A refreshing kinda day

This is the picture of the church with the carriage out front, right after the wedding. Doesn't it just look like something from long ago?? postcard perfect?

This is the entire wedding party...the pics are small bc that's how they saved from her myspace.
Look at these boots! Aren't they just georgous?

Introducing the new Mr. & Mrs Ralph and Carrie!!!!!!

I copied these pics from carrie's myspace and she had left this one as is..and i forgot to edit before posting...but you certainly can see just how cute my little Makenneh is! She loved being the flower girl!

Wow, these pics uploaded fast...of course, im doing 2 at a time. Anyway, this one is my sis, my brother and I. My brother was in the wedding too, so you can see what the guys were dressed in....western dress shirt, black dress pants and a bolo tie. Very simple. And that dress was designed by my sister, herself and made by our Aunt Bev! They both did an amazing job! I can't believe that A. Bev took some sketchings carrie drew and was able to make that dress into a reality!

Also have to note that my mom did all the flowers, including makenneh's halo and flower girl basket. She did a great job!


This is the pic of my dad walking sis down the aisle. It was so beautiful bc dad and carrie rode up on a horse and carriage and then entered the church...those doors behind them lead right into the sanctuary from outside....so they literally got off the carriage, walked up the steps and into the church.

And now onto my blog post (which actually was written before the pics were posted!)
I don't know what the temp reached today, but it wasn't even 80 i don't think. It was chilly. Or maybe, it's that after all the heat we had last week, this feels cold. At any rate, I left the house in shorts and a tank top and was quickly wishing I had worn long sleeves and pants. I got to go grocery shopping with my mom sans kids. It was so nice. And the best part is, i have a baby shower on the 11th (which is also my bday). I dread all these showers as I am sooo broke. But, i found a cute little outfit on clearance for $4. Can't beat that. And I have a picture frame for baby's first year to put with it and I also picked up a bib and travel wipes case (that were both clearanced to .50 each). So, i got a real good deal! I'm not going to the shower, but i figured I would send a gift, as it's jeremy's cousin. Not that we ever see these ppl at all, but oh well.

My brother is having a bon fire for me on my bday. WE figured that seems how we have my uncle's wedding celebration (they got married at the courthouse and are having a bbq to celebrate), that we would go to that at 3, when it starts, then later, go to my brothers and have a little party/bon fire. And to top it off, my sis called this weekend and said that she would take me out for drinks on friday night. Sounds good to me.

I get to go get my books for college this wed. I can't wait. Having the books in my possession will make it seem all that more real. There is a twinge of me that is nervous. I have been out of school for a long time. In fact, our 10 yr class reunion is next year! But, i know that I will do fine and it will be a lot of fun!

Well, i have some wedding pics and am gonna try to post a couple..Of course, they will post at the top and that's right where im going to leave them..it's just easier. Anyway, take care!

Yeah, im still here

I haven't had anything interesting to say. So, i've said nothing. Still really isn't anything to say, but thought I would at least say something to let everyone know i haven't disappeared. The weather has been hot and muggy so we have been staying in where it's cool. Of course, the kids don't seem to mind the heat and humidity. If they had their way, they would be outside all day. But, momma can't hang out in that heat like they can. I get sick to my stomach. So we go out for a lil bit at a time, coming in to cool off for a bit.

The weekend is almost here. No plans, just staying home. Well, i usually go to my parents' house one of the days, but that's it.

Oh i do have a funny story to share. So, i called one day last week to get a house phone turned on. I then called aol to set up internet. Well, they said i had to have a disc to install their program. Now, normally there are aol discs everyone, getting them in the mail all the time, at the checkout lanes in the stores, etc. Well, wouldn't you know that i could not find a disc anywhere. I hadn't recalled receiving any in the mail recently and of course, if i had, i would have tossed them. So, i called several family members in search, bc someone just had to have a disc laying around, right? Wrong. I call aol back, tell them i cannot find a disc, they told me, for about the 3rd time that the discs are available at walmart, blockbuster, etc etc. So, i had my mom check at walmart. Guy said that they were out. I had my aunt check at blockbuster, they were out. I called kroger, they were out. Grrr. I call aol back. This is like day 3 of having an internet account with no way to use it. I was so frustrated. So i tell aol that i have been to all these stores and nobody has any so just cancel my account. So, account canceled. I figured i would wait to get a disc to set up an account rather than pay for a service i can't even use. The next day, i go with mom and had her stop at kmart....they only had netzero discs....so i grabbed one. Came home, jeremy set it up for us. So, we ended up with netzero. Then, yesterday, i had my aunt run to me to store, she brings me a disc her sister had found while moving (aol). That same day, i check mail, there is an aol disc in there. Then today my cousin called and he has a disc now. Wouldn't it just figure? I still might switch to aol. not sure. but i lose connection all the time with netzero.

Anyway, thats all i have for now. its real late and im real tired....

A few pics

Welcome Kaden Matthew! Isn't he just a doll?

Here's Makenneh holding her first baby cousin!!!! She just adores him! doesn't ever want to let him go!

And here is a pic of my sis on her wedding day. We were at the salon getting our hair done. After hers was done, she laid down on the floor to catch a few winks! I had to get a picture of it, bc it was too darn funny! Thankfully we were the only one's in there at the time! I have to mention that this salon is absolutely beautiful. You can tell that it was once an old house and they maintained a lof of that structure. The bathroom still has a tub in it, the kitchen is still in tact, etc. The way they decorated it is absolutely neat! For instance, for curtains, they bought yards of various, matching fabrics and cut them in strips, then tied them around a nice rod. Very neat!

Im sure it's going to take forever and a day to upload a few pics with dial up. Hopefully I have the patience to wait.

Anyway, i don't really have any wedding pics to share, bc these are just the ones from my very crappy camera.

Wow, so far, it's been 20 mins to upload 3 pics...whew. You can bet i won't be doing this often. LOL.

Ok, so it took 25 mins to upload. I was starting to get impatient. i was just about to cancel it when it went through. Glad i hesitated.

I will eventually post more pics, perhaps just one at a time. Matt and Sara got his newborn pics back and im sure I will get one. I will definitely scan it in to share. I usually prefer their hospital pics to be in the white tshirt bc it's sooo newborn looking. But, my brother and sara put Kaden in a UofM (our college football team) onesie and used a U of M blanket as the background. He also had a uofM hat on. It is soooo cute! Yes, as you can guess, my brother is a huge Michigan fan! The baby got a lot of Michigan stuff...i diaper bag full of Michigan baby things like rattle, pacifier, bibs, sippy cup, etc, they also got a Michigan baby mobile and tons of MI clothes! Thats just what i can think of off the top of my head. Hope he turns out to be a Michigan fan and not a State fan, eh? LOL.

Today was quite hot, although I didn't have to deal with it much. I turned the air conditioner on as soon as i woke up. it kept it comfortable in here. It did start to get a bit warm later in the evening, but i think the humidity increased later this evening as well. Jeremy heard 104* for tomorrow, but my cousin heard 96*. Either way, it's going to be quite hot! Im leaving the air on over night and hopefully we can survive the heat!

So, hope everyone getting this heat wave stays cool and that's all I have for now!

Escape

I want an escape. I want to run. This has been a day from hell. Pure hell. The kids do not listen. I spend my entire day getting after them. I am burned out. And it seems any nice thing i try to do for them gets turned into an ordeal. I let Makenneh go play with her friend...when it came time to come home, she acted a complete fool right there in front of her friend's mom. I was mortified. She sat there in the pool, refusing to get out, sticking her tongue out at me. It took every ounce of restraint to not get in that pool and yank her out not so nicely. She was invited to come back tomorrow and swim, but I think she will be staying home, most likely in doors for the day. I hate to keep her from her friend, but she has to learn that she doesn't act that way. She is so argumentatative and bossy and all out disrespectful. If they had boot camp for 4 yr olds, she would certainly be there. I hate that i cannot enjoy these kids. I spend my days tense and frustrated and ready to just run. I think tomorrow I am going to clear her bedroom of all toys and take her movies away and as she behaves, she can slowly earn them back. maybe she has to be stripped of everything to realize that I am the parent, I am in charge and she will listen and do as told and have respect. I absolutely dread being here all day with these kids. I would rather have a root canal or walk on glass. I know it sounds awful, but this blog is for me to vent and that's what I'm doing. It is 10:40pm and both kids are still awake, bouncing around. I have yelled, i have swatted, I have placed down for bed. Still they go. It's probably good that I don't have a car right now, bc im almost sure i would be in it and long gone.

Then, to save money, we have been rolling our own cigarettes (I know, we should just quit, but easier said than done). Well, Jeremy sat here all damn night at the computer desk, with the stuff to roll cigs and didn't roll a one. He must expect that i should sit up all night rolling him enough for work tomorrow, while tending to kids. Well, he will be surprised come morning. Im not a freakin cigarette rolling machine.

Oh and it's my month to host bunco. well, it wasn't originally, but we had an open month and i volunteered. My mother in law said we could use an empty apartment at the complex she lives/works in. Well, last week they cut her hours almost in half and she thinks they are trying to get rid of her, so she said she isn't asking them for anything, so I have to find somewhere else to have bunco. My place is just too small and the floors are bad and jeremy never seems to find the ambition to fix them (another vent in itself). I just long for the day when i have a decent home to entertain company in and a decent car to drive and spare money in my pocket.

Ok i really have to stop now bc the more i type the more infuriated I become. Not to mention, i just know that everyone doesn't want to hear all my gripes. Even if this is my blog. Who wants to read all that depressing crap?

What are those blotches??

I so miss my cable internet. This dial up tests the very patience of even a saint. I have no patience to start with. So just imagine my frustration! And if i had cable, I would take a picture of Makenneh's stomach to show you the blotches she woke up with this morning. WE couldn't figure out what they might be. I thought maybe mosquito bites, bc both my kids welt up from mosquito bites. But, these were huge. Like the size of a silver dollar or larger...and welted. Well, I called my aunt to see if she could stop by bc my mom is out of town as of today. (That figures...lol). After even further inspection, the welts have a hardness and warmth to them as well as a "puncture" or bite spot. They look and seem like bee stings. But this girl has about 5 of them on her. It seems strange that she could be stung 5 times and not cry. 'Tis a mystery! But I do know we have bees around here like no other!

Today was a lazy day. I slept and/or laid around for most of it. I haven't felt my best in the last couple of weeks. It started with my period. The endo has to be out of remission bc i spent a good 4 days mostly in bed, in pain. Once I got over that, I got a lovely migraine which lingered for a few days. Even today, i felt the nagging pain in my head. Of course the ugly depression has its grips on me as well. Being stuck here, without a car and broke as broke can be leads to endless bouts of depression.

My brother called today. it's funny but since becoming a dad, he has called many times, just to chat. Anyway, i was telling him how aunt Missy more or less invited her and my uncle over for my bday (which is aug. 11 and falls on a saturday this year..woohoo) for margaritas. He asked if that's what i really wanted to do for my bday. I said, well, it doesn't really matter. Mom, sis and I are having a yard sale that weekend as well, which i don't mind, bc well, face it: we are broke and it's not like I will be doing anything exciting. Sis said we could do a cookout or something that day, while manning the yard sale. Fine by me. I really am easy. Well, my brother said Yeah that sounds good, then maybe have a bon fire that night. Then, he says, Hey, my pole barn is cleaned out now so we could even do it here if you wanted. So, it now has been decided that we will have a cookout/party at my brother's. So, i will just tell mark and mis about this and invite them along. Better for me to get out of this trailer for a change. I spend every day couped up in here. And, seems how it is my day after all, i get to pick what happens, right? I really do, don't i? LOL. Great! Then how about a week away...in a hotel or cabin, near the water with someone else to clean up and meals made for me and days spent lounging in or near the water? C'mon, it wouldn't be that difficult. My state is surrounded by water on 3 sides..i wouldn't need to go too far! LOL. Yes, i could use a vacation. I have even romanced the idea of hitching a ride up to my gma's all by myself. No hubby, no kids. Just get away and have some peace and quiet. I feel bad even putting that in black and white. it sounds so selfish. But, the inner being in me is screaming out: I am a woman. A human being! I am not just mom and wife and daughter. I am more. Really, i am. There is more to me than dirty dishes and mounds of laundry and endless vacuuming and dirty diaper changes and wiping butts and cooking dinner. There is a woman who likes to go places, do things, get out, let my hair down, enjoy an adult beverage or even 7. who likes to laugh and have a good time, who enjoys painted finger nails and getting a hair cut and oh how I'd love to have highlights in my hair! But, i guess for now, I am stuck here. Stuck sounds so horrible. But, literally, I am, short of begging and bumming rides, stuck is what i am. But, have no fear. Something good has come of all of this. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to stand up and fight. If nothing else, this spot I'm in has motivated me to do something. I finally got the fire under me to get my ass back in school. And that has given me back some hope. It has given me the realization that it doesn't have to be this way. That there is more out there for me. I just have to go get it. You know, it's kind of ironic, but really, I think I had it too easy growing up. It sounds funny if you think about how I grew up, in that money was very tight and we didn't have much money. But, that wasn't the point. The point is, mom busted her ass to see to it that we never went without. We always had what we needed and more one way or another. She never let us know just how tight money was, how hard she has to pull to keep the ends met. Add to that the fact that everything came easy for me as far as school. I have never had "fight" for anything i needed or wanted. it has all just come to me. And so, I don't know how to fight. I never had to learn. Now, here I am, almost 27 yrs old with no fight in me. So, to those of you who have had to fight and fight hard, had to overcome huge hurdles, just remember that those things have made you stronger and instilled a sense of hard work in you. It isn't exactly best to have everything come to you. Those obstacles make you stronger and able to fight for what you want/need. I guess the best is to find the happy medium. If there is such a thing. My other problem is probably just simply accepting everything as is. Not having the desire for more, for bigger, for better. Now,i want more! I am sick of settling. So, here I go! better late than never, right?

And while I'm busy analyzing things and doing my soul searching and all that jazz, let me tell you something that I really came to realize. it even ties in. I never knew just how damn good I had it growing up, until I sat and listened to my teen cousins tell of the horrors they deal/have dealt with in their homes. Add to that the whole Desiree drama. I never had to worry about dad not coming home or that my parents would get into huge fights, that my dad would snap and hit me with a closed fist. I never had to fear my dad. I never had to be subjected to verbal or physical abuse from either parent. I never had to deal with favoritism and being on the short end of the stick. I never had to doubt that I was loved. Sure, i did my fair share of telling my parents that I hated them and they were just trying to ruin my life and how could they love me bull crap. And boy do i feel like a fool now. If i had known then what i know now, i would have never taken any of my childhood for granted. I never would have taken for granted that my parents put us kids first, that they made sacrifice after sacrifice for us kids. or that all 3 of us were treated equally. or that we were disciplined with love rather than anger and vengeance. Seems how i can't go back and show more appreciation, I have taken the time recently to let my parents know how grateful I am for my childhood full of security and love and harmony. And that's not to say my childhood was perfect, but after some of the things I have heard, it was pretty damn close!

I have more things on my mind. See what happens when I'm gone for so long? I go on and on and on bc so much has built up in my mind, with nowhere to vent. One thing troubling me is the things going over and over in my head in regards to my cousin being gay. Her dad told her that her grandparents are rolling in their graves bc she likes girls! ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME? I told her that if anything they are rolling in their graves bc of his behavior towards her. She is his daughter and he should love her for who she is, not who he wants her to be. Since she has admitted to having a girlfriend, she has been treated like a 3rd rate citizen, less than human. It is horrible. And this treatment comes primarily from her own dad. When they were out of state, he pinned her on the floor and screamed in her face that she won't like girls! WTF?! What good does that do? hell, living with a man like that, I would probably find men repulsive too! I want so bad to tell him that all he is doing is pushing her away and hurting her so bad. I really think a lot of his issues is not with her liking girls, but rather with the fear of how family will respond to it. Get over it. Your job as a parent is to love your children not worry about what others will think. His sister in law lives with her girlfriend. He has no problem with them at all. In fact, he always made comments about how cool it was and glamorized the whole girl on girl thing. I guess it's ok for everyone but his own kids. I just ask that anyone reading this say a prayer or do whatever it is you do that he will come to his senses and realize that no matter who she loves, she is still his daughter and he should love her irregardless. For me, as a parents, having one of my children admit they are gay is the very least of my worries/concerns. There are so many real things to worry about, to get upset about. Things that are actually detrimental to their well-being.

Well, i've ranted enough for one night. i need to get my aching body to bed. Take care!

I'mmmmmmmmm.........

BACK! Yes! You read that right! Where's the smiley that does back flips? There is so much I could type. I will start with saying that dial up sucks! but, not nearly as bad as having no internet at all! LOL. It took about 7 mins to get to my blog so i could post. So, with that in mind, it will take me some time to get caught up on your blogs. But, I promise I will do it! I have missed you so much!

The most exciting news to share is that I am all set to start College in Sept. I can get my books Aug 8 and I can't wait. I have my classes and my financial aid is in my account. Good to Go! First day of class is Sept 4!

Next is the birth of my nephew! I am now an aunt! Kaden Matthew was born on July 12 at 1:13pm via c-section. The C-section was scheduled even though Sara was only 37 wks bc she developed pre-eclampsia. They pushed to 37 wks. But, even 3 weeks early, little Kader bug (my nn for him) weighed in at 6lbs 13.5 oz and 19.5 in long. His apgar scores were 7 and 9. The 7 was bc he didn't wanna cry at birth at first. But, it didn't take him long to get the hang of that! He has a head full of dark hair and is just absolutely beautiful! And my brother makes me beam with pride! He is so awesome at this daddy business. He has no problem changing diapers, bathing, anything and everything...he does it with joy! And he loves the baby sling, missed using it while Kaden was on a biliblanket for jaundice (the blanket had to be plugged in, so it limited mobility while holding the baby). And boy did Sara bounce back great from her C-section! She is doing great as well!!!! I know you want to see pics of this beautiful baby, but I have to upload them. Tonight i am weary and ready to check in so i will have to post later!

The next exciting news is my sister is now Mrs. Ralf! LOL. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and everyone had lots of fun! Makenneh did wonderful as flower girl, although she did forget to drop the pedals. No biggy!

On a sad note, my cousin Desiree lost her best friend in a horse/car accident. Desiree's best friend was Crystal (12 yrs old). They bonded instantly and spent a lot of time together. They could relate to each other bc while Desiree's mom died and her dad ditched her, Crystal's gma had recently died and her dad is a dead beat at best, leaving home for months at a time, while mom had to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Well, the night of July 7th (same night as sis's wedding), Crystal took her horse to Desiree's house to see if she was home. She had 2 friends with her. One on another horse and one on a bike. They were going down a side road (which Crystal lived on), when a drunk driver came flying down the road. He was going so fast that his car kept bottoming out (est. speed was 65-70 in a 45 mph zone). The car bottoming out spooked the horse and he reared up. At that very moment, the car struck the horse, throwing Crystal off. Both Crystal and her horse were killed instantly, right there in front of the other 2 kids. The drunk got out of his car, went up to the other kids and asked, "Is she dead?" then took off through the woods. The kid on the bike took off for home and got help. The guy turned himself in the next day. He is still awaiting arraignment on the charges. Sadly, Crystal's mom had just made the last payment on her mom's funeral from the previous year. The community has come together and there have been benefits to help offset funeral expenses. AT first, the family was just going to have her cremated with no funeral/visitation bc of costs. But, ppl stepped forward and they were able to have a showing and funeral for her. They still opted to have her cremated bc the family has been planning to move out of state and want to be able to take her remains with them. I feel so bad for Desiree. I mean, i feel for the family too. But, Desiree has lost soo much in just a few years. I broke down crying and just kept asking God, "WHY?" How much can one little girl go through? What has she done to deserve all this pain?

On a lighter note, the summer has been ok. Makenneh has already started asking when she gets to go back to school! It must be so confusing to little ones to go to school, then have all this time off. She has also made a new friend. Audin (not sure how her name is spelled) lives across the street and down a couple lots. She is 4 and was born just a couple weeks after Makenneh. Of course, while this is nice, it comes with its own stress for me. For one, I'm not good at this stuff. Until now, Makenneh's "friends" have been either family, my friend's kids or classmates. So, now I have to deal with all the social graces which to be honest, im just not good at. Audin's mom, Tegan, had said that she has mon and tue off and Makenneh can come over. Well, it's hard to get kenneh to understand that she can't just waltz over there whenever she feels like it. I also don't want to intrude or have makenneh overstay her welcome or anything like that. And when Makenneh is there, Tegan feeds her, even. Agh, life was easier when we stuck to ourselves....lol. Makenneh also has taken to the two neighbor boys bc they catch her lightening bugs and have a puppy that they let her hold. She thinks that's just cool. So, we have been more neighborly with them as well. And makenneh hounds to go hold the puppy. She has no sense of boundaries or something. Don't know how to explain it. But, she figures if she wants something, why shouldn't she be able to get or do it.

Sebastian found a favorite word...NO! It is frustrating. For a long time, counting to 3 worked wonders with him. I would say 1 and he was on it, moving. Now, when i say 1, he says no. Grrrr. Thank goodness for those big beautiful blue eyes...lol. Oh and Makenneh writes mom now! It is so cute. She can't get her name down yet, though. She has done make and that's it. She's also learned how to play slap jack and we usually play several games a day.

Well, our car is still out of commission. We have to get something figured out before school starts, though. It is so depressing being stuck at home every day, relying on others to take us to the store and do any other errands we need to do.

Well, I have typed enough for now. The kids are fighting bed time so i need to help get them snuggled in as well as try to read some blogs. But darn if everything doesn't load so slowly!

It's so good to be back and can't wait to hear from everyone!

here for a min

Hey guys! just wanted to drop in and say hi. im at my uncles and using his laptop. its crazy,bc the keys are in different places....anyway, sister's wedding is this sat. we got everything under way for the most part. my dress fit almost perfectly. that made me quite happy.

My brother's gf is probably going to have the baby soon. She has preeclampsia and had to stay overnight in the hospital. they let her go home, on complete bedrest. she has to do 24 hr urine sample and take them to the hospital. depending on what they find, they may be inducing her soon. they wanted to wait til she is 37 wks so they are hoping her blood pressure and all is down. sara cant go to the wedding even. doc said absolutely not!

other than that, the kids are getting bigger every day. smarter too!

oooh ooooh btw, i signed up for classes the other day. i start college sept 4. jeremy is gonna try to go back as well. so excited. and i got an extra $1300 grant so that;s real helpful.

well, we gotta get going to take care of final wedding things. hope to be back up and running soon...looking into dial up. ill try to update again soon.

miss all of ya

Cooler temps

I have my brother's car for the moment and we are at my sis's again. So, thought I would take this time to post again! It is helpful having a car to at least get out of the house. I hate to see the car go...I am hoping we can get our fixed soon, but hope isn't quite enough these days. I finally started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel that my dad got me for Mother's day! I figure now is a good time to read of God's unconditional love and grace!

The temps are only in the upper 70's today. Much better than the mid 90s of a few days ago. It is actually comfortable outside now. And, i can sleep at night. Not last night, but the night before,i was so hot and sweaty that i couldn't sleep.

Well, i guess that's it for now....i may post again later.

Happy Father's Day

We are at my sis's for a father's day cookout. Yay, i get to use the internet. I don't know where everyone else is though...we were supp. to be here at 3 and we got here a half our past and still are first ones....lol.

Last night was sis's bachelorette party. It was pretty fun! Had plenty to drink and I only bought 3 of them myself. My mother in law actually bought me some and of course, we had tons of jello shots and some pudding shots!

Last time I updated while here at the farm, the kids had a blast, riding horses, 4 wheeler and all the other fun things to do! Makenneh didn't want to get off the horses or the 4wheeler!

Well, mom just showed up so im gonna get off here to go help with whatever.

Hope everyone's summer is going good! Mine is crappy, but such is life, eh. Hopefully things will start going better...still no car and still no net. So, til next time...take care!

quick update

Im at my sister's right now. We are working on wedding stuff and just taking a break right now, getting ready for lunch. It is hell not having internet. I am working hard at finding a way to get it back, along with getting the car fixed, etc. I will come on to update as often as possible. I do have net on my phone for a month, so i do get to read your comments. I haven't yet figured out if i can even access my blog via my phone...but as soon as i find out, i may be able to post!

Anyway, take care and miss you lots! Can't wait to be back!

FYI

My internet is acting up. Most likely, it's bc we are behind on our bill. There are times it will disconnect and i have trouble getting it to connect again. IT is typical for that to happen when your bill is late and/or you are behind. So, I don't know how much longer we will have internet at this point. If they shut it off, we will be without it for awhile, bc the car is a higher priority. So, if im gone for awhile, that would be why.

I am hoping that it stays connected long enough for us to have some extra money to send them bc to be honest, the internet (esp my blog and bz) is what keeps me from going completely stir crazy. I will be a mess if i am stuck here with no car and no internet. But, not much i can do about it without having some sort of windfall...bc we just don't have the money to sink into everything at once right now. I honestly have no idea how we got this far behind, but somewhere we did a weave when we should have bobbed and here we are. Well, i do know the biggest problems...we took out that high interest loan when we were house hunting bc the lender said that we needed more credit (can't think of the fancy jargon they use). However, upon opening the loan, it drastically dropped his score and now we have a payment to add in. Add to that that we shut off the house phone and got cell phones bc really, it is about the same price only this way, we each have a phone on us at all times. And of course, i was working and so we spent a bit more freely..then i wasn't working and well, it's just been downhill since. Pile on top o that, the fact that the car has been nickle and diming us to death, with one thing after another. So, we can never get a break to catch up.

I don't want to make this too long, bc the internet could go out before i gt to hit post. It will be connected, then without warning, disconnect and when that happens, i have a hard time getting reconnected. One time,it is just not gonna reconnect.

So, if i am not able to get back for awhile, please everyone take care! Helen, I hope you get settled into your new home and that all things go well for you and yours! Julie, I hope you and the family enjoy the summer off and that you get to have fun while the kids are out of school! Stay cool and stay safe, everyone! I will definitely miss all of you!

Boredom

Well, today went well, when you boil down. LOL. The kids really were good. Makenneh played for hours in her bedroom. Sebastian entertained himself well and even took a nap. Something he never does M-F. Hmmm. I asked Jeremy why they can't be that good on weekdays. LOL. I spent my day sleeping, for the most part. Trying to catch up on all that i missed through the week, i suppose. Plus, just kinda depressed and feeling yucky.

It was beautiful outside today, but the kids had no interest in going outside. I don't know why. Maybe we all have the blahs, i guess. 2 of my cousins, Steph and Kenny, are coming over tonight to stay the night. Sarah, one of my other cousins, is dropping them off and she said she would run me to the store. This is sooo a hassle without a car. And it wouldn't be so bad, but all my family lives in other, neighboring towns. I hate to bother them to have them run to the store. And im not used to having to think real far ahead, bc well, i have had my car and the store is not far away. So, if i forgot something, no big deal. Now it is a big deal. IT often means just going without. I will probably have to start walking to the store. I am just a tad leery doing that, bc this isnt the greatest neighborhood at all. a mile in the other direction and it's downright scary.

So, i have a funny story to tell. makenneh came up to me the other day and was holding her hair (kinda making pigtails, if you will). She said, mom, feel this side and this side. So i do. She said, this side is soft. This side is nappy. I almost lost it. It was so hilarious. Nappy seems to be her new word when referring to her hair. of course, i think she has to two confused...bc my idea of soft and her idea of soft are two different things. She will grab a bit of her hair and swear it is soft, when in fact, it is, well, quite nappy. LOL. she hate the hair brush. it's a fight to get it brushed most times. So, nappy it is.

Next weekend will be a fun one! Saturday night is my sister's bachelorette party! I can't wait. I don't do it often (although, lately,it seems to be otherwise...but really, it's not, folks), but sometimes I love to get drunk. I let 'er rip! When i say drunk, though, i don't mean, all out obnoxious, throwing up, rediculous. My idea of drunk is drinking to the point where you feel good and are just having a good time. I don't like to drink to oblivion. Never have. I like to feel at least somewhat in control. Have enough alcohol to be relaxed and not so much that im puking in the morning. I hate hang overs. LOL. But, mostly, i am looking forward to an all girls' night out.

Oh and guess what?! I found the pattern for the top I want. I had bought it, tucked it in a tote, and forgotten where i put it. My Aunt Bev had offered to make me a couple of them and asked that i bring the pattern to one of several family functions...i coulnd't find it and couldn't for the life of me remember what had happened to it. But, in rearranging the furniture, guess what? I found it. That's just one good reason to keep the furniture moved around...lol. Find things you never would have otherwise. hahaha. So, I will probably drop the pattern and the material in the mail (they live "up north") for her to work on when she has a chance. She is also making my sister's wedding dress. The only pattern is the sketch my sister drew up. Then, they took measurements of my sister and voila! She brought down a "prototype" made out of scrap material, and it was just beautiful. She is doing a great job.

Jeremy isn't liking the way the furniture is arranged bc the kids keep getting in the way of the tv. Ugh. It is impossible to avoid. They are 4 and 2 and this is a small place. YOu have to walk through the living room to get anywhere. I don't know what to tell him. HE seems to think it wasn't as bad before, but he just didn't recall, bc he hasn't had his xbox for a month and has it now. So, he has forgotten.

Anyway, i have sebastian whining at my feet...so i need to tend him. I will post more later, maybe.

Why?

I've been following the blog of Kristy Schwade. If you are unaware, her baby, Kaleb, is currently in ICU after suffering injuries from Shaken Baby Syndrome while left at daycare. Their story is sad. Every day, she updates with Kaleb's progress (and setbacks). My heart breaks for them. But her strength in God is uplifting. She manages to get through day to day. I don't know how she does it. Here's the link to her myspace where she keeps updates posted. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=34091583
I just don't understand how anyone could do this. I have suffered ppd, i deal with severe depression...i get highly aggravated with my children at times. But never, have I even thought of shaking them or causing them harm. It just saddens me to hear stories like this. How does one get to that point? Why don't they set the baby down and just walk away? It would be better for the child to be left unattended in a crib or pack & play for awhile than to stay and allow yourself to get to that point.

On a positive note, I had a great evening with Makenneh tonight! She sat on my lap and just talked and talked. OF course, one question was, "how did i get out of your tummy?". OH, the big questions. For now, we just told her that the doctors helped get her out. I don't know how long that answer will satisfy her, as she is very interested in the whole baby thing right now. She was telling me that she has babies in her tummy. Then she tells me that God has her babies and when she grows up and gets married, he will put them in her tummy. It's amazing how she talks about this. She also says that God will make her a husband!

I did a lot of work around here today. I rearranged furniture. Yes, in this heat and humidity, i was moving couches, loveseats, chairs and entertainment centers. But, the entertainment (ET from here on out) was blocking a majority of one window and i wanted to be able to get a good cross-breeze. It looks nice in here and opened it up a bit. It's not my arrangement of choice, but we have too much furniture in too small a place...so we have to make do.

I took a nap tonight. I was tired. I stay up far too late. I can't help it though. It's insomnia or something. My brain doesn't shut down til 12am or later. And until my brain shuts down, i can't sleep. But, the nap was nice. Of course, lil monsters kept coming in and then Makenneh hung out in my bedroom most of the time, playing with her kitty. But it was still relaxing and nice. She told me tonight that someone needs need to fix my car bc we need it. She misses running the roads and getting out of the house, too. I knew that was a lot of the problems this past week. WE are all used to going somewhere at least every couple days. Even if it's just to my mom's.

Jeremy is coming down with something. It started a few days ago. I think he ran a fever, but we never took his temp. but, boy did his skin feel warm. Now he has a scratchy throat, congestion and all that good stuff. He's quite miserable. of course, give a man a cold and they think they are dying.

I am going to contact my case worker monday morning and see if they can help me get the car fixed. I know they have programs for it...they were going to do it for the other car we owned. Hopefully it work out. Last time, we had such a hassle finding a place to give us an estimate and all. Only certain places will work with vouchers from the state. Then, there's the issue of getting the car to the shop to get the estimate. Jeremy's friend drives a tow truck, maybe he will be able to help us out. Otherwise, i don't know what we will do. Please say a prayer that this avenue works out for us. Because, otherwise, i see no way we will have the money to get it fixed anytime soon. And I need to get to the college to get my verification done. I did get a letter from the college that I will get about 1300.00 per year. Not a whole lot, but hopefully it will cover the costs of tuition and books. Otherwise, it will be a no go. Student loans are very hard to obtain and my credit is shot, so i doubt i would get one. I might only be able to go one semester a year. Gosh that will take me absolutely forever to get my degree. But, i guess it would be better than not getting it at all. I hope it works out bc i really want to do this. I can taste it. For the first time in my life, i can SEE myself reaching this goal. I can SEE myself as a counselor. I can FEEL it in my bones. I can ENVISION having financial security and a career.

Well, that's it for now. I could be back later, bc i had a late nap and could be up for awhile. The internet gets boring after i make my rounds.

Wow, it's friday

I didn't even realize it. I had to check my phone, which lists the day, date and time. It doesn't seem like friday. Mostly just because my days have all ran together with no real end or beginning.
I'm trying to think of who I can ask to come over so we can get Jeremy's check cashed and pick up a few things and even get the trash taken up to the dumpsters. It is too hot and too far to carry the stuff up there by foot. And the darn wagon is at my moms. The neighbor lady left her garbage can when she moved out. I'm thinking about grabbing it so i can at least put the trash out in that until someone is here and we can take it to the dumpster, bc it gets quite stinky, especially in this heat and humidity. And can't leave it sitting outside or the squirrels, cats and any other animals running around, tear into it. Trash...what has my life come to that i am blogging about trash...lol.

As far as I can recall, we don't have anywhere to go this weekend. That's right, no open house, wedding, shower, nothing. I feel like i must be forgetting something. But, either way, we have no wheels to get anywhere, so it doesn't really matter. LOL.

There really isn't much to blog about. I'm too irritated and grumpy.

Ready to Run

This being Holed up in this damn trailer is getting to me. The kids have been whiney, bratty, fighting, demanding, you name it. Every day, all day. Usually, i would break up the monotony by going to visit my mom or something. They would get a change of scene, i would get a bit of a break, bc gma has a huge plaything for the kids and a huge yard to run in, out in the country. Here, they have a patch of grass, little toys with which they are bored with, and it's wearing on us. Yesterday, i woke up with a migraine that just got worse as the day wore on. I had bunco, but it was hard to look forward to when my head was throbbing so bad i would have liked to drill a hole into my skull for relief. When i arrived at bunco, kathy gave me 2 motrins and that almost immediately alleviated the pain. I was able to relax and have a good time about half way through bunco. Then, i got home and holy Hell if the kids didn't wind up like 8 day clocks and go nuts. This morning, sebastian started off with being a cry baby. He hasn't stopped much since. Makenneh is being a mouthy lil brat. For instance, she had some pickles on a plate and a fork. When she was through, she tells me to put her fork in the sink. HELLO? She kept insisting that i do and do it now. I am at my wits end. The fork is still not in the sink and ill be damned if i put it in there. Then the kids are constantly yelling at each other, fighting over stupid stuff. I just want to run out of here.

i can feel my headache trying to come back...the stress and frustration doesn't help. I keep reminding myself to relax my facial muscles and jaw, bc in frustration, i tense them all up. But, it is just non-stop around here.

Oh how i want my car back on the road! Im ready to run!

A couple Pics, thanks to Julie!

Thank you Julie for telling me about emailing my pictures from my phone to my email box! Ahh, technology is so lovely (of course, it comes at a cost..and i will find out what that is come bill time..lol).

Anyway, here are two pics from Makenneh's end of the year field trip.

This is a picture from inside the train car. Makenneh sat with 2 of her friends, Estrella (in the middle, and Rachelle, by the window, can't really see her as well.) It was hard to get a pic of all 3 girls looking at the camera....lol. they were too excited!


This is a pic of makenneh on the kiddie horse/carriage type ride. She liked it more than this picture depicts.
I have more pictures i need to email myself, but it's a process, bc i have to type in my email addy and im slow at texting.

Makenneh's teacher stopped by yesterday morning to drop off her end of the year folder. Inside was all kinds of things...pictures taken throughout the year, including a pic of makenneh and daddy from kite nite, papers to work on throughout the summer, means for her to practice writing her name. It was so neat.

I woke up with a headache this morning..i felt like i had been hit by a Mack truck! I felt worse this morning than i did sunday morning after a night of drinking! Bleh! Hopefully i start feeling better soon. I would like to clean heavy duty around here, seems how i can't be distracted by a car sitting out front just screaming out to me to drive somewhere, anywhere! LOL.

Bunco is tonight. I can't wait. It was supposed to be next tues (we usually play the 2nd tues of the month) but the person hosting this month has her granddaughters' dance recital next tues. I am not complaining. Hopefully i do good again this month. Last month i got 1st place! Go me. Usually i get nothing.

It's chilly outside today and i haven't seen the sun yet. I had to shut all the windows and im still cold. I refuse to turn the furnace on. I can't believe that just last week it was around 90. And I think i got a cold from the weekend. Hanging out in the rain and being out all night, drinking, all that jazz..i think i caught a cold. But it was fun, for the most part. minus the part where a brawl, for lack of better word, broke out. It's always bound to happen if mark is drinking. Ppl who cannot handle their alcohol shouldn't drink it. I hate that ppl have to ruin the fun bc they have to start shit. I am a happy drinker. And I don't drink often. When i do, i hate to have the fun ruined by idiots.

and that brings me to this request...please pray for my uncle mark that he can resolve all the anger he has inside. he is such an angry person and it's just awful. He has been downright hateful towards his wife and kids more than he has been nice. I am quite sure more goes on than any of us will ever know and my heart absolutely breaks for those girls. They shouldn't have to live like that. Missy has a choice. she is an adult and she chooses to put up with his crap. Those girls don't get a choice. ~what's ahead, in blue, is the incident that happened saturday, summarized. Feel free to skip if you want. it's full of drama, to say the least.~
Saturday night, i lost any and all respect for her. She makes excuses for his behavior and she continues to place those girls in harms way by making them go home to him when he is in a drunken tyrade. NO mother should ever place their kids in harm's way. it's a mother's duty to protect her children and any cost. And it would be a cold day in hell before i would allow my husband/their dad to treat my kids the way mark treats those girls. the whole mess saturday started when he came up to markie and was poking at her. she asked him to stop. she was already upset with him bc he was drunk, acting a fool, flirting excessively with the young (18ish yr olds) girls there, disrespecting missy, yelling at her, etc. So markie didn't want him around her to begin with. sHe is old enough to see what he does. Well, after asking him several times, nicely, but firmly, to leave her alone and even saying, please, he kept up. So, to try to prevent a blow up, i put my arm around markie and told her it was ok to calm down. tHen i reached down and tickled her leg. This made her laugh. she leaned down on the bench laughing and i bent over and said something funny to her to keep her laughing. Well, mark assumed she was crying and jumped her saying, "what the hell are you crying for? blah blah" in a very mean tone. So markie got up and walked to the other end of the park. Mark followed right on her heels. She no sooner reached the other end and we hear screams. My blood boiled and i was filled with fear. Well, jeremy, mis and a couple others ran down there and by the time i got down there, there was a scene. I guess mark started yelling at markie and telling her that all of his marriage problems and all the family problems are markie's fault. Yep, she chose to be brought into this world, just to ruin his life. Sorry but its not her fault that he is a drunk, a womanizer, disrespectful, etc. Well, he kept saying these hurtful things to markie and our 17 yo cousin was nearby. He tried to get mark to stop and he wouldn't. Corey started in on mark and then i guess when he went to walk away, mark punched him in the back of the head, 3 times. by this time, my brother (who is a huge ox) tries to break things up. Mark started swinging at matt, so matt took him down and told him to just get the hell out of there. Mark was a freakin live wire. In the course of all the action, he managed to bite his brother, ken, kick my brother in the privates, choke my 16 yo cousin, kenny plus kicked him in the privates (left kenny hyperventilating btwn being choked and kicked in the privates). It was a mess. But, after we got mark out of there, all was well again. The girls were originally going to stay overnight in the camper with me, jeremy, matt and sara. Well, mark made missy come back to get the girls. They didn't want to go and we tried to talk missy into letting them stay. We were afraid of what mark would do when they got there..esp to markie. But, she kept making excuses and saying he wouldn't do anything to them, that she would hurt him, blah blah blah. The fact that you even have to consider that should speak volumes. Matt had a long talk with her how those girls deserve better than that and that while she has a choice to stay and put up with it, those girls don't. I think it mostly fell on deaf ears. Hopefully though, in the quiet of the night or something, she thinks about what he said. The good thing is, both girls have been talking to the school counselor. So, at least they have a trusted adult to confide in and talk to and get some help from. Even allana, who is only 11 yrs old, told carrie that he is just so full of anger. It's sad that his young daughter is able to notice this. but it's not really hard to see.

Well, that's it for now. I have to get cleaning. have a great day and i hope some of you are at least having some sun...it's cold and dreary here!

Bookmarks are back

I just reinstalled the newest version of firefox and voila! the bookmarks are back! I don't know what happened, but im glad they are back.

The kids are both sleeping and Im thinking of crashing myself. I am so exhausted!

Tired

What a long weekend. yesterday was my cousin's open house (graduation party). My brother let me use his car so we could get there. The party was at a park that has a large pond, more like a lake, with paddle boats, canoes, playgroud, fire pits and plenty of room to camp. You can rent the park for the night and that's what they did. So, we stayed overnight. It was fun for the most part, but some crap went down that i will post about later, bc well, im just too darn tired to think right at this time.

Jeremy did a "go back" or whatever you wanna call it...system restoration, i guess. So, i lost all of my bookmarks. I just tried bookmarking my blog page and it's not working. I don't know what the problem is. Grrr.

anyway, that's it for now...gotta get my bookmarks figured out!

My poor children will be scarred for life

I shouldn't even admit to this, but damn when the humidity is soo high and accompanied with high heat..i don't want to be fully clothed. So, here I am, in my bra. My children are going to need years of therapy to undo the damage this image has caused. Not to mention, their retinas are probably forever burned. But, im not dripping sweat! And that is nice.

So anyway, on to life. Yesterday i went to my mom's. From there, we went to my uncle's who lives right down the road. Well, gee, this is confusing...but hang with me here. My uncle mark and his family are staying with my uncle ken (the one who lives down the road from my parents). Well, when i got there, he jumps up from his seat at the table and says, im gonna go put your car up on the jack and check out the wheels to see why it's driving like that. So, out he goes. HE comes in moments later and says, YOU ARE NOT DRIVING THAT CAR HOME! He had me come out and see why. The tirod was almost broken right off. he could wiggle the tire back and forth several inches..and you can see the tirod barely hanging on. Even me, who knows very little about cars. So, he showed me that the bearing are bad as well, by wiggling the tire up and down (or it could be vice versa)...and it wiggled several inches. Horrible! I surely have had guardian angels riding with me in that car. IT was so bad that my mom got choked up and teary eyed thinking about what could have happened if that tirod would have snapped off while i was driving down the road.

The bad news is, we just don't have the money to fix it. It's gonna cost 149.00 for the parts. Then, we need 4 new tires too. AT least one, but really they are all bad. So, we are carless for awhile. IT sucks. I was so depressed last night, i just cried. I didnt' know how i would get makenneh to her field trip this morning and i felt like a big piece of shit parent. How could i keep her from her last field trip of her very first year of school? My dad went on first shift, so mom is home without a car all day as well, so no help there. Well, her friend kathy (who is my best friend's mom) stopped over and they were talking about my dilemma. Kathy called Tiffney (her daughter, my bf). Tiffney said she would drop us off at the park. I felt so bad bc with her busy schedule, we haven't talked in over a month. I hated that it took me needing something to get us in touch. I felt like such a heel and horrible friend. Well, anyway, i held out and decided to call my brother, bc he is out of work in time for me to use his car. So, it ended up that Tiff came and picked us up this morning, took me to my brother's where i picked up his car. Then she took Sebastian to my uncle's for me. What a great friend! and certainly a lifesaver. Or at least, a mommy saver. My brother is letting me keep his car tonight (they have 2 cars) so that i can go to the open house and wedding we have tomorrow. Thank goodness! Then, it will be a life without car for awhile. The very thought depresses me beyond belief. I see my hopes and dreams of going back to college wash down the drain, my need to get a job to get us through this financial mess, as we are going further in debt every month...it's all gone. Then, I read Helen's blog and I find strength. She has faced so much and remains so strong. She is such an inspiration! I love you, Helen...you are absolutely awesome! I just have to let go and let God. I can't continue to try to do this on my own. It is high time I cast my burdens on Him and have faith that He will see us through.

On a positive note, we did make it to the field trip. The bad news is, i forgot my camera. I felt so bad. I did use my camera phone to take some pics, but i don't have the means to upload those pics. Im gonna get ahold of my brother in law to see if he has whatever it is i need to upload the pics. I also gave my email addy to one of the mom's who was taking pics and she said she will email me pics. So when she does, i will be sure to post. Makenneh was awesome today. We had a good time. She isn't old enough to appreciate the historical aspect of the village, but she loved the animals and the craft tent and the train. OH and they have a carasoul there that is ancient. I can't remember exactly how old...but well over 100 yrs old. We rode on that. The tickets were 1.00 a piece and it just took one ticket per person per ride. She wanted to sit on the carriage part, which doesn't move up and down, so i was a bit bummed. That is, until the darn thing started and make my stomach flop. IT may be old, but that darn thing goes fast! I got sick to my stomach. We got off that and she wanted to ride the ferris wheel. Same thing..this thing is ancient. It's old and rickety and im fat. All i could think was that this thing would break and we would crash to our deaths. How lovely, eh? But, i bored...squeeze my wide butt through the small opening to enter the cage that they call a ferris wheel. SO, kenneh and i are sitting in this cage, and we go up one spot while they continue to unload and reload. Ugh. The thing rocked back and forth and jerked and whizzed. I called my mom. I told her what i was doing and that it was quite scary. I added that should i die, to tell everyone i love them. I said it more in humor, but im telling ya, the thought crossed my mind. Then, the worst part. We were finished loading and it started going....fast! Why must these old rickety things go so damn fast? I let out a bit of a screech. ONe would have thought that i was a kid on the largest roller coaster...at the top, ready to go down. I couldn't help it. Then, makenneh grabs my hand. Her face contorts and she asked if she could get off. ummm nope, sure can't. this thing is in motion. WE are along for the ride, like it or not. I told her it was ok. I told her that the only reason i let out a screech was bc it was making my belly flip and flop. she said hers was too. I can only imagine. I was sure i was gonna lose the contents of my stomach. I am not cut out for these rides. I get motion sickness. I just didn't think a ferris wheel that is over 100 yrs old could make me ill. I was wrong. I am certain i was green as we unloaded. I must say, we did end up enjoying ourselves after the initial shock. And after i figured we weren't going to crash to our deaths. But makenneh kept a tight grip on my hands. So, yeah, we had a great time. The best part was the train ride. The weather held off for us, we only got sprinkled on for a few mins. Of course, that was followed by sun and extreme humidity. But by that time, all we had left to do was go on the train ride. The train is made of cars that date back to as early as the 1800's. They have been restored and they maintain them all right on the premises. IT was pretty neat to learn that. The engine that hauled us was from a train that used to haul coal through the rocky mountains. Neat stuff. Of course, these 3 and 4 yr olds coulda cared less. It was a train..it went choo choo and that's all they need to enjoy! The cutest thing was, makenneh sat with two of her friends from her class. They sat together and enjoyed the ride. As i sat in the seat behind them, i had to notice that it was neat that in the seat in front of me was 3 little girls, all friends, and all from different ethnic backgrounds. Makenneh is caucasion, Estrella is Mexican and speaks fluent spanish and Rachelle is biracial. Her dad is white, mom is black. How beautiful that kids are so pure and innocent and free from the nasty stereotypes and racism. THey just see each other and kids. as friends. AS human beings. How nice the world would be if we all looked at life, at each other, through the eyes of a young child? There is so much to learn from young children, that's for sure.

On that note, i was reminded of the beauty of life, of motherhood, last night. i sat on the couch, tears stinging my eyes, and said to Jeremy, I give up. I can't do this anymore. And I swear that as soon as i said that, Sebastian, who was sitting in the chair, directly across from me, looked up from playing with his ball and blew me a kiss. I lost it. I knew that that was God reminding me that I must go on! I have 2 children who need me to pick up the pieces and keep going forward. I was reminded that it will be ok. It has to be. That no matter what happens, I have 2 little people who believe in me, who need me, who love me. IT was a beautiful moment!

Yeah, it's a long blog tonight. So much on my mind. It is nice to have somewhere to get it all out. A place to keep memories (for moments when i space out and forget to take cameras along on field trips), to keep reminders of the beauty of life, as well as reminders as to why I am done having children. lol

And speaking of more children...for the first time, since the vasectomy, i felt that longing...At our family picnic, my cousin's gf was there with thier newest baby. He is only 7 weeks old. I held him, fed him, burped him, snuggled him. I enjoyed him. For a moment, i longed to have my very own newborn again. But, i thought about how nice it was that i could eat him up, love on him, take in the newness that is newborns, and send him home. I don't have to be up every few hours to feed, i don't have to worry about somehow ruining him for life, i don't have to deal with anything...just hold him and send him back! Nothing more! It was nice to say, here mom, you can have him back now! And i could go about my business.

Well, my eyes are begging to have my contacts pryed off of them and soaked. So, i am off here to put the good ol glasses on for the night!

hot, painful and boring

That sums up the day thus far. We aren't doing too bad in here, yet. I have the fan going and trying to keep the sun out. Earlier i went out and weeded my flower bed and around the porch, etc. Big mistake. I am now in major pain from AF. I forgot what it's like to have these severely, almost debilitating periods, as i hadn't had them like this in so long. I have to remember that i can't over do it when it's that time of month. The good news is, my period came early this month (by a week), thanks to hanging out with family members on theirs..it seems to get me every time..lol. Anyway, this means, i shouldn't be on my period for sis's wedding, which is a blessing! I was not looking forward to being hot, bloated and miserable for her wedding. Now i just have being hot and miserable to look forward to...lol.

Im not looking forward to dinner tonight either. The only thing i really have to make for dinner involves using the oven. Ugh! Oh well..gotta eat!

Well, im off here for now.

Finally cut the jungle

That was growing in our yard. Our mower isn't working and with all the rain we have gotten, it was about knee deep. I couldn't let the kids out in the yard bc the mosquitos were abundant. But, we borrowed mom and dad's mower today and cut it. We fought over who would get to mow. LOL. I said i didn't mind mowing, he said he would mow...we went back and forth in friendly banter. I asked him why he never fights me over who gets to do the dishes. He said i could win that fight. Gee, thanks. LOL. I won the mowing too! I beat him to it! He did a couple swipes, but i took it back over. Now, we have nice short grass again! No more white trash yard! Well, except for all the kid toys in the yard. LOL.

I took makenneh to the doctor today~! So glad i did. He walked in and before he even got real close to her, said, "that's not poison ivy. Poison ivy is a weepy rash. It's most likely contact dermatitis." He asked if she has any other symptoms, so i told him she had complained of a sore throat saturday, she had felt mildly warm, but nothing that prompted me to get the thermometer. He said well it sounds like it may be viral then. He looked in her throat (and boy did she gag) and ordered a strep culture, which came back positive! So, she has strep! And that's one of the side effects,if you will, to the virus. One way her body is dealing with it. So, he gave me a Rx for penicillan and benadryl (thankfully bc i really didn't have the extra money to buy any right now). She is such a trooper. She doesn't like the penecillan but takes it anyway! She says, I not like that stuff. I can't believe how "normal" kids will be when they are sick. She was all hyped up today as if nothing was wrong. The sad news is, she can't go back to school until friday and well, their last day is Thursday. They have their end of the year field trip on Friday, though. We are going to Crossroads Village. I feel lazy, so google it if you are curious..lol. It's an old fashioned, historical village with everything set back to 1800s i believe. Maybe early 1900s. They have a blacksmith shop, doctors office, etc. There is a train ride you can take, an old ferris wheel and carasoul you can ride...it's a nice venue. They are going to have Thomas the Train there this summer! of course, tickets are like 16.00 a piece. What a racket!

The pressure is on for the wedding. We still haven't been called about our dresses coming in. Im gettin a bit nervous. I know i will need alterations for sure and we are done to like 5 weeks. Carrie is gonna call them tomorrow to see what's up. Hopefully they are in. Geesh, we ordered them back in Jan!

We are supposed to have a high of 90* tomorrow (probably today by the time you read this...for wednesday). IT's a record high i guess. Yippe. I live in a tin box. It heats up like crazy. Im not looking forward to it. Oh well. Can't change it. And for now, it beats snow! of course, tomorrow, i may be wishing for snow to cool myself off in. Have to stick my head in the freezer. One of the joys of living on your own. (Helen, remind your older kids of these little things...)..i can open the freezer and stand with my head in there and nobody is going to yell at me to shut it bc it's costing money. LOL. I can do it! And I do! OF course, give it a few years, and ill probably be saying that same thing to my kids. LOL.

And now on to a touchy subject. This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately and I just need to get it out. I've posted a little bit about my cousin Markie. She has a "friend" who is more than a friend, who happens to be a girl, too. Markie will be 16 the 31st of this month..so a few days. On that day will be 5 months that she has been "with" her girlfriend. well, most of those months, they were seperated bc of Markie and her family moving to AZ. Well, prior to their move to AZ, nobody really knew that Markie and A were more than friends. Something happened, i suppose, while in AZ where her dad found out. He has barred her from talking on the phone or using the internet at all, PERIOD, end of story. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT HER TO TALK TO A. This just bugs the bajeebers out of me. I mean, they think it's cute for thier 11/12 yr old daughter to go over to her "boyfriend's" house (since she was about 10), but Markie can't even use a phone at all, bc she likes a girl. And her parents are just treating her like absolute crap and it all boils down to her liking a girl. They belittle/berate her, they keep her on a tight rope, they talk about "it" as if she has done some horrible thing....Example; Her dad says, "a bunch of shit went down and I will have to tell you about it some other time. It's just a bunch of shit..." all huffy and pissy. Well, he doesn'tknow that I know. He doesn't know that Markie has confided in me. They won't even let her go to that school district now that they have returned to MI. So, bc they were only in AZ about 6 weeks or less, Markie will get no credit for this semester unless she passes all exams with an 80% or higher bc she hasn't been in this new district long enough to get a grade and wasn't in AZ district long enough. IF they had put her back where she started, all that would have transferred and she wouldn't be facing a possible failure of an entire high school semester. Just stupid imo. I can't begin to tell you how sad and frustrated i am. Her dad has yet to "fill me on" on this horrific "thing" that is going on. I wish he would, bc i would tell him how i really feel. That I love her no matter who she loves. That she will always be my cousin. That who she loves doesn't change who she is. That she is still a human being deserving of common decency and respect. I could understand it if she and A had gotten into some big trouble or something...but they were absolutely fine with the two of them hanging out until he found out they were more than friends. So, i know it all boils down to the fact that Markie likes girls. The irony is, Markie's one aunt is a lesbian,living with her girlfriend. Mark (markie's dad) always glamourized it when it pertained to his sister in law and her gf. Even in front of the kids. But now that it is his daughter, it's nasty and disgusting? Please! So, just keep them in your thoughts and prayers. She is going through a difficult time as it is and the way her parents have been treating her over this has left her feeling very bad. Teen years are hard enough as it is,then when you add homosexuality in there, especially in a pretty conservative family..well, it's not a pretty sight. My heart just breaks every time i think about it. Why would a parent do that to their child? I will always love my children no matter what they do. My love for them is absolutely unconditional. I may not like certain things they do, i may not agree with all the choices they make along the way...but by God, I will always love them with all that I am, all that I have!

And with that note, i am off here

Long weekend over

Whew! The long weekend is over! It felt more than long. The bridal shower went very well! We found yesterday, though, that a lot of ppl didn't get thier invites. They were mailed. They weren't returned to sender..so we don't know what happened. Mostly it was on the groom's side. Sis got the addresses from her soon to be sister in law. We don't know if the list was just way outdated or what. Still doesn't explain why they didn't come back bc if the addresses were wrong, they usuallyget sent back to sender. One of his cousin's offered to go through all the addresses to see what we have. Thankfully mom didn't put the invites in the mail yet. They need to go out, soon, though!

Sunday we had our family picnic. The day started out raining buckets. But it turned out to be a nice day. Makenneh and daddy went for a walk along the bike trail that runs along the creek and they caught a frog. She was happy about that. She loved walking the bike path. Then, jeremy and my one cousin were playing catch awhile later and makenneh got hit with the baseball. It hit her in the ear and neck area. Then, we get home, she says she is itchy on her feet...jeremy starts lightly scratching her feet. He looks and notices that she has a rash all over her feet and legs. WE are thinking it's poison Ivy from the bike path. Well, the bike path is a nice paved path, but it is surrounded by green growth on both sides...all kinds of plants, flowers, trees, bushes, and even poison ivy. Jeremy said that they only went off the path once, to let the frog go back in the water. But, it only takes once. I am going to call the doctor in the morning to see about bringing her in, just to make sure that's what it is and see if he will write a Rx for some meds. for the itching. I know she is gonna be miserable. So, she has had a rough weekend, for sure!

Well, that's it for tonight, bc ineed to get a map for the wedding invites printed up.

I can't wait

For this bridal shower to be over with. It has been stressful and heartbreaking. It seems as though every few days, we find out another close relative or bridal attendant won't be attending. Mom was talking to brother tonight and I guess they are going camping this weekend as well. Nice! He said he will have to figure something out, so at least, they will make an attempt for sara to be there. But still, we didn't forget when sara's baby shower was, a few weeks ago. I don't know. I can't help but feel bad for my sister. She has caught so much grief, if you will, lately and she finally broke down tonight. She usually holds herself together quite well. Tonight, she called my mom and broke down sobbing. Here is what all she has on her plate: A full time retail job (40 hours as lower management at an outlet store in our outlet mall), a 16 yo step son who has a psychotic alcoholic for a mother,w ho calls all the time drunk and rants and rages, her fiance's aunt Helen has just moved in with them bc she can no longer live on her own. she is 89 yrs old and was found on her floor a day after her one nephew had gone to check on her (as he did every other day), she has a wedding to plan, the shower and bachelorette party, she was just in another wedding may 19, so had all the functions and such of that wedding and all the helping out, 4 horses to look after, shall i continue? Well, to top it off, while she and Ralph were at work today, the nurse and physical therapist came out to see Aunt Helen. While trying to give her a bath, they dropped her, she fell and is in hte hospital. Did i mention she is 89 yrs old? Ralph is livid, Carrie is distraught. I mean, Aunt Helen is a small lady. Carrie bathes her herself and yet, here are 2 ppl, trained in this field, who drop her. Ralph had gone out to buy a shower seat thing for her, to prevent that very thing from happening. That all happened today. Also today, her step son, chris, got kicked out of school for 10 days. That means, the rest of the school year, meaning he misses exams, meaning he doesn't get credit for this semester at all. Ralph told him, NO going to GA this summer, as he will be in summer school. And last, she had a crappy day at work, to start it all out! No wonder she cracked. My head spins thinking of it all. she is 23 yrs old(right?..lol). That's a lot on her plate at one time for anyone. My mom mentioned to her tonight that she needs to use her Family Medical Leave of Absence to take a few days off a week or whatever she feels she needs. It is just too much. Of course, when planning a wedding, taking a pay cut is the last thing you want to do, but sometimes your sanity has to come first. Please say some prayers that everything works out for Carrie. And Aunt Helen, of course.

We did get a lot of things done for the wedding and the shower today. got all the invites for wedding assembled. Yes, assembled. She wanted them hand made. We had to cut out 160 +/- each of a cowboy hat, cowboy boot and a horseshoe. The inv is 3 pieces each. The horseshoe on top says their names and "Lucky in Love", next is the boot, it has all the wedding invitation info, next is the hat and it has the reception info. They are real cute...tied together by twine. We also got the basket decorated for the silverware. I had the idea and i must admit, it is absolutely gorgeous. I will have to take pics and share them. We came up with an idea for the card box for wedding...an old fashioned safe like they used in the west at the banks, made out of a box and some craft supplies. WE accomplished so much today. We are finally pretty set for the shower. My mother in law is making copies of the game sheets and we have to assemble the game booklets. We also have to do the food and wrap the prizes for the games. That should be about it.

Well, all this writing (*moreso what i wrote) has me drained. Im off for now!

Can I go to bed, now?

Busy day! I spent the majority of it working on the games and such for the shower. I am doing up little booklets for each guest, with the game sheets in it. I did a lot of hunting for pictures, designing, printing, cutting, putting together today. I think i have everything set now.

Sebastian was sleeping when i got home from picking up Makenneh. That was nice! Thanks, Honey! But, makenneh was up til 1230. She was just go go go! she no sooner fell asleep, i checked my mail, all 84 messages (thank you freecycle) and then just as i was about to click on my bookmarks, sebastian woke up. He came out here crying and is now on the couch, still awake! Ugh! I am past ready for bed. I have to be up early and head to my mom's to work on shower stuff....then rush from there to get makenneh home so her and daddy can go to her classroom to assemble their kite and fly it! I'm so excited for her! I hope it goes well for them!

Update on Jeremy's cousin, Sarah (so many sarah/saras around here): She was in surgery from about 10am until 5pm. What a long day for her mom! I just know she had to be beside herself! But, the surgery went well. The anurysm was larger than they anticipated and they decided to remove it and repair the veins and vessels affected by it. She pulled through good and last we heard, she was in recovery. Once she was done ther,e they were putting her in ICU for 24 hours. Continue to pray that it all goes well from here on out!

The day was decent. I did wake up to a sweet note from Jeremy, just as I figured I would. That was enough for me. When he got home, we made dinner and watched tv. I refrained from getting on the computer (even though i had this shower stuff needing finished). It was a nice evening!

Well, that's it for tonight!

Happy Anniversary - But Prayers First!

I want to start out by saying that Jeremy's cousin is going in for surgery in the morning to have a brain anurysm (I know i spelled that wrong) removed. She is around 21 yrs old(maybe even a little younger). They told her that until they get in there, they aren't sure if they will remove the anurysm or just bypass it. Please say a prayer that all goes well. Her mom is a basket case. Add to this that his other cousin(they are sisters) is getting married July 21 and their step sister is getting married june 23. So, she has the emotion and stress of the 2 weddings and them being close and then this. She is a very emotional person to begin with and she even broke down and cried a couple times at the bridal shower on sunday.

Tomorrow (techincally today, as it is past midnight) is our 3rd Anniversary! It feels like it has been forever. I can't believe it has only been 3 yrs. I don't know if that is a good thing or not...lol. Anyway, we aren't doing anything special for it and I actually didn't even get him a card, which is so unlike me. I wrote him a cute lil note telling him happy anniversary and if he doesn't wake up late for work, he will actually see it...lol.

Oh we are feeling the stress of the shower and wedding. We are down to less than a week for the shower and have so much to do, it seems. I know deep down that it will all come together. It always does. But, i feel so out of control i don't like it. I am usually on top of things like this, but i have had so much going on, my lack of meds and well, i've had my head in the sand. Im pulling it out now and gotta busta move! WE are getting no help from the wedding party and the whole shower is falling on me and mom (and Carrie, bless her heart). She did find out that her one bridesmaid will actually be able to make it. (prior to this, she wasn't sure she would have hte day off work). I just found out yesterday that one of our aunts won't be there bc they are going camping. That hurts more than i can express. They go camping every year. Granted, it's memorial weekend. But we are supposedly a "close" family. It just seems to me that your neices shower (that will only happen once, God willing) and you can camp any other time (they camp almost every weekend of the summer) and you can camp again next year. But oh well. She said to me, I couldn't believe you guys planned it for this weekend bc we always go camping. UMMMMM...should we cut into our one cousin's graduation party? Or another cousin's wedding? or one of many other grad parties we have? or other weddings and showers we had? I don't think she realizes the stress and hassle we had in picking a date. We had so many other plans to dodge, that we couldn't possibly take into account camping trips, fishing trips, whatever else, too. She wouldn't have been able to have a shower at all. Anyway, the funny thing is, i was just telling jeremy about this: He hates to go to things. He doesn't do crowds too well. I told him that you have to go to ppl's things, bc some day our kids will be having celebrations and we will want ppl to attend. What goes around, comes around. The very next day, i found out my aunt wasn't coming. Hmmm. Good point to keep in mind. Her kids are getting close to weddings and babies.

Well, I need to get to bed. This is going to be a long week.

One week to go

Until my sister's bridal shower. I feel so completely unorganized. So, this week is going to be spent getting organized. I know we have pretty much everything we need for the shower, but it's getting the prizes wrapped up, wrapping the silverware, printing the game we are playing, things like that. Then, i have to start working on the bachelorette party planning. I designed the invite, but can't print them off until sis finalizes the plans. I let her choose what we are doing, bc i hate when the bridal party just makes the plans and that's that. sometimes, it's not what the bride wants. Sis is very unique and i wanted this to be fun for her most of all. She chose to go to the free country music fest. It's an all day deal. There are several country new comers and then a main headliner. I do not know who the main headliner is, though. After that (I insist we won't feel like doing anything after being out in the sun all darn day, but hey....i'll go along with whatever) we are going to go to a bar that has karoake so she (and all of us) can sing and dance! So, those are the basics. And this way, if someone can't make it to the music fest, they can just meet up with us at the bar or vice versa.

I am feeling a tad better, mentally. I'll take that. Things are going well on the marriage front. I told him that from now on, he will always know what i am thinking. I am no longer going to hold things in to stew about them and i asked that he do the same. We are in this together and neither of us can be afraid to say how we feel or what we think. My cousins, Markie and Allana, wanted to keep the kids this weekend, while they stayed at thier gma's, so i let them. They love having the kids. And, it gave Jeremy and I time to reconnect. Not to mention, our anniversary is on tues, so we can celebrate it early, although, we are doing absolutely nothing special. We are laying around, watching tv, movies.

We didn't go to the wedding today. Well, i didn't plan on going to the actual wedding anyway, but he didn't feel like going to the reception and i was on the fence about it. We can't afford any extras right now and I really don't have anything to wear. My wardrobe is drab at best. It's horrible. I did get a coupon for Lane Bryant...$15 off a $15 or more purchase. The kicker is, if you have never shopped there, is that their clothes are quite expensive and the ones that are "perfect priced" (meaning in my price range) can't be purchased with the coupon. Nor can clearance or otherwise discounted clothing. So, I know i have used this same type of coupon there before and got some great deals, but that was also when i had a bit of spending money in my ass pocket. Now, i don't. I might go check it out and see if i can find a top that won't be too much after the discount. I have a few skirts that are nice, but no tops to match. So, that would help. I have tried on freecycle a few times, but it gets frustrating. One time i drove a good 25 mins away (expressway) and the clothes were horrible. most of them had GM logos on them or other types of advertising and were actually moreso mens style clothing. I don't want to wear those. I did give a lot of them to my dad. I can't believe they posted them as women's plus size. The few women's clothing in there were stained to high heaven and i wouldn't run around my home in them, much less step out my door in them. Now, with gas being 3.50 a gallon (which i hate to complain about, after figuring out the cost Helen pays in England), we can't afford for me to waste gas chasing "free" clothes. LOL. Maybe I will try posting a wanted and specify no stains, etc. That may help!

Tomorrow, I am going with my mother in law (I am just going to refer to her as Chris from now on, k? LOL) to that bridal shower. We were able to get a nice gift for only 15.00 each. That wasn't so bad. WE got a cute lined wicker laundry basket (med in size) and filled with laundry soap, fabric softener, stain remover, tide pen, lint brush, lingerie bag, heavy duty plastic hangers and a few other things. It looks nice and wasn't too expensive. And while it's nothing she registered for, it's all stuff she (anyone) can use. Chris even called her sister (bride's mom) to find out what kind of laundry soap. I personally probably would have just gone with a middle of the road laundry soap, but that's me. At least this way, we know it's what she uses. Oh and we made a little booklet full of household hints to put in with it.

Well, that's all i have for now. Nothing exciting, nothing funny, nothing witty!

Update

I have meant to get over here and update, but to be honest, mental exhaustion has kept me from here. But, i wanted to update and so here it is:

My mom kept the kids tues and I went and picked Jeremy up from his brother's, where he had stayed monday night. We did a lot of talking and crying. We accomplished so much. Some key points is the financial strain boiling over into every other aspect of our lives/marriage, different ideas about parenting and having kids too soon. We got pg very shortly after starting to date and well, it didn't leave much time for just us. Add to that the financial strain and well, it means a lot of extra work. We both agree that we don't want to throw our marriage away. We came up with some things to make it better. We really considered seperation for awhile thinking it would help us out, but when i really thought about it, i don't think so. FOr one, if i have to take the kids and go stay at my parents' house, packing everything up, etc. it will just be more for me and less for him, kwim? But, in order for him to keep his job, he can't really stay anywhere else, bc he wouldn't have a way to get to work, as the guy he rides to work with lives right by here. So, we have to take that into consideration as well. Of course, as soon as we got our marriage figured out and were both feeling better about things, I got a letter in the mail yesterday from our office ..demand for payment or possession. I don't understand as first of all, we paid half of hte rent by the 5th when it was due and it is only the 16th (so only 11 days late for the other half) when they send this. I had severe anxiety attacks all day yesterday. Oh and on top of all that, i don't know if i mentioned my license situation in the last post or not, but monday i got a letter in hte mail that my license is suspended for a ticket i owe. So, we are in a very screwed spot right now. Everything is caving in around us. And i have my sis's bridal shower next weekend. I have already gotten all the paper products and most of hte food is covered, but i still need to get stuff to make taco salad for a large group and also any other odds and ends, last min. things as well as a gift! This weekend is a wedding on sat and bridal shower on sunday. Grrr.

I'm just fighting hard to keep my head above water. If i let myself go under, it may a long time to pull myself back up. I did find a bottle of one of the meds Im supposed to be on (from when we were switching things aroudn to see what would work best) so i think i need to start taking them to help take the edge off of everything. THere is a lot piled on my plate right now, im having bad anxiety attacks and I need something to keep me up.

Well, that's about it from me for now. yesterday was a great day, emotionally. The kids were really good, i kept the house clean and all that jazz. Today, i didn't want to get up, i laid on the couch all morning and now this place is trashed, i feel exhausted beyond death and blah!

May be Good Bye for awhile

I don't wanna go into all of it right now, but we had an argument tonight (I don't think u can really call it that, but he blew up) and well, he is staying at his brothers tonight, but wants me to have my stuff out by tomorrow. The kids of course would be going with me. I know, you may be wondering why me and hte kids would leave...but the truth is, i cannot pay the bills here and if he goes anywhere else, he will not have a way to work. So, it's really teh only way to do it.

We are going to meet tomorrow and talk about everything, but i don't know where that will lead us. I don't know what to think or feel at this moment. I've done a lot of crying but ive also had moments of peace. I just have to remember that whatever is meant to be will be. If we do split, it will be very rough. I won't lie. But, it will be something i will have to get through. Most likely the kids and i will go to my parents, but im just not sure right now. If we go there, there is no internet, so i would rarely, if ever get to update. I do have some nearby relatives with internet connection and so i could pop in here and there to update.

I just want to thank all of you for reading and giving your input. I will miss everyone if things dont work out on the home front. Please pray for us and that God will give us the strength to go forward in whichever direction we are supposed to go.

Hugs,
Christina

My children

They were playing so great a little while ago. Well, it wasn't play so much, more of interacting. Sebastian was tired. Jeremy had gotten up to go take a shower and Seb was right on his heels. He turns to me, blows me kisses and continued to follow daddy. I said to Jeremy...he thinks you are going to bed and he is going with you. So, why not see if he wants to lay and snuggle with you. Seb stopped halfway down the hall and started yelling. He comes to me and Makenneh says, "you want me to take you to your daddy? I will take you, come on." She reaches for his hand, he takes it and they go off down the hall, hand in hand. My heart just melted. Then, after a few mins, Seb comes out and Jeremy says he wants a drink. So, I go to get him a drink and makenneh says, Mommy i will get him a drink of water, mommy. So she goes in the bathroom to fill it with water. Then, I go to my bedroom and she had brougth him a blanket, pillow and toys. Well, Seb decided he didn't want to be sleep in bed with daddy so he came back out here. Makenneh says, come on buddy, i will sing you a lullabye. And she did. it was so beautiful! Now they are both on the couch, eating popcorn and watching "The Adventures of Milo & Otis". And, speaking of that movie, why couldn't they have cleaned Milo's ears out better? It looks like he has a serious case of ear mites...ewww!

My brother and Sara picked me up today and we went and got steaks for Mother's Day cookout, then went and got mom's gift. She wanted a rock tumbler. She has one, but this one is a double drum tumbler.

This week I should be able to get down to the college to get my financial aid taken care of. I really hope so!

Well, I'm done for now! Just waiting for Makenneh to go to sleep!