The dumps

Is where I refuse to go. I am fighting hard not to succumb to the pull. I have wanted to blog about this since well, Monday. But, truth be told, I was out of energy..emotionally and physically. It always seems that as things cruise along well in my life, well, right there, smack dab in the middle of what seems like nowhere, a huge speed bump comes along and throws everything off course, helter skelter. I anticipated such a thing, because, everything was finally beginning to look up for us. A glimpse of hope for brighter days. Then, Monday afternoon came and it has been a battle since then. We went to pick up the (not actually) free car on Monday that we were so blessed to receive. I say not actually free bc well, there is tax, title transfer and registration fees. not to mention the couple little things it needed to done to it. But, still in all, it was actually given to us for free. Anyway, my dad went with us to drive the other car home. Makenneh was at school and Seb went with us. That left my mom at home. Let me rewind a bit to earlier that morning...a lot of bitching about the cats. To the point Jeremy and I had decided that despite the fact that some hearst would break, we had to get rid of 2 of the cats. We just can't bear to listen to my dad (and mom) bitch about them anymore. So we decided we would take two of them to the Humane society so they could be adopted out. I can live with that choice. I wouldn't have liked it, but I could have lived with it. Well, by the time we get done doing the running for the car, I had to rush to my internship. So, I drop Seb back off at home, give hugs and kisses, back out the door I go. I get home later that afternoon and something didn't seem right. The house seemed emptier. MY DAMN CATS! every last one of them. She got rid of all 3 of them without saying so much as a word to me about it. I am angry and hurt beyond words. Now, I am able to realize that the cats were a burden (don't let me mention the damn dogs though, will ya). I realize I needed to part with 2 of them. But in fairness, they knew we had a cat when they agreed to let us stay here, because believe me when I tell you that staying here was not my first (several) option. So, anyway, I am upset because I feel my decision as an adult was usurped. I feel angry because i was not consulted in any way and was basically deceived. I am angry because she did it so underhandedly as if to say I am too stupid to notice my cats are missing. i am hurt because she thought of absolutely nobody else in this situation. The havoc it would reak with the kids, the tears I would shed, nothing. It angers me because it took me back to that place as a child. A helpless child, with no power whatsoever. This isn't the first time she has gotten rid of a pet on the sly. She did it to us numerous times when we were kids. I went back to that place. I felt a certain level of hatred while I was in that place. I am angry and upset because I KNOW full well she just dumped them cats somewhere like trash to be littered out a car window, with no regard to their safety or well-being. I can't think anymore about this one because it makes me want to vomit, seriously. I am angry because she has said not one word to me about it. Because you know, im too damn stupid to notice. Then, i am angry because my brother dumped his dogs off here about 2 yrs ago. He does not stay here, he does not feed them, bath them, walk them, pet them, nothing. The one dog is out back and therefore, some sucker has to go out and feed and water him daily, rain, sleet, or snow. I have done my fair share of being the sucker out to feed and water. I dislike outside animals (and dogs really) because I don't like traipsing outdoors in inclimate weather to care for them. That's why I would NEVER own a horse. Anyway, they bitch about the dog hair in the house, having to take care of dogs, etc. Yet, after 2 yrs, the dogs are BOTH still here. Jager broke his chain the other day and they had to bring him in until it was fixed...he broke the nice, tall, floor lamp in the living room. NO big deal, it's Matt's dog. So, while I know deep down that this probably isn't the issue, I feel a level of favortism. I fed my cats, scooped/cleaned the litter box, etc. I am here. I live here. It's not as if i abandoned my duties or anything. Yet, my cats have to go and his dogs are still here. I feel as though if those cats were to be matt's, they would still be here. It's an unsettling feeling. I am not going to lie, I miss my cats. i am heartbroken. I cried myself to sleep the first night, cried in my sleep, as I dreamed about the whole nightmare, and have cried at least once a day each day since. Just once in my life, I would like an animal for life. Til one of us dies. Just once.

the other issue is the kids. We stayed at my uncle's last night bc Makenneh had no school today. And I honestly couldn't stand to be in the same house as my mom. So, she had no opportunity to miss the cats yesterday really. HOwever, tonight, as she was going to bed, seh asked daddy where the cats were. They are usually right thtere in the bedroom when we lay down for bed. He told her he didn't know and left it at that for the time being because otherwise she would have melted down and never got to sleep. My hope is that she forgets about it until after school tomorrow. She has no school on friday and that will give her the weekend to absorb it. She isn't going to be happy, I know that. She is going to bring up that other cat we had that the neighbor lady did something to. She still misses that cat. SIGH.

I just really wish my mom could stop feeling the need to make decisions for others. She has a bad habit of doing so. To a fault, for sure. She assumes she knows best for everyone and her rules are the only rules to play by. They call it distorted thought processes. I learned about it recently in stress management. It's called the SHOULDS distorted thought process. YOu think everyone should do this and should do that, all according to your rule book.

Anyway, im off on another tangent. The timing on this cat thing was horrible as well. A double whammy. My sister's baby shower is this saturday. I feel guilty for not being as active as I should have been with her bridal shower/wedding. I was self absorbed, in my dark place. I feel I let her down. I have felt bad about it ever since. So, when I found out she was pg, I was determined to go all out and make a big deal and head the planning, buying, doing. I was going to make up for the previous failure. I have done well. I am excited about her gift, which I will not discuss here until after the shower. Most everything is set to go and i did most of it myself. I have been sooo excited about this shower because I know she will love my gift, I had extra money to do something I normally wouldn't have been able to, and I am excited to be getting a new niece. I am excited for my sister having her first bio child. And mom throws a damper on my entire mood, my soul. I just feel miserable and blah. I just want to run through the motions, waiting until I can escape this hell. I feel trapped and helpless. Vulnerable. Angry. So many things going on. But, I have decided not to let her actions ruin this. I have set it aside, I will mope in private. I will hold it together until after the shower and see how I feel then. I do want to confront her. I want to know what she was thinking and let her know just how it made me feel. It made me feel quite horrible.

Well, it is sooo late and I have a midterm exam tomorrow that is going to kick my ass. I have spent a lot of time studying for it and still don't feel confident about it. But, I had to have some unwind time and this is where I spent it. Sorry this whole post is essentially a vent, but know that I had to get it out. ANd please pray for us that things turn around and we can get our own place. I NEED out of here before I lose my sanity or just lay down and die out of sheer misery.