Julie's looking for spring

well, an so am I! But, today, I found it. Either that, or a sign of global warming. Depends on your outlook on life. Kinda like, is the glass half full or half empty? Is it sign of spring or sign of the damage we do to our planet? I stopped at my parents' today to do some homework in peace and quiet. Well, when my sister was leaving, dad and I walked out with her. I glanced down to the side of the path and there was a caterpillar, inching his way across the snow. Now, wouldn't you know it none of us had a camera handy so you don't have to believe me. But, you can bet that I scooped that little creature up and put him in a jar for Makenneh, who has been itchin to play with bugs again. It was the strangest sight to see the furry caterpillar making his way across the glistening white snow, in the chilly air of late February. I said, "Oh, look! It's a caterpillar! Spring is on the way." And dad, being the pessimist that he is, proclaimed, "Nah, that's just a sign of global warming." Eh, someone always has to rain on my parade. LOL. I said, "but do you really buy into the global warming thing?" (because i didn't think it was something he would agree with...really). He said, "well, how else do you explain a caterpillar in the snow?" Hmph. Leave it to dad to use logic and all. I still see it as a sign of spring. That's what I want to see. So, Julie, take it as you will. A sign of spring, if you wish.

Yesterday (friday for me, depending on your time zone and sleeping pattern and all) was a bad day. I have no school or anything on Fridays, so i was looking forward to getting some serious homework done. The only problem was, I have two children, almost 5 and almost 3 and every bit naughty. They had other ideas on how I should spend my day. Most of their ideas had to do with keeping them out of mischief, cleaning up messes they made and things of that nature. We did squeeze in some rounds of tickle monster and jump on mommy while we are on the couch and hide from daddy under the covers (in hopes that they would fall fast asleep). But, mostly it was a very stressful day for me. So stressful that finally, near 3pm I decided we needed to get out of here. I planned to go to my parents, in honest hope that they would keep the kids for a couple hours so i could work on homework. Except that Makenneh melted that she didn't want to leave and she wasn't going anywhere and she held fast to the rack over the toilet, determined not to go anywhere. I, determined we were going somewhere, hell, anywhere, went in search of socks for both the kids. Well, my laundry has been neglected. I do put a couple loads or so in every day, however, i never find the time to fold it, so it piles up in baskets (Helen, I know you are cringing at my laundry madness). So, i started to dig through the baskets in my hallway (bc my washer/dryer are off the hallway...typical mobile home set up). As I searched, I sorta snapped or broke or something...i sank into one of the baskets, odd socks still in hand and sobbed. I remained there, coiled much like a beaten child, crying, for about 30 mins. Then, I got up, thinking I just wanted to leave it all. For that moment in time, I could understand women who walk away from it all. I almost felt that I could pack a suitcase and just disappear. But, the maternal side of me always kicks in. I came to the couch, still in tears and I sat there. This is where I am opening myself up for judgment, but honesty is best. As I had gotten up from my coiled position in the hall, I said out loud that I was just gonna leave. I can't take anymore. BAD MOMMY. Makenneh crawled up next to me on the couch and threw her arms around me and said, "You can't leave mommy. I love you." and that's when I realized a few things. One is that she is right. I can't leave. I really don't even want to leave. I love these little people more than life itself and I love my husband and really, I am right where I need to be. The other thing I realized is that I was so wrong for even saying that out loud because now this poor child fears that her mother, the person who is supposed to protect her and love her, will leave. So, using this as opportunity for discussion, I admitted my wrongdoing and apologized and asked for her forgiveness. I assured her I wasn't leaving and that I love her. We snuggled together on the couch for most of the time left before Jeremy got home from work. We talked about it again, because she told daddy that mommy got mad and said she was leaving (to which Jeremy was quite upset that I did..understandably so). So, we talked again about how mom was upset and said something I didn't mean. I still feel like a complete ass for the whole thing. it is ok to be upset. it is ok to be mad. It is not ok to make my children doubt the stability in their lives. HUGE NO-NO. It was also made clear to me that I really do need to see about getting back on my meds. I can't get like that again. AS long as I am in school (and I plan to stay in school, believe me), I will have stressful times where homework and housework and childrearing and such are all required of me at one time. It is going to be a part of life. I have to be able to overcome it and get on with things. That is the hardest thing for me. I can handle a few "pile ups" of stress, but I have a low tolerance...lower than normal anyway. That's why both times I have tried working I have quit. I couldn't handle the added stress and could take no more. It is awful to feel this way. I would give almost anything to be "normal". there have been times I have hated those pills I have to take daily to keep me on an even keel. I would envy those who can just naturally do what I needed a pill to do. I have come to accept that this is who I am. Of course, without insurance, I have gone almost 2 years without my meds. Overall, I think I have done pretty well. But, incidents like yesterday remind me that I do need the meds to regulate me. Anyway, enough of that. I have put it behind me and I felt much better today.

Today was spent out of the house, by myself, doing homework. Jeremy told me last night that I could go to the library or wherever to do homework. Fantastic. Not that I needed his permission, by any means, but fantastic that he recognized my need for solitude, peace and quiet so that i could do my homework. So, today, around noon, I set out to go to the local college campus. There, I would have unlimited use of the computers and the printer (without having to pay for what I print) and of course, peace and quiet. but, when I got there, i saw that they were closed. I could have gone to the main campus but I didn't feel like fighting the parking mess and driving out there, period. so, I called my sister thinking I could go to her house, use her computer and all would be well. Except that she was at my parents and she said I was more than welcome to use her pc but reminded me that she doesn't have Word on hers. Ah, that's right. She said she was at mom and dad's...so i decided I would go there and do my homework. Mom has word and while she doesn't have internet, I could get by without that. I could just use what I had in my notes and my text. I tried to use my flash/thumb/whatever you choose to call it drive on her pc, but the dino doesn't take them. So, I worked on the paper a bit, the old fashioned way..pen and paper. But, I was getting hungry (hadn't eaten all day) and plus, well, sister was there and that's a distraction, bc i wanted to visit. So, I hung out with her for a bit and then I discussed my assignment with dad. He is pretty intelligent and even philosophical in some ways, lol. After that discussion, I had a bit more insight to my paper. He also mentioned, after seeing how stressed I was, that perhaps I was over complicating it. What? Me? Over complicate something? Never! Hahah. I agreed. WE talked about how mom had made a list, but left it behind, of things to get from the store. So, i figured I would meet her at work, wait for her to get out and we would go to the store. I arrived at 230ish. She thought she would be out at 3, so I took a seat at a booth and got out my homework and started writing. I accomplished so much while waiting for her (she ended up not getting out til about 430). I got most of my paper written. Then, we went to walmart and got the things we needed and by then, I was feeling dizzy, light-headed and faint from not eating (except for the lean pocket i had at her house hours before). By the time we were in checkout, I was shaking like no other. YOu could visibly see it. We drove back to her work so she could load her things in the truck and we each headed home. I had picked up a take and bake pizza from their deli bc I didn't feel one bit like cooking and not to mention, I needed food now, now 30 or 40 mins from now. So the rest is mundane. Came home, made the pizza, we ate, watched a movie, put kids to bed and he fell asleep on couch, too. So, I have been sitting here in pure silence for a couple hours. A couple hours in which I was able to type up my paper (maybe not the best it could be, but the best without my having a break down) and i started on taking notes for my Psych test that is thurs. Overall, I feel quite accomplished. And in case you recall our plans for Friday night....we canceled them. there was no way i felt like going out after the day I had and not to mention, I had to get the homework done. We rescheduled for next weekend and we will see how it plays out.

Tomorrow (which is Sunday) we are having a family dinner at my parents' house. We had a whole turkey in the freezer that needed to be cooked, so that's what we are having. Mom is doing mashed potatoes/gravy and I talked her into just doing Stovetop (bc this was the point that I was feeling dizzy and such at walmart) and then corn. And who knows what sis or brother will bring. Well, mom said that Matt was going to be over later because he had wrestling with his gf's little brother (my brother takes him and basically coaches, as well). Hopefully my antisocial, homebody of a husband doesn't try to weasel his way out of going. i will be very upset if he does. I can't understand why anyone would want to spend all their time at home. Ugh! LOL. Opposites really must attract.

Still not rid of all the viruses. Norton did take care of a couple, but I uninstalled it the other day because I was sick of all the prompts and such. I have since attempted to dl some of the programs Noname suggested but nothing is dl right. I will sit down and work on in one of these days when I am not so pressed for time. (like never, maybe).

Well, that's it for now! Hope everyone has had a great weekend and hey, maybe spring is close!