Cheers

Our next assignment in Communications class is to write a ceremonial speech. This could be a toast, acceptance speech, eulogy, commencement speech, you get the idea. I first thought I would write a eulogy for my Aunt Dawn. I always regret that I didn't get up and say something at her funeral. Of course, i doubt i would have been able to get two words out before the sobbing, blubbery mess would hit. But, anyway, i thought it would be a bit of therapy to write one. So, I spent all day friday preparing this eulogy. I searched online for examples and pointers, i read quotes and poems for inspiration. I finally got it written (only about 8 hours later). I went to practice it and time it to be sure it was within the guidelines (1.5-2 mins bc we are running out of time in the class and we have to fit everyone in during one class period). I start out strong...and the more i read, the more the tears stung my eyes...before i reached the middle, i was a sobbing mess....to the point that i just yelled out, "i can't do this" and fell to my knees. I let myself cry it out and then it was back to the drawing board. I figured I had better go for something more cheerful. So, i opted to write a "maid of honor" toast for my sister's wedding. I really felt it was a good choice because (and you are going to see a trend here) i felt bad for not having prepared a sentimental speech for her actual wedding. So, here again, trying to make amends with myself and my guilty conscience. I got it written out friday night and did nothing with it today. So, tonight i decided to practice and time it. I worked out a few bugs, made some improvements and while i did get a bit choked up reading it...i can do it without having a complete meltdown. As I was doing this, i decided that for Christmas, I am going to type the speech out on stationary paper and present it to her for Christmas. I think i shall title it, "The Speech I Never Gave" or something of that nature.

I seem to be filled with such guilt anymore, over everything. I have always been that way, but it seems worse anymore. I do have a lot of regrets surrounding my sister's wedding, though. I was so emotionally drained and fighting depression so badly that I just wasn't into anything. The only reason I bothered to breath most days was because it came automatically. I wasn't there for her like i should have been, as a big sister and matron of honor. I hate that I get like that...bc you can't go back in time and change things. I wish i could keep myself on an even keel and be the person i know i am, inside.

On to cheerful thoughts, please. I am beginning to get a bit excited about the holidays. Thanksgiving is only a few days away. We are planning to go up to my grandma's. The only possible glitch is Jeremy's job. He doesn't know yet if he will have to work Friday. At first, he was figuring that even if it were a scheduled day, he would take it off...but we got to thinking and well, he can't really do that. If it is a scheduled day and he doesn't show up, he won't get paid for Thanksgiving day and that will make for a very short check. So, we are really hoping he doesn't have to work friday. The day before Thanksgiving, he will get his profit sharing check. I am anxious to get that. They are expecting a much larger check this year....so, that will make for a nice, less-stressful Christmas.

Moving right along...the move! I have decided that this can happen on my terms. He is the one who says he wants to move her out. that is all fine and good. But, if he is really serious about it, then he will have no problem telling her as much, before we move in with him. I do not want to move in there and have him sit around waiting for her to "get the cue" and leave on her own. We talked a little about this on Thursday or Friday. My one fear is that we will move in there and he won't do anything and we will all be living there..i mentioned that before. Well, to make matters stickier, he decided to tell her we were moving in because Jeremy's hours were cut at work because they are slow...so we can't afford rent. Well, she came back with, "well, then just have them pay the consumer's and water). So, he tells me this. His next idea is to tell her that we can't even afford that. WHAT?! I said, to him, "You need to think about that for a minute. She knows what those bills run. They are $200 and less. It would sound awful rediculous to say that we can't even afford that." I mean, really, how the hell can we even remotely care for our kids if we can't afford $200 a month?! He verified my concerns in that same conversation. He said he was figuring if he moved us in there, she would get frustrated, snap and move out. He used that word, "snap". That was his word. Red flags fly up. If he thinks that she might "snap" then why does he also think i should subject my kids to that? I told him that I can't do that. That it's not fair to my kids to put that in that possible environment. I then decided to suck it up and tell him that we would put our stuff in storage and just keep out what we will be taking with us to his place. Then, when he tells her it's over, we will move our stuff there and she can move hers here. I have to talk to him more about it, but we have to do it when nobody else is around. I am just going to lay it out, much like i have here. he has to tell her it's over before we move anything to his place. And something else about the whole thing that bothers J and I is that he lied to her about jeremy's job situation. So, it seems he expects us to carry out this lie to cover his ass. Well, lying isn't exactly in my nature. I suck at it the few times i've attempted. It goes against every grain of my being. And the awkwardness that the lies can create were shown yesterday. We took our kids over there to stay the night and it was just stressful. On the way there, jeremy nearly turned around once he realized that we would all be in the same house and oh what if she asks me about my job or something? what do i say. can we just go home? Forget this, i don't want to go over there. I told him that most likely, if she were to say/ask anything, she would direct it to me, but if she did direct it to him, to just say something simple and short like work is slow...which it kinda is at this very moment. But, as i got to thinking about all of this, i realized that if we allow him to keep things going as he is, we will be stuck taking the brunt of the blame for this whole mess. I mean, we have to look like the bloody fools who can't even slightly support ourselves and then we will be viewed and the cause of their break up, if he just waits til she gets fed up with having an extra family living there. Why should I have to take the fall for him? he needs to grow some cajones and tell her it isn't going to work. After i thought about the big picture, that's when i decided, he is going to do things right or not at all. I have no problem helping him out and if it means we have to stay with him until we can get a new place, just so she can move back in here, fine. But, i am not going to lower myself to lying and deceiving, on anyone's behalf, just to make his life easier. In moving, we are giving up a lot. We are giving up our privacy, comfort and freedom, we are uprooting our kids, we are changing school districts which means i will have to drive her daily to and fro the bus stop and also, i will have to drive jeremy to a meeting place to catch his ride to work and then pick him up from said meeting place after work because we can't expect his coworker to add on yet another several miles to the already, 'out-of-his-way' journey he takes to help us out. That's just absurd. I shudder at the thought of having to have my butt out in the cold at 545am to get him to work. Bleh. I hate mornings and i hate cold mornings even more. And i really really hate having to get up and get out of the house during those kinda mornings. Did i mention that somewhere in there, i have to have time for classes? The other thing I thought about is that when we move, I will have to report that to my caseworker and it is going to affect my food benefits. It's not that I'm saying it shouldn't, but if those get cut, how much would we really be saving if we have to pay for all of our groceries? But, i see no way around it, as i will have to report living there and even though we would be paying him something to live there, it wouldn't be what we are paying now and also, he has to report any money received to his worker and it would affect him if we claim we are paying say, $200/month for rent. So, as you can see, we are giving up a lot to make this happen. That's not to say there is nothing to be gained, but i do wonder if they even nearly balance each other out. I mean, we will get to save money. I would be able to have a bit of pocket change, for one. We could probably swing a much needed cell phone, keep up on car repairs (wouldn't go so far as to say we could get a better car though). I would also have childcare sometimes, without having to haul them a sitter. Uncle is off work during winter, bc of the type of job he has. I just have to pray that everything works out. We did live with them when Makenneh was about a year old. It was for a few months. It wasn't too bad, but a lot has changed on both sides, since then. we now have 2 kids, i am in school, we are accustomed to living on our own, etc.

Anyway, just have to roll with the punches, i guess. I'm so glad i have this blog...gives me a place to vent and talk/type through my frustrations. Then, i can go to bed a bit lighter.

Monday starts sign up for winter classes. I can't wait. We can start registering at 12:01am on the 19th. That's if we register online. Otherwise, have to wait for normal business hours. I would like to avoid the hassle of waiting in line at the college but I also think i should talk with my advisor before registering so that i am taking the classes i need. So, i will probably just deal with the mad rush of students and go in to the office. I can go to the local campus and do it there so it shouldn't be nearly as bad as the main campus. Plus, i can talk with another advisor because, quite frankly, i don't think the one i had knows much what she is talking about. She was very nice, but just didn't seem as knowledgeable as the last person i had dealt with. I did start to look over the course offerings for next semester and I really think i will stuck at the main campus more than i would like to. One class on main campus is too much for me. I hate that parking fiasco. It sucks. But, the local campus doesn't seem to offer too many classes in the areas i need. I can take a general psychology class, a philosophy class and i think there was one other that interested me that was in the time frames i need. So, we will see. I might just go check it out again. The more i can have ready, the quicker the process will go, im sure.

Well, time to venture on to finish my routine....