What gives

I don't want to go into details, but Jeremy lost his job today. It was his own fault and stupidity and I don't know what to think or feel. I feel a bunch of mixed emotions and at the same time, I feel somewhat numb and indifferent. He has apologized and he realizes that he messed up. Of course, that doesn't change much of anything, other than it did lead to a discussion that has been needing to take place. I will need all of the prayers I can get if i am to get through this. Part of me says to just leave and throw in the towel. But, the truth is, I think my marriage is worth more than that and I did vow to love him for better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer and well, I feel that this is one of those times in which we have to work together to overcome the obstacle placed before us. We are allowed mistakes and as a spouse, we should be there to pick the other up when he or she falls. I do love him more than life and am willing to stick it out, only because he has promised to make some changes.

The hardest part for me is the fact that just yesterday I was thinking about how good things have been going, how there is light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I realize that light was just a freight train. It's mowed me over and now I can either get up, brush myself off and try again or stay laying down and do nothing. I did realize today that maybe I am stronger, mentally, than I thought. That maybe, despite this untreated depression, I have strength to see things through.

Sadly, my biggest fear about the whole thing is telling my mom. Why? I don't know. Other than I can hear her now...."you are gonna live my life...." I hate when she says that. Partly because, if she would step out of her small box and look back in at her life from an objective viewpoint, she may realize it wasn't quite *that* bad. Secondly, because there is a huge difference in mindset btwn her and I. I don't dwell on stuff, I don't hold onto it forever until it consumes me and I am optimistic where she is pessimistic. Where she tries to go it alone, I realize the need to surrender. I realize that only God can see me through my darkest hours. I can't do it alone. Third, it frustrates me when she says that because I take full accountability for my situation. I realize that I am where I am because of choices *I* have made. Choices nobody else has ever made me make. I realize that I am responsible for me and my life. When you do this, then you have the power to make changes needed to rise above it all.

See, I love this blog. I love being able to sort it all out. I came here feeling so down and full of despair. I will walk away feeling hopeful and content. Just by writing all these thoughts down, I have realized that it will be ok, that I will tell mom simply that he lost his job and I don't wish to talk about it right now and move on. He is going in Monday to talk to his aunt who works in the MichWorks office....She might be able to help him line up a new job. And who knows, maybe this happened for a reason (everything does). That job was a dead end job. He had been there over 2 years without ever receiving a pay raise, even though they boss has always told him that his production is one of the highest in the building. So, maybe this will open a new door for a better opportunity.

We were supposed to do our moving this weekend, but my sister has several things to do tomorrow, so I won't have her truck. Unless we can figure something else out, I don't know how much we will get accomplished. We may have to cram what we can in our car (thankfully it's not a compact car) and make several trips, saving only the large stuff for Sunday.

Well, I'm done for now. I don't know how much I will be posting for awhile because once the computer is tore down and moved, I don't know when I will get on again. We were going to add internet at my mom's, bc we won't have a phone bill, but now, it will be limited to the free dial up from college and so I won't be on as much, because I can't tie their phone line up. WE will see.