What are those blotches??

I so miss my cable internet. This dial up tests the very patience of even a saint. I have no patience to start with. So just imagine my frustration! And if i had cable, I would take a picture of Makenneh's stomach to show you the blotches she woke up with this morning. WE couldn't figure out what they might be. I thought maybe mosquito bites, bc both my kids welt up from mosquito bites. But, these were huge. Like the size of a silver dollar or larger...and welted. Well, I called my aunt to see if she could stop by bc my mom is out of town as of today. (That figures...lol). After even further inspection, the welts have a hardness and warmth to them as well as a "puncture" or bite spot. They look and seem like bee stings. But this girl has about 5 of them on her. It seems strange that she could be stung 5 times and not cry. 'Tis a mystery! But I do know we have bees around here like no other!

Today was a lazy day. I slept and/or laid around for most of it. I haven't felt my best in the last couple of weeks. It started with my period. The endo has to be out of remission bc i spent a good 4 days mostly in bed, in pain. Once I got over that, I got a lovely migraine which lingered for a few days. Even today, i felt the nagging pain in my head. Of course the ugly depression has its grips on me as well. Being stuck here, without a car and broke as broke can be leads to endless bouts of depression.

My brother called today. it's funny but since becoming a dad, he has called many times, just to chat. Anyway, i was telling him how aunt Missy more or less invited her and my uncle over for my bday (which is aug. 11 and falls on a saturday this year..woohoo) for margaritas. He asked if that's what i really wanted to do for my bday. I said, well, it doesn't really matter. Mom, sis and I are having a yard sale that weekend as well, which i don't mind, bc well, face it: we are broke and it's not like I will be doing anything exciting. Sis said we could do a cookout or something that day, while manning the yard sale. Fine by me. I really am easy. Well, my brother said Yeah that sounds good, then maybe have a bon fire that night. Then, he says, Hey, my pole barn is cleaned out now so we could even do it here if you wanted. So, it now has been decided that we will have a cookout/party at my brother's. So, i will just tell mark and mis about this and invite them along. Better for me to get out of this trailer for a change. I spend every day couped up in here. And, seems how it is my day after all, i get to pick what happens, right? I really do, don't i? LOL. Great! Then how about a week away...in a hotel or cabin, near the water with someone else to clean up and meals made for me and days spent lounging in or near the water? C'mon, it wouldn't be that difficult. My state is surrounded by water on 3 sides..i wouldn't need to go too far! LOL. Yes, i could use a vacation. I have even romanced the idea of hitching a ride up to my gma's all by myself. No hubby, no kids. Just get away and have some peace and quiet. I feel bad even putting that in black and white. it sounds so selfish. But, the inner being in me is screaming out: I am a woman. A human being! I am not just mom and wife and daughter. I am more. Really, i am. There is more to me than dirty dishes and mounds of laundry and endless vacuuming and dirty diaper changes and wiping butts and cooking dinner. There is a woman who likes to go places, do things, get out, let my hair down, enjoy an adult beverage or even 7. who likes to laugh and have a good time, who enjoys painted finger nails and getting a hair cut and oh how I'd love to have highlights in my hair! But, i guess for now, I am stuck here. Stuck sounds so horrible. But, literally, I am, short of begging and bumming rides, stuck is what i am. But, have no fear. Something good has come of all of this. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to stand up and fight. If nothing else, this spot I'm in has motivated me to do something. I finally got the fire under me to get my ass back in school. And that has given me back some hope. It has given me the realization that it doesn't have to be this way. That there is more out there for me. I just have to go get it. You know, it's kind of ironic, but really, I think I had it too easy growing up. It sounds funny if you think about how I grew up, in that money was very tight and we didn't have much money. But, that wasn't the point. The point is, mom busted her ass to see to it that we never went without. We always had what we needed and more one way or another. She never let us know just how tight money was, how hard she has to pull to keep the ends met. Add to that the fact that everything came easy for me as far as school. I have never had "fight" for anything i needed or wanted. it has all just come to me. And so, I don't know how to fight. I never had to learn. Now, here I am, almost 27 yrs old with no fight in me. So, to those of you who have had to fight and fight hard, had to overcome huge hurdles, just remember that those things have made you stronger and instilled a sense of hard work in you. It isn't exactly best to have everything come to you. Those obstacles make you stronger and able to fight for what you want/need. I guess the best is to find the happy medium. If there is such a thing. My other problem is probably just simply accepting everything as is. Not having the desire for more, for bigger, for better. Now,i want more! I am sick of settling. So, here I go! better late than never, right?

And while I'm busy analyzing things and doing my soul searching and all that jazz, let me tell you something that I really came to realize. it even ties in. I never knew just how damn good I had it growing up, until I sat and listened to my teen cousins tell of the horrors they deal/have dealt with in their homes. Add to that the whole Desiree drama. I never had to worry about dad not coming home or that my parents would get into huge fights, that my dad would snap and hit me with a closed fist. I never had to fear my dad. I never had to be subjected to verbal or physical abuse from either parent. I never had to deal with favoritism and being on the short end of the stick. I never had to doubt that I was loved. Sure, i did my fair share of telling my parents that I hated them and they were just trying to ruin my life and how could they love me bull crap. And boy do i feel like a fool now. If i had known then what i know now, i would have never taken any of my childhood for granted. I never would have taken for granted that my parents put us kids first, that they made sacrifice after sacrifice for us kids. or that all 3 of us were treated equally. or that we were disciplined with love rather than anger and vengeance. Seems how i can't go back and show more appreciation, I have taken the time recently to let my parents know how grateful I am for my childhood full of security and love and harmony. And that's not to say my childhood was perfect, but after some of the things I have heard, it was pretty damn close!

I have more things on my mind. See what happens when I'm gone for so long? I go on and on and on bc so much has built up in my mind, with nowhere to vent. One thing troubling me is the things going over and over in my head in regards to my cousin being gay. Her dad told her that her grandparents are rolling in their graves bc she likes girls! ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME? I told her that if anything they are rolling in their graves bc of his behavior towards her. She is his daughter and he should love her for who she is, not who he wants her to be. Since she has admitted to having a girlfriend, she has been treated like a 3rd rate citizen, less than human. It is horrible. And this treatment comes primarily from her own dad. When they were out of state, he pinned her on the floor and screamed in her face that she won't like girls! WTF?! What good does that do? hell, living with a man like that, I would probably find men repulsive too! I want so bad to tell him that all he is doing is pushing her away and hurting her so bad. I really think a lot of his issues is not with her liking girls, but rather with the fear of how family will respond to it. Get over it. Your job as a parent is to love your children not worry about what others will think. His sister in law lives with her girlfriend. He has no problem with them at all. In fact, he always made comments about how cool it was and glamorized the whole girl on girl thing. I guess it's ok for everyone but his own kids. I just ask that anyone reading this say a prayer or do whatever it is you do that he will come to his senses and realize that no matter who she loves, she is still his daughter and he should love her irregardless. For me, as a parents, having one of my children admit they are gay is the very least of my worries/concerns. There are so many real things to worry about, to get upset about. Things that are actually detrimental to their well-being.

Well, i've ranted enough for one night. i need to get my aching body to bed. Take care!