit and watch a movie...only to have makenneh whining from bedroom to help her untie her dog leash. I cover mouthpiece of phone (trying to be kind to mr. loan man) and tlel her that i cannot do that right now bc i was on phone, so she would need to wait until the call was finished. she continued to whine. she then came out and sat right next to me to whine, yell and otherwise act a fool demanding that i go do that for her. Close your eyes if you find this offensive, but i swatted her lips. She was so darn disrespectful it makes me want to spit tacks. Of course, once i was off phone, they both acted fine. Now, i know they just couldn't stand to not have my undivided attention but they both need to learn that they can't always have it. I have things i need to do to make things functional for all of us.

Sigh. I survived. but my blood pressure is surely thru the roof right now. THey are out playing in the snow. I can see and hear them from here, so all is well. I can pretend to be in blissful silence, while hearing them and seeing htem and knowing that a pane of glass separates us. i will survive.

We were dumped on with snow over the past 24 hours or so. At least a foot, probably more. Schools and some businesses are even closed. Our college closed yesterday at 3. I didn't have to go to my evening class last night nor tonight. Of course ,the class i have tonight is Psych. The bad thing is, we have only had class once. Yep, once. The first week of winter semester, we met. The next week, teacher canceled for reasons unknown. Then last week our campus was closed due to weather/power outage. Tonight is canceled for weather. Hmmm.

Next...is the move. I am still just as unsure as ever. They lowered the price but we are still $1k short. I thought I would be getting my refund from financial aid soon, but the school says not til beginning of march. So, I am at a loss, once again. That check will give us what we need, but i doubt the place is gonna wanna wait a month. Who knows. I will have to call them today to see what they are willing to do. Meanwhile, staying here, cuts into the funds we have for moving...more rent, etc. We can move to my parents but i don't have anywhere for my stuff and we dont' want to move twice in one month....that doesn't even sound appealing. I hate being so damn close yet so far away. I cannot wait to be done with school and onto a career that pays enough to leave all this crap behind. And I promise now, as i have before, that 1.) I will look back on these days and laugh and 2.) I will do something beneficial with my career to help those less fortunate.

Well, mom just called and she is coming to get makenneh and have her stay the night. Woohoo! (hey, how bout i pack seb in her suitcase?). LOL. So, im off here to finish my rounds online, not knowing when i will have the chance to do so again. THen have to get kenneh packed.
later!