Well, I finally broke today while on the phone to my mom. I told her that maybe i needed to go to the hospital. I was sobbing so hard, she could barely understand me. She told me i needed to call my doctor, which i asked her if she would bc i could barely talk. So, she took me this morning and the doc gave me a new rx for my pills and made me promise to go back in to my counselor. I also have to go back to see my doc in 2 weeks. He asked how long I had missed work and had the receptionist write an excuse for this time i have missed due to major depression issues. He also put me off until Nov. 9th. That should give me enough time to get the pills in my system again. He said that this is something im going to deal with for life. it's not going to go away and i need to stay on the meds. I know this, but like i told him, i hate the hassle of getting the refills. I get a case of the "fuck its" and just don't do it. I know most of you are thinking...getting a Rx refilled is easy. Yes, for someone with balanced chemicals in their head. It's a major task for me. Especially when, it never fails that they are always due for refill when i don't have a car. THat makes it an even bigger pain in the ass. He also reminded me that the steps I am trying to take are huge and im taking them by myself for the most part. My mom's side of the family has huge co-depency type issues and just overall unhealthy relationships. I have to fight to overcome those and seperate myself from that way of thinking. Sort of like a reprogramming. But it's hard when im surrounding by those who are set in these ways. The other th ing about depression is those who don't suffer from it simply don't understand it. It's not a bad day, feeling blue when your loved pet dies, or having a bad hair day. It's so much more than that. it's easy for the outsiders to say...why doesn't she just get over it, or why doesn't she just cheer up. If it were that simple, well depression wouldn't exist. When I get in these funks, i know that i need to get out of them, but i just can't do it. i know everything i need to do to be healthy, but i can't bring myself to do it. And while I would never blame my depression on my kids, having 2 toddlers simply doesn't help the problems. They add to it. They don't understand that mom is having a hard time and in fact, they sense that mom is wired and stressed and at her wits end and they act up more. Im really thinking about seeing my aunt will take the kids for a few days for me. I need a few days reprieve. To myself. Peace, quiet and nothing to get in my way. I can rest up, let these pills start working and get back to feeling like me again.
Well, my mom invited me to dinner with her and my aunts and uncles tonight. They are going for a bday dinner for my mom. Her bday was the 29th. Which, to tell you how much of a funk i was in, i didn't even blog about it. The day of her bday, we went to lunch at a chinese buffet. Then we went back to my parents' house and had homemade orange sheet cake with homemade orange frosting (mom's fav flavor is orange). I was a bit grumpy that day but struggled hard to just put on the happy face for mom's day. Anyway, she suggested I leave the kids home wiht jeremy and go with them. So, i think im gonna do that. I could use a few hours out of the house without kids. And I think I will even treat myself to an adult beverage. =) maybe 2. LOL. I feel guilty for leaving hubby and kids behind, but ya know...sometimes we need a break. ANd I am one of those ppl who obviously need more breaks than the average person. i have to realize and accept this. As long as I continue to play super-being I will continue to run into these ruts.
Well, that's the low down on what has been going on here. Just thought I would update.
Thanks to you, Helen and Julie, for hearing me out and offering encouragement! It means a lot to know that ppl care!
5 comments:
Christina, there are many of us that do understand. I've tryed a few times to express myself thru blogging, but due to some extremely hateful comments, and hurt feelings, I've erased my blogs. The last one was not meant for the eyes that found it. I was called a whiner among other things. At least bi-polar people get to have some highs! We the manically depressed only get the lows....Hell i'm happy if i feel even! Take care, Chris
Depression is soul destroying in that there sn't anything to 'cure' it...excet working with the cause while taking the meds to balance things out. I am 'lucky' in that my depression was caused by events, more than chemical imbalance, so althought it took me a very long time to do it properly.....it is so important to take those meds and not skip, even for a day, when you think it can take up to 4 weeks to get into your system and work properly but it can leave the system much more quickly, when you skip you screw your whole balance out again.
Won't Jeremy take responsibility for refilling? Is there no sytem where it won't be hard, can you refill a month before it runs out so you get that leaway ? I so hope you can start to feel well very soon.
Helen, the problem is, I hate to let others help me. I want to do everything myself. Like my doc said today, I have to let others help me. I am going to assign the responsibility of refills to Jeremy, i think (really hard to just let go..lol). As far as refills, Medical ins doesn't cover it until exactly the day that it is to be refilled, so i can't do anything early. That sure would make things easier. When I go back to the doc in 2 weeks for a check up, IM gong to ask him to write a year's worth of refills, so that I don't have to go to him first, cutting out one of the steps to getting the refills.
Anyway, i was interrupted to put the floor lamp together and have totally lsot my train of thought....lol.
I'm so glad you went to the doctor. Good idea to have Jeremy refill your medicine. And don't feel bad about your husband (or your Mom or your Aunt or anyone that loves you!) helping you out. Especially to help you get your medicine refilled.
Maybe your doctor could give you a sample (even a small one) so you'd have a window of time to get a refill? Sometimes insurance companies are a pain in the ass!
I hope you feel better soon.
Take care. :)
Just checking in on you. I hope you are doing well.
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