I need to know! This week has been hell with kids up extra late and sick. There have been many times I have wanted to call my Aunt Dawn. Because if she were still here, that's just what I would do. She was always up late and I knew she was the one person I could call when I was stressed at midnight. Now, i have nobody to call at such late hours. I have to deal with it and at most, i get to post on my blog about it. The last few nights have been pure hell for me. I have wanted to just break down and cry. Or run away. In my most desperate moments, I want to reach for the phone. Then I realize, there will be nobody at the other end to calm me down, hear me out, comfort me. I miss those late night talks when the rest of the world was sleeping. I never thought I would lose her so early in life. I never thought I would have to raise my kids without her being here.
I watched 2 of my grandparents suffer with terminal illness before passing away and then I had my aunt die of a massive heart attack. I think the latter is harder. It was not expected. We had no time to prepare ourselves. Not that we are ever prepared to say good bye...but when you can take care of all your business, say all that needs said, do all that needs done, then it is easier.
Sometimes I just want to scream up to Heaven....I want my aunt back! I wasn't ready for her to go! But I know that all the screaming in the world will not change anything. I don't really know why Im struggling with it right now. I guess just having this bad week with the kids, and wanting to be able to call her when its 1am to vent and knowing that I can't. It makes me feel alone.
Just when you think you have mastered your grief, it reaches up and snags you. It never goes away completely, just spaces itself out, i guess.
2 comments:
((((Big Hugs!))))
talk to her anyway! I knw the feeling though of wishing you could talk and not be able to. I hope tomorrow is better for you.
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