Living Hell

But first...some pictures
Liberty



Don't we just look happy? Makenneh was over having her picture taken on her graduation day! CAn't you tell?



Just the three of us. She wasn't so grumpy here, though!





Makenneh and Sebastian.




Makenneh and Aunt Carrie looking cool for the camera...i love this one



With her flowers from Grandma Chris, after her ceremony....I haven't gotten to the ones of the actual ceremony yet....read on and you will understand.




I feel as though that ugly black hole is sucking me in again. The past few days have become a living hell for me. Makenneh fractured her arm, as I think I mentioned in a post....if not, she fell while outside catching baby frogs and I took her to the after hours, per our doctor's instruction. They did an xray, the doc said it wasn't broken, put it in a splint told me to follow up with our family doctor in a day or two. Well, my doctor's summer hours leaves the office closed on fridays, that was Wednesday, so I called first thing thurs morning and got an 1140 appointment. I took her in, but the after hours hadn't faxed my doc the report or anything, so he had nothing to go on. He of course looked at it and such, called the diagnostics center for the after hours clinic, they said they would fax it over, but when he received the fax, while we were there, it said nothing of value to him. So, he asked if I could pick the film up from the office (it's near where I live) and bring it in first thing Monday morning and if a cast was needed, he would send me for casting. Well, we spent about 4 hours with that visit because the doc was running way behind. The next day I go get the film and ask the ladies at the desk if the film had been read yet. Yes, he just read them this morning but hasn't written his report yet. Nice. She said the the after hours doc had said it was broken. Funny because he sure as hell didn't tell ME that. She looked at the paperwork with the xray and said that that report said it's a fracture of the radial something or another medical term which I don't recall. I felt my heart fall to my knees. I was really hoping it was just a minor injury, splint for a few weeks and voila. However, I am most certain that it will be casted on Monday. I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes. It is summer. We just got the pool up. And she is going to be in a cast. She is already miserable and grouchy with the splint which is removable. She has mosquito bites on her arms which itch. She wants it off to scratch. I don't look forward to how miserable and grumpy she is going to be with a cast. Do I pity her or me more? I am not sure at this point. ;)

As far as the vomiting...hasn't happened since last Sunday morning (5am). However, I have noticed that she hasn't had a bowel movement. I delayed the enema because with this splint/fractured hand, it is going to ever so difficult for her to keep pulling down pants to go to teh bathroom. However, I am going to talk to the doctor on Monday about that.

Sebastian woke up with severe diarhea this morning. I cried. I am so overwhelmed with all of it. I just want to run away. Add to it the fact that Makenneh has become almost unbearable. She is mouthy, obstinant, rude, disrespectful and just plain defiant. There is no getting through to her. If we send her to her room, it's a string of disrespect spewing from her mouth and she hates us and all but damns us to hell. If she make her sit in time out, she runs her mouth the entire time, almost as if instigating. She raises her fist, she swings, she throws things. At some point, the behavior has to be plain stopped dead in it's tracks...that's when she gets a spanking on her bottom. She will cry as if the world is ending, spew more vile, and round and round. Then, after a while, she is sweet as sugar, as if it never happened, UNTIL one teeny tiny thing sets her off and it's round 2. or really, 1323343232 because they never seem to stop. In the midst of all this, JEremy and I have argued because we don't agree with each other on dealing with her. I do know that I give in when I shouldn't. But, I reach a breaking point where I would just as soon jump in that car and drive until it won't go anymore. Today, I broke. I layed in the bed, curled in a near fetal position, crying. We had stayed at my uncle's last night. IT was a bad night for Makenneh..my cousin was being loud with some plastic cups, woke her up. She cried that he hand really hurt and she wanted a bath. So, at midnight, I run her a bath. She starts crying in that tired voice that she is soooo itchy and wants her itchy medicine. I didn't have it with me. I run home to get it because we live just down the road. I get back, she is out of bath, laying back down. I give her the medicine and get her some ice. We all go to bed. A little while later, she is up because she dumped some of her water down her and needs to change (which she can no longer do herself). So, I got up, changed her clothes, she gets settled back down. Then, this morning...my mom stops down. Wants me to go to the store with her. I wanted to go because I didn't get my father's day gifts yet. Makenneh is immidiately at my side whining that she wants me to stay here forever and don't go and if you go, I won't ....blah blah. I told my mom to forget it, I am sick of the hassles, I am sick of the fights, I will stay home. I get up, go lay in the bed and that's where the tears start. I lay there thinking about how swallowed up one can become in motherhood. You give and you give and try and you give your best and you sometimes fail. But, in the midst of all it, well, you just seem to wake one day and not know where you went. Swallowed up. Lost. I have this child who thinks that the world revolves around her. I have begun to repeat this phrase to her: You are the center of my universe, but my world doesn't revolve solely around you. It doesn't. It can't. Someone has to cook, clean, chase, gather, locate, buy, etc. Some major changes have to take place. Now. No longer will I be at her beckon call. She is famous for sitting in another room and hollering out, "MOOOOOOOMMMM". To which I more oft than not, get up to see what she wants. NO more. She will come to me, unless she is hurt, stuck or otherwise unable to physically bring herself to me. They will get their drinks, go potty, do all that good stuff and then go to bed. Once they enter that bedroom...they will stay, again, barring some emergency..illness, etc. I will not be a maid or butler for their services while they lay in bed contemplating sleep. I will take my life back over. I am the adult. The parent. I realized today that perhaps generations past had the right idea about children's place. Yes, children should have a voice...but when it overrules the adults...there is a problem. IN having a voice, my children rarely use it for constructive problem solving....they instead use it to whine and plead and whine some more. Point being: reprimanded for behavior while in pool. Constructive voice would be to explain their side, in a normal, non whining voice. makenneh opts to throw herself a tantrum the size of texas. test the patience of every single adult in the vicinity. I think that children need that restriction. It is my way, because I am the parent. Because this is how you are expected to behave, treat others, etc. No room for discussion. That's it. Period. Done. Failure to do so will result in loss of freedoms/luxuries/etc. It will be rough. I am going to be tested beyond my limits, I know. But, some day she is going to be 13. If I don't get this under control now, I will never have it under control. And frankly, this whole mess is killing me. It is breaking me. I cannot keep going through this. I love her so much it literally hurts. It hurts because I see a beautiful, funny, smart girl before me, that I made, and yet, I rarely get to see that side of her. I mostly get to see this ugly, mean, disrespectful side. I praise her beyond belief when she is kind and loving and wonderful. I pour it on. Because I want her to understand she will get further with kindness than with meanness. I talk to her when she is in a "good" mood about the importance of being kind and being someone others enjoy being around. I remind her that nobody wants to be around someone who is yelling, arguing, and mean. But, still here we are. Ears plugged, scowl on face. I plan to discuss this with our doctor on Monday, as well. Even if he can just do a couple sessions with Jeremy and I to help us get on the same page. That would be a step in the right direction.

So, tomorrow is Father's Day. I had planned this day at the lake, for fishing, cook out, etc. Well, with the hell of the past few days, I would much rather stay holed up in my room without a soul interrupting. But, the show must go on. We had so much that had to be done because it was planned for us that we would go to the breakfast the church is putting on at 9am. So, that leaves no prep time for this outting. And makes for an extremely long day with a grumpy Makenneh because she has been awakened too early. I dread it already. Just shoot me already, please. I mean, the idea is great...but it would have been better as a brunch after services, versus b'fast before. So, in a scurry to get things done tonight, as the midnight hour approaches, we decide that perhaps it's better to eat here then go to the lake. I am nervous that there won't be any open grills/tables/pavillions. Originally when I suggested this, I had no idea how popular this particular lake has become. I used to go there a lot, fishing, with an ex boyfriend. It was always empty...one or two groups there, on a boat. Jeremy and I stopped tehre the other day to check it out and it was packed, on a friday, middle of the day. Whoa! So, I guess we will eat here, then those who want to do the fishing hting can do do that afterward. Hopefully Jeremy will be ok with that, as he really wants to go fishing and well, it is father's day afterall and I had promised him fishing.

Anyway, now that I've vented, bitched and complained, I need to get to bed, so I can get some sleep. I hope, I pray that tomorrow is a better day. Lord, please let her wake in a beautiful mood and remain in one, just one day, even, I need a reprieve. Thank you, AMEN!