What are "they" trying to tell me?

So, Jeremy goes to the mailbox this afternoon and comes in with the mail. As he lays it on the table he says (jokingly of course), "See, I told you you were getting old." What???? What are you talking about?

I received an AARP membership application/card today. Yes, I did. I am not quite sure whether to be humored by this, or mortified. Mostly, I suppose, I'm humored by it. Membership fees are 12.50/yr for you and your spouse. I told him I am half-tempted to pay it, just for shits and giggles. And I have to appreciate the last line in their little letter: "You'll also appreciate AARP's trustworthy information and resources. It can help you protect your health, your money and your career, and make the most of life over 50."

Well, then. So this is life over 50? I was certainly hoping for something a little better. Say, having my own place, children mostly grown, ya know....those kinds of things. But, hey. AARP has me in the over 50 club already. Hahahaha. I can't help but think how my mom would be sooo mortified by the thought. LOL. OF course, this comes today when I do feel 50 and was already reminded of my aging.
My cousin and her husband came over last night and we got to playing Euchre. Well, they ended up staying here until 630am. Yes! I had been up for 23.5 hours at that point. Wow! I have had bits and pieces of broken sleep, totalling about 2 hours. I tried taking a nap but it just wasn't working..i couldn't sleep. I am feeling it though. I am just too darned old for those tricks. My cousin and her hubby don't have kids yet, so they don't understand the true value of sleep. Someday, someday. We had a good time and time really just flew by, as we played game after game, paying little to no mind to the time.

I called my mom earlier and they are on their way home..should be here any time now, actually. I hustled around picking up because, while the house wasn't trashed or anything, my mom is anal about not coming home from a trip to a messy house. So, i made sure the dishes were done, things picked up, the floors vaccuumed, etc. And even lit some candles to make it smell nice and pretty!

Well, I am going to head back outside and spend time with the family...that's what we were doing earlier. It's beautiful outside. And i may just have to fill out my membership application...lol.

Is this day over yet?

Wow, it has been one of those strange days. Not really bad. Just blah. Jeremy didn't have to work today..and we just lazed around all darn day. I did start laundry shortly after opening my eyes this morning (which I woke up at 7am....when Makenneh didn't have school today). I have also done the dishes more times than I care to count today (Frankly, once is plenty, but where do all these dishes come from? I think I will not cook dinner anymore, lol). I had a roast started by noon and a pot of green beans from the garden started shortly thereafter. We have all these beans and well, they need to be eaten or blanched and frozen (which I have done that as well). And my sister brought tomatoes over last weekend to can, but decided not to bother, bc there wasn't a lot and it was very hot. But, she left them so we have them on top of the ones we have picked from our own garden. Best part? I don't do tomatoes. I like them in chilis and casseroles and such but I do not like uncooked, plain tomatoes. Neither does Jeremy. The kids aren't overly excited about them either. So, here they sit. I did send some over to the neighbors. Of course, dad had mentioned prior to leaving that if i felt ambitious, i could can them. hah. I haven't felt the surge, sorry. I have never had anything to do with canning and it seems a bit intimadating to try it on my own for the first time...even my sister consults mom's help with the canning and she is all into that stuff.

So, back to my lazy, blah day. Jeremy has been sleeping since around 5something and it is now almost 9pm. I have not bothered with dressing...just put on my peasanty type skirt and a tank top and called it good. I could easily go to bed right now and not feel bad. OF course, the kids are still up and that is what I have to do once I am done here. Makenneh fights bedtime so bad because she has a friend next door, Cassie, and they play all day, every waking moment and why should she part with Cassie to do something so trivial and boring as sleep? There are bugs to catch and insects to ponder over and caterpillars to watch cacoon and games to play and barbies to dress and pages to color. No time for sleep. Barely time for eat. So, every night we have to listen to her whine and cry about how she wants to play with Cassie and it's not even fair and she doesn't want to go bed and can Cassie read to me and it's not even dark outside and and and. I am so glad that she has such a good friend but my, I am over hearing about Cassie this and Cassie that. ANd don't dare argue with Cassie's wisdom. If Cassie says it is so, why then, it must be so. I am sure that as the school year progresses, she will find friends in her classroom and maybe this Cassie fascination will slow down. But, for the summer, Cassie is all she had and they have so much in common, despite Cassie being 11 yrs old. They love to catch the bugs and then Cassie looks them up online and tells Makenneh what they are, what they eat, where they live, etc. Cassie loves to learn and she is digs to find the knowledge and that is an admirable trait...one I don't mind rubbing off on Makenneh (not that Makenneh lacks there, anyway, she loves to learn the stuff as well).

Anyway, I have babbled enough. I am bored out of my mind and it is time to put the children to bed...and maybe collapse there myself. Have a good night everyone

Another Morning ETA: BOOKS!

Makenneh is doing very well getting up in the morning. I was a little skeptical at first, because this girl has loved to sleep in since she got the hang of actually sleeping. It took her a couple years to decide to sleep through the night, but once she got it...well, even before she got it, mornings weren't her thing. She got that from me, I'm quite sure. So, when I found out she would have morning kindy, I cringed for myself, because, well, I don't do mornings. I also feared the battle I would have getting her up that early. But, I figured, she has to get it down sometime, because first grade gives no option. To my surprise, she jumps right up out of bed when I wake her. No grumbles, no fuss. I have minimal problems getting her ready in the morning. The main thing is, she is a dawdler. Takes her sweet time, assuming time will stop for her. But it's not too bad. She loves going to school and riding the bus, so I just to mention that she doesn't want to miss the bus and she steps it up.

Last night her school had a back to school open house. We were able to meet her teacher, get info on girl scouts, a savings account program through a local credit union and of course, the endless sign up sheets for volunteering. We signed her up for girl scouts...well didn't officially sign up but filled out the form to be contacted about it. Makenneh also wants to do the savings account thing they offer. I think it's quite neat. Every wednesday, a rep from the credit union comes in and collects the kids' deposits, shows them how the savings account works and all that good stuff. I think that is a great learning tool. Makenneh loves money..she loves to hoard it. She picks up change, saves any money we give her and stashes it in one of her purses. I have to go over the paperwork on it and see what it all about and make a decision about the savings plan. I feel bad bc my sister works at a bank and if i opened an account there, she would get credit but having this through the school is so much easier and it gives Makenneh a hands on approach to saving money. I also signed up to volunteer for several different things. They will send info home closer to each event and I can decide then if I am able to do it. It will all depend on what days these things fall and what my school schedule is, my vehicle situation, etc. But, I will try to do what I can.

My sister went to the doctor yesterday morning. When she initially called for the appointment, they set it for next week. My mom told her to call back and explain the cramping and discharge, so she did. They told her to come in the very next morning. He did her blood work and sent it off and called the OB to talk to him, let him know the lab work has been done and that he would be receiving it in his office. Then, her doctor (who is also our doctor and I love him), ordered an ultrasound that will be in two weeks. I thought it was great that he did that, rather than make her wait until she got into the OB and have him order it. So, in two weeks she will be able to put her mind completely at ease. THe doc explained that it very well could be normal. On the flip side, it could mean something like a tubal pregnancy. We are hoping and praying that that isn't the case and everything is fine. The doc asked her if she was excited and she said she doesn't want to be too excited yet, until she knows everything is fine. He did do a pelvic exam and said that everything feels right, so we hope that is a good sign. Keep her and the baby in your thoughts and prayers. Her due date is April 30th. Our grandma's bday was May 3rd...i told Carrie it would be cool if she had the baby on that day.

I don't know if i had mentioned, but we had Makenneh's school clothes out on Sunday so she could show her grandma chris and I put all the bags back in my room, or so i thought. Monday, i was uanble to find one of hte bags that has a few pair of her pants in it. I am stressed because I still haven't found it. Every day, I dig through here trying to find it. The only thing I can think of it was left in the living room and got mixed in with the stuff my parents had stacked up to take camping with them. I am hoping that is the case and I will have them back this weekend. Otherwise, the girl is gonna be short of school clothes. Luckily, she has enough clothes to get her through the first week. I don't know what else could have happened to them. so frustrating.

Well, Sebastian is ready for breakfast, so I am off here...have a good day

ETA: I am soooo excited, my books came today. I ordered them on Friday night and here they are. I am ready for school now! Woohoo!

Freezing

Ugh, I left the windows open last night and couldn't sleep because I kept waking up cold. It got mighty cold last night. I now wish I would have taken the extra time to go through and shut windows before going to bed. I will be sure to do that tonight. I actually turned the furnace on when i got up this morning to take the chill off the air and I am just now beginning to thaw out. My parents were probably popsicle sticks sleeping in a dang tent in the UP.

Makenneh loves school. She had a great day. And of course she brought home several forms I had to fill out and I got those all done and ready to turn in. Sebastian had his physical and that is out of the way. He had to have two shots, poor thing. On the way home, he told me, "She hurt me mom". When he saw daddy he told daddy, "They still hurt" and then last night he told me, "No more boo boos, mommy." Whew. He did cry a bit more than Makenneh ever did but he still bounced back rather fast. The doctor asked if we are having any issues and I told him potty training. He gave me a paper on toilet training resistance. But like he said, it's nothing you can force and something they do on their own time. He stressed that I have to refrain from getting frustrated because it only hinders the progress. Of course, I knew all this, but it is nice to hear it again and know that he will be trained before his first date! LOL. ANd I just have to keep reminding myself that once he is done with diapers, I am done with diapers for good! I have been changing dirty diapers for 5 yrs now. I am ready to give them up!


Well, I need to get Makenneh up and get her ready for school..i .let her sleep an extra 15 mins today and we will see how we do for time this time. Yesterday she had too long to sit and wait...she was antsy. Have a great day!

Off to Kindy

I survived putting her on the bus. Tears only stung my eyes after the bus was pulling away. Not too bad. Of course, what really helped is her eagerness to go. I woke her up at 7:05 and she jumped right up, excited about school. She asked if it was time to go to school and I said it was time to get ready to go to school. She jumps out of bed and says, "Im so excited!" I had gotten her up a little bit early because I was unsure of how the morning would unfold and I wanted to allow enough time for everything without too much rush. Hah, she was a trouper. She couldn't wait to get dressed and go wait for the bus. She was ready with over 40 mins to spare. She spent most of the rest of the morning either watching the clock or waiting outside for the bus. I took plenty of pictures, most of which she just had to pose for. As soon as Jeremy digs out the adapter for my printer, I will load them on here ( I am going to make that his mission for this afternoon). I got a cute one of her walking down the driveway. In hindsight, I should've given my mom the camera and had her take a pic of Kenneh and I walking hand in hand down the driveway...but of course, I was still in my pj pants...who really cares though! Anyway, it went well and her bus driver seems to be a real sweet heart.

Ok, thats it for now because Sebastian wants me to sit outside with him.....I may post an update after she gets home!

Wahhhh, I don't want her to go

Makenneh's first day of Kindergarten is tomorrow....in about 10 hours or so....and I have become a blubbering blob of emotions. I didn't think it would be so hard because she has gone to school for the past two years. But, for some reason, I started having anxiety tonight. For one, I realized that we haven't even met her teacher, Makenneh has never been inside this school and oh my, what if she gets lost, scared, etc. I keep thinking of all the what-if possibilities and it makes me ill and fearful. I am usually not like this. I just feel like all my control is being handed over. I am handing one of my prized possessions (my son being the other) over to strangers. I have no control of her safety, well-being, etc for those several hours. I don't know. I have cried and cried. The anxiety actually started when i woke up this morning. We stayed at my uncle's last night. I got up and felt antsy as ever. I couldn't stand it. So, around 1pm we come home. I ran to the store with my mom after awhile and got home to be reminded I had a baby shower this afternoon and my mother in law had called, was on her way to get me. Great..had to rush around for that and abandon all other missions. Get home from at about 730 and well, it's time for bath and bed for the kids. I get Makenneh in the shower and she does fine...until it's time to get out. She melts down. She has an attitude, is being sassy as all hell and wow. It hits me..she is probably feeling anxious about tomorrow, so I stay calm with her. Light bulb goes off ..i still need to run up to the shcool to get the bus route info that should be posted on the doors. Aha. Tell Makenneh that if she is good and gets out of the shower, she can go with me, I will show her where her school is. She gets out and dressed....oh shit, dad is cleaning out car in prep for their trip tomorrow (mom and dad are leaving for a camping trip). Makenneh starts crying that she wants to see her school, I am stressed thinking I won't get to find out what bus she rides and what time she needs to be out there, etc. I bark at Jeremy that the HAS to get fixed, I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! Well, I come in the house and just break down. I call Makenneh into the bedroom and hold her. I wanted so badly to tell her it would be ok, but how could I? I can't be sure that it will be. I just stroke her hair for a moment while I regain my composure. Then, I tell her everything will ok and isn't it exciting and you are going to the very same school mama went to when she was a little girl, and oh the friends you will meet, and don't forget the new clothes and backpack and how fun! She still is upset bc she wants to see her school. I can understand that, because I want her to see it. But, I have no control over the vehicle situation. Did i mention that this is taking place around 8pm? I wanted her in bed at 8pm, not worrying over this stuff. To make a long story a lil shorter, dad finished washing car windows and whatever and mom runs us up there....there is nothing on the doors about teachers, classes, bus routes, nothing. But, she was able to look in through the glass doors and see a bit and I showed her the windows that will probably be her classroom and she felt much better. I also pointed to the area she will get off the bus and whew, we both feel much better. I came home from that and my mother in law had called with the bus number. My mom called her back and they chatted while I got Makenneh to bed. She had gone online and found out that bit of info and I am going to call the bus garage in the morning to find out an appx pick up time. Deep breath, I think we will be ok. Of course, I know I am going to be a wreck tomorrow morning putting her on the bus. I hope I can hold it together though!!! This is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be!

ANd guess what?!!! We found out the other day that my sister is pregnant. She took a home test and it is positive. I think that was on Friday. She is calling tomorrow to get her appointment. She is a bit nervous though because she is having a brownish discharge and she has had cramps....i don't remember those things in my pregnancies and not sure if it normal or not. I know you can spot and stuff, but i don't know the extent. I pray that everything works out because they are so absolutely excited. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers. ~*~*~Lots of sticky dust~*~*~

Well, I guess I have exhausted most emotional thoughts for the moments. I have a headache now from the crying and I think I need to go lay my weary head down and try to get some sleep....have to be up early early...bus garage opens at 6am and I must be calling to find out when her bus will be here to get her!

Wish me luck!

la de da

Nothing of particular interest to say tonight. Just thought I would make a quick post before heading off to bed.

My parents leave Sunday to go up north camping. They will be gone all week. I am rather looking forward to some time with just the 4 of us. We are on the summer vacation wind down because Makenneh starts school on Monday. Yep, as of Monday, she will be a kindergartner (have no idea if i spelled that right). I can't believe it. WE got the letter from her teacher today and the only school supplies she needs is a backpack with her name in it. We can donate a box of tissue, hand sanitizer wipes or storage baggies if we wish, but everything else is provided, even a free breakfast. That means no snacks are even needed. I can't believe it. I expected to get a list from here to kingdom come. I remember one year my little cousin Joey got his list of supplies....it included dry erase markers and all kinds of other supplies. It was ridiculous. It was obvious that his teacher was basically asking the students to provide all of her supplies for the year. Which wouldn't be so bad, but it should be on a donation basis, not included in the list of necessity school supplies the parents are "obligated" to buy. So, anyway, I was happy to have such a short list.

Sebastian still refuses to potty train. I even tried the pull ups, out of desperation. Nope..he still pees and poos in them all the same. He is even content to sit in a dirty diaper. He will not want his diaper changed. The boy is strange.

Well, I guess, now that I have discussed pee and poo, can't be much left to talk about right? Hope everyone has a great night.

Some days, err, moments, are diamonds....

Today, Makenneh told me she really wants a parrot. I told her when she grows up and gets her own place, she can have a parrot. She replied: I don't wanna gwow up n have babies and move out. I wanna stay with my mommy foweveh," as she threw her arms around me. It was the most precious moment. I told her she will always be my little girl, even when she's all grown up. Moments like that make the not-so-fun times so worth it.

And now for the story of the walking man and his book. Yes, that's right. He walks, every day, past our house, while reading a book. Face buried right in the thing. I don't know how he manages it. Today, as he passed by, Sparky (the family dog) decides to go out to him, barking. I call for the dog, dog doesn't listen. I yell out to walking book man that the dog won't bite, while Jeremy walks toward road to collect dog. The man takes a few steps past the dog without so much as flinching...then he turns around in a fluid like movement, walks to the dog, all the while his face buried in the book. He removes the book from his face and leans down a bit to let Sparky sniff him, then he pets the dog and picks the book back up to his nose and continues on his way, smooth as silk. It was almost unbelievable to watch. It was strange. Very strange. As Jeremy comes back up to the porch, I say, "I have no idea how he does that; I would lose my place." To which Jeremy replies, "In the book or on the road?" Smart ass. "Both!" was my response. I can never help but watch this guy as he walks by every day. It amazes and baffles me all at the same time.

I am eager to get back to school, despite having no idea how i will actually get there. But, i washed my book bag today (that thing is well over 10 yrs old..i dare say closer to 15 yrs old). It has held up like no other, so I continue to use it. But, thought it could use a run through the wash cycle. I just finished filling it with my pens, pencils, sharpener, some notebooks, folders and other odds and ends. I am ready! Well, I need to go get my books first. I haven't done that yet. It takes a vehicle, which I don't have. So, there is a slight problem. Perhaps I can manage to get down there one day this week. Not that there are many days left in this week.

I had a great laugh session with the hubby tonight that has really helped fight the blahs. WE laughed so hard at each other I thought I would pee in my pants. It feels good to do that. Of course, we had the absolute pleasure of having a couple hours here with just the four of us. The kids played nicely in the toy room and Jeremy and I laughed til our sides hurt.

Well, I guess I have rambled enough for one night. Oh oh, before I go..i am so excited. My mom brought home a Norton 360 disc. She bought it today while she was out with my aunt. I will no longer have to worry about viruses, hackers, trojans, whatever. Of course, went to install it and the program won't open so i have to tech support in the morning to see if we can get it figured out. But, i am closer to protection now. I also found out (ok hubby found out) from my brother in law that we can install our old hard drive on this computer, use it as a slave drive (sounds so kind doesn't it...geesh) and still have access to our music files, photos, etc. I am very happy about that. And having this virus protection will clean up and prevent any of the problems from the old hard drive. ok, enough tech talk...good night

Why the foul language?

Yeah, im posting twice today. We had bunco tonight. Everyone knows how much I look forward to that. But, lately, it has been a bit rough. One of the ladies who plays has a foul mouth. She says the F word every other word and oh my, my ears want to bleed. Then, the past few months we have had a sub and she is the same way...cusses like a foul parrot. Now, don't get me wrong, I drop the F bomb from time to time. But, I do not say it in a group of people, especially when I don't know the other people on a very personal level. I also don't say it around people when I know it would totally offend them. I don't say it in public. I have some restraint. But, these two apparently have no filter whatsoever. Add to that the fact that they have to drink all the time. We never used to have alcohol at bunco. It's not necessary. But there are a few who have joined and they just can't go a day/night without drinking. Wowzers, tonight was crazy. And I lost, so that stinks too. But, it was nice to get out of the house. And I took the time to do my hair and makeup and I wore my new shirt mom and dad got me for my bday, paired with a necklace I had bought from a Lia Sophia Jewelry party. I received so many compliments. It felt good to be so put together. I don't do that very often. Made me feel better though. So, spirits are higher tonight than they were earlier. Hopefully tomorrow will be an even better day! It will!

FInally

Well, my computer finally crashed. I now am using my mother-in-law's old tower, so I can get online. I miss all the things I had on my computer, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Let's see, so much has gone on since I last posted. The first thing....RALPH WON THE PRIMARY ELECTION. This means he will be on the ballot, facing off with the incumbant state rep for our district. This leg of the journey is going to be a lot more hectic. We have to really get out there, get people's votes. A few key things will help. One, people are ready for change. Two, our current state rep isn't out there...people don't know much if anything about him. Three, Ralph's platform appeals to both sides of the political fence. Four, he is an every day joe, wanting to make changes. So, here's to a successful General election!

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 28. The day went quite well. Mom took me out to lunch then we went shopping and I got a couple shirts. We came home, my mother in law dropped the kids off and they had made me cards. Then my sister and Ralph came over, made dinner and we visited. The night before my bday, my brother made me pizza and had cake and ice cream for me. So, it was a nice day. Today is making up for it though. Sebastian has been a whine butt since he woke up this morning. I am at my wit's end with the boy. It doesn't help that my nerves are fried lately. The weight of not having a car is pulling me down quick fast and in a hurry. I feel so trapped, it sometimes takes my breath right away. I feel like a kid who has to ask permission for anything I want to do. I can't just run to the store to get something we need. I have to wait for dad to get home, ask to use the car, usually explain myself, mom comes up with a different option and I am just beside myself. I have cried myself to sleep a few different nights. I know this is all temporary but right now, it feels like pure hell. My patience have dwindled and we need our own place now. Jeremy is still hell bent on the tennessee idea. I don't see how it's feasible right now. We can't stand on our own two feet right now and that has to come before a big move like that. Not to mention, we can get out of here a hell of a lot faster if we stay in MI. Moving to tn will require more money and resources and therefore take a lot longer.

I could write an entire blog on the frustrations as of late. I probably need to. Because bottling them up is leaving me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. It's also making me physically ill. My body aches from head to toe, it hurts to get out of bed in the morning and I know that it all boils down to the stress I am under. It's coming out in physical form. So, for the sake of my sanity, I think I will vent for a bit. Please feel free to skip this section, if you wish. It may very well seem whiney, boring and even a tad angry. But, 'tis my blog and therapy it is.

Frustration one: My dad is on a holy roller kick. Great for him. I am glad that he has reconnected with the Lord and is very involved in church. We were raised in church, going every Sunday twice a day and every wednesday. Then, as we got older, everyone back-slid. There were periods in which us kids would go to church on the church bus, but dad hasn't gone in quite in some time. In all the meantime, I have been saved. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I believe that He died on the cross to pay for my sins. I believe that He rose again and I believe that He will come back for us. I have conversations with Him, I have faith. I realize that all the beauty around me is because of Him. When I see a rainbow, I am reminded of His promise. When I see flowers bloom, I am reminded of His Glory. When I suffer, I know He is with me. I am not a perfect person and I am not free from sin. I probably don't walk as straight and narrow as I could. But, I know, in my heart, that should I die right now, I will be welcomed into heaven to spend the rest of eternity with my Maker. So, why does Dad's "preachin" get to me? Because he is getting worse and worse about finding every little crack and cranny to shove religion down everyone's throat. I don't like that method. I feel that religion is a personal thing and it's btwn each individual and God. I also feel that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that doesn't make either of us wrong. Last night, my sister was getting frustrated, she had had a bad day and we were trying to play cards and just everything was chaotic. Dad's answer: It's satan trying to pull you back because you were on your prayer bones (she and Ralph had gone to Church Sunday). Ok, so it probably was the devil trying to interfere. But she is frustrated almost to tears and he goes on and on about God this and Satan that and you should do this and you shouldn't do that to the point she was ready to explode. How does that help anyone? She ended up muttering, "you are frustrating me...". I am happy for him that he has found God again. But, for me, God has always been there. Just because I'm not seating in a pew at the church doesn't mean that I have forgotten God. I don't want religion crammed down my throat though. I honestly feel that the people who do that are the ones who turn people away from religion. They do more harm than good. I think that by living the Word and doing what's right, it points people in the right direction. They can see the Glory of God working in you and that will encourage them. Pushing them only results in resistance coming back at you. I have issues with the organized religion. It seems (and I have often felt) that churches promote or create a sense of holier than thou attitude. You go to church, you are preached at about the wrong-doings of others, the fire and brimstone, judge judge judge. NO. I disagree with that. If Suzie wants to believe otherwise, that is her right, perogative. People who don't believe in God don't have to be evil. They can be civil, upright citizens. They just choose not to believe the same way I do and I am ok with that. Ok, end rant one.

The other stressor: MY mom. God love her. She tries. But she is the most negative person I have ever met in my entire life. She lives her life in absolutes so unwilling to see between the lines or in shades of gray. I don't think she even realizes this but she is constantly calling for a pity party..."everything I do turns out wrong..im just gonna quit ____..." For the love of God, please pick yourself up by the bootstraps woman and realize that when one thing goes wrong, it's not the world against you. It's just a bump in the road of life and life will go on. Trust me. I am living it. I have lots of bumps. But, I know that the bumps I have are my own fault, my own choices and nobody else to blame. Even now as I am stressed to the max, I still know there are better times ahead, things will improve and that my lack of patience is one of my biggest enemies. Over the weekend, she had me frustrated to the point of tears. I can't even begin to explain it. We had a volunteer appreciation party for the people who have helped this far with Ralph's campaign. I went to move a roaster over to the buffet table and had to stop short because Sebastian was in my way. The sudden stop caused the lid to come up a bit and i was burned quite badly on my hand from water/steam. I set it down and one lady gave me her bottle of cold water to put on it. My sister and I go outside to splash the water on it (the place we were at didn't have a sink) and i start crying. She asked if i was crying bc of the burn or bc of frustration with mom. I told her it was the frustration. I can't take much more of it. Her insecurities, constantly needing validation, feeling sorry for herself, negativity, absoluteness. It's just too much. It brings me down. And since Aunt Helen has passed and mom is no longer working, i deal with it 24/7. And have no car to get the hell out of here for a moment's reprieve. I love her, she has a lot of great qualities. She is a great person, just have to get past the grit. Just being able to escape here and write on this blog is helping tremendously. I can feel the weight lifting.

Gripe three: have i mentioned yet that i am trapped???? I am. It sucks. and we live out in the sticks so walking to anywhere, other than the next road that leads to nowhere, is out of the question.

ANd on to better things....

I got registered for class...in fact, it was the very last thing I was able to do on my computer before it crashed...was look up the classes and devise a schedule that would work for me. THen I went to the campus the next day (after my dad got home from work) and made it all official. I go monday thru thursday....once a day, except on Wednesdays, when I have two classes. I can't wait for classes to start. I need the break. And speaking of school starting, Makenneh starts kindergarten on the 25th. Sebastian is supposed to start headstart after Labor day, but he wants nothing to do with potty training yet, so it looks like he may be stuck home another year with mom. I have been working hard with him the past week or so and he just won't do it. We have even taken away the privelage of video games until he potty trains (we did this quite awhile ago). he still won't do it. I am out of ambition. I figure he will be in diapers until high school graduation. the only time he wants to use the potty is at night, after he has been put down for bed. Miraculously, it is then that he can read the cues to need to go to potty and then want to use the toilet. Almost every night. But, the rest of the time, forget it. ANd I know he is using it as a tool to get out of going to bed (delay bedtime) but at the same time, hard to tell him no when the rest of the time, i am begging him to use the potty. Ugh. 5 yrs of diapers..i am ready to be done with them.

Well, while I was in here typing this, Sebastian snuck out to uncover the tractor, so i need to go take care of that issue. It's always something. I can't wait to have my own place, so i can relax. Here, i am on constant go.