Back to the grindstone

I go for my walmart orientation Thursday. It is an all day ordeal, 9-5. My friend has already gone through it..she said its watching a bunch of videos and filling out your filing status paperwork as a group (great!..i could fill the stuff out in 1o mins by myself...she said they spent about 3 hours on it). At least we are getting paid for this. And, as an added bonus, we have to learn some cheers. yes, you read that right..cheers! and a pledge! It sounds to me like walmart is trying too hard. It is so damn corny! But, what do ya do. I did CHEERleading as a kid for the youth football, I cheer for my favorite football teams, i cheer for my favorite race car driver (on the local track, forget nascar), I cheer for my kids to do a great job at the task they are working on, i cheer to the new year, to accomplishments, promotions, etc. I never planned to cheer for a damn job! And, to top the cheer/plege cake, we get to say these cheers/pledges every freakin day during set up! Yippee!!!!

All the cheering aside, I am aprehensive about this job for some reason. I really think I have mental issues that I need to deal with. I am physically ill at the thought of committing to this job. I was secretly hoping they wouldn't call me. I know it's bad and I haven't even said this to Jeremy, bc Im not sure how he would take it, as someone without depression/mental issues, it's hard for him to comprehend where I am coming from.

As a teenager, my dream job was to teach elementary school. I knew what I wanted to do. Of course, I also "knew" i wanted to get married, have kids, the house on the hill with the white picket fence. Then, when the time came to follow those dreams, i didn't know what I wanted to do. It's like i haven't found my niche in this world and Im not so sure I ever will. I always thought I would love to be a stay at home mom while the kids were little, then go to work. I suck as a housewife! I hate to clean, hate to cook and have no patience. I don't get on the floor for lengths of time to play with the kids. Bottom line is (gasp) I don't like playing house! It's just not as fun as it was when i was 6 and the "babies" were motionless, soul-less, dolls! They didn't whine and cry and demand so much of me. And best of all, i could toss them aside when i was done. Oh, and housecleaning....mom's house was already clean..didn't have to worry about it. And with imagination and a play kitchen, i could cook up anything my heart desired with no mess to clean and without having to go grocery shopping on a limited budget! Go figure!

So, i tried the Independant sales thing...doing Home & Garden Party! IT was fun for awhile, but i guess im just not driven enough to get far. I finally decided to stop renewing my designer fee last year. That also taught me that Im probably not driven enough to pursue my dream of owning my own party supply type shop. I "think" i would like to own a shop that supplies paper party supplies, wedding supplies, baby shower supplies, etc, as well as some party planning services, decorating services, etc. But, do i really have the drive to make it work?

I hate working for ppl in general. I hate having someone else dictate my life...when i have to be there, who cares if Sally has recital or your loved one is dying in the hospital...we need you. Bleh, not for me. I hate working weekends and holidays. Those are times i spend with my family. Life is too short.

I think a laid back work atmosphere with "real" people as bosses would be fine. A monday through friday, closed on holidays type job where coworkers are friendly and the people you deal with are pleasant. (i feel like im doing an ad for walgreens....know the ones im talking about...lol).

I thought about opening a daycare...but i can't do that until we get a house. It really would be ideal for me. I could set my own hours (to a degree, you have to be available when parents actually need daycare), i would be my boss (aside from the parents), it would touch on my desire to teach. (Why don't i go for a teaching degree? Bc there is no way in hell i could handle a classroom of 20 + kids who are mouthy and bratty and don't have to listen to anybody..and because, quite frankly, i hate school).

I really hope this counseling gets me somewhere. Like my family doc said....i know all the right answers, i know what i need to do, it's just doing it. I have brains, lots of brains, I just have something else (which i don't know what) holding me back. I need to crack my brain open, my soul open and find the problem. Which, brings me to another idea i had. I think i would do great at counseling. In fact, yes, i know i would. Why don't i go for at least my associates in clinical social work? Dunno! But i think that's something im going to look into. They say the best counselors are those who are in need of one or whatever. And counselors are often good at "fixing" everyone's problems but their own. ME!. I can do that! Which goes back to me knowing the right answers, what i need to do, just not being able to do them!

I know, i know...basket case! Go ahead, say it! LOL.

I've almost always been an underachiever. Family would probably disagree, but it's true. "Good enough" has always been just that...good enough for me! I guarantee that I could have graduated with higher than a 3.4 or whatever i had...but i didn't try. I never tried my hardest at anything. I wrote finals on a whim, never studied, etc. Research? Are you kidding me? Heavens no! Get a few books, skim them over and write the damn paper already! I always got good grades though! Maybe that's some of my problem....education came very easy to me k-12. I never had to put forth much effort. good enough has always been acceptable, gotten me good grades....why do more?! I know its a shitty outlook to have and i never really realized i had it til i was probably a senior. By then, hell, it had gotten me that far, why not finish the way i started.

As i sit here typing this, Ive decided to list some quirky, odd, or just plain true thoughts about myself:
*I hate obstacles. If something gets in my way, i get frustrated and often just give up. I hate hassles. If i have to be dragged through the mud, forget it. The problem is, everything i try to do ends up a hassle one way or another.
*I procrastinate. This goes back to the hassle issue. If something is going to be the slight bit of a hassle, i will put it off til "tomorrow". You know, the day that never comes. I push everything til the last minute. Sometimes i just wanna scream... LEAVE ME ALONE! Right now, for example, i am supposed to be working on my sister's fafsa application. I started it...the basics, her name, address, dob. That's about it. Why? Bc i need my parents tax crap from last year and they are outta town and ah forget it, next thing that is easier to do, please. I also feel like Im the stay at home mom with internet access so i get all kinds of "good" shit dumped on me. That's why im doing sis's fafsa. She doesn't have internet, works full time and has 4 horses (3 are hers) to take care of, a house, a fiance and a step-son. She often doesn't have time to breath. My uncle wants his business posted on one of the free listing sites i go to. Seems how its a site i know about, i am the only person to do it. Right? I don't mean to sound like i don't want to help ppl out, but sometimes, i just wish they would do the things like post an ad for themselves. It's not hard. They can figure it out the same way i did...by playing around. Any computer with internet is capable of doing a search. really. IM not making that up. So and so wants business cards, can you do them? So and so can't figure out why yahoo isn't working, can you? Pulleeaseee! I own a computer, i have internet, i use my internet...i am on puter every day...i am not a techie though. I know very little about anything important on here. What i do know has been learned by trial and error (and boy some errors are quite the biggies).
*I can't say no. I feel that if i do, im letting someone down. I do everything in my power to please EVERYONE! but me, of course. Bc me, im just me and well, not all that important afterall. As long as everyone else is happy, well....im still not happy. But, hey, everyone else is, so its ok. I had a counselor tell me once to look myself in the mirror and practice saying NO. IS she fucking nuts? I can say no to myself all day long...i do! It's saying it to another human being, with feelings and needs and desires and wants and and and what if their world collapses bc i said no?
*I hate confrontation. This kinda ties in with not saying no. I don't want to deal with anything that may lead to a confrontation. I avoid it at almost all cost. This hasn't been such a big issue, until i became a mother. My kids need me to face confrontation on their behalf. It makes me ill. Back to ppl pleasing, i guess.
*IM TIRED. Really, i think it's time to end my rant and head to bed. While im sure i could go on and on, im also sure you don't want to read about it for hours on end. LOL.

Gee, have i been taking my meds? HAHAHAHAH, yes, in fact, i have, every single day! Yet, i still seem to feel twisted up inside. Right now, i want to go outside and shout things like :
WHAT ABOUT ME?
JUST GO AWAY!
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
ME,ME, ME!
And while I'm at it, ask the good Lord for the winning lottery numbers. That would sure make life easier! LOL!

Good night all!