la la land and lots of whines

After having my hopes destroyed two days in a row of being able to have a sitter for kids, i decided to take one of the pills the doc had given me before for depression. I quit taking them (with his knowledge) bc they made me very very loopy and extremely tired. And without fail, i took the the pill around 7pm and was out by 845. I couldnt even stand up my legs were so wobbly. I was barely coherent. I think jeremy was mad...but tough luck. It was the only escape i could have. And I needed it. But the bad thing was, I began diggin our room out yesterday, putting clothes away, etc...bc our room literally only had a path to one side of the bed. Well, i wasnt able to finish it bc kids wouldnt hear of it, jeremy was grumpy, we got into an ugly argument, blah blah blah. So, the bed was still piled high when i went comatose. So, jeremy slept on couch, makenneh was out on the loveseat...and lucky me got the floor! I was so out of it, i literally plopped down on my living room floor, on top of toys, clothes, whatever was there. i slept there until jeremy got up for work, when i climbed up on the couch. I was woke up about 830 by the littlest monster. I was still drowsy, but had to face the day. I am still drowsy now if you cant tell my typing. My fingers are not working at all for me. Anyway, i have seb in his crib for what should be a nap...but he wont take one. I dont know what his problem is . Grrrr.

I was supposed to work at 2 but called off. I am in a frump. I cannot get out of it right now. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week. I cannot handle these kids, they are out of control behaviorally, i am to blame for it, my house wont stay clean..i just kinda give up. tying here, my apostrophe doesnt work and every time i try to hit it, it brings up this seach bar at the bottom here. im getting pissed. oh and ive watched barney back to back to back, nonstop all day. play, rewind, play, rewind play. ....

I dont want to work, i dont wanna be around ppl. nothing. I get like this from time to time which is where i have trouble keeping a job. i cannot help it;. i try. i really do. but i get overwhelmed, filled iwth anxiety and just throw in the towel. im near that point now. the logic part of my brain keeps insisting i need this job. the overwhelmed, depressed, stressed part of my brain keeps telling me that this job so isnt worth the hassles it creates. not having a car has just created more hassles. i am out of wipes, bread has mold growing on it, no milk, juice. no way to get more. i just wanna scream. kids are sick. Sometimes i question why God let me procreate. He should have known i wouldnt be good for the job. maybe he is testing me. its a shitty test, i tell ya. im failing miserably.

and why is my apostraphe doing that...its like i hit some button that changed its function..and i don't know how to fix it. oooh lookey there..it did it. it gave me an ' holy shit, it did it iagain.'''''''''''''' wow. maybe HE is realizing im at my wit's end and it's not funny anymore! Now if the sandman would swoop down and take my children to sleep, life would be ok for a minute. i could lay my oh so weary head down and go to dream land. where everything is fine. and if it's not, well, i can just wake up and try again.

Helen, i wish we lived closer, bc i so could learn so much from you. Maybe some of your patience and determination and all that good stuff would rub off on me. Maybe i could borrow some of your strength. I know i need some right now.

yep, im outta my pills. can anyone tell? this is why i need them. iwthout them i become a total mess. i hate it. i hate myself when i am like this....ok i just don't like myself. i can only imagine how my husband and kids feel when i am like this. but really, im partly mad at him righ tnow anyway, so i dont know that i care how he feels at the moment. that's another whole vent in itself. one im not sure i want to put on here for everyone to read. but one i would love to get off my chest. ah well, maybe i will write it on a document and just delete. and maybe it will go away, too.

ok, i am done dragging you all down itwh me to the yucky depths of depression. I shall go now to change a shitty diaper without wipes. yes, i know, back in the day, before wipes, what do i think they did. Well, im tellin ya know that no washcloth of mine is wiping shit from his bottom and then going back in the wash to eventually wash my face. crazy i know. it will go in the garbage if i have to resort to that. i should have some cottonelle wipes in my stash of stuff i get free by using coupons at kroger where they double even the dollar ones....hehehe.