Cooler temps

I have my brother's car for the moment and we are at my sis's again. So, thought I would take this time to post again! It is helpful having a car to at least get out of the house. I hate to see the car go...I am hoping we can get our fixed soon, but hope isn't quite enough these days. I finally started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel that my dad got me for Mother's day! I figure now is a good time to read of God's unconditional love and grace!

The temps are only in the upper 70's today. Much better than the mid 90s of a few days ago. It is actually comfortable outside now. And, i can sleep at night. Not last night, but the night before,i was so hot and sweaty that i couldn't sleep.

Well, i guess that's it for now....i may post again later.

Happy Father's Day

We are at my sis's for a father's day cookout. Yay, i get to use the internet. I don't know where everyone else is though...we were supp. to be here at 3 and we got here a half our past and still are first ones....lol.

Last night was sis's bachelorette party. It was pretty fun! Had plenty to drink and I only bought 3 of them myself. My mother in law actually bought me some and of course, we had tons of jello shots and some pudding shots!

Last time I updated while here at the farm, the kids had a blast, riding horses, 4 wheeler and all the other fun things to do! Makenneh didn't want to get off the horses or the 4wheeler!

Well, mom just showed up so im gonna get off here to go help with whatever.

Hope everyone's summer is going good! Mine is crappy, but such is life, eh. Hopefully things will start going better...still no car and still no net. So, til next time...take care!

quick update

Im at my sister's right now. We are working on wedding stuff and just taking a break right now, getting ready for lunch. It is hell not having internet. I am working hard at finding a way to get it back, along with getting the car fixed, etc. I will come on to update as often as possible. I do have net on my phone for a month, so i do get to read your comments. I haven't yet figured out if i can even access my blog via my phone...but as soon as i find out, i may be able to post!

Anyway, take care and miss you lots! Can't wait to be back!

FYI

My internet is acting up. Most likely, it's bc we are behind on our bill. There are times it will disconnect and i have trouble getting it to connect again. IT is typical for that to happen when your bill is late and/or you are behind. So, I don't know how much longer we will have internet at this point. If they shut it off, we will be without it for awhile, bc the car is a higher priority. So, if im gone for awhile, that would be why.

I am hoping that it stays connected long enough for us to have some extra money to send them bc to be honest, the internet (esp my blog and bz) is what keeps me from going completely stir crazy. I will be a mess if i am stuck here with no car and no internet. But, not much i can do about it without having some sort of windfall...bc we just don't have the money to sink into everything at once right now. I honestly have no idea how we got this far behind, but somewhere we did a weave when we should have bobbed and here we are. Well, i do know the biggest problems...we took out that high interest loan when we were house hunting bc the lender said that we needed more credit (can't think of the fancy jargon they use). However, upon opening the loan, it drastically dropped his score and now we have a payment to add in. Add to that that we shut off the house phone and got cell phones bc really, it is about the same price only this way, we each have a phone on us at all times. And of course, i was working and so we spent a bit more freely..then i wasn't working and well, it's just been downhill since. Pile on top o that, the fact that the car has been nickle and diming us to death, with one thing after another. So, we can never get a break to catch up.

I don't want to make this too long, bc the internet could go out before i gt to hit post. It will be connected, then without warning, disconnect and when that happens, i have a hard time getting reconnected. One time,it is just not gonna reconnect.

So, if i am not able to get back for awhile, please everyone take care! Helen, I hope you get settled into your new home and that all things go well for you and yours! Julie, I hope you and the family enjoy the summer off and that you get to have fun while the kids are out of school! Stay cool and stay safe, everyone! I will definitely miss all of you!

Boredom

Well, today went well, when you boil down. LOL. The kids really were good. Makenneh played for hours in her bedroom. Sebastian entertained himself well and even took a nap. Something he never does M-F. Hmmm. I asked Jeremy why they can't be that good on weekdays. LOL. I spent my day sleeping, for the most part. Trying to catch up on all that i missed through the week, i suppose. Plus, just kinda depressed and feeling yucky.

It was beautiful outside today, but the kids had no interest in going outside. I don't know why. Maybe we all have the blahs, i guess. 2 of my cousins, Steph and Kenny, are coming over tonight to stay the night. Sarah, one of my other cousins, is dropping them off and she said she would run me to the store. This is sooo a hassle without a car. And it wouldn't be so bad, but all my family lives in other, neighboring towns. I hate to bother them to have them run to the store. And im not used to having to think real far ahead, bc well, i have had my car and the store is not far away. So, if i forgot something, no big deal. Now it is a big deal. IT often means just going without. I will probably have to start walking to the store. I am just a tad leery doing that, bc this isnt the greatest neighborhood at all. a mile in the other direction and it's downright scary.

So, i have a funny story to tell. makenneh came up to me the other day and was holding her hair (kinda making pigtails, if you will). She said, mom, feel this side and this side. So i do. She said, this side is soft. This side is nappy. I almost lost it. It was so hilarious. Nappy seems to be her new word when referring to her hair. of course, i think she has to two confused...bc my idea of soft and her idea of soft are two different things. She will grab a bit of her hair and swear it is soft, when in fact, it is, well, quite nappy. LOL. she hate the hair brush. it's a fight to get it brushed most times. So, nappy it is.

Next weekend will be a fun one! Saturday night is my sister's bachelorette party! I can't wait. I don't do it often (although, lately,it seems to be otherwise...but really, it's not, folks), but sometimes I love to get drunk. I let 'er rip! When i say drunk, though, i don't mean, all out obnoxious, throwing up, rediculous. My idea of drunk is drinking to the point where you feel good and are just having a good time. I don't like to drink to oblivion. Never have. I like to feel at least somewhat in control. Have enough alcohol to be relaxed and not so much that im puking in the morning. I hate hang overs. LOL. But, mostly, i am looking forward to an all girls' night out.

Oh and guess what?! I found the pattern for the top I want. I had bought it, tucked it in a tote, and forgotten where i put it. My Aunt Bev had offered to make me a couple of them and asked that i bring the pattern to one of several family functions...i coulnd't find it and couldn't for the life of me remember what had happened to it. But, in rearranging the furniture, guess what? I found it. That's just one good reason to keep the furniture moved around...lol. Find things you never would have otherwise. hahaha. So, I will probably drop the pattern and the material in the mail (they live "up north") for her to work on when she has a chance. She is also making my sister's wedding dress. The only pattern is the sketch my sister drew up. Then, they took measurements of my sister and voila! She brought down a "prototype" made out of scrap material, and it was just beautiful. She is doing a great job.

Jeremy isn't liking the way the furniture is arranged bc the kids keep getting in the way of the tv. Ugh. It is impossible to avoid. They are 4 and 2 and this is a small place. YOu have to walk through the living room to get anywhere. I don't know what to tell him. HE seems to think it wasn't as bad before, but he just didn't recall, bc he hasn't had his xbox for a month and has it now. So, he has forgotten.

Anyway, i have sebastian whining at my feet...so i need to tend him. I will post more later, maybe.

Why?

I've been following the blog of Kristy Schwade. If you are unaware, her baby, Kaleb, is currently in ICU after suffering injuries from Shaken Baby Syndrome while left at daycare. Their story is sad. Every day, she updates with Kaleb's progress (and setbacks). My heart breaks for them. But her strength in God is uplifting. She manages to get through day to day. I don't know how she does it. Here's the link to her myspace where she keeps updates posted. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=34091583
I just don't understand how anyone could do this. I have suffered ppd, i deal with severe depression...i get highly aggravated with my children at times. But never, have I even thought of shaking them or causing them harm. It just saddens me to hear stories like this. How does one get to that point? Why don't they set the baby down and just walk away? It would be better for the child to be left unattended in a crib or pack & play for awhile than to stay and allow yourself to get to that point.

On a positive note, I had a great evening with Makenneh tonight! She sat on my lap and just talked and talked. OF course, one question was, "how did i get out of your tummy?". OH, the big questions. For now, we just told her that the doctors helped get her out. I don't know how long that answer will satisfy her, as she is very interested in the whole baby thing right now. She was telling me that she has babies in her tummy. Then she tells me that God has her babies and when she grows up and gets married, he will put them in her tummy. It's amazing how she talks about this. She also says that God will make her a husband!

I did a lot of work around here today. I rearranged furniture. Yes, in this heat and humidity, i was moving couches, loveseats, chairs and entertainment centers. But, the entertainment (ET from here on out) was blocking a majority of one window and i wanted to be able to get a good cross-breeze. It looks nice in here and opened it up a bit. It's not my arrangement of choice, but we have too much furniture in too small a place...so we have to make do.

I took a nap tonight. I was tired. I stay up far too late. I can't help it though. It's insomnia or something. My brain doesn't shut down til 12am or later. And until my brain shuts down, i can't sleep. But, the nap was nice. Of course, lil monsters kept coming in and then Makenneh hung out in my bedroom most of the time, playing with her kitty. But it was still relaxing and nice. She told me tonight that someone needs need to fix my car bc we need it. She misses running the roads and getting out of the house, too. I knew that was a lot of the problems this past week. WE are all used to going somewhere at least every couple days. Even if it's just to my mom's.

Jeremy is coming down with something. It started a few days ago. I think he ran a fever, but we never took his temp. but, boy did his skin feel warm. Now he has a scratchy throat, congestion and all that good stuff. He's quite miserable. of course, give a man a cold and they think they are dying.

I am going to contact my case worker monday morning and see if they can help me get the car fixed. I know they have programs for it...they were going to do it for the other car we owned. Hopefully it work out. Last time, we had such a hassle finding a place to give us an estimate and all. Only certain places will work with vouchers from the state. Then, there's the issue of getting the car to the shop to get the estimate. Jeremy's friend drives a tow truck, maybe he will be able to help us out. Otherwise, i don't know what we will do. Please say a prayer that this avenue works out for us. Because, otherwise, i see no way we will have the money to get it fixed anytime soon. And I need to get to the college to get my verification done. I did get a letter from the college that I will get about 1300.00 per year. Not a whole lot, but hopefully it will cover the costs of tuition and books. Otherwise, it will be a no go. Student loans are very hard to obtain and my credit is shot, so i doubt i would get one. I might only be able to go one semester a year. Gosh that will take me absolutely forever to get my degree. But, i guess it would be better than not getting it at all. I hope it works out bc i really want to do this. I can taste it. For the first time in my life, i can SEE myself reaching this goal. I can SEE myself as a counselor. I can FEEL it in my bones. I can ENVISION having financial security and a career.

Well, that's it for now. I could be back later, bc i had a late nap and could be up for awhile. The internet gets boring after i make my rounds.

Wow, it's friday

I didn't even realize it. I had to check my phone, which lists the day, date and time. It doesn't seem like friday. Mostly just because my days have all ran together with no real end or beginning.
I'm trying to think of who I can ask to come over so we can get Jeremy's check cashed and pick up a few things and even get the trash taken up to the dumpsters. It is too hot and too far to carry the stuff up there by foot. And the darn wagon is at my moms. The neighbor lady left her garbage can when she moved out. I'm thinking about grabbing it so i can at least put the trash out in that until someone is here and we can take it to the dumpster, bc it gets quite stinky, especially in this heat and humidity. And can't leave it sitting outside or the squirrels, cats and any other animals running around, tear into it. Trash...what has my life come to that i am blogging about trash...lol.

As far as I can recall, we don't have anywhere to go this weekend. That's right, no open house, wedding, shower, nothing. I feel like i must be forgetting something. But, either way, we have no wheels to get anywhere, so it doesn't really matter. LOL.

There really isn't much to blog about. I'm too irritated and grumpy.

Ready to Run

This being Holed up in this damn trailer is getting to me. The kids have been whiney, bratty, fighting, demanding, you name it. Every day, all day. Usually, i would break up the monotony by going to visit my mom or something. They would get a change of scene, i would get a bit of a break, bc gma has a huge plaything for the kids and a huge yard to run in, out in the country. Here, they have a patch of grass, little toys with which they are bored with, and it's wearing on us. Yesterday, i woke up with a migraine that just got worse as the day wore on. I had bunco, but it was hard to look forward to when my head was throbbing so bad i would have liked to drill a hole into my skull for relief. When i arrived at bunco, kathy gave me 2 motrins and that almost immediately alleviated the pain. I was able to relax and have a good time about half way through bunco. Then, i got home and holy Hell if the kids didn't wind up like 8 day clocks and go nuts. This morning, sebastian started off with being a cry baby. He hasn't stopped much since. Makenneh is being a mouthy lil brat. For instance, she had some pickles on a plate and a fork. When she was through, she tells me to put her fork in the sink. HELLO? She kept insisting that i do and do it now. I am at my wits end. The fork is still not in the sink and ill be damned if i put it in there. Then the kids are constantly yelling at each other, fighting over stupid stuff. I just want to run out of here.

i can feel my headache trying to come back...the stress and frustration doesn't help. I keep reminding myself to relax my facial muscles and jaw, bc in frustration, i tense them all up. But, it is just non-stop around here.

Oh how i want my car back on the road! Im ready to run!

A couple Pics, thanks to Julie!

Thank you Julie for telling me about emailing my pictures from my phone to my email box! Ahh, technology is so lovely (of course, it comes at a cost..and i will find out what that is come bill time..lol).

Anyway, here are two pics from Makenneh's end of the year field trip.

This is a picture from inside the train car. Makenneh sat with 2 of her friends, Estrella (in the middle, and Rachelle, by the window, can't really see her as well.) It was hard to get a pic of all 3 girls looking at the camera....lol. they were too excited!


This is a pic of makenneh on the kiddie horse/carriage type ride. She liked it more than this picture depicts.
I have more pictures i need to email myself, but it's a process, bc i have to type in my email addy and im slow at texting.

Makenneh's teacher stopped by yesterday morning to drop off her end of the year folder. Inside was all kinds of things...pictures taken throughout the year, including a pic of makenneh and daddy from kite nite, papers to work on throughout the summer, means for her to practice writing her name. It was so neat.

I woke up with a headache this morning..i felt like i had been hit by a Mack truck! I felt worse this morning than i did sunday morning after a night of drinking! Bleh! Hopefully i start feeling better soon. I would like to clean heavy duty around here, seems how i can't be distracted by a car sitting out front just screaming out to me to drive somewhere, anywhere! LOL.

Bunco is tonight. I can't wait. It was supposed to be next tues (we usually play the 2nd tues of the month) but the person hosting this month has her granddaughters' dance recital next tues. I am not complaining. Hopefully i do good again this month. Last month i got 1st place! Go me. Usually i get nothing.

It's chilly outside today and i haven't seen the sun yet. I had to shut all the windows and im still cold. I refuse to turn the furnace on. I can't believe that just last week it was around 90. And I think i got a cold from the weekend. Hanging out in the rain and being out all night, drinking, all that jazz..i think i caught a cold. But it was fun, for the most part. minus the part where a brawl, for lack of better word, broke out. It's always bound to happen if mark is drinking. Ppl who cannot handle their alcohol shouldn't drink it. I hate that ppl have to ruin the fun bc they have to start shit. I am a happy drinker. And I don't drink often. When i do, i hate to have the fun ruined by idiots.

and that brings me to this request...please pray for my uncle mark that he can resolve all the anger he has inside. he is such an angry person and it's just awful. He has been downright hateful towards his wife and kids more than he has been nice. I am quite sure more goes on than any of us will ever know and my heart absolutely breaks for those girls. They shouldn't have to live like that. Missy has a choice. she is an adult and she chooses to put up with his crap. Those girls don't get a choice. ~what's ahead, in blue, is the incident that happened saturday, summarized. Feel free to skip if you want. it's full of drama, to say the least.~
Saturday night, i lost any and all respect for her. She makes excuses for his behavior and she continues to place those girls in harms way by making them go home to him when he is in a drunken tyrade. NO mother should ever place their kids in harm's way. it's a mother's duty to protect her children and any cost. And it would be a cold day in hell before i would allow my husband/their dad to treat my kids the way mark treats those girls. the whole mess saturday started when he came up to markie and was poking at her. she asked him to stop. she was already upset with him bc he was drunk, acting a fool, flirting excessively with the young (18ish yr olds) girls there, disrespecting missy, yelling at her, etc. So markie didn't want him around her to begin with. sHe is old enough to see what he does. Well, after asking him several times, nicely, but firmly, to leave her alone and even saying, please, he kept up. So, to try to prevent a blow up, i put my arm around markie and told her it was ok to calm down. tHen i reached down and tickled her leg. This made her laugh. she leaned down on the bench laughing and i bent over and said something funny to her to keep her laughing. Well, mark assumed she was crying and jumped her saying, "what the hell are you crying for? blah blah" in a very mean tone. So markie got up and walked to the other end of the park. Mark followed right on her heels. She no sooner reached the other end and we hear screams. My blood boiled and i was filled with fear. Well, jeremy, mis and a couple others ran down there and by the time i got down there, there was a scene. I guess mark started yelling at markie and telling her that all of his marriage problems and all the family problems are markie's fault. Yep, she chose to be brought into this world, just to ruin his life. Sorry but its not her fault that he is a drunk, a womanizer, disrespectful, etc. Well, he kept saying these hurtful things to markie and our 17 yo cousin was nearby. He tried to get mark to stop and he wouldn't. Corey started in on mark and then i guess when he went to walk away, mark punched him in the back of the head, 3 times. by this time, my brother (who is a huge ox) tries to break things up. Mark started swinging at matt, so matt took him down and told him to just get the hell out of there. Mark was a freakin live wire. In the course of all the action, he managed to bite his brother, ken, kick my brother in the privates, choke my 16 yo cousin, kenny plus kicked him in the privates (left kenny hyperventilating btwn being choked and kicked in the privates). It was a mess. But, after we got mark out of there, all was well again. The girls were originally going to stay overnight in the camper with me, jeremy, matt and sara. Well, mark made missy come back to get the girls. They didn't want to go and we tried to talk missy into letting them stay. We were afraid of what mark would do when they got there..esp to markie. But, she kept making excuses and saying he wouldn't do anything to them, that she would hurt him, blah blah blah. The fact that you even have to consider that should speak volumes. Matt had a long talk with her how those girls deserve better than that and that while she has a choice to stay and put up with it, those girls don't. I think it mostly fell on deaf ears. Hopefully though, in the quiet of the night or something, she thinks about what he said. The good thing is, both girls have been talking to the school counselor. So, at least they have a trusted adult to confide in and talk to and get some help from. Even allana, who is only 11 yrs old, told carrie that he is just so full of anger. It's sad that his young daughter is able to notice this. but it's not really hard to see.

Well, that's it for now. I have to get cleaning. have a great day and i hope some of you are at least having some sun...it's cold and dreary here!

Bookmarks are back

I just reinstalled the newest version of firefox and voila! the bookmarks are back! I don't know what happened, but im glad they are back.

The kids are both sleeping and Im thinking of crashing myself. I am so exhausted!

Tired

What a long weekend. yesterday was my cousin's open house (graduation party). My brother let me use his car so we could get there. The party was at a park that has a large pond, more like a lake, with paddle boats, canoes, playgroud, fire pits and plenty of room to camp. You can rent the park for the night and that's what they did. So, we stayed overnight. It was fun for the most part, but some crap went down that i will post about later, bc well, im just too darn tired to think right at this time.

Jeremy did a "go back" or whatever you wanna call it...system restoration, i guess. So, i lost all of my bookmarks. I just tried bookmarking my blog page and it's not working. I don't know what the problem is. Grrr.

anyway, that's it for now...gotta get my bookmarks figured out!

My poor children will be scarred for life

I shouldn't even admit to this, but damn when the humidity is soo high and accompanied with high heat..i don't want to be fully clothed. So, here I am, in my bra. My children are going to need years of therapy to undo the damage this image has caused. Not to mention, their retinas are probably forever burned. But, im not dripping sweat! And that is nice.

So anyway, on to life. Yesterday i went to my mom's. From there, we went to my uncle's who lives right down the road. Well, gee, this is confusing...but hang with me here. My uncle mark and his family are staying with my uncle ken (the one who lives down the road from my parents). Well, when i got there, he jumps up from his seat at the table and says, im gonna go put your car up on the jack and check out the wheels to see why it's driving like that. So, out he goes. HE comes in moments later and says, YOU ARE NOT DRIVING THAT CAR HOME! He had me come out and see why. The tirod was almost broken right off. he could wiggle the tire back and forth several inches..and you can see the tirod barely hanging on. Even me, who knows very little about cars. So, he showed me that the bearing are bad as well, by wiggling the tire up and down (or it could be vice versa)...and it wiggled several inches. Horrible! I surely have had guardian angels riding with me in that car. IT was so bad that my mom got choked up and teary eyed thinking about what could have happened if that tirod would have snapped off while i was driving down the road.

The bad news is, we just don't have the money to fix it. It's gonna cost 149.00 for the parts. Then, we need 4 new tires too. AT least one, but really they are all bad. So, we are carless for awhile. IT sucks. I was so depressed last night, i just cried. I didnt' know how i would get makenneh to her field trip this morning and i felt like a big piece of shit parent. How could i keep her from her last field trip of her very first year of school? My dad went on first shift, so mom is home without a car all day as well, so no help there. Well, her friend kathy (who is my best friend's mom) stopped over and they were talking about my dilemma. Kathy called Tiffney (her daughter, my bf). Tiffney said she would drop us off at the park. I felt so bad bc with her busy schedule, we haven't talked in over a month. I hated that it took me needing something to get us in touch. I felt like such a heel and horrible friend. Well, anyway, i held out and decided to call my brother, bc he is out of work in time for me to use his car. So, it ended up that Tiff came and picked us up this morning, took me to my brother's where i picked up his car. Then she took Sebastian to my uncle's for me. What a great friend! and certainly a lifesaver. Or at least, a mommy saver. My brother is letting me keep his car tonight (they have 2 cars) so that i can go to the open house and wedding we have tomorrow. Thank goodness! Then, it will be a life without car for awhile. The very thought depresses me beyond belief. I see my hopes and dreams of going back to college wash down the drain, my need to get a job to get us through this financial mess, as we are going further in debt every month...it's all gone. Then, I read Helen's blog and I find strength. She has faced so much and remains so strong. She is such an inspiration! I love you, Helen...you are absolutely awesome! I just have to let go and let God. I can't continue to try to do this on my own. It is high time I cast my burdens on Him and have faith that He will see us through.

On a positive note, we did make it to the field trip. The bad news is, i forgot my camera. I felt so bad. I did use my camera phone to take some pics, but i don't have the means to upload those pics. Im gonna get ahold of my brother in law to see if he has whatever it is i need to upload the pics. I also gave my email addy to one of the mom's who was taking pics and she said she will email me pics. So when she does, i will be sure to post. Makenneh was awesome today. We had a good time. She isn't old enough to appreciate the historical aspect of the village, but she loved the animals and the craft tent and the train. OH and they have a carasoul there that is ancient. I can't remember exactly how old...but well over 100 yrs old. We rode on that. The tickets were 1.00 a piece and it just took one ticket per person per ride. She wanted to sit on the carriage part, which doesn't move up and down, so i was a bit bummed. That is, until the darn thing started and make my stomach flop. IT may be old, but that darn thing goes fast! I got sick to my stomach. We got off that and she wanted to ride the ferris wheel. Same thing..this thing is ancient. It's old and rickety and im fat. All i could think was that this thing would break and we would crash to our deaths. How lovely, eh? But, i bored...squeeze my wide butt through the small opening to enter the cage that they call a ferris wheel. SO, kenneh and i are sitting in this cage, and we go up one spot while they continue to unload and reload. Ugh. The thing rocked back and forth and jerked and whizzed. I called my mom. I told her what i was doing and that it was quite scary. I added that should i die, to tell everyone i love them. I said it more in humor, but im telling ya, the thought crossed my mind. Then, the worst part. We were finished loading and it started going....fast! Why must these old rickety things go so damn fast? I let out a bit of a screech. ONe would have thought that i was a kid on the largest roller coaster...at the top, ready to go down. I couldn't help it. Then, makenneh grabs my hand. Her face contorts and she asked if she could get off. ummm nope, sure can't. this thing is in motion. WE are along for the ride, like it or not. I told her it was ok. I told her that the only reason i let out a screech was bc it was making my belly flip and flop. she said hers was too. I can only imagine. I was sure i was gonna lose the contents of my stomach. I am not cut out for these rides. I get motion sickness. I just didn't think a ferris wheel that is over 100 yrs old could make me ill. I was wrong. I am certain i was green as we unloaded. I must say, we did end up enjoying ourselves after the initial shock. And after i figured we weren't going to crash to our deaths. But makenneh kept a tight grip on my hands. So, yeah, we had a great time. The best part was the train ride. The weather held off for us, we only got sprinkled on for a few mins. Of course, that was followed by sun and extreme humidity. But by that time, all we had left to do was go on the train ride. The train is made of cars that date back to as early as the 1800's. They have been restored and they maintain them all right on the premises. IT was pretty neat to learn that. The engine that hauled us was from a train that used to haul coal through the rocky mountains. Neat stuff. Of course, these 3 and 4 yr olds coulda cared less. It was a train..it went choo choo and that's all they need to enjoy! The cutest thing was, makenneh sat with two of her friends from her class. They sat together and enjoyed the ride. As i sat in the seat behind them, i had to notice that it was neat that in the seat in front of me was 3 little girls, all friends, and all from different ethnic backgrounds. Makenneh is caucasion, Estrella is Mexican and speaks fluent spanish and Rachelle is biracial. Her dad is white, mom is black. How beautiful that kids are so pure and innocent and free from the nasty stereotypes and racism. THey just see each other and kids. as friends. AS human beings. How nice the world would be if we all looked at life, at each other, through the eyes of a young child? There is so much to learn from young children, that's for sure.

On that note, i was reminded of the beauty of life, of motherhood, last night. i sat on the couch, tears stinging my eyes, and said to Jeremy, I give up. I can't do this anymore. And I swear that as soon as i said that, Sebastian, who was sitting in the chair, directly across from me, looked up from playing with his ball and blew me a kiss. I lost it. I knew that that was God reminding me that I must go on! I have 2 children who need me to pick up the pieces and keep going forward. I was reminded that it will be ok. It has to be. That no matter what happens, I have 2 little people who believe in me, who need me, who love me. IT was a beautiful moment!

Yeah, it's a long blog tonight. So much on my mind. It is nice to have somewhere to get it all out. A place to keep memories (for moments when i space out and forget to take cameras along on field trips), to keep reminders of the beauty of life, as well as reminders as to why I am done having children. lol

And speaking of more children...for the first time, since the vasectomy, i felt that longing...At our family picnic, my cousin's gf was there with thier newest baby. He is only 7 weeks old. I held him, fed him, burped him, snuggled him. I enjoyed him. For a moment, i longed to have my very own newborn again. But, i thought about how nice it was that i could eat him up, love on him, take in the newness that is newborns, and send him home. I don't have to be up every few hours to feed, i don't have to worry about somehow ruining him for life, i don't have to deal with anything...just hold him and send him back! Nothing more! It was nice to say, here mom, you can have him back now! And i could go about my business.

Well, my eyes are begging to have my contacts pryed off of them and soaked. So, i am off here to put the good ol glasses on for the night!