My poor children will be scarred for life

I shouldn't even admit to this, but damn when the humidity is soo high and accompanied with high heat..i don't want to be fully clothed. So, here I am, in my bra. My children are going to need years of therapy to undo the damage this image has caused. Not to mention, their retinas are probably forever burned. But, im not dripping sweat! And that is nice.

So anyway, on to life. Yesterday i went to my mom's. From there, we went to my uncle's who lives right down the road. Well, gee, this is confusing...but hang with me here. My uncle mark and his family are staying with my uncle ken (the one who lives down the road from my parents). Well, when i got there, he jumps up from his seat at the table and says, im gonna go put your car up on the jack and check out the wheels to see why it's driving like that. So, out he goes. HE comes in moments later and says, YOU ARE NOT DRIVING THAT CAR HOME! He had me come out and see why. The tirod was almost broken right off. he could wiggle the tire back and forth several inches..and you can see the tirod barely hanging on. Even me, who knows very little about cars. So, he showed me that the bearing are bad as well, by wiggling the tire up and down (or it could be vice versa)...and it wiggled several inches. Horrible! I surely have had guardian angels riding with me in that car. IT was so bad that my mom got choked up and teary eyed thinking about what could have happened if that tirod would have snapped off while i was driving down the road.

The bad news is, we just don't have the money to fix it. It's gonna cost 149.00 for the parts. Then, we need 4 new tires too. AT least one, but really they are all bad. So, we are carless for awhile. IT sucks. I was so depressed last night, i just cried. I didnt' know how i would get makenneh to her field trip this morning and i felt like a big piece of shit parent. How could i keep her from her last field trip of her very first year of school? My dad went on first shift, so mom is home without a car all day as well, so no help there. Well, her friend kathy (who is my best friend's mom) stopped over and they were talking about my dilemma. Kathy called Tiffney (her daughter, my bf). Tiffney said she would drop us off at the park. I felt so bad bc with her busy schedule, we haven't talked in over a month. I hated that it took me needing something to get us in touch. I felt like such a heel and horrible friend. Well, anyway, i held out and decided to call my brother, bc he is out of work in time for me to use his car. So, it ended up that Tiff came and picked us up this morning, took me to my brother's where i picked up his car. Then she took Sebastian to my uncle's for me. What a great friend! and certainly a lifesaver. Or at least, a mommy saver. My brother is letting me keep his car tonight (they have 2 cars) so that i can go to the open house and wedding we have tomorrow. Thank goodness! Then, it will be a life without car for awhile. The very thought depresses me beyond belief. I see my hopes and dreams of going back to college wash down the drain, my need to get a job to get us through this financial mess, as we are going further in debt every month...it's all gone. Then, I read Helen's blog and I find strength. She has faced so much and remains so strong. She is such an inspiration! I love you, Helen...you are absolutely awesome! I just have to let go and let God. I can't continue to try to do this on my own. It is high time I cast my burdens on Him and have faith that He will see us through.

On a positive note, we did make it to the field trip. The bad news is, i forgot my camera. I felt so bad. I did use my camera phone to take some pics, but i don't have the means to upload those pics. Im gonna get ahold of my brother in law to see if he has whatever it is i need to upload the pics. I also gave my email addy to one of the mom's who was taking pics and she said she will email me pics. So when she does, i will be sure to post. Makenneh was awesome today. We had a good time. She isn't old enough to appreciate the historical aspect of the village, but she loved the animals and the craft tent and the train. OH and they have a carasoul there that is ancient. I can't remember exactly how old...but well over 100 yrs old. We rode on that. The tickets were 1.00 a piece and it just took one ticket per person per ride. She wanted to sit on the carriage part, which doesn't move up and down, so i was a bit bummed. That is, until the darn thing started and make my stomach flop. IT may be old, but that darn thing goes fast! I got sick to my stomach. We got off that and she wanted to ride the ferris wheel. Same thing..this thing is ancient. It's old and rickety and im fat. All i could think was that this thing would break and we would crash to our deaths. How lovely, eh? But, i bored...squeeze my wide butt through the small opening to enter the cage that they call a ferris wheel. SO, kenneh and i are sitting in this cage, and we go up one spot while they continue to unload and reload. Ugh. The thing rocked back and forth and jerked and whizzed. I called my mom. I told her what i was doing and that it was quite scary. I added that should i die, to tell everyone i love them. I said it more in humor, but im telling ya, the thought crossed my mind. Then, the worst part. We were finished loading and it started going....fast! Why must these old rickety things go so damn fast? I let out a bit of a screech. ONe would have thought that i was a kid on the largest roller coaster...at the top, ready to go down. I couldn't help it. Then, makenneh grabs my hand. Her face contorts and she asked if she could get off. ummm nope, sure can't. this thing is in motion. WE are along for the ride, like it or not. I told her it was ok. I told her that the only reason i let out a screech was bc it was making my belly flip and flop. she said hers was too. I can only imagine. I was sure i was gonna lose the contents of my stomach. I am not cut out for these rides. I get motion sickness. I just didn't think a ferris wheel that is over 100 yrs old could make me ill. I was wrong. I am certain i was green as we unloaded. I must say, we did end up enjoying ourselves after the initial shock. And after i figured we weren't going to crash to our deaths. But makenneh kept a tight grip on my hands. So, yeah, we had a great time. The best part was the train ride. The weather held off for us, we only got sprinkled on for a few mins. Of course, that was followed by sun and extreme humidity. But by that time, all we had left to do was go on the train ride. The train is made of cars that date back to as early as the 1800's. They have been restored and they maintain them all right on the premises. IT was pretty neat to learn that. The engine that hauled us was from a train that used to haul coal through the rocky mountains. Neat stuff. Of course, these 3 and 4 yr olds coulda cared less. It was a train..it went choo choo and that's all they need to enjoy! The cutest thing was, makenneh sat with two of her friends from her class. They sat together and enjoyed the ride. As i sat in the seat behind them, i had to notice that it was neat that in the seat in front of me was 3 little girls, all friends, and all from different ethnic backgrounds. Makenneh is caucasion, Estrella is Mexican and speaks fluent spanish and Rachelle is biracial. Her dad is white, mom is black. How beautiful that kids are so pure and innocent and free from the nasty stereotypes and racism. THey just see each other and kids. as friends. AS human beings. How nice the world would be if we all looked at life, at each other, through the eyes of a young child? There is so much to learn from young children, that's for sure.

On that note, i was reminded of the beauty of life, of motherhood, last night. i sat on the couch, tears stinging my eyes, and said to Jeremy, I give up. I can't do this anymore. And I swear that as soon as i said that, Sebastian, who was sitting in the chair, directly across from me, looked up from playing with his ball and blew me a kiss. I lost it. I knew that that was God reminding me that I must go on! I have 2 children who need me to pick up the pieces and keep going forward. I was reminded that it will be ok. It has to be. That no matter what happens, I have 2 little people who believe in me, who need me, who love me. IT was a beautiful moment!

Yeah, it's a long blog tonight. So much on my mind. It is nice to have somewhere to get it all out. A place to keep memories (for moments when i space out and forget to take cameras along on field trips), to keep reminders of the beauty of life, as well as reminders as to why I am done having children. lol

And speaking of more children...for the first time, since the vasectomy, i felt that longing...At our family picnic, my cousin's gf was there with thier newest baby. He is only 7 weeks old. I held him, fed him, burped him, snuggled him. I enjoyed him. For a moment, i longed to have my very own newborn again. But, i thought about how nice it was that i could eat him up, love on him, take in the newness that is newborns, and send him home. I don't have to be up every few hours to feed, i don't have to worry about somehow ruining him for life, i don't have to deal with anything...just hold him and send him back! Nothing more! It was nice to say, here mom, you can have him back now! And i could go about my business.

Well, my eyes are begging to have my contacts pryed off of them and soaked. So, i am off here to put the good ol glasses on for the night!