4 forever

I'll start by saying that i am highly irritable right now and in an anxiety attack for some reason. So, excuse me if i tend to babble or make no sense (hey, what's new, right?).

Anyway, i was laying with Makenneh in her bed tonight and she was talking about her friend's bday party she went to a couple weekends ago. Then we started talking about her bday. She asked if hers would be at the same place and i said i didn't know. then I said, well, you will be 5, so we will probably do something special. She melted. She doesn't want to turn 5. She doesn't want to grow up. She wants to stay 4 forever. Everytime bdays or age is brought up, she says this. Sometimes, she gets right into a meltdown over it. I don't understand it. She said it isn't fun to grow up. I told her that momma had fun when i was 6,7 and 8, etc. She was in tears about it. I asked her why she didn't want to grow up but she just says it's not fun or htat she just doesn't want to. Then towards the end of the conversation, she said she wants to be with me forever. I assured her that no matter how grown up she is, I will always be there for her. I told her how even though I am a grown up, my mom is still there for me when i need her. *Sigh* I don't know. On one hand, it's good to know that I must be doing something right that she wants to be here with me forever instead of far far away. I should record these moments so that when she is a teenage and swears that I am ruining her life and she wants to move far away from me, i can play them back and remind her that she said she wanted to be with me forever. LOL.

The kids are feeling better. At least, they have their energy back...tearing through like crazy leaving messes in their wakes. It looks as though the weekend will be spent putting things back in order around here, taking the tree down, putting the living room back to normal, cleaning, all that un-fun stuff. Then, we really need to start packing away any thing we don't need on a regular basis. And at the same time, looking for a new place to live. The very thought of it puts my stomach in knots and makes me want to puke. But, i can't run nor hide from it, it has to be done. All i can do is say a prayer, make a wish and cross my fingers that it all works out.

WEll, i am off here for now. I was hoping that blogging would help with the anxiety attack, but it really hasn't. I just need to go lay down, which isn't an option, seems how jeremy crashed on the couch at about 730 so until the kids spend this pent up energy, i am up.

feeling better

after sleeping most of the day, i woke up this evening feeling much better. I can actually function. I just hope the kids bounce back fast. They are both so darn miserable. THey have sat here and done nothing all day but sleep and lay around. So not normal for either of them. Im hoping that with all the sleep today that they will wake up in am feeling better.

And now Seb has it too

He got it today. Both kids have been so docile all day...laying around, sleeping most of the time. Hopefully with all the rest, they will be feeling better tomorrow. The only thing worse than being sick yourself, is having a kid..and of course, 2 sick kids tops the chart!

I am finally feeling a bit better. Just tonight, after a full day of doing nothing but laying around and sleeping. I actually feel as though i will live. Hopefully i can get this place cleaned because it looks like a tornado went through!

Im hoping for sunshine tomorrow, so I can open curtains and feel alive. Something invigorating! I need to get so much done, from doing nothing for several days.

So, im off here now!

What's this?

It seems that Santa was spreading more than Christmas Cheer this year. So many people were sick for Christmas that it's crazy. I was miserable Christmas day and still not up to par, my uncle and his family were all sick, my aunt was sick, Julie's son was sick, my other aunt and uncle were sick and several other people I have heard were sick. Now, Makenneh is sick. The poor little girl has done little else besides sleep since yesterday morning. Sebastian has the cough, but it hasn't taken him down like it did me and Makenneh. OF course, that boy is a ball of energy, so im guessing it's going to take more than that to put him out of commission.

I did manage to get most of the Christmas mess put away yesterday. Of course, my cousin is here and was a great help. I just don't have enough energy to do much. The slightest bit of activity drains me. That's the worst part of this sickness - the fatigue. I guess I just have to be thankful that I got it while off of school. I don't know how i would have managed being this sick during school.

And speaking of school...my classes are set, my books are bought and now I just wait until Jan. 12 when classes start. I'm taking some interesting classes this semester. Philosophy of Ethics, Fundamentals of Human Sexuality, Gen. Psych and a Social Work class- community welfare programs. That last class I took bc i needed one more class to be full time and it was the only thing that fit in my schedule. It won't hurt to take it but isn't really something I need. From the looks of things, next semester I will be stuck at the main campus for most if not, all of my classes. I am hoping that they offer more classes at the local campus next semester so that I don't have to go to main campus so much. I hate the parking mess out there. And the fact that it's so sprawled out.

Well, I am going to get off here. Hope everyone is feeling good and avoiding the germs that Santa seems to have passed along!

Not on my Christmas Wish List

Being sick..that is. I was a ball of a misery for Christmas. Sinuses, Allergies, aching bones, freezing/sweating, watery eyes, runny nose, you name it. I was pretty much in a zombie state all Christmas day. Thankfully, my husband is a trooper. He had to handle everything. I didn't have the energy nor the strength to do anything. Hell, most the time, i didn't even feel like breathing. After dinner, I got up, went to mom and dad's bed and slept for a bit. I felt so bad but i just didn't have it in me to do anything. I did manage to squeeze in a couple games of Apples to Apples. But even that just exhausted me. When we got home, i came home, got on the loveseat and that's where I stayed. I cried to Jeremy bc i felt so horrible that he had to do everything. This place is trashed from Santa coming and he was picking everything up and cleaning and I just sat crying on the loveseat. He told me not to worry about it..but i was just so damn miserable and whiney..i. couldn't help but cry.

Ok, enough of that. I am feeling a wee bit better this morning. Not 100% by any means, but i feel as if i will survive. That's a step up from yesterday.

The kids had a wonderful Christmas. OF course, bad santa had left a whole bag of gifts behind (at gma's) and they were all Seb's. So, thankfully he was too young to really realize it. When we got to gma's..we had him open them. TOld him Santa had forgotten them in his sleigh and so he dropped them off at gma's.

To that family who was so generous: May you be forever blessed! This has been our best Christmas so far and we feel truly blessed!

WEll, my energy level is about tapped out. I need to lay down and get a bit of rest before the kids wake up.

Merry Christmas!

May everyone's Christmas be beautiful and full of many happy memories! We are still waiting for Sebastian to go to sleep. It's as if he knows something big and exciting is coming and he is fighting sleep.

I started getting sick today...with a nasty dry cough. The tickle in my throat. Yay! That wasn't on my Christmas list for sure! LOL.

Go Me

Yep, Im gonna brag some more. I haven't been able to check my grades online bc for some reason, my javascript isnt' working properly. So, tonight, while at my father in law's, I decided to check it. Guess what? I got four, yes FOUR 4.0's. That is 4 perfect grades. Go me! i let out a squeal when i saw those grades. And the best news is: It raised my overall GPA from a 1.35 (don't ask..that was from the "old" days when i slacked off) to a 3.019. Yes, I am ecstatic. The very best Christmas gift and I gave it all to myself. Ok, not without some help from hubby (who kept things going at home while I was at school and who pitched in to help things run smoother for me) and those who babysat during my day classes..my mom, sister and Uncle. So, it was a group effort...but initiated very much by me!

The next go me is I had a few gift items to pay forward for Christmas. So, I posted an offer on the freecycle board and I am going to help 2 families out with my meager offerings. But, these offers are going to help make their Christmases brighter and that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I just love helping people and someone stop me bc I would help people til I couldn't help no more and then some. It is just one of the best feelings in the world. Trust me! It's better than any high. it's better than chocolate. This has just been such a great Christmas. And Christmas isn't even here. We were blessed, I have been able to buy for family and such and I have been able to help a few other families out. Incredible.

Christmas at my father in laws went good. The kids had a great time. They were showered with gifts. Makenneh got a baby doll that when you squeeze her one hand, she makes baby sounds and her face moves (read; bunches up, wrinkles up, etc) much like a real baby. ANd the skin on this baby feels sooo real. She also got a diaper bag for her baby, diapers, set of books, little purse full of lip glosses and girly stuff. Seb got a remote control car that does stunts, a truck that makes all kinds of noise (grrrr papa) and legos. I got a perfume set and a 50.00 visa gift card. And the funny thing is, when he called to ask for ideas, I told him I wanted a mini van, being a smart ass. So, on the top of my gift was a matchbox mini van. It was sooo cute. I love it! I am going to sit that thing here where I can see it all the time, to remind myself of the great things to come by being in college! Jeremy got a real nice sweater and then a gift card. Tomorrow we are going to his mom's, much to my dismay. Blah. But, i can suck it up for a bit. jeremy told his brother that if she starts up, we are gone, quick fast and in a hurry. LOL. I don't plan on staying long at all. I still have wrapping to do and those last min things before Santa comes. I did cheat and buy cookies today for Santa. i just won't have time for making them. Thankfully, I made cookies with the kids earlier this month, so they did have the opportunity to decorate cookies.

WEll, I am gonna get off here. I have to find time for sleep. LOL.

And then the rains came

Yep. It is raining outside. Pouring to be exact. The warm temps from the past two days has melted most of the snow away and now the rain is sure to vanish the rest of it. Crazy! Of course, what we will end up with when all is said and done, is a bunch of ice everywhere, bc you know this rain is going to freeze. The bottom will drop out on the temps and bam! Ice! So, break out your ice skates. Too bad for those of us who don't own any...much less know how to skate anyway.

I am technically done with Christmas shopping. I say technically, bc the truth is, it isn't done until it's too late Christmas Eve to stop and get anything else.

Because I have been so blessed this Christmas, I want to try to get a few things for my two cousins bc my aunt and uncle don't have much money this year for Christmas. The kids are a bit older (12 and 16) so they understand the money issue, but I still believe that every child deserves some kind of Christmas. So, I have to assess our money situation and see what I can swing, if anything at all. I was just thinking a couple small things..nothing too much, bc well, Lord knows I can't afford it.

So, we had the Christmas party for Jeremy's dad's side of the family today. It went ok. Attitude wise, with his aunt, it went great. She was very tolerable today. What I didn't like is how they did the gift thing. Ok, I didn't mind the process, I hated what we ended up with. The deal was, we each drew a number. The number represented the order in which we chose a gift from the pile. You could "steal" the gift from anyone who went before you or you could pick one from the pile. So, I ended up with number 4. That meant, I could only steal from the first 3, one of which was Jeremy..who was number 3. I opted to choose a gift from the pile and opened it. It was very nice...a set from bath and body works...lotions, bath salts, spray, etc. However, the next female to go stole it from me (that thing ended passed along the line as everyone wanted it). So, when my gift was stolen, I had to choose one from the pile. That gift was a damn sandwich maker. I had one before that gave away bc i don't have room for that kinda thing and it never got used. And jeremy's gift was a heated ice scraper. Blah..my lighter thing in my car doesn't work, so it will be of no use to us. In previous years, we have drawn names, so ppl buy things geared toward the person. THis year, it had to be "generic" gifts that were gender neutral. (although, obviously a few ppl got gender related gifts..) Jeremy likes the sandwich maker thing..bc i was gonna give it to his brother, bc Michael thought it was cool (of course, he would, he is a bachelor, living in a house rented by like 4 guys). But, jeremy insists it will be cool. Which, ok, it can be...love to make pizza sandwiches on it. But the truth is, it will get tucked away in a cupboard and forgotten.

I am suffering from temporary insanity bc it is 230am and I have an itching to go to walmart and do some shopping (see, i told you it isn't over til it's too late to go). But, it is so peaceful to shop this late at night...most of the world (ok in side of the world) is sleeping and well, the stores are empty and quiet and free of those rude, rushed crazed ppl running mad through the aisles. Not to mention, without any kids in tow, well, i can walk around at my own leisure and just browse. Yeah, I think I shall take a dose of retail therapy. Where's my socks?

I had a helluva time with a gift for my brother in law. He is 22, bachelor, college student, computer geek, strange overall...and well, just have no idea. I called Jeremy while i was out shopping earlier and said, "this is it. What do you want to give your brother? I have no idea and well, we are out of time." He ended up saying a gift card. When I first suggested that, he had said no bc Michael doesn't have a car..he lives in the cultural area near the college and doesn't really have a need and it saves him money. So, the chances of him getting to walmart to use the gift card are narrowed. But, he decided to go ahead and do it. I did pick him up a pair of boxers with beer mugs all over it...just to have a little something to go with it. Then, as i was wrapping, i realized that we spent more on his dad's gf than we did on his dad and that is unsettling for me. So, i feel like we need to get him a little something more. But, did i mention, we are doing Christmas with him tomorrow (as in sunday) at 1pm? AS in, about 10.5 hr away. LOL. gah.

Anyway, I just saw that my sis sent me a message, so im going to see what she had to say. Take care, everyone enjoy your holidays and stay dry if you are around here where it's raining!

Temporary Insanity?

I think so. We went to my Uncle Ken's tonight for home made pizza. My sister and brother in law were there as well. Carrie brought her guitar and she played, we sang. Makenneh played the guitar and sang. It was a good time. We left just before midnight but weren't keeping track of time and had no sense of how late it was. WE left there and stopped at the movie store. I got this hair brain idea to run into walmart to get at least the gifts we need for the Christmas party tomorrow (which is now, today, as it's 3am). Well, we all went in. The kids were fantastic, despite being tired. We didn't get home til almost 2am. But, we did manage to get a few gifts out of the way. However, not the main one we need for tomorrow. Sigh. I will go back out tomorrow before the party to get the last gift. Then, somewhere in the mess of things, I have to find time to finish the rest of our shopping...parents and siblings. I did get my brother's gift tonight. A Buddy Holly Collector set CD. He should love it. I also am doing up movie baskets for each couple...a movie, popcorn, beef sticks, candy, etc.

So, I have to go back to the singing, guitar playing part. Last night, we Makenneh and I went to Carrie's for dinner and she played the guitar. Then, Makenneh had her turn. OH my gosh, she was so adorable and had us in stitches from laughter. She did the same tonight. This girl was born to be on stage and entertaining. I told everyone tonight that she is our retirement investment. LOL. She loves to sing "Smelly Cat" and it cracks us up. (Smelly CAt is the song Phoebe sang on the show Friends). She strums that guitar and sings, "Smelly tat, smelly tat, what did dem feed u, it not er fault." She is developing quite the fan base. LOL. Both nights, she will say, "Open the curtains." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Close the curtains." "Tant tu, gentlemen." Aunt Carrie told Papa he needs to make her a stage. I said, yes and it can stay right at papa's. "in fact," I reminded him, "you have the perfect spot right there in your living room, in front of the bay window" Hahahhahahahaha! Carrie is going to ask the guy she takes guitar lessons with if he does them for kids Makenneh's age. She knows he has a 6 yr old student, but not sure how young he teaches. She would love it. I will post some pictures of our self proclaimed rockstar, as soon as Carrie gets them developed (yes, she used the old fashion camera).

I am getting quite excited for Christmas. I am not looking forward to his Christmas party tomorrow bc, as usual, it's at his aunt's and she is just a flighty, bitchy person. She complains that everyone is in her way in the kitchen, then bitches bc nobody is helping. She can be downright miserable. I can only handle so much of her, before I am ready to pull my hair out. I understand now, why her husband has a small living area set up in his pole barn. To escape her nagging. It's horrendous. LOL. And this year, instead of drawing names, they are doing this gift game (there is a few diff names for it, but none come to mind). We have to buy a general gift...we will draw numbers and pick our gift in that order...then you can take a gift(trade it i guess) from anyone who goes before you. So, the gifts kinda need to be gender/age neutral. makes it a bit trickier. For one of the gifts, I bought the game Apples to Apples. I love that game (and am getting it for Christmas...lol). For the other, i am not sure. I am thinking of getting one of those liquor gift sets...they all pretty much drink and well, it's hard to think of things. I know they used to commonly give these type of gifts, so that won't be a problem. I will say though, that I wouldn't probably want one myself. Of course, I could do up another movie basket, but instead of a movie, include a gift card for Blockbuster, seems how you never know who has what movies. Hmmm...i might just do that.

Well, I am exhausted and have lots to do tomorrow before the party, which is at 3pm.

Have a great holiday weekend and be safe! It's crazy hectic out there!

All done for now

With school. inhale-exhale. I survived my first semester back in college. And best yet, I survived with probably all As. At least 3 out of 4, for sure. I had my math final today and I am confident that I did well on it. Then, I went to English tonight and got my final back and it was an A+!!!!! All we had to do was pick up our paper and then we were able to go...so i headed to the Nite Cap with Shane, for one drink...a quick, fast one, bc he had to meet someone. In fact, i had to drink that Strawberry Long Island Iced Tea so fast, i got a major brain freeze. LOL. But, he paid for most of it (it's an $8 drink). Then, i headed off to walmart to get the gift for my niece and nephew (my sister's stepkids). They are doing their Christmas tomorrow night as a family because Chris leaves for GA to visit his mom and grandparents, on Friday. So, I had to have their gifts before Chris leaves. I still have several people to buy for. Parents, brother, sister and their spouses and then my new nephew. I know what I am getting him, so that won't be hard. The rest, im not so sure about. Probably get dad the Simpson's Movie, for one. And I found something for Jeremy's dad's girlfriend. It's a gift set..which I typically don't do, just bc the stuff in them usually isn't anything special. But, she loves candles and has them all over and this is a real nice candle set (that smells good...oatmeal cookie, caramel apple, etc) and done up nicely in a gift basket. It's hard to buy for his dad and dad's gf bc they have everything they want. She's easier than he is though bc she collects angels, so that is easy. But, they live in a 2 bdrm apt so they don't have all the room for all these endless angels. I thought about a gift card for a restaurant, but really, they go out to eat all the time anyway, so it's not anything special, other than they wouldn't have to pay for it that one time. But, i can't think of a single thing to get his dad. Jeremy can't either. Well, other than the Holiday Beer Stein, which we get him every year. But that's $15. I might have Jeremy call him tomorrow and ask for some ideas. Of course, it will get us nowhere, bc he will say, NOTHING.

I have to steal away over to my moms to get my wrapping done. It would be easiest without the kids, bc Makenneh can only handle it so long before she is banging and pulling on the door wanting in or wanting me to come out. Also need to come up with a plan to get it all over here without the kids noticing. That could be interesting. What I might do is wait til Christmas Eve...hopefully the kids will be tuckered out early (bc we will be at jeremy's dad's that evening) and I can go get the gifts then..after they are asleep.

Well, I am off here for now...gotta organize the day ahead of me so i can be the most productive.

Update on the pt home conference

Aunt Bev reminded me that I never posted to say how the home visit went with Makenneh's teachers. I thought I had better do it now before I forget again.

I was frustrated with the whole thing because, as you may recall, they hadn't sent home any reminders and just called the morning of. Well, I had things I needed to do, but had to stick around for them. And they were over a half hour late! But, all went well once they got here. I like the aid better than the teacher. SHe just seems more into the kids and seems to enjoy her job more than the teacher. So, im glad Miss Laura is there. Makenneh is doing well in school. She is a good student and they enjoy her. We are working with her on her name and counting. She has just recently shown interest in learning these things. Before, she would get frustrated any time I tried to work with her on it. But now,s he is putting her "name" on everything and we count everything. They asked if I had any questions or problems. I did mention her stubbornness and behavior at home. OF course, they just couldn't believe that I was speaking of the same child they have in class. Miss Laura said she is so good in class and they have no problems with her. She also said that it's good to have them good in school and save the bad behavior for home. She has a son who is the opposite. I am thankful that she does well in school and I can imagine how frustrating it is when they do act up at school. I told them that last year,I did work with the behavioral specialist and they asked if i wanted them to have her contact me. I declined for now. She is getting better almost every day. And I anticipate that as she continues to mature, she will get even better.

Well, it is time for us to start getting ready for school and I just realized that I probably still need to secure the sitter for Sebastian. With my mom working, everything is always up in the air until the last minute. I need to talk to the college about child care...bc if they offer it and it's reasonable, that may be the best bet.

Have a great day!

Generosity

I experienced a true blessing today. Because Makenneh is in Headstart and it's a state-funded program, local agencies often work with the families at holiday time. Last month, Makenneh brought home a paper for me to fill out with Christmas wishes, sizes, etc for everyone in the family. A few weeks ago, I received a call from the lady who was organizing the Christmas drive. She said the family who had our name wanted to know if there were any other things we needed...for the house, for the kids, anything. She asked if we needed bedding, towels, etc. She also confirmed clothing sizes. Well, i didn't think much of it. Today was the pick up day. I went to the Church to pick up my items. Now, I have received Christmas help before and usually it consisted of some small, more so supplementary items. I was very grateful then and got all teary-eyed. This year, what I experienced, was beyond belief. I gave the lady my name, showed my ID and she handed me a $15 gift card for the local grocery store, a paper bag with laundry soap, toilet paper and paper towel in it. She then said the gentleman standing there would help with the rest. So, i follow him outside, where he got two more paper bags, full of groceries and loaded them in my car, while another gentleman went to get the gift items. He comes out and says that I have a lot of things so asked me to back my car up. I do. He brings out so many gifts. I kid you not that my entire car, front seat, back seat, trunk, was loaded with stuff. The stuff was all wrapped so i had no idea what was inside. I graciously thanked the men and headed off back to mom's. The tears were already burning my eyes. Some family was soo incredibly generous and I couldn't help but feel so thankful and humble. I called my mom and told her how my car was crammed full of gifts....as I started to cry. I hung up, and the next song to come on the radio was "Drummer Boy"...my grandma's favorite Christmas song. I began sobbing so hard, i thought about pulling off the road. I felt kinda like grandma was sending me a message from above that she is looking out for us. I got back to my moms and we unloaded the car. We left so that mom could do some of her shopping. I couldn't wait to get back to her place to go through everything. Even though it was wrapped, I wanted to carefully unwrap it to see what all was there...to make sure that nothing duplicated what I had already gotten and to make sure things evened out (bc i am a stickler about fairness in gift giving). So, we got back from shopping and i locked myself in my parents' bedroom. I began opening gifts, slowly and carefully. What I saw amazed me even further. There is enough stuff there to call Christmas. Plain and simple. and not just for the kids, but for Jeremy and I and even family gifts. I cried so hard. I don't know who these people are and they don't know who I am. Yet, they gave, so generously and have definitely made this our best Christmas ever. Winter boots for Makenneh and a pair of boot/shoe things for Sebastian (they actually look like mini men's work boots...really cute), shoes for me and jeremy, work boots for jeremy, betty crocker bake set (play stuff) for makenneh, play appliances for makenneh, talking dora poster, a white, lined basket filled with a unicorn, a "candle" light, books and a small wrapped present (which i left wrapped), clothes (which i didn't have time to go through yet)...then for SEbastian..two cars from the Cars movie, a Lightning McQueen, Cars book set, set of 3 sports balls, outfits, clothes..then Shrek 3 movie, Thomas movie. For Jeremy- two nice outfits (jeans and nice shirts), $40 Sears gift card, a lap tray with ink pen set, notepad, deck of cards and something else, i honestly didn't even check..all bundled together, nut cracker and nuts. For me, a pj set, 3 pair of pants and 4 tops (just in the stuff that i checked) I still have a few gifts i didn't open. For the family, a bag full of safety stuff...smoke alarm, carbon monoxide detector, flashlight, batteries, pamphlets on safety and talking with kids, info on carseat checks, car safety checks, etc, towels...oh and flannel sheet sets for each of the kids....This is all just off the top of my head. I have to add that several of the gifts seemed to say that they just knew what to get. For instance...makenneh loves unicorns and just saw one in the store the other day and wanted it. She also wants a night light in her room (they gave her that candle thing that would work perfect as a night light), Sebastian loves Cars movie, and Thomas and we just watched Spiderman movie the other night..one of his outfits is a spidey outfit. Jeremy only had about one pair of decent jeans...no nice shirts, really. I have been so frustrated every day getting dressed bc i need new clothes...and they just gave me so many nice ones. I don't have any pj's...now i have a brand new, matching set. It's as if they just knew what to get. And perhaps they did...I truly believe God above guided them in their purchases. How else can you explain such coincidence. My mom said she bets they spent close to $1000 on all of this stuff. And without a doubt, they probably did. Interestingly enough, I was just talking to my sister the night before about how someday, when I am on my feet, I am going to start a program to help needy families at Christmas. In our hometown, a lady started what she calls Community Services and every year, they help many local families with Christmas. The reason she started it was bc she had gone through some rough times where she didn't know how she would provide Christmas and she decided then that she never wanted another family to have to experience that. So, she does her part to help out. I have wanted to do something like that, myself. I think it is an incredible thing and I truly believe that every child should have gifts to wake up to on Christmas morning. It breaks my heart to think about the many children who don't.

All day today, I couldn't help but think about the fact that every year, I have donated to at least one of the Christmas drives. Every year since I was old enough to have my own money. And before that and even after that, I always told my mom to donate one of my gifts (that she would have gotten me) to charity. This year, before I even knew for sure how I would pull Christmas off for my kids (but knowing that they would indeed have Christmas), I took 3 ornaments off the "giving tree" at my college. Each ornament had a small gift that some child had requested. I bought them and dropped them off a couple weeks ago. And, my giving has blessed me many times over already. Initially I was blessed bc of the great feeling it gives me inside to do something so kind. It grew from there. The next blessing I received was when my Aunt Jean bought me a flash drive so that I would have one for college. She then dropped off a box of food for me. Then, the gifts I received today. That was followed by Julie's offer to send snow pants for Makenneh. My life is full of many blessings and it is those blessings that keep me going during my darkest moments. I always know (even if only deep down at times) that things will work out and this life is so very much worth living. And at times, it seems the world has gone crazy... yet there are people out there who have hearts of gold.

I believe there are angels among us:

Angels Among Us by Alabama
I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldnt see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Chorus
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
Theres always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And aint it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Chorus

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Chorus
To guide us with a light of love.
*********

I *know* there are angels among us. I experience it. I have several.

With that, I just want to end by saying, if there is any way you can do something, even small, to help someone out during the holiday season, do it. Whether it's buying a toy to donate to a local charity, toys for tots, etc or taking some food to a family you know could use it or "adopting" a family to provide them Christmas or taking an ornament off one of the trees, something, anything. If we all do a part, the season will be merrier for more. And trust me, the feeling you get from giving is magnificent. And those who receive are so grateful. I challenge everyone reading this to do one of the things mentioned above. Hurry and get out there. There is still time and so much need.

Still have class

I called the "school closing hotline" when i got up. WE still have class today. Of course, from what I can see out my windows (which is only the street in our park that i live on), we didn't get much of any snow last night anyway. Wonder if all those schools regret canceling last night? At least the babysitter situation still works out for me, as my aunt and uncle are watching my kids. I feel for those parents who either had to stay home or pay extra for daycare bc school is closed. It wouldn't be as bad if it weren't unnecessary. THe roads should be fine.

Well, im off here to get ready. Have an hour to get us all ready and Makenneh is still sleeping!

Snow Day

This is my little elf. He does the shoveling around here, when we get dumped on. At least, that's what I was hoping for. I found out this morning that he doesn't really do that. He just stands there looking smug as I shovel. (Because I won the "argument" with Jeremy over who was shoveling). Yes, we argued (in fun) over who would get to shovel. I was putting on coat and boots and he asked what i was doing. I told him i was going to shovel. HE said no, ill shovel. I said i will and back and forth. I went. LOL. Of course, when i came in huffing and puffing and out of breath, i was wishing I had let him do it. But it is so therapeutic to shovel the snow. Especially when it's the clean, soft, white, fluffy kinda snow.
They have already canceled school for tomorrow for many of the school districts around here. I have yet to know if they canceled college for me though. I have mixed feelings about canceling college. We only have two math classes left for the semester: tomorrow and wednesday. The final exam is on wednesday. so, unfortunately, if class is canceled tomorrow, we will sorta be going into our exam blind. I'm hoping that if class is canceled tomorrow that he will spend the first half of wed. class going over things....a review. Then do the test the second half. But, we will have to see.

We did get dumped on last night, with snow. Woke up barely able to open our front door. But, the roads weren't that bad by afternoon time. I was shocked when my cousin called to tell me that Makenneh didn't have school tomorrow. I guess we are expecting another accumulation of snow over night. I think Santa needs to bring the kids some sleds, bc here, when they plow, they have a huge hill and i saw kids sledding down it tonight. YOu know Makenneh is going to want to do that. That means she will also need some snow pants.

I'm starting to feel the weight of our housing issue bore down on me. As the new year closes in, I realize I am running out of time. But, it's hard to look for a place when we won't be able to do anything until we get our income taxes back. So, it's like, I can look right now, but nothing would be guaranteed to still be available in a couple months. We would love to rent a house, but the reality is, they are so darn expensive. Of course, if you add in the cost of a trailer payment and lot rent, i guess it would run about the same. Dad told me today to keep watching the paper bc they often will give away trailers for free bc they are so hard to sell. It would be nice to come across one that is free, 3 bdrms and in a decent area. But, that may just be asking far too much. The thing about that is, it would mean only having to pay lot rent, which would make it cheaper. There is a 3 bdrm in here for sale that we could buy with income taxes. The couple downsides to it is that it is a very old trailer and it needs things like carpet, drywall and the sort. I just don't know. But the man would probably be willing to take about $1000 for it, bc he has been trying to sell it for quite some time. He is wanting to move in with his friend. The other downside is, it would be best if we moved back toward the area we were living in. It would be so much closer for the guy who picks Jeremy up for work. I really don't know how Helen has remained sane through all of the housing issues. This is so darn stressful having your housing issues up in the air and kinda dependent upon other people. I cannot wait until I am done with school and can buy a home that is ours to keep to do with as we please. Someday!

Well, I am off here...the kids are still up. I want to run to the store to get me some coke. I am just craving some. And the only other thing to drink in here is our tap water and i just tried that. Blech! IT smells like bleach and tastes like bleach. Horrid. Most city water is not this bad. I swear they over chlorinate it. To tell you how bad it is, when I do laundry, I will open the washer to get clothes out and almost every time, I find myself searching for the spilling bleach, because it smells like straight bleach. Just give me well water, please. Cold, out of the tap, well water. Complete with all those nutrients and minerals and whatever else. They can keep the chlorine. If i wanted to drink pool water, why i would go to a public pool and bottle that stuff up. Hahahaha!

Hope everyone is keeping warm (Except Helen...bc she is sunny CA and we know she is staying warming)! For the rest of us, keep a snow shovel handy!

Ho, Ho, Ho!

I had actually forgotten, but our park was hosting a Christmas Party for the tenants, yesterday. I was reminded, as I was leaving to go to the bus stop and saw Santa and Mrs. Claus in the parking lot! I actually got the giddy Christmas magic kinda feeling. Sebastian, eh, not so much. HE wasn't quite sure about this ol' man in a red suit. But then again, he is shy with every new person he meets, until he warms up to them. So, it was to be expected that he would behave that same way with the jolly man in the red suit. Santa and the Mrs. waited outside to greet all the children who got off the bus. I thought that was real cool. How many kids can say that Santa was waiting for them when they got off the bus? THen, we all went inside the clubhouse for pictures with Santa, cupcakes (which had the most delicious frosting on them and decorated so beautifully), hot cocoa, punch, candies and other little goodies. WE got in line to sit on Santa's lap and then after that, had our cupcake and drink and off home we went. I still had class and had to finish making my cheesy potatoes to take to class. But the kids liked it. Sebastian even managed to sit on the man's lap without a melt down. He did give his classic "Sebastian" scowl, too. So, I was able to knock one more thing of my Christmas to-do list. The kids have seen Santa, sat on his lap and even got their picture taken with him. And the best part..it was free!

This morning, i awoke to my phone ringing. It was Makenneh's teacher reminding me that they would be here for the home visit (aka parent teacher conference) at 1:30. Today. OMG. I wanted to freak. No note sent home this week to remind us, nothing. This place is trashed. The week leaves little time for upkeep on house work. The bare minimum gets done. The weekend is when cleaning occurs, for the most part. OMG, i can't believe i have a few hours to get this place presentable for her teachers. Meh, then i realized, i am human, i have a very busy life, complete with two young children and while some people may manage to keep their homes spotless and Better Homes and Garden show-ready. This momma doesn't roll like that. LOL. We live in our home. We make messes, we sometimes leave them for later cleaning. OH well. Take it or leave it. it isn't (i had actually posted this saying it *is* filthy...oops, what a typo, glad i caught it) filthy, you won't get some unknown disease from visiting or even sitting down. Unless maybe you come from one of those spotless BHG homes. Perhaps then your immune system may be too weak to handle anything less than spotless. Hahaha. So, i picked up the living room and vacuumed. i picked up the kitchen, cleared the table and counters, wiped them down, put my mountains of laundry safely behind my closed bedroom door and voila! Not too bad. Oh and i plugged in my candle warmer thing that melts the candle and gives off nice smells....currently, Country Apple from White Barn Candle Co. So, it smells delicious in here and it is kinda clean. Now, of course, i have 2 hours before the teachers actually arrive, so what happens btwn now and then is well, a different story. But at this point in time, all is clean and almost organized.




And just look at this handsome boy! Complete with a butterfly bandaid on his face. Why? Because, while you can't actually see it, he is part monkey. The part monkey that he is, is the part that causes him to want to climb high, swing from things, etc. The part monkey that he isn't, well, is the part that allows real monkeys to do those things with grace. THe result? A boy child who thinks he can climb like a monkey, but who actually doesn't have the means to do so, safely. He is always climbing on the back of my couch (which is currently placed in front of the backside of my kitchen counter. the counter that separates the kitchen/dining from the living room. Well, we have gotten after him time and again for doing this. He insists, and does so every chance he gets. Wednesday evening, as I was sitting down to scarf down some dinner before rushing off to class, he was climbing up on the back of the couch. JEremy was at the counter, fixing his plate. Low and behold, Sebastian lost his footing and crashed down, hitting his head on the counter along the way. It was the most horrific moment in my history as a mother, thus far. Jeremy rushed around and scooped him up and all we could see what blood. everywhere. it was horrible. Jeremy let this sound escape his lips that was somewhere btwn a cry of horror and fear and a wail. I rushed to the bathroom to find no damn washcloths. So, i grabbed a thin towel and got it wet. All the while, i was freaking out bc my mom was at work and what would i do. what should i do and damn her why does she have to have a job? I realized dad was home so i called him in a panic and asked him to come quick. We put the towel on Seb's head and held it there, applying pressure. I removed the towel for a moment to reveal a gaping gash. But the bleeding had slowed way down. Within the 1o mins or less it took my dad to get here, the bleeding had stopped. And Sebastian had quit crying pretty much the moment Jeremy picked him up. I called Shane, a guy who is in my English class, to let him know what happened and ask that he tell the teacher. Our final paper was due that night and i didn't want to fail the class over one paper. We decided we needed to take Seb to the after hours and so my dad took Makenneh and off we went. On the way, i called our doctor. He called right back and said not to let them stitch it, as it is too traumatic and seems how the bleeding had stopped in a timely fashion and the gape was only about a quarter inch, steri-strip would be best. Just something to hold it closed while it heals. We got to the after hours clinic and they were supposed to open at 6. Well, we waited until almost quarter after and no staff members had shown up yet. So, we decided to go get the strip to do it ourselves. After all, that's what our doc said to do if the clinic wanted to stitch it. So, what a night. We went to walmart, had the pharmacist help me pick out what i needed and off we went. We got makenneh, put the butterfly on Seb's head and i headed back out the door to class. Which, i arrived at around 7 and found only two girls in the glass. The teacher let class out at about 620. So, i just had to hand in my paper and get back the papers he had graded.

I have decided that this boy is going to be the death of me. My gosh, he has no fear, what so ever. I had to cut away some of his hair Wednesday night, to keep it out of his wound. So, i ended up cutting it the rest of the way last night. I am not overly happy with it, but hey, i am not a hair stylist and never claimed to be. It's decent. Can't ask for much more.

Well, time to finish things up around here and get lunch done and out of the way before the teachers arrive. Bleh! Talk about a monkey wrench in my plans for the day!

May I?

Toot my own horn, for just a moment, or ten? I had two speeches to give tonight. The persuasive speech gave me fits preparing it. Every time I practiced it at home, i choked. It was horrible. I was so afraid to give it bc i just didn't think i would be able to pull it off. I practiced it last night several times, with better luck, but still not the ease with which my other speeches came. But, time is of the essence and i was running out. So, i put it away and went about my business. Tonight, I got to class and gave me speech. I received a very positive reaction from the crowd (aka my classmates) and also from my teacher...I got another 100%. I am soooo damn proud of myself. NO matter how bad i choked at home, when i got up to that podium, it all flowed rather smoothly. Perhaps I am a natural at this public speaking bit. haha. Go figure.

Then, I had to give my ceremonial speech. I cried when giving it at home. OF course, it was late at night and fatigue played on my emotions as well. But, i got up there and gave my speech...a tribute to my dad. I turned it into a Father's Day Tribute. I managed to keep my emotions under wrap...my teacher had tears in his eyes!!!! Everyone loved it. The best part was, when i walked back to the teacher, he asked me if he could keep it. He then said that he has a friend who works for our local paper (Flint Journal). He wants to ask his friend to print my tribute for Father's DAy!!! In the newspaper. Not just the small hometown paper, but the big journal that most ppl in our country receive. I was so honored and proud. Not to mention, what a great Father's Day gift for my dad! And he is so deserving of such a special gift.

I also must add that when i got my speech review paper back (a paper i had to write, reviewing a speech I watched), he had written a note on it, asking if he could keep it to use as an example for other classes. He had written at the top, "Well written. Great Job." I cannot contain my excitement.

I feel almost like a celebrity. My work being used for future classes, printed in newspapers, etc. Wow. And to think all these years I was shy and intimidated by the very thought of standing up to give a speech. Needless to say, my grade should certainly be a 4.0 in this class. The few points i missed on tests were made up in an extra credit assignment I did.

Enough of my bragging. BUt I do have to add: going back to college is by far the greatest decision I have ever made. I have never felt so accomplished, worthy and proud as I feel now. I feel like I can do anything. Not to mention, i have a social life again. It is just a win win situation. With only one week of classes left, I am actually feeling a bit sad at saying goodbye to the friends I have made in each of my classes. Oh and i must say...homework is out of the way, except for math class. Wooohooo! A breather, at last. No big speeches to prepare, no projects, no English papers. Whew!

Tomorrow night is our Christmas Bunco. We will exchange gifts, have a nice meal and of course, play bunco. I always love our Christmas bunco. I have to go tomorrow to get my gift for the exchange. WE just spend $10, so nothing big.

And since I have tooted my own horn, I must now toot Jeremy's. LOL. Seriously, though. HE deserves a lot of credit. I am so proud of the man I married. It's just the little things, mostly, but they mean the most. Almost every week night, he comes home from work and is rushed to get his shower in before I have to leave for class. He tends to the kids each night, dinner, baths and keeping them out of trouble. And to top it off, he doesn't complain when i go out after class. He has been so supportive of my decision to go back to college and it has just made everything so much easier. I really expected him to get frustrated with being alone with the kids every night. Mostly because, he has never had to do it before. But, he has proven me wrong. He takes the bull by the horn (and trust me, these two can be quite the bulls) and does it without complaint. And he even cleans sometimes. Bonus!

And while I am giving credit where credit is due, I must also say that my mom and my sister have been a great help in my endeavor to return to college. Without them babysitting SEbastian, this wouldn't happen. Or it would be extremely frustrating worrying about babysitters. So, while it is my hard work earning the As, it is their hard work behind the scenes that really makes it possible!

A moment to breath

ahhh. I have a moment. An unrushed moment. I got my speech done. I don't know for sure if it is exactly right. I don't see why it wouldn't work though. We have to do a ceremonial speech. Those can include tributes, eulogies, acceptance, farewell, graduation, introduction, etc. I decided to do a tribute to my dad. The thing is, i set it for just a general tribute..no special occasion. I focused on the recent events some of you may be aware of...something that happened that made me aware how lucky I am that my father's hands never brought me fear or violence but were loving and comforting. I emailed the teacher last night, but he hasn't emailed back. Hopefully it is ok. I might rework it a bit tonight.

I did manage to get some cleaning done this weekend. Every weekend, i am so exhausted from going gung ho all week, that i tend to collapse in a heap and do nothing while Jeremy is home to tend to kids. But, it will soon let up. ONly one and a half weeks left of classes. I will have a few weeks off and then start again.

WEdnesday i go sign up for my winter classes. I need to decide where I am going for my bachelors degree and then my masters. I think I will focus on that for the few weeks I am off.

Still working on Christmas. The kids are pretty much done. Of course, there are always things I want to pick up..it's a never ending deal. I do have to finish the stocking stuffers though.

Well, all hell is breaking loose, the kids are "fighting" so i am going to go!

Just real quick

Because it's time to leave for our family Christmas party. Thought I would check in as I haven't typed in a few days. But ive been very busy. The project on English culture went well. He didn't tell us our grades...he never does.

The kids are getting dressed in their Christmas outfits and looking sooo cute. But i realized that i don't dress them up enough..neither of them have dress socks and seb doesn't have dress shoes...lol. oh well.

Ok, gotta run! Have a great weekend

Not enough time in a day

Which is why I am always up so damn late. Down to the wire in college, as the semester ends in two short weeks.

I have spent the last few nights up working on my project for multicultural comm. Ya know, the English culture project. I should say that it was hard to wrap it up. The more i learned, the more i wanted to learn. I just found it all so interesting. And i can't help but dream about some day visiting. We decided (ok i decided, bc i took charge....my grade must be an A) that we would incorporate the whole tea tradition. I know i will not do it justice. But, I researched and figure i can pull it off to some degree. So, after telling our class all about the English culture, we will end with serving tea and scones and some very expensive cookie things I found at the grocery store that are supposedly popular over there and seem to go well with the tea thing. And i wound up buying two different kinds of teas bc silly me figured the tea made by Twinings, called English breakfast tea should surely work. Only to get home and read that when "having your own English tea" you should use Earl Gray or Darjeeling. I must admit, I would certainly love to serve Darjeeling bc while i have no idea what it might taste like or where to find it, i think the name sounds incredible. Therefore, it must be good, right? So, i settled with Earl Gray. And I initially set out to make my own scones...yes, you read that right..make my own. For a class of say, 20 ppl. Well, while doing some grocery shopping the past two days (yeah different stores, crazy, i know) i thought i would check their bakery sections. Low and behold, trusty ol walmart sells scones in their bakery. So, Helen, don't read this...I am serving Walmart scones with my tea. Shhhhh. LOL. Those things are 2.00 for 3 of them...however, they are fairly large in size and given the nature of the setting, i think we could cut them at least in half. Otherwise, we are looking at spending around 16.00 on scones for a school project. I am almost certain i am not even going to like them. Making them would certainly be cheaper...but i am not betty crocker and well, i would have opted for the recipe i found in my search that sounds like it would be rather bland tasting and boring. Buying them just saves so much time. ANd really, my partner offered to buy all that stuff seems how i have done most of the work. Bless her heart. lol. I have bought the tea and those one expensive cookies, though. So, yeah, it probably won't be anything like the real deal in England. But, im lucky in that none of the ppl in my class are from England and have probably never had tea in England (oh I hope)...so they will be ok. I do plan to talk about the whole thing and admit that the whole tea thing, while fascinating, sounds too darn fancy for this simpleton. lol. I will share a secret....on the rare occasion that I consume tea...it goes like this. I put some water in a coffee cup (what's the diff...lol) and pop it in the microwave for a min or so and then take it out, throw a tea bag in there and bounce it around (ok, steep) for a min. (not much longer, probably less than a min) bc i like my tea very weak. tinted water, if you will. When gma or others have tea for more than one...well, us hillbillies put water in the kettle,put on stove, wait for wistle. In the meantime, throw a tea bag in the cup so that when the water is ready, you pour it in the cup and voila, tea. Skip the whole teapot part. I do recall the first time i had to utilize a tea pot. WE were at my friend's gma's house. And I shouldn't dare say this was just perhaps, 2 yrs ago. Her gma was dying from cancer and was bedridden. My mom and friend's mom had to go somewhere. I was staying to sit with gma. Well, as they were leaving, i was asked to make tea for gma. Ha. She used a teapot. I got it all wrong. i was sooo darn confused. Why do we use that extra step of the teapot? And yes, friends, i am going to attempt to do up some tea thursday, English style. Be afraid.

So, need I mention that I do not own a teapot or tea kettle, for that matter. Nor do i own any fine China....Helen, do you really use fine China when you serve tea? LOL. Tell me you don't. ;)
So, i have to hunt said items down. And I know that Helen is headed to the US, but if you are reading this and can respond before thursday, would it really hurt if i used my "coffee cup" and saucer in place of the tea cup? I have cute little cups with saucers...they are as fancy as i get. Made by Corelle...white with an ivy. lol. Anyone know? I mean, i won't be graded on whether or not i used the proper pieces...but i don't want to be way off base. Here is a pic of the set of dishes i have. Do you think those cups/saucers would be ok? This is only being used for display purposes, bc i am seriously not serving my entire class from real dishes. They get styrofoam when the presentation has ended...lol.

I still have an English paper to type up that is due tomorrow night. Of course, beings that it is almost 230 am, it will already be wednesday when ppl read this. so, tonight, the paper is due. I have no idea where my time goes. Today was my day "off". Off from school, that is. You would think i could've accomplished quite a bit. Wrong. It was my day to volunteer in Makenneh's class. Of course, I must back up here and say that monday night, on my way out the door for my speech class, I slipped and fell, landing on my knee. It was excruciating pain. Jeremy had to help me up and i was crying like a baby. Well, I ended up going to class anyway bc it was speech day and if you miss it, don't usually get to make it up. I had called my instructor and he said i could stay home. he said he didn't think we would get thru all the speeched,but if we did, i might not be able to make it up, bc of time. So, i sucked it up and hobbled in, only 30 mins late. Add to this, i am getting sick. Soooo, back to volunteer day. I had thought about not going bc i am coughing so hard i pee my pants, my knee is throbbing and all the sitting on the floor, getting up, sitting in tiny mini chairs, getting up, etc was going to kill. Not to mention, wearing jeans really hurts...and that's mostly all i own. So, blah. But, the teachers have this nice way of guilting parents into this. They refer to the volunteer day as the child's "special day". Great. So, on your special day, you get to be line leader (leader of the pack in the hallway), sit at the special table for lunch/snack, do the calender, etc. Well, by using this terminology...special day, the child then feels that if mom or dad doesn't come to volunteer on said day, that the world is going to end. i do not want my child to be one of those children whose parents miss out on everything bc they have something better to do. I hate going into this classroom. I am not gonna lie. It just doesn't feel as welcoming as her classroom last year. The teacher seems like she would rather claw her eyes out with a spoon than be in the classroom, one of the aides that is sometimes there just rubs me the wrong way and then, nobody ever says what is really expected of you on this volunteer day. It's just a very awkward feeling. I mean, am i "volunteering" to help the teacher and do things for her or is it to be with my child on her special day and experience the classroom setting with her? And i say "volunteering" in "" bc well, i didn't volunteer to do this. Each month, they send home a calendar with the day you are to volunteer. (Your child's special day). So, the whole thing kinda gets at me. Last year, I would go up to her class on occasion. I would help out, hang out, whatever. But last year, her teachers made me feel very welcomed, they seemed to have great control over things and knew what they were doing. The teacher and aide could handle the classroom alone. I get the feeling that this year's teacher feels they need that one extra adult every day. That means, that at some points, there are upwards of 5 adults in this one tiny classroom. They have one lady (don't know who she is) that comes in every day to help with things. Anyway, all this ranting to say that, when i broke the news to Makenneh that i probably wouldn't go today, she burst out in the most heartbreaking tears. "But mommy, who will come to my special day?" That's when this whole thing really started to unnerve me. I was so upset that they use this underhanded guilt tactic. tHey had to know that the kids would react this way if mom or dad couldn't come. So, i assured her that i would be there. What else was i to do. I didn't want her sitting in class all day feeling bad bc her mommy wasn't there on her special day. Damn them. So, i had no time for a shower and i surely needed one. But, got myself and Sebastian ready and headed to her classroom. I should say, hobbled. WE had lunch with her...Sebastian was a monster. During circle/story time, he wouldn't sit still and was a huge disruption. So, i finally decided it was time to go. I whispered to makenneh that i had to go because sebastian was being disruptive. She was fine with this, kiss kiss, love you. I scooped a screaming, crying sebastian up and off we went. He cried the entire way home. On this one day off, i needed to work on my pile of homework, get groceries and catch up on laundry. However, my time was drastically cut and instead, I got some groceries (meaning i will have to go back to get rest) and didn't get anything else done...bc i only have a small window to do this in while she is in school. By the time she gets home, it's dinner, family time, baths, whatever. And then, i have to wait until they are sleeping to tackle homework..it's too chaotic, loud and otherwise disturbing to do much of anything while they are up. So, here I am, at 230am, having just finished up some homework (none of it is complete yet, i might add, but have to call it quits at some point) and now im ready to drop. AGain. The speech that i was supposed to give monday night gave me such fits that i was up all night sunday trying to get it down. I just couldn't for the life of me. Finally, at 4am, i decided that i would skip my math class to work on it in hopes that putting it down and going back to it later would help. So, i have no idea if we have a test tomorrow (er, today) or not. And if we do, well im screwed to be blunt. I just have to hope that it comes back to me as i sit with the test in front of me. But, again, i could sit up all night working on my math homework or i could get some much needed rest. I have to keep going. I can't stop now. But, it is getting nerve racking.

Well, that ends my novel. I have run out of energy to type, anyway. time to get some sleep. Even if only for a few hours. I really need to get up early and hit the books...math book, especially. Wish me luck! and if you know where i can get some more energy and superpower, let me know.

Welcome December

The last month of the year. Snow. Christmas. New Year's Eve.

The snow has begun to fall outside...we are supposed to get more snow and freezing rain through the night. Yippee.

I have homework I need to be doing, but my mind just hasn't been in the homework mode. I am hoping that later tonight, it will kick in and I can get this stuff done and out of the way. The main thing I need to do is my Persuasive Speech. I chose Nursing In Public as my topic. I actually have the speech written out, but i have to do an outline and notecards. The outline is what's getting me. He gave us a general outline to use and I am just having trouble fitting my speech to the outline. I know, i work completely backwards. But, i just can't seem to do the outline first. I may rework my speech...scratch most of what i have, start with the outline and then fill everything in. I don't know yet.

I freecycled some of Makenneh's clothes today. I still have a bag of Seb's clothes to go and a fish tank. I hope someone picks them up, bc I am sick of the clutter and want to get it out of here. Trash day is Monday, but i seriously doubt i could bring myself to throw that stuff away.. I could drop it off at Goodwill on my way to class MOnday night, seems how the Goodwill moved next door to the college campus in my hometown, where i have most of my classes.

I got the Christmas tree up and decorated last night. Now I get to spend the next month keeping the kitten and the kiddies out of it. This year we just have a 4.5 ft tree and i sat it up on one of my end tables. of course, our living room chair is right next to the tree, making access more than easy.

Jeremy and I watched Spiderman 3 tonight. it was pretty good. It was nice to snuggle next to each other and watch a movie. of course, there were plenty of interruptions, as usual, but we have become used to those. LOL. The kids actually played quite well in their bedroom most of the time. Only a few spats.

Makenneh absolutely loves my MP3 player. My cousin was telling me that they have some at Family Dollar for about $12. That sounds good. I don't want to spend a lot on an electronic device like that for a 4 yr old. This way, when it gets lost or broken, i won't feel so bad. haha. I have this huge struggle every Christmas. I want to buy and buy for the kids. THe reality is, they just don't need all those toys. Bc on top of what we/santa get the kids, they have 3 sets of grandparents who shower them with gifts, 3 sets of aunt/uncles (2 of which shower them with gifts..one who gets one gift, usually...he is much younger..my brother in law). Then Great Gma and great aunts and uncles and my cousins who, most of them, get the kids gifts. So, as you can see, Christmas lands us with a lot of gifts. I have gotten each child one main gift and a few smaller gifts and i have a few more things yet to get them and of course the stocking stuffers. But, i can't help but think about all these other things i would like to get them, as well. But, it has to stop somewhere.

Well, the kids are settled in watching a movie and I am ready to try again, to tackle some homework. Have a great night and I hope that if you live in an area getting this winter storm, that you stay safe and warm!

I don't want to grow up

....it don't look like any fun. That's what Makenneh says. She has said it several different times. She said it again today. Just a few minutes ago. Part of me wants to laugh at her sentiment, but the other part of me feels sad that she thinks that way. She is very adamant about not growing up. She says she wants to stay "this big forever". I was surprised that she felt that way today, bc she was crying because her friend McKenzie said she didn't like her today. Makenneh was just heartbroken that McKenzie said that. And yet, she still thinks that it isn't any fun to grow up. Wow. I don't know what prompted McKenzie to say that today, but I'm sure it was far from the real truth. The girls play together at school and also after school. McKenzie lives a few doors down from us. Of course, I really think Makenneh gets along better with Johnny, McKenzie's brother. He is in Kindergarten. He is such a polite and well spoken little boy. When he first met me, he introduced himself and asked my name and is just so eloquent for a 5 yr old. He is the one who usually asks Makenneh to come over and play. They all play outside. Of course, it's getting too cold for all that. Today the wind is just downright bitter, yet they still wanted to play.

Makenneh has received her first Birthday party Invitation. Her classmate, Desiree, who also rides the bus and lives here in the park, is having a bday party on the 15th. Her mom told her she could invite 3 friends and she picked Makenneh as one of those. SO, when she was feeling sad about McKenzie, i reminded her that Desiree invited her to her bday party. It's so hard when their little hearts are broken, and we as parents know that it is just temporary. We know that tomorrow they will be friends again and all will be well. But, how can you convince them of this without making them feel that their heartbreak is insignificant...bc to them, it is anything but.

I feel a tad like Betty Crocker today. I made stuffed Manicotti for dinner. Admittedly, it's actually quite easy...but it's not as easy as say, Hamburger Helper. And hey, it sounds fancy, right? LOL. Jeremy got home and asked what I was making. I told him and at first, he didn't seem too enthralled. However, i went on to say, "how you could not like something that is nothing more than several different cheeses stuffed into a shell and topped with Spaghetti sauce is beyond me." And well, with the mention of cheese, his eyes lit up. LOL. My guys love their cheese. Jeremy adds cheese to just about everything. And Sebastian, he likes to eat cheese slices, shredded cheese, string cheese...cheese in any form. Cheese all by itself. It's a wonder i ever have to change a dirty diaper with all the cheese he eats.

Next week my project on English culture is due. I still have to type everything up and finalize everything we are going to talk about. I am trying to find some videos online that I can save to my flash drive and then take to school to show during our presentation. I also plan to put together a collage of pictures....of course, this is all under the condition that my damn printer works. I bought all the new ink cartridges, yet the thing still doesn't want to print. IT may be that the USB port it's plugged into isn't functioning properly, so i have to rule that out and then go from there. I want color photos for the collage, bc they just look better and are easier to see. Of course, I just had a great idea..i could do up little pamphlets on English culture and pass them out to the class at the start of our presentation. I plan to do the presentation in a "tour" type format. So, that would go along with the theme. Who knows, though. We are quickly running out of time and i have so much stuff to do with the end of the semester upon us. Only 3 weeks of class remaining.

Somewhere I need to find time to do some deep cleaning around here. The shower hasn't been scrubbed in forever and just all those little details that are easy to overlook and put off when you don't have time to tend to them. Then, everything is junk piled around here and i would love to unclutter and get ready for Christmas. I am thinking we are going to stay here at least until the end of the year, bc i want to put my tree up soon and get ready for the holidays. If i keep waiting on someone else to take care of their end first, well, i could be waiting til Christmas and beyond. So, i shall just call the shot and get things ready for the holidays around here. Not to mention, it would be far better to celebrate Christmas on our own, at our own home, by ourselves. I'm speaking of Christmas Eve and morning...we will be going to family functions throughout the month. But, being able to have our own tree and such would be nice.

Ok, kids are going crazy and I have to get ready to get to school...thankfully. makenneh is being whiney and Seb is into everything...ya know, the usual. LOL

A better start to this week

Last week was hell. Some know of the personal issues that started my week, last week. Well, this week is off to a better start. For one thing, Jeremy got me a cell phone. It's an early Christmas gift. It came just in time for snowy roads. It's a prepaid phone with monthly plan...so i pay a certain amount each month, via "top up" cards which i can buy at almost any retailer. Then, i get 200 mins anytime, 1000 night/weekend mins. And i just pay each month, as i go, without a contract.

He also got me a flash drive for my homework and an mp3 player. He is so horrible about gifts, he has to give them as soon as he gets them....lol. Thankfully, im in charge of the kids' christmas...or they would have nothing under the tree..he would give it as he gets it.

I got another 100% on tonight's speech. The last few I have done, have been perfect grades. woohoo.

Tonight's post is doomed to be short...it's doing that slow thing where i type about 5 words before the cursor catches up. I can't stand it..it drives me crazy and i have no idea why it odes it....if i did, i would prevent it. grrrrr.

Snow has arrived

It started Wednesday evening. Of course, we were on our way up to my gma's and they got quite a bit of it. So much so that dad was out early Turkey Day morning, shoveling.

Our Thanksgiving was nice. Lots of good food and family. What more can one ask for? We left Thursday night and arrived home around midnight. We had decided to go out shopping before the crack of dawn, so I got to sleep in til about 8. Mom woke up sick early Friday morning, so it was just sis and I going shopping. We headed out around 9. We just went to Meijer, Kmart and Walmart. I did manage to get some Christmas shopping done. I also picked 3 ornaments off the "giving tree" at our college. Each ornament had one gift item listed. These gifts are for the local community services Christmas program, which provides Christmas gifts for families in need. Seems how the gifts were rather small, I took 3. I know that we aren't in a great financial situation ourselves, but I firmly believe that every child should have something under the tree. And I can't help but do my small part. I bought a baby doll (and got Makenneh the same one), a Barbie (and again, got MAkenneh the same one) and Hi-Ho Cherry-O game. Those were the items listed on each of the ornaments I chose. One thing I look forward to when I start my career, is being able to do more to help families out during the holidays. It breaks my heart to think of the families out there who can't afford Christmas.

I plan to make some homemade body scrub to give as gifts this year. I came across a recipe to make it at home and I think it would be a cute, fun and inexpensive gift. My sister also printed off all kinds homemade gift ideas. We plan to get together a couple different days and make all kinds of things.

My car is getting a much needed front end alignment as I type. Jeremy got up and took it in to get that taken care of today. That will really help and hopefully the car won't chew through tires so much. I also got two of the 3 needed ink cartridges for my printer. Walmart was out of the yellow I need, bu i was able to get the magenta and blue and I already had the black. I hope that my printer will be up and running very soon! It'll be so nice to be able to type of my school work at home, instead of having to run all over to get it done. Save time and gas. Oh and I got a new pair of shoes. Nothing fancy, but they were needed. My old ones were trashed. In fact, that's right where they went, in the garbage.

Well, I need to clean the house and practice my speech for Monday. Enjoy the weekend.

*This Post has been removed by Owner

I have decided to remove this post, because, things always blow up in your face. If you care, try to help you are the "bad guy". It's ok to beat the shit out of your kids to the point they have to go to ER, but by God, don't be the horrible soul who tries to do good for the victim.

Clarification

Ok, after reading Julie's response to my last, i realized I may not have posted about the whole living situation. I am so scattered, these days, that i begin to post things, decide im too tired or whatever and stop or i feel like i had already posted it, so i leave it out. Anyway, here goes:

The place we are living in right now belongs to my uncle's girlfriend, TJ. She moved out and moved in with him and tried to sell it, to no avail. So, they offered us to move in here and just pay the lot rent (she continues to pay the trailer payment). Well, now, my uncle wants to break things off with her because it isn't working. His youngest kid won't hardly ever come over anymore because of her and the middle child has been staying at his mom's more and more even though he has been living with dad. All that's neither here nor there. The fact is, my uncle wants to have her move out. So, it would stand to reason that she would want her place back and that's perfectly fine with us. So, he said we could stay with him unti we can get our own place, bc he feels bad for having us move in here and 2 months later, need us to move out. The key issue is, he doesn't want to tell her to get out, he wants to just hope she does. That part isn't going to work with me. He told her that we would need to move in there because Jeremy's hours were cut at work (which is a big, fat lie). then, he was hoping she would just get frustrated, figure she is paying for this place here and it is empty, so just move back in here. Well, i think that's a bit far fetched. So, that's what my other post was about.

Right now, i would almost rather pack up all that we can fit in a UHaul truck and head out of state. Grrr. Families can be so damn dysfunctional and ours seems to rank high up there. I don't feel like getting into what all happened tonight involving another cousin and her dad. I am sick from it and just emotionally drained. I will post about it later, maybe. Thankfully this is a short week as far as work and school goes. And I am looking forward to heading up to Gma's house for Turkey day. It will be nice to be far away from all this crap for a little while.

Cheers

Our next assignment in Communications class is to write a ceremonial speech. This could be a toast, acceptance speech, eulogy, commencement speech, you get the idea. I first thought I would write a eulogy for my Aunt Dawn. I always regret that I didn't get up and say something at her funeral. Of course, i doubt i would have been able to get two words out before the sobbing, blubbery mess would hit. But, anyway, i thought it would be a bit of therapy to write one. So, I spent all day friday preparing this eulogy. I searched online for examples and pointers, i read quotes and poems for inspiration. I finally got it written (only about 8 hours later). I went to practice it and time it to be sure it was within the guidelines (1.5-2 mins bc we are running out of time in the class and we have to fit everyone in during one class period). I start out strong...and the more i read, the more the tears stung my eyes...before i reached the middle, i was a sobbing mess....to the point that i just yelled out, "i can't do this" and fell to my knees. I let myself cry it out and then it was back to the drawing board. I figured I had better go for something more cheerful. So, i opted to write a "maid of honor" toast for my sister's wedding. I really felt it was a good choice because (and you are going to see a trend here) i felt bad for not having prepared a sentimental speech for her actual wedding. So, here again, trying to make amends with myself and my guilty conscience. I got it written out friday night and did nothing with it today. So, tonight i decided to practice and time it. I worked out a few bugs, made some improvements and while i did get a bit choked up reading it...i can do it without having a complete meltdown. As I was doing this, i decided that for Christmas, I am going to type the speech out on stationary paper and present it to her for Christmas. I think i shall title it, "The Speech I Never Gave" or something of that nature.

I seem to be filled with such guilt anymore, over everything. I have always been that way, but it seems worse anymore. I do have a lot of regrets surrounding my sister's wedding, though. I was so emotionally drained and fighting depression so badly that I just wasn't into anything. The only reason I bothered to breath most days was because it came automatically. I wasn't there for her like i should have been, as a big sister and matron of honor. I hate that I get like that...bc you can't go back in time and change things. I wish i could keep myself on an even keel and be the person i know i am, inside.

On to cheerful thoughts, please. I am beginning to get a bit excited about the holidays. Thanksgiving is only a few days away. We are planning to go up to my grandma's. The only possible glitch is Jeremy's job. He doesn't know yet if he will have to work Friday. At first, he was figuring that even if it were a scheduled day, he would take it off...but we got to thinking and well, he can't really do that. If it is a scheduled day and he doesn't show up, he won't get paid for Thanksgiving day and that will make for a very short check. So, we are really hoping he doesn't have to work friday. The day before Thanksgiving, he will get his profit sharing check. I am anxious to get that. They are expecting a much larger check this year....so, that will make for a nice, less-stressful Christmas.

Moving right along...the move! I have decided that this can happen on my terms. He is the one who says he wants to move her out. that is all fine and good. But, if he is really serious about it, then he will have no problem telling her as much, before we move in with him. I do not want to move in there and have him sit around waiting for her to "get the cue" and leave on her own. We talked a little about this on Thursday or Friday. My one fear is that we will move in there and he won't do anything and we will all be living there..i mentioned that before. Well, to make matters stickier, he decided to tell her we were moving in because Jeremy's hours were cut at work because they are slow...so we can't afford rent. Well, she came back with, "well, then just have them pay the consumer's and water). So, he tells me this. His next idea is to tell her that we can't even afford that. WHAT?! I said, to him, "You need to think about that for a minute. She knows what those bills run. They are $200 and less. It would sound awful rediculous to say that we can't even afford that." I mean, really, how the hell can we even remotely care for our kids if we can't afford $200 a month?! He verified my concerns in that same conversation. He said he was figuring if he moved us in there, she would get frustrated, snap and move out. He used that word, "snap". That was his word. Red flags fly up. If he thinks that she might "snap" then why does he also think i should subject my kids to that? I told him that I can't do that. That it's not fair to my kids to put that in that possible environment. I then decided to suck it up and tell him that we would put our stuff in storage and just keep out what we will be taking with us to his place. Then, when he tells her it's over, we will move our stuff there and she can move hers here. I have to talk to him more about it, but we have to do it when nobody else is around. I am just going to lay it out, much like i have here. he has to tell her it's over before we move anything to his place. And something else about the whole thing that bothers J and I is that he lied to her about jeremy's job situation. So, it seems he expects us to carry out this lie to cover his ass. Well, lying isn't exactly in my nature. I suck at it the few times i've attempted. It goes against every grain of my being. And the awkwardness that the lies can create were shown yesterday. We took our kids over there to stay the night and it was just stressful. On the way there, jeremy nearly turned around once he realized that we would all be in the same house and oh what if she asks me about my job or something? what do i say. can we just go home? Forget this, i don't want to go over there. I told him that most likely, if she were to say/ask anything, she would direct it to me, but if she did direct it to him, to just say something simple and short like work is slow...which it kinda is at this very moment. But, as i got to thinking about all of this, i realized that if we allow him to keep things going as he is, we will be stuck taking the brunt of the blame for this whole mess. I mean, we have to look like the bloody fools who can't even slightly support ourselves and then we will be viewed and the cause of their break up, if he just waits til she gets fed up with having an extra family living there. Why should I have to take the fall for him? he needs to grow some cajones and tell her it isn't going to work. After i thought about the big picture, that's when i decided, he is going to do things right or not at all. I have no problem helping him out and if it means we have to stay with him until we can get a new place, just so she can move back in here, fine. But, i am not going to lower myself to lying and deceiving, on anyone's behalf, just to make his life easier. In moving, we are giving up a lot. We are giving up our privacy, comfort and freedom, we are uprooting our kids, we are changing school districts which means i will have to drive her daily to and fro the bus stop and also, i will have to drive jeremy to a meeting place to catch his ride to work and then pick him up from said meeting place after work because we can't expect his coworker to add on yet another several miles to the already, 'out-of-his-way' journey he takes to help us out. That's just absurd. I shudder at the thought of having to have my butt out in the cold at 545am to get him to work. Bleh. I hate mornings and i hate cold mornings even more. And i really really hate having to get up and get out of the house during those kinda mornings. Did i mention that somewhere in there, i have to have time for classes? The other thing I thought about is that when we move, I will have to report that to my caseworker and it is going to affect my food benefits. It's not that I'm saying it shouldn't, but if those get cut, how much would we really be saving if we have to pay for all of our groceries? But, i see no way around it, as i will have to report living there and even though we would be paying him something to live there, it wouldn't be what we are paying now and also, he has to report any money received to his worker and it would affect him if we claim we are paying say, $200/month for rent. So, as you can see, we are giving up a lot to make this happen. That's not to say there is nothing to be gained, but i do wonder if they even nearly balance each other out. I mean, we will get to save money. I would be able to have a bit of pocket change, for one. We could probably swing a much needed cell phone, keep up on car repairs (wouldn't go so far as to say we could get a better car though). I would also have childcare sometimes, without having to haul them a sitter. Uncle is off work during winter, bc of the type of job he has. I just have to pray that everything works out. We did live with them when Makenneh was about a year old. It was for a few months. It wasn't too bad, but a lot has changed on both sides, since then. we now have 2 kids, i am in school, we are accustomed to living on our own, etc.

Anyway, just have to roll with the punches, i guess. I'm so glad i have this blog...gives me a place to vent and talk/type through my frustrations. Then, i can go to bed a bit lighter.

Monday starts sign up for winter classes. I can't wait. We can start registering at 12:01am on the 19th. That's if we register online. Otherwise, have to wait for normal business hours. I would like to avoid the hassle of waiting in line at the college but I also think i should talk with my advisor before registering so that i am taking the classes i need. So, i will probably just deal with the mad rush of students and go in to the office. I can go to the local campus and do it there so it shouldn't be nearly as bad as the main campus. Plus, i can talk with another advisor because, quite frankly, i don't think the one i had knows much what she is talking about. She was very nice, but just didn't seem as knowledgeable as the last person i had dealt with. I did start to look over the course offerings for next semester and I really think i will stuck at the main campus more than i would like to. One class on main campus is too much for me. I hate that parking fiasco. It sucks. But, the local campus doesn't seem to offer too many classes in the areas i need. I can take a general psychology class, a philosophy class and i think there was one other that interested me that was in the time frames i need. So, we will see. I might just go check it out again. The more i can have ready, the quicker the process will go, im sure.

Well, time to venture on to finish my routine....

A+

That's what I got on my informative speech, tonight. I am so proud. I am not proud of the 3.0 I received in my multicultural communications class. It isn't a permanent grade..it's just the mid-term, but i am not happy. So far, (did i post this already, im feeling a sense of deja vu) I have a 4. in Math and English...no grade posted yet for my communications class (aka public speaking). I should have a 3.5 or higher. woohoo.

With the informative speech out of the way, our next speech up is a celbratory speech...Yeah, i left out the E and im too lazy to go fix it. Anyway, it can be a eulogy, acceptance speech, speech to honor someone, dedication, etc....Not sure what I am going to do yet, but dang, he told us about this at the very end of class and it's due monday. At least it should be a fairly easy one, as no research is needed and it only has to be 1.5-2mins in length. He is having to shave speeches down because we are running out of time.

Both kids are sick with colds. They seem fine during the day except for occasional coughs. ANd so far tonight, they are both quiet. I've mostly been letting nature run it's course. I only give medicine if the coughing gets out of hand.

Last night, I took my sister out to Olive Garden for her bday. No, i didn't have the money to do it, but she has been so down in the dumps lately and after reading her myspace bulletin about going out alone friday night...i had to do something. After reading her bulletin, i sobbed. I felt like such a loser. I should've called her and invited her out or something...but her bday wasn't until Sunday and I knew she had a bachellorette party this weekend for a friend. Oh well, we had a good time last night. She has been sooo gloomy lately. They have her husband's elderly aunt living with them. Well, Aunt Helen is no longer able to do anything for herself and she can't be left alone. All the siblings promised to help and blah blah..but guess who's left holding the bags? It's taking it's toll. Carrie has always been a busy body, going places, doing things, very social, etc. now, she is confined to home and can't leave most of the time. It is rather sad. She did finally put her foot down and told the one brother that she and ralph are going up north for thanksgiving and they will need to figure out who is sitting/caring for Aunt Helen for those days. They are newlyweds and can't even do anything together. For almost any family function, one has to stay home to be with her and that means Carrie does a lot of things by herself. She has been spending a lot of time crying and just looks/acts sad and miserable. I'm honestly worried about her. She used to be so full of life and energy and just had a fire about her. it seems to have all died out.

Jeremy gets his bonus (profit sharing) check the day before Thanksgiving. I can't wait. That covers Christmas and this year, it should be a hefty sum. So, hopefully we can put some money in savings and get straightened out. I hope. I pray. Something has to give. I am working so hard to try to make a better life for us, but heck, we can't even really afford the gas money for me to get back and forth to school. Not to mention the constant nickeling and diming from the car. Must push forward. Remember, I plan to look back on all of this some day and laugh.

I just had to write a paper in English on my philosophy of life. Hah. He wanted it to be a page and a half. how can you condense such a deep topic into a page and a half? So many thoughts go into my philosophy on life. So much is important to me and life is so complex. But, i managed to shave it down to a measely page and a half. And I finally decided what my research paper for this class would be on...postpartum depression. That was the topic of my informative speech and i figured it would work well for the research paper, bc he wanted us to choose something that would relate to our career choices. That relates, I have already done some research(need to be a bit more extensive for this paper, though) and i have plenty of experience on the topic. Whew, that's out of the way, now.

School sure is keeping me busy. The next item up is my World Religion Report. We were supposed to do them last thursday, but ran out of time. So, we are doing them this thursday. I am done with mine, obviously, but was thinking that with the extra week, I would do some sort of visual aid. Let's see if i have time. i want to, bc i really want to get that stupid 3.0 up to at least a 3.5. I have never been so darn competitive about something in my life. geesh. Tomorrow, I meet with my partner for our Culture Project. I have this tiny little feeling that I will be stuck doing most of the work. For one, this girl has poor grammar. I will certainly not put my name on a paper that includes all kinds of punctuation errors, spelling mistakes and just all out poor grammar usage. Blah. i have read a few of her papers, that she has turned in, mind you...and wow, they are scary. I am quite sure that the average 8th grader could produce better work. So, yeah, I will surely be left to carry most of that load. But, thanks to Helen, the work load won't be nearly as bad as it could have been. You are sooo appreciated!

Well, it's time to wrap this up..i need sleep some time!

Vicks Vaporub, transportation and other tidbits, im sure

First things, first. After reading my blog about Makenneh coughing violently all night, my Aunt Bev emailed me something she had received in an email. To be honest, when i saw the subject "vicks vaporub", i really thought "Oh, no! It wasn't such a good idea that i used it on her....Aunt Bev is emailing to warn me of some danger...." But, instead, it was email (yeah, i already said that) about a different use for that stinky stuff. When you have kids (or adults) who are hacking the night away...rub some vicks on their feet before bedtime, put socks on them and voila! No coughing, peaceful sleep. it sounded far too good to be true, but hey, what would it hurt? So that very night, before bed, i slather her feet in the stinky goo and put socks on her. She goes to sleep without so much as a cough. Still skeptical, thinking maybe it was a fluke. But, who wants their baby hacking their brains out all night? So, i did it the second night...same thing. PEaceful, cough-free sleep. Well, earlier tonight i had given her some medicine bc she was stuffy. I forgot to do the vaporub before she fell asleep. didn't take me long to remember. She was hacking horribly. So, i just put the stinky goo on her feet while she slept and covered her feet in socks. IT has been about 20 mins and the coughing has seemed to cease. Woohoo! THank you, Aunt Bev for sharing this info and I am going to pass it along to the rest of the world. It is a miracle cure for that nasty nighttime cough. Oops, she did just cough...but the bouts are getting further apart...so it seems most beneficial to remember this before sleep.

2nd and probably last thing bc my cursor is doing that "moving far slower than i type and driving me batty" thing. Jeremy has to have the car tomorrow to have a meeting with his boss. So, i am without car and have class at 1pm. Very stressful. I was unsuccessful at finding a ride to scchool thus far (I am leaving typos bc damn it takes too long for this cursor to catch up to my typing). IF i haven't figured something out in reasonable time before class, i will call my instructor and beg him to have mercy on my "everything is going to hell in a handbasket" soul. Please wish me luck, say a prayer, something.

Ok, 3rd thing...bc what the heck....My sister called me this am and asked if i wanted to go to church w her. Well, that's a loaded question. I Couldn't say no, bc well, God would hear that. I didn't exactly want to say yes either. NOt because i am opposed to going to church, but bc my stranger anxiety kicks in and isn't it just so much easier to stay home, where i am comfortable? SHould i really go mingle with ppl i dont know? And face it, when we need to be in church most, is when we feel the least like going. So, i agreed. Makenneh went with us and she went down ot the Junior Church room while we stayed up for the service. She enjoyed herself. I felt so so about it. One thing about being a guest at a church, is I always feel as though the preacher/minister/pastor assumes that bc I am not a memeber, i mustn't be saved. It is a very wrong assumption. I accepted Christ as my Savior many many moons ago. And while i can be quite the heathen at times, I Honestly did grow up in church. I KNOw God and I believe in the Word of God. Don't get me wrong, the people were very kind and welcoming. The sermon just kinda felt very "pushy" to me. Perhaps i am a somewhat lost soul, or maybe it's part of my great grandfather (my paternal gma's father) coming out in me. LOL. In doing my research for my presentation for last thurs, i learned that he believed in God but not in church. And, i guess, that's kinda how i feel. I Understand the whole concept of church and why it is important and the role it plays in your religious life. However, more often than not, it tends to make me feel more crappy about myself after attending...and i just don't know that that is productive. I know that I fall short of the Glory of God...but attending church makes me feel like it's almost unobtainable....i can't think of the words. Then, there is the whole issue of judgement. I feel like when a bunch of ppl get together to worship on Sunday (or wahtever their day is), it is a breeding grounds to pass judgement on those who either don't believe or believe differently. I dislike that aspect. I believe that God loves everyone and that HE prefers we leave teh judging to him. Anyway, i could probably go on more about this...but maybe i just have to admit to being a heathen and not finding church as pleasurable now that I am older and not as naive to the world around me. I am not holier than thou..i will never be,, nor do i want to be. I also don't want to be around others who emanate this sort of attitude. For me and my house, we will worship the Lord...but we will do it from our home, most likely. I may start going more often for teh kids' sake bc i do think it is important for kids to learn about God in a church setting. I do know taht I am not nearly knowledgable enough to teach them all that they need to know about God and Jesus and it's actually quite confusing to try...We will see. I MAy also try out a few diff churches until i find out that better fits my needs.

Anyway, that's my rants for this evening.

And lastly, but definitely not least....Today marked the 3rd anniversary of my Aunt Dawn's death. I Can't believe it's been 3 years. Although, on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime since I Was able to call her up and talk about everything and anything, even at 2am. A lifetime since I was able to run the roads with her, play board games all night, have dinner with her, anything. And I did very well today...until now. THe homework is set aside, kids are sleeping, house is quiet and i am left alone with my thoughts. So many times, i get frustrated over things ...like needing a ride to school for instance...and i think..if she were here, it wouldn't be a problem...she would take me or let me use her vehicle. Or when the kids have me fit to be tied...if she were here, i could call her up just to talk. When im having a bad day and nothing is going right..i used to be able to call her up and she would lend an ear..or stop by and she would lend a shoulder...a hug...She had a very soothing way about her. She always listened, was always there. And now she's not.

Family Chain

We little knew that morning, God was going to call your name, In life we loved you dearly, In death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, You did not go alone. For part of us went with you The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories, Your love is still our guide, And though we cannot see you, You are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, But as God calls us one by one, The chain will link again.