FInally

Well, my computer finally crashed. I now am using my mother-in-law's old tower, so I can get online. I miss all the things I had on my computer, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Let's see, so much has gone on since I last posted. The first thing....RALPH WON THE PRIMARY ELECTION. This means he will be on the ballot, facing off with the incumbant state rep for our district. This leg of the journey is going to be a lot more hectic. We have to really get out there, get people's votes. A few key things will help. One, people are ready for change. Two, our current state rep isn't out there...people don't know much if anything about him. Three, Ralph's platform appeals to both sides of the political fence. Four, he is an every day joe, wanting to make changes. So, here's to a successful General election!

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 28. The day went quite well. Mom took me out to lunch then we went shopping and I got a couple shirts. We came home, my mother in law dropped the kids off and they had made me cards. Then my sister and Ralph came over, made dinner and we visited. The night before my bday, my brother made me pizza and had cake and ice cream for me. So, it was a nice day. Today is making up for it though. Sebastian has been a whine butt since he woke up this morning. I am at my wit's end with the boy. It doesn't help that my nerves are fried lately. The weight of not having a car is pulling me down quick fast and in a hurry. I feel so trapped, it sometimes takes my breath right away. I feel like a kid who has to ask permission for anything I want to do. I can't just run to the store to get something we need. I have to wait for dad to get home, ask to use the car, usually explain myself, mom comes up with a different option and I am just beside myself. I have cried myself to sleep a few different nights. I know this is all temporary but right now, it feels like pure hell. My patience have dwindled and we need our own place now. Jeremy is still hell bent on the tennessee idea. I don't see how it's feasible right now. We can't stand on our own two feet right now and that has to come before a big move like that. Not to mention, we can get out of here a hell of a lot faster if we stay in MI. Moving to tn will require more money and resources and therefore take a lot longer.

I could write an entire blog on the frustrations as of late. I probably need to. Because bottling them up is leaving me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. It's also making me physically ill. My body aches from head to toe, it hurts to get out of bed in the morning and I know that it all boils down to the stress I am under. It's coming out in physical form. So, for the sake of my sanity, I think I will vent for a bit. Please feel free to skip this section, if you wish. It may very well seem whiney, boring and even a tad angry. But, 'tis my blog and therapy it is.

Frustration one: My dad is on a holy roller kick. Great for him. I am glad that he has reconnected with the Lord and is very involved in church. We were raised in church, going every Sunday twice a day and every wednesday. Then, as we got older, everyone back-slid. There were periods in which us kids would go to church on the church bus, but dad hasn't gone in quite in some time. In all the meantime, I have been saved. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I believe that He died on the cross to pay for my sins. I believe that He rose again and I believe that He will come back for us. I have conversations with Him, I have faith. I realize that all the beauty around me is because of Him. When I see a rainbow, I am reminded of His promise. When I see flowers bloom, I am reminded of His Glory. When I suffer, I know He is with me. I am not a perfect person and I am not free from sin. I probably don't walk as straight and narrow as I could. But, I know, in my heart, that should I die right now, I will be welcomed into heaven to spend the rest of eternity with my Maker. So, why does Dad's "preachin" get to me? Because he is getting worse and worse about finding every little crack and cranny to shove religion down everyone's throat. I don't like that method. I feel that religion is a personal thing and it's btwn each individual and God. I also feel that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that doesn't make either of us wrong. Last night, my sister was getting frustrated, she had had a bad day and we were trying to play cards and just everything was chaotic. Dad's answer: It's satan trying to pull you back because you were on your prayer bones (she and Ralph had gone to Church Sunday). Ok, so it probably was the devil trying to interfere. But she is frustrated almost to tears and he goes on and on about God this and Satan that and you should do this and you shouldn't do that to the point she was ready to explode. How does that help anyone? She ended up muttering, "you are frustrating me...". I am happy for him that he has found God again. But, for me, God has always been there. Just because I'm not seating in a pew at the church doesn't mean that I have forgotten God. I don't want religion crammed down my throat though. I honestly feel that the people who do that are the ones who turn people away from religion. They do more harm than good. I think that by living the Word and doing what's right, it points people in the right direction. They can see the Glory of God working in you and that will encourage them. Pushing them only results in resistance coming back at you. I have issues with the organized religion. It seems (and I have often felt) that churches promote or create a sense of holier than thou attitude. You go to church, you are preached at about the wrong-doings of others, the fire and brimstone, judge judge judge. NO. I disagree with that. If Suzie wants to believe otherwise, that is her right, perogative. People who don't believe in God don't have to be evil. They can be civil, upright citizens. They just choose not to believe the same way I do and I am ok with that. Ok, end rant one.

The other stressor: MY mom. God love her. She tries. But she is the most negative person I have ever met in my entire life. She lives her life in absolutes so unwilling to see between the lines or in shades of gray. I don't think she even realizes this but she is constantly calling for a pity party..."everything I do turns out wrong..im just gonna quit ____..." For the love of God, please pick yourself up by the bootstraps woman and realize that when one thing goes wrong, it's not the world against you. It's just a bump in the road of life and life will go on. Trust me. I am living it. I have lots of bumps. But, I know that the bumps I have are my own fault, my own choices and nobody else to blame. Even now as I am stressed to the max, I still know there are better times ahead, things will improve and that my lack of patience is one of my biggest enemies. Over the weekend, she had me frustrated to the point of tears. I can't even begin to explain it. We had a volunteer appreciation party for the people who have helped this far with Ralph's campaign. I went to move a roaster over to the buffet table and had to stop short because Sebastian was in my way. The sudden stop caused the lid to come up a bit and i was burned quite badly on my hand from water/steam. I set it down and one lady gave me her bottle of cold water to put on it. My sister and I go outside to splash the water on it (the place we were at didn't have a sink) and i start crying. She asked if i was crying bc of the burn or bc of frustration with mom. I told her it was the frustration. I can't take much more of it. Her insecurities, constantly needing validation, feeling sorry for herself, negativity, absoluteness. It's just too much. It brings me down. And since Aunt Helen has passed and mom is no longer working, i deal with it 24/7. And have no car to get the hell out of here for a moment's reprieve. I love her, she has a lot of great qualities. She is a great person, just have to get past the grit. Just being able to escape here and write on this blog is helping tremendously. I can feel the weight lifting.

Gripe three: have i mentioned yet that i am trapped???? I am. It sucks. and we live out in the sticks so walking to anywhere, other than the next road that leads to nowhere, is out of the question.

ANd on to better things....

I got registered for class...in fact, it was the very last thing I was able to do on my computer before it crashed...was look up the classes and devise a schedule that would work for me. THen I went to the campus the next day (after my dad got home from work) and made it all official. I go monday thru thursday....once a day, except on Wednesdays, when I have two classes. I can't wait for classes to start. I need the break. And speaking of school starting, Makenneh starts kindergarten on the 25th. Sebastian is supposed to start headstart after Labor day, but he wants nothing to do with potty training yet, so it looks like he may be stuck home another year with mom. I have been working hard with him the past week or so and he just won't do it. We have even taken away the privelage of video games until he potty trains (we did this quite awhile ago). he still won't do it. I am out of ambition. I figure he will be in diapers until high school graduation. the only time he wants to use the potty is at night, after he has been put down for bed. Miraculously, it is then that he can read the cues to need to go to potty and then want to use the toilet. Almost every night. But, the rest of the time, forget it. ANd I know he is using it as a tool to get out of going to bed (delay bedtime) but at the same time, hard to tell him no when the rest of the time, i am begging him to use the potty. Ugh. 5 yrs of diapers..i am ready to be done with them.

Well, while I was in here typing this, Sebastian snuck out to uncover the tractor, so i need to go take care of that issue. It's always something. I can't wait to have my own place, so i can relax. Here, i am on constant go.