SShhhhhh....

Be berry berry quiet...it is only 956 and i have two sleeping children. That's right..not one but two! Niether gave a fuss. I put Sebastian in his crib then Makenneh came out and laid down on the couch and fell right asleep. We had a horrible evening, though and im sure it exhausted her to throw so many fits. All the throwing of toys and such is sure to wear a little one out! When I ask her why she throws things, she tells me that she likes to throw things and that's what she does. she sounds so grown up and sophisticated as she explains this to me, but it is worrisome. I don't understand her desire to throw things and hit and scream. Well, i guess, the latter 2 make more sense. But, neither Jeremy nor I throw things and we don't hit each other or anything, although, there are spanking handed out in this home. They are few and far btwn, which, im beginning to think is apparent. I wish I would have been firmer with her from the get go. But, i brought this bundle of joy home and she was so precious and even though she kept me up day and night and on my toes with her incessent crying...i still fell madly and deeply in love with this child and in doing so, lost sight of the fact that I still had to put my foot down. instead, i was soft and gentle and laid back and forever forgiving of her naughties in the beginning. Then, they grew to be bigger naughties...And it has grown from there. It is such a fight to correct this problem at this point. My biggest piece of advice to any mommies to be is to be firm from the get go. You can relish in their beauty and innocence, while still being firm and in control. Sadly, I knew this full well going into motherhood. I had all the answers to how i would raise my child...but it seems that as soon as the wrinkly pink bundle was placed in my arms, everything I once knew went out the window. I absolutely love this girl child and yet she drives me to the brink of breakdown. Part of it is because I love her so and just want her to be a sweet little darling and when she is so evil and mean, it totally breaks my heart. And then, the weak side of me can't stand to see her in tears or hear the things she mutters under those tears when she has been disciplined. Guilt is the 2nd largest feeling of motherhood, i have found. As a mother, you feel endlessly guilty. Guilty for being too strict, guilty for not being strict enough. Guilty for not giving them enough, guilty for over indulging. It's the world's largest, longest guilt trip!

On another note, my nails are growing. They never grow. I don't know what to think. Im sure they will break sooner rather than later, they always do. But, for the first time in a long time, i can scratch backs and arms and heads...and it feels no neat. usually i have to pay money for this luxury. i have no idea what has changed to cause them to grow, they wouldn't even grow while i was taking prenatal vitamins.

The last few days have been a bit more of a challege without the medication, but i have managed. I just keep pushing through. I try to take the time to think things through before going off the deep end. But, if i have to pick up one more dirty dish from that husband of mine, i may just explode. He had a bowl of ice cream tonight...and i even told him to be sure he took care of it before going to bed...guess where the bowl was after he had gone to bed? Not in the sink, that's for sure. Right on the end table next to his seat on the couch! The very same place it was when I reminded him to take care of it. Grrrr! I spend my days picking up after kids..that's all i do all day. I do not want to pick up after a grown man! I may have to give him the whole, "YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT LIVE HERE" speech! I'm sure that will sink in..perhaps i will ask if he would like for her to move in so she can pick up after him. That ought to be enough to scare him straight...lol.

Speaking of moving ppl and home....My uncle mark is on his way home, already. We figured it wouldn't last. Now, they have no place to live and have sold off most of their possessions. My uncle ken said they will probably end up staying with him, as he has a 4 bedroom house and it's just him and my one cousin. That ought to be fun, considering the animosities btwn the two of them, which i dare not go into right now. The biggest bummer is, we were going to buy a bed off of them and I was waiting a bit, so Allana would have a place to sleep until they moved. I went ahead and freecycled Makenneh's toddler bed and i don't know if they are going to want to sell allana's bed now that they won't be leaving. Bummer. I could borrow the bed my brother has..it's a futon bunk bed. Makenneh would actually love it, because she said she wanted a bed with a ladder. We would have to take the blades off the ceiling fan though, I think. I would hate to have any sort of accident with that.

Well, everyone is logging onto yahoo, so im gonna go chat with my cousin and a friend or two. I will go for now!!