All good things must end...

Even feel good days. Today was a day from Hell! I had the day off, didn't accomplish shit, somehow the day got completely away from me. I feel like I went through a time warp or something. Jeremy got home to the house in much the same shape as it was when he left this morning. He voiced his disappointment about this. I was already feeling shitty for not getting anything done. I took his disappointment very personal and waged a war for the rest of the evening. i was very snippy, smart assed and just all out bitchy. I was very passive aggressive, making snide remarks every chance i got. And of course, he retaliated in much the same way. We were just both irritable, i guess. Well, i got over myself for awhile. Long enough for sex, anyway. Go figure! But then, i was back to bitch in no time at all. It escalated to the point that he packed his shit and called a friend to come get him. I refrained from throwing myself at his feet and begging him to stay, which is my norm. This time, i remained calmed. I told him if he wanted to go, go. I wasn't gonna stand in his way. I just came out to living room and went about my own things. But as he got closer to be completely packed, and closer to time for someone to show up to pick him, anxiety, sadness and really, desperation sat in. Yet, I refrained from begging and pleading. He went outside, i followed him out. He lit a cigarette and stood there. I took this time to calmly talk to him. I told him that I never told him he had to leave, that I wouldn't beg him to stay, but I didn't want him to leave. That's when he told me that he didn't want to leave either. He was sick of me nagging and bitching and ......to sum it up, we stood outside and had a very calm, effective conversation. The first we have had in a long time, actually, which is the real problem. Life gets in the way and our marriage suffers most. We forget to stop and take time to be friends, to be lovers, to talk, share, be a couple. So, the whole time we talked about things, i never once asked him to stay or even if he was gonna stay. I didn't bring it up. Well, Makenneh called me inside, so i came in for a min, and when i came back out, he was on the phone telling his friend to nevermind that he was gonna stay and talk it out with me. That made me feel better to know that it was his own decision and not because i coerced him. We both apologized to each other for the things we said which really sparked the whole mess. We talked about the things we need to work on to stay happy and we spent the rest of the evening together as a family on the couch, watching Barney!!!!

So, all iin all, I feel like crap right now. Im exhausted mentally, yet can't sleep. I have to add that we were able to laugh and have a good conversation even once in the house with the kids. Unlike usual, we were all interacting with each other and it just felt so good.

Well, I am done taking the load off my shoulders for now. Thanks for listening (reading).