unanswered prayers????

Jeremy got this as a forward and I just had to post it here. I read it and thought about all of the times we feel God has forgotten us or just not answered our prayers. I thought about the times we have felt that maybe he didn't exist, because he wasn't giving us the things we ask for. Hope you can find some comfort in it, as I know I have!

God Said No


I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all

things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.




Have a blessed Day!

Random Survey

The Most Random Questions You Will Ever Fill Out
1. Have you had sex in the past 24 hours? no

2.Are you gay? not really

.3.Do you have hairy legs? Well, they aren't hairy but i must admit that they are not smooth right now either!

4.Do you smoke anything? Cigarettes

5.Do you like monkeys? They are cute!

6.How many fillings/cavities do you have? I dunno, really! BAd isn't it

7.Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? If i have to choose, im choosing lake, but Im with Helen on this in that i prefer to not have creatures and seaweed with me.


8.Have you ever licked one of those square batteries? nope, too chicken!


9.Have you ever read the Bible? not entirely, no


10.Did you ever go to Sunday School? Yes

11.Do you wear a lot of black? not really

12.Did you ever bring a weapon to high school? nope


13.Have you ever hugged a tree? only a time or two...lol

14.Do you know what a sphincter actually is? sure do!

15.Describe your hair: light brown, naturally curly and thinning daily

16.Are you a wild beast? Oh i can be

17.Do you like to have fun? of course!
!
18.Do you like drama? Only in movies...hate it in real life

20.Do you like mayonaise? yes

21..Are you afraid to die? no, but i don't want to go any time soon! There is still so much i haven't done!

22.Do you like playing in leaves? on occassion...when they are free of waste

.Do you think you have a good handle on spelling? yep

28.Ever won a spelling bee? no

30.Are you a television addict? not even a fan

31.Do you think O.J. is guilty?:Yes but money buys everything...even freedom

2.Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?: yes

33.Have you ever had sex in a hot tub? no, but would a jacuzzi count???

34.On a swing?no

35.Do you like Elvis? not in the sense that some devouted fans do! NO elvis impersonation shows for me and no memorabilia hanging/sitting in my home!

36.Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery Channel? You're kidding right?!! Im really not into that kinda thing. Surprising huh?

37.Ever been hit on at the zoo? sure, by my husband...lol

38. Do you like the smell of pools? well, i prefer that they smell chlorine clean as opposed to slimy dirty.

40.Does your mom think someones hot? Im sure she does...

41.Are you a sugar freak? No

42.When you hear a knock on the door, do you think "oh shiit the cops?OMG! OMG NO!!! Not lately...hahah..no never, really

43. Ever been arrested? nope and i think i would die of embarrassment if i ever were

44. Ever been skinny dipping?? once

45. Actually, do you like orange juice?: yes

46.What sign are you? astrologically speaking, im a leo. otherwise, im the beware sign..lol

Monday it is....

Monday, my life will change. Makenneh will start headstart! I have such mixed feelings. Mostly I am so excited! She has some new clothes, new backpack and Im getting her new shoes. Going to the orientation, seeing the classroom, the toys, meeting the teacher and teacher's aid, hearing all they had to say...I am sure she will have fun! But my baby girl is growing up! She is spreading her wings and can't i just keep her little? Why does she have to grow up?

Then I was reading JulieQ's blog about her youngest starting school this year and it just makes me feel sad. I'm sure I will at very least have to fight back tears, if they don't end up spilling over. I just hope I can contain myself til i get back out to the car after dropping her off. I have to adjust my work schedule starting Monday...bc I will have to be home by 4pm each day to get her to school on time, as she is in the evening class and we have to provide transportation. Hopefully my job continues to be flexible and understanding, as I had to leave early yesterday to go to a meeting with the teacher, I have to miss today to take care of some business and then starting monday, i hav eto leave early each day. Im sure it will be fine though, as they understand we have family and family has to come first.

Well, im off here to see if i can access the walmart associate page online from home to change my availability.

Headstart

Last night was parent orientation for headstart. So, Makenneh is all set for school. I have a 3:30 appt with the teacher today to turn in all the forms i had to fill out. I have such mixed feelings. Im excited for her, yet, my baby is growing up! To make matters worse, i got my film back and most of it is from when Sebastian was born and just seeing how little they both were a year and a half ago makes my heart sad. They grow so fast. Where did the time go? ~sigh~ She starts school monday! I can't believe it!

Well, yesterday I worked in apparel all day! everyone had to work apparel yesterday! It's a big chunk of the store. We got quite far and im sure 2nd and 3rd shift were probably able to wrap it up! go us! It does feel good to be part of a team, working hard to accomplish something and best yet, getting recognized for my hard work as part of that team! Management thanks us all the time for our hard work!

The kids had a blast with gma H yesterday! She walked them to the park, they played there and looked for bugs with the new bug kit gma got kenneh. And when i got there to get them last night....they were out on the sidewalk and both kids came running to me.....mammammmaaa!!! It felt soooo awesome! And both kids were great last night! I think they are finally getting the hang of this new job stuff! It helps a lot to know that they are with family while im at work and that they are adjusting. Today they go to my brother's and i hope I don't have any problems. I can't wait til the weekend! When i can stay home with them and hang out....stay in my pjs til im good and ready to get dressed....lol.

Well, it's about time to get the kids up and ready so we can get going! Enjoy your day!
(Boy are my meds working or what?...big change in posts over the last week or so huh?)

WalMart, cats and what nots!

16 days until our Grand Opening! We were 66% stocked by lunch today. They tried sticking me in H&BA today. HA! That area is so cluster f*cked, for lack of better description, it's not funny! 5 mins over there had me frustrated as all get out! Finally, Lorna and I found a couple pieces of merchandise that went in other areas, so we more than willingly agreed to take them to the right depts. We then decided that we would go back to organized Kim and see if we could work for her in grocery again. We told her that the merchandise supervisor (ms) for that dept doesnt know what she is doin. She told us when we got there that she didn't know what to have us do...so just go through boxes. NO explanation, no nothing. She was quite bitchy to say the least. So, Kim said as a MS, she should be able to give us something to do...but seems how she didn't she (kim) would have us straighten, front and face the shelves in grocery! Woohoo! It was nice to work basically by myself, in an aisle with just Lorna and I, doing our own thing. And it's really gravy work. We have to pull all the product to the front of the shelf, turn them all forward facing, make sure it looks all nice and pertty! LOL. We do have to do some stuff like spread the stuff out bc the ppl who put it up only put up 3 rows when the module calls for 4...but that wasn't bad. I hope to get the same job tomorrow! Anything but HBA. Unless they are gonna give me the reins to do things right over there...lol.

Mom kept Makenneh again tonight and I am taking Sebastian over there in the morning...Then wednesday, my Mother in law is supposed to watch them. We shall see though! My poor kenneh is gonna get homesick (or not!). Tomorrow night, Chris (mother in law) is going to keep her over night....gee, i miss that little girl!! I don't miss her and Sebastian fighting and carrying on though.

And finally, we are over run with these damn kittens. Everywhere you look is a kitten getting into something, climbing on something they shouldnt be.....like the counters! its just crazy! They need new homes, now! And i think Mama cat needs a new home too. She doesnt wanna keep her ass outta the garbage and she runs around here being pesty like she needs food or something when she has all that she needs. I have two kids to whine, beg and follow me around and be under my feet..i don't need my cat doing it too!

Oh, back to walmart...lol. They opened the one hour photo lab..its up and running...so they are developing our film for 1.00 (single), 2.00 (doubles) and all proceeds go to Children's Miracle Network...and the money stays in our local hospital! I have like 8 rolls of film im getting developed. And probable more...i just have to look around and find them! They also give away a free HDTV every week that we go without an accident! They put all our names in a drawing and pick one! So that's cool. Also, they are offering us 35.00 eye exams at the vision center. They are just doing all kinds of cool things for us before the opening...oh and 10.00 oil changes! Deals gallore!

My friend Stacy is in the hospital, dialated to 4 and has lost her mucus plug, last i talked to her husband. The twins are due Oct 13, but looks like they will come this month! They weigh 5lbs each, so that is good! Considering all the complicatioins she has had, I have to say she has done very well! The docs still want her to keep the babies in as long as safely possible...but im expecting to hear any day that she has had them!

Well, time to finish up on here and head to bed!!!! I have to be up extra early to take Sebastian to my moms before work! Night all...

Happy Weekend

Well, i made it through the first week of work! Things are starting to pull together and work out. My mother in law actually called last night and she said she will help out with babysitting, one day a week. So with her doing it one day, my mom a day or two, i should be able to handle the child care expense. Once the store opens, my hours will vary and so will my days. You know how retail works. That will help too though bc some days jeremy will be able to be here.

yesterday we went to Jeremy's dad's place. It was a nice visit. Dad's gf was out with her sister, so we were able to just have dad and us time. He sent us home with a lil cooler full of food, too. He works for a meat company and gets good deals on stuff. He sent us home with 11 ribeye steaks (8oz ea), a big pack of pre-cooked bacon, hard salami, hoagies, sliced cheese, and i can't remember what else. He also gave me his old cordless phone bc mine died. This is quite the deluxe model..has caller id, answering machine and more buttons than i know what to do with. I hope he has the manual to it bc i have no idea how to even delete the numbers from caller id. Im so glad to have a cordless phone again, bc with kids, especially, its hard to be tied to a cord.

Nothing much in the plans for today! Mom wants us to come over there for awhile...so we might. Then we will probably have my brother and his gf over for dinner. Then it's back to work for me tomorrow! Jeremy has monday off, so he gets to have the kids for the whole day!!!!

Well, this morning I feel like im on speeders. I have already put a load of clothes in the dryer, one in the washer, changed the litter box, fed the cats, cleaned up the dining area....on a roll! Go, go go!

Well, im off to get some stuff done...hope everyone enjoys their labor day weekend!!!!

Mornings

I hate them and the last two have been rough. Yesterday morning it was rough because Makenneh begged me to stay home with her. She said she didn't want me to go to work, she didn't want me to make money. She said, just stay home with me. Ill be so happy. I almost cried.

this morning I am just grumpy, tired and wanna sleep. Makenneh wakes up early now, wants me up;, wants me to sit on the loveseat with her, when i would rather lay on the couch, she throws fits, yada, yada, yada.

I just want my sleep. Let me throw myself on the floor in a full fledged temper tamtrum and demand the world to let me sleep. The couch is calling my name as i type. I don't think i like the m-f, 8-5 shift. As much as I thought I would like it, it actually sucks. There is no time to do anything. By the time I get home, get dinner, the night is over and time to get ready for bed. There's no time for taking care of any business, as im at work when businesses are open.

Well, the little man of the house is letting his existance be known, so it's time to get him up and ready. And I guess, time to get myself read;y as well, seems how i have to leave in half an hour! Ive told you guys im a procrastinator! I wasn't joking!

I survived

The first day of work that is. But, im not gonna lie..it's hard work right now, setting up the store. We have to bust ass. I was put in the frozen food section and we have 23 pallets to unload and get put out. Oh and don't forget priced! So, all day I heaved boxes, unpacked them, put product in the freezer cases, etc. And that's what i get to do tomorrow! I even spent a half hour or so in the freezer and boy is it cold in there. But, it sure beats sweating! overall, I like it. Everyone seems to be pretty nice and helpful. I still think the daily meetings are stupid though...even moreso now that I had to participate..its cult-like, I swear...lol. All the members of management take turns talking,...and as soon as one gets up to the podium and says hi, everyone says hi and then claps like twice, stomps twice and then shouts HOO! Goofy! After each person speaks, everyone claps. Then, its wrapped up by saying our pledge...raise our right hand and say: " I pledge today to not have any accidents. I also pledge to prevent those around me from having accidents, so help me walmart!" Crazy huh? The only thing I can think of the whole time we are doing this is potty training my daughte.r....and the accidents meaning potty accidents. I can't help it. But anyway, they are real big on safety and we get bonuses if we are accident free. Then, we get to wrap the meeting up with the corny cheer! See one of my previous posts if you really want to know what the cheer is! CORNY! But, i guess it gets me a paycheck, huh?

Im wondering if i should jump to 2nd shift for set up though. That way, I would have business hours to take care of anything I need to deal with. Not to mention, I know my brother's gf doesn't like mornings (and honestly , i don't either) and she is watching the kids for me. I would also not need a babysitter the whole 10 hours if i worked 2nd. Jeremy gets home around 430. so, that would be helpful on the pocket book! I just don't know though bc I wouldn't really be able to do much else, socially speaking. But, i guess life's all about sacrafice! Especially seems how i wasn't born with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth! The damn thing was plastic! Go figure!

Happy Birthday, Uncle Ken, counseling, first day of work.....

Yeah, it's gonna be a multi topic post. Today is my uncle's bday! He just got out of an awful marriage about 6 months ago and while he is turning one year older today, he looks younger and more alive than he has in years! He goes out every weekend, he is always singing and dancing and wearing a smile! Im so happy for him that he was finally able to enjoy life and be happy!

I had my first counseling appt yesterday. It went quite well and I think I will like my counselor, Pam. I was more honest with her in one visit than I was with any other counselor in a whole year or whatever. So, that's probably a good start. The first visit is mostly intake and boy did i give her a lot to take in. I think I saw her head spinning at times! lol.

And, in a short half hour, i will leaving for my first day of work at Walmart! I have mixed feelings. i think once i get there and "settle in" i will be ok. But I really don't like "unknowns" or new situations that well. And the prospect of having to get up extra early to rustle up two sleeping kids and get them to a sitter makes me queasy. As i was in the shower this morning, i couldn't help but say, "what I wouldn't give if i didn't have to do this." I am feeling sick to my stomach. I don't know why. Anxiety!! I didn't feel this way prior to starting Kroger. But then, I knew the employees for the most part, as I go in there almost every day and sometimes 2 times a day. Plus, it was an up and running store, i knew what i would have to do. This time, I will be doing anything and everything in order to get the store up and running, ready for the opening on sept 20. I don't know any employees except those I had orientation with and my cousin and friend, who also got hired, but work different shifts. AH, Christina, get over it. Go in with your head held high, saying to yourself, "you're the shit!" LOL. Yes, i think a lot of it is self esteem issues. I have to force myself consciously to have self esteem in new situations. I always want to revert back to my days of almost no esteem. I have it now, its just covered sometimes and i have to pull it out! One of my goals for counseling is to get my self esteem up to an 8 (on a scale of 1-10). Right now, i measured it at a 5. That's an improvement from before. I have lots of goals for counseling that I don't think 20 visits is going to fix...lol. But that's all my insurance will cover and Lord knows I can't afford to pay for visits. I saw the price chart and about fell outta my chair. If you weren't totally crazy going into counseling ,you will be after you pay for it, if you have to pay outta the pocket! Not only will you be crazy, but broke as hell! It's like 120.00 per visit with a counselor and God forbid you need to see the Dr. That's more! And for those who don't know....a full counseling session is a whopping 45 mins!!!!

Oh, on a good note, I found a long lost friend on Myspace! I am so happy. When i was growing up, we lived in a trailer park and I became friends with this girl who lived across the street. She was a few yrs younger than me, but there weren't any kids my age. Anyway, we used to play together every day! Then, she moved away and that was it. I was so sad for a long time! I always wanted to find her. As a kid, i remember looking at the stars and thinking, somewhere, Amber might be looking at the same stars. Corny, I know...but i missed her so! Well, i finally tried a search on myspace, using the last school i knew she attended and Voila! I found her. As soon as i saw her picture, I knew it was her. So, we have been emailing back and forth. She still lives in MI, but about an hour north of me. Her family lives down here though, so I told her we will have to get together next time she is down. See, Myspace does work for good things!!!

Well, i need to rustle up the troops and get them to the sitter! Wish me luck and the ability to keep my stomach calm! LOL~!

Some pictures from last weekend

It's Jeremy and Sebastian...Dad would have a bit of the Texas Sheet cake and Sebastian would hold his mouth open wide in anticipation...then he would start going for the fork.

Makenneh and Sebastian both had fun on the swingsets they had available for the kids. It made it all more enjoyable for mom and dad too, knowing we were in a fenced in area and the kids had a place to play where we would keep an eye on them while socializing.

The pics were taken at the Moose Lodge where my aunt had her college graduation party last weekend.

sick, tired....

I think im coming down with the flu or something. I dunno but i have felt like i could puke for 2 days now. Last night i had a headache from hell and this sour stomach..i didn't get any sleep bc when i was ready/able to fall asleep, Sebastian woke up, when i got him back to sleep, makenneh woke up..it was an endless battle last night. Finally, jeremy got up at 8am and i went to sleep for a few hours. I still have the headache today and the sour stomach. To top it off, Makenneh woke up with bumps all over her which i think are chicken pox. She itches like no other. So, for now im giving her benedryl to keep the itching down and putting hydrocortisone creme on her. I will have to call Monday to get her in somwhere btwn my own counseling appt, trip to the social sec. office, trip to walmart. UGH!

On a good note, jeremy started cleaning in here today. The bad note is it made him awfully cranky. He is in a better mood now though and the living room is looking much better. Now i just need to get these carpets scrubbed and get this damn sofa sleeper out to the trash and the other couch my aunt gave me in here.

Not much else to say and im feeling too blah to really type much else. Oh....the hampster got out the other day and i only found out yesterday morning when the cat/kittens were hissing and snarling over something in the kitchen. I checked it out and it was the hampster, lifeless in the grips of one of the kittens. I didn't say anything to Makenneh, as she was sleeping when this took place. i just disposed of him and left it at that. Today she realized he wasn't in his cage and was upset. I had told jeremy that we wouldn't get another one...but daddy just couldn't tell her no when she was so sad and using that cute lil face of hers. So, we were off to get a new hampster. This time we got a dwarf one...he is so cute. Much more laid back than the other ones. Hopefully this one lasts awhile. But we have told her there will be no more after this.

ok, off to lay down and hope for wellness by tomorrow!

One Word

I figured I would answer the survey too.....why not!

YOU ... C A N ... O N L Y ... T Y P E ... O N E ... W O R D !
Not as easy as you might think...
1. Yourself: Tired
2.Your bf/gf: homebody
3. Your hair? soft
4. Your mother? wonderful
5. Your Father: amazing
6. Your Favorite Item: computer
7. Your dream last night: forgotten
8. Your Favorite drink: coke
9. Your Dream Car: minivan (LOL)
The Room You Are In: living
11. Your Ex: nincompoot (sp?)
12. Your fear? loss
13. Where you want to be in 10 years? house
14. Who you hung out with today? family
15. What You're Not: mean
16. Your Best Friend: 2
17. One of Your Wish List Items: furniture
19. The Last Thing You Did: slept
20. What You Are Wearing: 'comfy
21. Your Favorite Weather: sunny
2. Your favorite Book: novel
23. The Last Thing You Ate: popcorn
24. Your Life: crazy
25. Your Mood: sad
26. Your body: awful
27. What are you thinking about right now: sleep
28. What are you doing at the moment: Survey
29. Your summer schedule: boring

This was not as easy as i thought. I am usually one to elaborate on my answers. Give it a try!

A little better now

Well, i faced the orientation. I actually feel better about it now. I start work tues. Now the only stress is worrying about a babysitter. My mom said she could help a couple days a week, but then there are the other days to worry about. During set up we will be working 8-5, m-f (although it will be adjusted as needed).

Tomorrow is another busy day. I have to go to the doc at 1:50 and then somewhere in the day I need to call walmart to see if i can use my marriage license as the 2nd piece of id bc although my ss card was ok for hire at kroger, walmart won't accept it bc it still has my maiden name (procrastinator, remember). If my marriage license won't work, i have to traipse me and the 2 kids down to the ss office. Yippee! I am filled with so much excitement at the thought of this that i could wet myself. But this is something i cannot procrastinate on bc they only have 3 days to file this paperwork for me to be hired. Talk about under pressure....lol.

Oh and the cheering...well it's just lovely! So lovely that I want to recite it all the time. NO not really! It goes as follows: (everyone starts clapping in no particular fashion i might add) The manager says: give me a w
employees: w
manager: give me an a
us: a
them: give me an l
us: l
them: give me a squiggle (this is what they refer to the dash as)
us: we have to actually squiggle our body
them:give me an m
us: m
them: ....an a
us: a
them....an r
us: r
them.....t
us: t
them: what does it spell?
us: walmart!
them: who's walmart
us: my walmart
them: who's important (or something to this affect)
us: the customer
them: who's the best
us: store ###3, the best you'll ever see

CORNY!
But if it makes them feel better!

I know i will sleep better at night having learned that cheer!

fyi: walmart started as a part of the ben franklin franchise. Mr. Waldon owned a franchise, then another, blah blah and then decided to open a discount store and it grew from there.

This is the kind of (almost) useless information you learn at an 8 hour orientation! Im sure that knowing that will make me a better employee! I must say though that Mr. Waldon was a cute lil old man! He seemed to come across as a very approachable guy who everyone liked!

didja know that walmart was started in Arkansas? didja know that it's international? Walmart stores everywhere!!!! LOL

OK, Makenneh wants to snuggle, so off i go! May the sandman creep up quickly on her!

Back to the grindstone

I go for my walmart orientation Thursday. It is an all day ordeal, 9-5. My friend has already gone through it..she said its watching a bunch of videos and filling out your filing status paperwork as a group (great!..i could fill the stuff out in 1o mins by myself...she said they spent about 3 hours on it). At least we are getting paid for this. And, as an added bonus, we have to learn some cheers. yes, you read that right..cheers! and a pledge! It sounds to me like walmart is trying too hard. It is so damn corny! But, what do ya do. I did CHEERleading as a kid for the youth football, I cheer for my favorite football teams, i cheer for my favorite race car driver (on the local track, forget nascar), I cheer for my kids to do a great job at the task they are working on, i cheer to the new year, to accomplishments, promotions, etc. I never planned to cheer for a damn job! And, to top the cheer/plege cake, we get to say these cheers/pledges every freakin day during set up! Yippee!!!!

All the cheering aside, I am aprehensive about this job for some reason. I really think I have mental issues that I need to deal with. I am physically ill at the thought of committing to this job. I was secretly hoping they wouldn't call me. I know it's bad and I haven't even said this to Jeremy, bc Im not sure how he would take it, as someone without depression/mental issues, it's hard for him to comprehend where I am coming from.

As a teenager, my dream job was to teach elementary school. I knew what I wanted to do. Of course, I also "knew" i wanted to get married, have kids, the house on the hill with the white picket fence. Then, when the time came to follow those dreams, i didn't know what I wanted to do. It's like i haven't found my niche in this world and Im not so sure I ever will. I always thought I would love to be a stay at home mom while the kids were little, then go to work. I suck as a housewife! I hate to clean, hate to cook and have no patience. I don't get on the floor for lengths of time to play with the kids. Bottom line is (gasp) I don't like playing house! It's just not as fun as it was when i was 6 and the "babies" were motionless, soul-less, dolls! They didn't whine and cry and demand so much of me. And best of all, i could toss them aside when i was done. Oh, and housecleaning....mom's house was already clean..didn't have to worry about it. And with imagination and a play kitchen, i could cook up anything my heart desired with no mess to clean and without having to go grocery shopping on a limited budget! Go figure!

So, i tried the Independant sales thing...doing Home & Garden Party! IT was fun for awhile, but i guess im just not driven enough to get far. I finally decided to stop renewing my designer fee last year. That also taught me that Im probably not driven enough to pursue my dream of owning my own party supply type shop. I "think" i would like to own a shop that supplies paper party supplies, wedding supplies, baby shower supplies, etc, as well as some party planning services, decorating services, etc. But, do i really have the drive to make it work?

I hate working for ppl in general. I hate having someone else dictate my life...when i have to be there, who cares if Sally has recital or your loved one is dying in the hospital...we need you. Bleh, not for me. I hate working weekends and holidays. Those are times i spend with my family. Life is too short.

I think a laid back work atmosphere with "real" people as bosses would be fine. A monday through friday, closed on holidays type job where coworkers are friendly and the people you deal with are pleasant. (i feel like im doing an ad for walgreens....know the ones im talking about...lol).

I thought about opening a daycare...but i can't do that until we get a house. It really would be ideal for me. I could set my own hours (to a degree, you have to be available when parents actually need daycare), i would be my boss (aside from the parents), it would touch on my desire to teach. (Why don't i go for a teaching degree? Bc there is no way in hell i could handle a classroom of 20 + kids who are mouthy and bratty and don't have to listen to anybody..and because, quite frankly, i hate school).

I really hope this counseling gets me somewhere. Like my family doc said....i know all the right answers, i know what i need to do, it's just doing it. I have brains, lots of brains, I just have something else (which i don't know what) holding me back. I need to crack my brain open, my soul open and find the problem. Which, brings me to another idea i had. I think i would do great at counseling. In fact, yes, i know i would. Why don't i go for at least my associates in clinical social work? Dunno! But i think that's something im going to look into. They say the best counselors are those who are in need of one or whatever. And counselors are often good at "fixing" everyone's problems but their own. ME!. I can do that! Which goes back to me knowing the right answers, what i need to do, just not being able to do them!

I know, i know...basket case! Go ahead, say it! LOL.

I've almost always been an underachiever. Family would probably disagree, but it's true. "Good enough" has always been just that...good enough for me! I guarantee that I could have graduated with higher than a 3.4 or whatever i had...but i didn't try. I never tried my hardest at anything. I wrote finals on a whim, never studied, etc. Research? Are you kidding me? Heavens no! Get a few books, skim them over and write the damn paper already! I always got good grades though! Maybe that's some of my problem....education came very easy to me k-12. I never had to put forth much effort. good enough has always been acceptable, gotten me good grades....why do more?! I know its a shitty outlook to have and i never really realized i had it til i was probably a senior. By then, hell, it had gotten me that far, why not finish the way i started.

As i sit here typing this, Ive decided to list some quirky, odd, or just plain true thoughts about myself:
*I hate obstacles. If something gets in my way, i get frustrated and often just give up. I hate hassles. If i have to be dragged through the mud, forget it. The problem is, everything i try to do ends up a hassle one way or another.
*I procrastinate. This goes back to the hassle issue. If something is going to be the slight bit of a hassle, i will put it off til "tomorrow". You know, the day that never comes. I push everything til the last minute. Sometimes i just wanna scream... LEAVE ME ALONE! Right now, for example, i am supposed to be working on my sister's fafsa application. I started it...the basics, her name, address, dob. That's about it. Why? Bc i need my parents tax crap from last year and they are outta town and ah forget it, next thing that is easier to do, please. I also feel like Im the stay at home mom with internet access so i get all kinds of "good" shit dumped on me. That's why im doing sis's fafsa. She doesn't have internet, works full time and has 4 horses (3 are hers) to take care of, a house, a fiance and a step-son. She often doesn't have time to breath. My uncle wants his business posted on one of the free listing sites i go to. Seems how its a site i know about, i am the only person to do it. Right? I don't mean to sound like i don't want to help ppl out, but sometimes, i just wish they would do the things like post an ad for themselves. It's not hard. They can figure it out the same way i did...by playing around. Any computer with internet is capable of doing a search. really. IM not making that up. So and so wants business cards, can you do them? So and so can't figure out why yahoo isn't working, can you? Pulleeaseee! I own a computer, i have internet, i use my internet...i am on puter every day...i am not a techie though. I know very little about anything important on here. What i do know has been learned by trial and error (and boy some errors are quite the biggies).
*I can't say no. I feel that if i do, im letting someone down. I do everything in my power to please EVERYONE! but me, of course. Bc me, im just me and well, not all that important afterall. As long as everyone else is happy, well....im still not happy. But, hey, everyone else is, so its ok. I had a counselor tell me once to look myself in the mirror and practice saying NO. IS she fucking nuts? I can say no to myself all day long...i do! It's saying it to another human being, with feelings and needs and desires and wants and and and what if their world collapses bc i said no?
*I hate confrontation. This kinda ties in with not saying no. I don't want to deal with anything that may lead to a confrontation. I avoid it at almost all cost. This hasn't been such a big issue, until i became a mother. My kids need me to face confrontation on their behalf. It makes me ill. Back to ppl pleasing, i guess.
*IM TIRED. Really, i think it's time to end my rant and head to bed. While im sure i could go on and on, im also sure you don't want to read about it for hours on end. LOL.

Gee, have i been taking my meds? HAHAHAHAH, yes, in fact, i have, every single day! Yet, i still seem to feel twisted up inside. Right now, i want to go outside and shout things like :
WHAT ABOUT ME?
JUST GO AWAY!
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
ME,ME, ME!
And while I'm at it, ask the good Lord for the winning lottery numbers. That would sure make life easier! LOL!

Good night all!

A night at the races

Last night our local race track had the good neighbor night. Anyone with a Clio/Mt. Morris ID got in free. So, we left the kids with my parents and we went. We had a good time. I love the rumble of the engines as they zoom around the track, the smell of rubber on ashphalt, the grit in my eyes (ok maybe not that part), but it is just exhilirating to watch.

Our day started out kinda early. We were on the road around noon. I had to stop and get a bday gift and a housewarming gift then we had an open house (college grad) party to attend at 2. WE had to leave there, attend a bday party for my friend's 2 yr old, then it was off to the races. But, before the races, we stopped at a yard sale and got a great deal. Jeremy and I each got several shirts, and a pair of pants, he got a couple sweatshirts/pull-0vers, a pair of sandals for Sebastian and Narnia DVD all for 23.00. The stuff is all in great shape. This is the best yard sale i have ever been to. These ladies print out little tags on the computer....on this tag it tells you if its mens, womens, boys, girls, the size and the price. Then they pin it to the clothes. So, there is no confusion. To top that off, they organize all the clothes by size. Even on the racks, its just like at the dept stores, they have little circle things seperating the sizes. Being this organized makes it so much easier to shop a yard sale. I hate having to dig through piles of mixed up sizes and whatnot. OH and before Jeremy and I had stopped there, I had gone with Tiffney and got Makenneh several shirts and stuff to put up for headstart!

So, yesterday was quite an eventful day and kept us all busy! I had to be up at 645 this morning bc I had to pick the kids up from my parents' at 7am bc they were leaving for the UP to camp. I literally woke up, threw clothes on and out the door I went. Then when i got there, I sat and talked to them for a few mins and then climbed in their bed and took a nap. I was sooo tired! Just glad I didn't drink last night! I would have felt even worse.

And, now for the not so fun stuff...Jeremy and I are done drinking pop! Yes, we are both highly addicted to Coke and it's time to quit. I am sure I will have some withdrawals, but I am sick of being so damn fat and this is the first step to making a change. We are also going to quit smoking. I don' t know how it will all work out as we are trying to make several changes at once, but it's time to do it. We waste money that we don't have on smokes, eating out and all that junk. Im going to focus on the money we can save and the better health. Wish me luck!

Oh oh oh..i can't believe i forgot to post this...Makenneh is doing great with potty training. I didn't buy any more pull ups this week. It's underwear only! She has had a few accidents when she waits til it's too late to decide she has to go pee, but i suspect that by the end of this week, we will be home free! I am so proud of her and make such a grand deal out of her using the potty! You other mommy's can just imagine my excitement! Of course, I was beginning to get frustrated with it, bc she was seeming to be lazy about it. she knew what she needed to do, she has been "trying" to potty train since she was a little over 2 and hadn't gotten very far. But, now we are on the right track!

Freebies

I go to babyzone and they have a bargain zone message board. I just started going to that board and I love it. One lady posted a blog that is fully dedicated to freebies from internet sights. So, you guessed it. I have spent the best part of my day right here, requesting hundreds of samples and freebies. everything from cat food, to shampoo, candles, spices, deodorant, you name it, there is most likely a sample for it. So, as most samples will arrive in 6-8 weeks, my poor mail lady is gonna need a wagon just for my samples....lol. Or at least, I hope! IT will be like Christmas! I will try to get the addy for the blog so you can all check it out! This lady must put an awful lot of work into this blog! More than I can say for myself!

I babysat my friend's lil guy today. The kids were all good, but now Sebastian is being a lil whine butt. His napping schedule was thrown off today and Im paying for it now! Hopefully he will go to bed early tonight! Like 730! And, because I have slacked all day, dinner is just now being cooked. We are having tacos and I needed a seasoning packet. Thought i had a bunch in teh cupboard...but i didn't. So, dinner is held up, waiting for Jeremy to return from Kroger with the taco seasoning!

Saturday is going to be a busy day for us. I have a college graduation party to go to, a bday party to go to and then our local race track is doing free admission for anyone living in our town. So, you betcha I wanna go!

Well, he has returned with the goods, so im off to finish dinner!

Grandma's Hands!

A friend of mine emailed me this as a forward. After reading it, I wanted to share! And, Helen, it made me think of your dad and his hands and the pictures you took of them!=)


Grandma's Hands
This is good; I'll never look at my hands the same!


Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at
her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her.

"Have you ever looked at your hands," she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?"

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.



Grandma smiled and related this story:
"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all mylife to reach out and grab and embrace life.



"They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.



"They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.



"They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.



"They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

"These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home.



When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.


I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

The Zoo

Well, being that it was a free trip for us, i feel bad even writing this. But quite frankly, I was very disappointed with the Detroit Zoo! I mean, it's very big and overwhelming, with the attractions all spread out, which is great for the animals, but not so great when you have a 3 yr old and a 15 month old in tow. It just seemed that we no sooner got to the back of the zoo and it was time to high tail it to the front to the picnic area for the lunch that my dad's company provided for us. The biggest dissappointment was the polar bear exhibit. We waited in Cedar Point like lines to walk through the underwater tunnel, to see a few seals swimming around. The polar bears were not in the water. We didn't go through the kangaroo exhibit either, bc the line was always super long and again, just too hard to stand in a long line with toddlers. Not my idea of fun. Anyway, we arrived around noon, bc we were running behind schedule and me, Jeremy and my dad were ready to go by about 3. We didn't get to see the penguins. Several other animals were not out. I would have been very upset if we had actually shelled out the money to go. It wasn't all bad and I would still recommend a visit. The only thing i suggest is to go either at the beginning of the season or maybe towards the end when maybe the weather will be cooler and more animals will be out and also to not take kids under probably 5. Another thing my sister pointed out...its a zoo. Main focus is kids, right? If you are under about 5 ft, you can't see most of the stuff without being held up.

The highlight of the trip for me was the butterfly/aviary attraction. I love butterflies and it is so neat to walk around amongst them. I had 2 butterflies land on me. The kids were in awe and Sebastian didn't want to leave the birds. He loved them. I also liked the giraffes. This was the first time i have seen a real giraffe. Ok, the Lion was awesome too. He did manage to pick his lazy head up and stare out at us! He just looked so majestic!

I think that next summer, we will take the kids to the Saginaw Zoo. My mom and I took Makenneh when she was about 2 and we had a great time. It's smaller and everything kinda runs in a circle or something, instead of all the splitting off that the Detroit Zoo does. They may not have quite as many animals as Detroit, but they have quite a few and you can get in to walk with the kangaroos without a long line. And I love their penguin exhibit. Not to mention there is fossil digging for the kids, the train, petting zoo, etc. So, it just seems that it's more geared towards youngsters than Detroit. (of course, the name of the zoo in Saginaw is Saginaw Children's Zoo...lol).

But anyway, Thank you Comau Pico for providing us with a day of fun at the zoo!

A pretty good finish

Well, the day started out kinda crappy and went downhill in a way...although i did get many bday wishes via phone, in person, email, blog and myspace! I was pretty bummed at one point this evening, after Jeremy had gotten home. I mentioned wanting to go to dinner and he said we probably couldn't afford to. I was pissed, to be honest. He said, well we could but then i can't get you what I wanted to get you. Then, my brother stopped by and said he didn't have the money to go to dinner either (we were planning on doing something together). I wanted to run to my room and cry. I hate that I get so damn emotional over seemingly trivial things, but i do. Anyway, Matt's gf stopped in and i went to kroger with her. This was going to be the highlight of my night..getting out of the house, without any kids in tow. how sad is that?! Well, she had to pick up a few things and i had to get diapers, wipes, etc. On the way back, she said that we had to stop by her place to pick something up. Well, when we got there, my mom, Jeremy, the kids, my cousin Aaron were all there. They had a cookout going and had made me a bday cake! I was surprised. My sis and her fiance were on their way as well. I was quite shocked that they managed to pull it off. LOL. Matt said he felt bad bc he knew i was getting bummed about not going anywhere...he wanted to tell me but at the same time wanted to surprise me, as the whole idea was Sara's (his gf's). I must say, they did a great job. My brother and Sara got me a shirt and a candle and my sis and Ralph got me a bunch of stuff for my new bathroom (whenever we get to move...lol). It was all the palm tree theme from Croscill. Bright vivid colors, palm trees..and the soap dish is a hammock!!! Way too cute. Can't wait to decorate the new bathroom! It will be the snazziest room in the house. Maybe tomorrow evening i will take some pics of the stuff and post them. They also got me some lottery scratchoffs, which i only won a dollar off of. I just have no luck with those things, but it's still fun to play. Oh and Sara made a cake with my favorite frosting...the funfetti frosting with the sprinkles already in it. HEHEheheh. I feel so loved and thought of. She also made the veggie stir fry that her mom had made while we were up north and I loved. It was so yummy. I want to start making that at least once a week, as its a great way to get those veggies in and I love it!

I should be in bed, as we have to be leaving here by 745 to meet at my parents' by 8am. That is just way too early for this girl! But, im not tired. And i feel like i need to round up something else...like i will be forgetting something. But i have 2 sippy cups, bottle, diapers, pull ups, change of clothes, sunblock, stroller, orajel, motrin, camera.....what am i forgetting?

Well, be watching for pics from the zoo. I am excited to experience it through my childrens' eyes. I think it will just make it all the better.

Oh and speaking of my kids, ihave to add this...makenneh sang me happy bday several times today. It just melts my heart. She is so sweet sometimes it makes it hard to believe that that same girl can be a real monster.

Well, im off to venture thru cyberspace...then off to bed!

Not a good start.....

I was woke up when hubby got up late for work. No big deal though, i just fell right back to sleep. Well, makenneh woke up around that time and came in crying.....so i came out to the couch with her. She was throwing a fit about wanting to watch her movie and woke Sebastian up, who sat in his crib screaming as if the grim reaper was ripping his limbs off. So now, it is quarter to 7 and both kids are awake on the couch, i am grumpy and tired and mad as a wet hen. They never get up this damn early...so wh;y do they have to today?

Oh and cuz Jeremy woke up late for work, there was no cute little note left for me to find this morning. UGh!!! But he did kiss on me this morning and tell me happy birthday! Right now, im safe to say there is nothing happy about it. Hopefully they both fall back asleep and let me sleep in. HAHAHHAA...not gonna happen, im sure.

Here's hopin the sandman rushes in and pulls my kids under into a nice, deep slumber that lasts until about 1130....lol!

What I really want....

Seems how my bday is tomorrow(or today if you are reading this on the 11th...lol), i decided to post the things I really want for my bday.

for just one day, i want my kids to forget how to whine, cry and fight. Just this one day. I also would like for them to just overall be good for me...follow directions, listen the first time, stay out of mischief...you know all that not so fun stuff.

I would also like for my phone to ring off the hook with bday wishes from friends and family.
I would like to be able to sleep in and wake up to the beautiful sunshine and birds chirping rather than one or both of my kids whining or crying
I would like to come out to the living room and find a love note left by Jeremy
I would like him to do something thoughtful for me. I know money is real tight right now, but the gifts from the heart are by far the best.
I would like to wake up to find that the cleaning fairies arrived during the night and left my place sparkling clean.
I would like for all telemarketers to skip my phone number for just this one day!
I would like to go out for dinner with family and friends
extra hugs and kisses from Jeremy and the kids
something special from the kids that daddy helps them make
a cool breeze
lots of sunshine
no humidity
the fleas that have infested my cats to leave
flowers (fresh picked from a field would suit me fine)
oohoooh, how about to wake up skinny? While im dreaming big..i may as well slip that in there too

I know it may seem silly, but even at 26, I am still excited about my bday! I love to have one day dedicated to me. I prefer to have it be laid back and full of family and friends. Nothing fancy or extravagant, just simple pleasures. I don't even need a bday cake. But, if anyone wants to make one...i love the funfetti frosting with the colorful sprinkles already in the frosting (not the one where you top with sprinkles). Or, better yet, I love a homemade banana cake with banana frosting....mmmmmm. OK, yes, i would love a cake. Although, mom is going to be out of town with my uncle...cousin has her senior pics tomorrow on location in Ludington. I don't see anyone else making me a cake. LOL. I thought about going to Ludington with them, as I love that town! It is so beautiful to be there, along the shores of Lake Michigan, surrounded by water and sand dunes. It is just absolutely beautiful! Not to mention, I love road trips!

I know, i sound like I want a lot, huh? But all year, i give of myself, do for others, think of others, etc. So, just one day I like to be about me.

Im back!!!

Mom got me a keyboard for my bday (which is tomorrow). She gave it to me today bc she will be out of town for most of the day tomorrow and she knows ive been fretting over no keyboard! How wonderful to type. And this is a nice keyboard. It is the quiet touch ones so that everyone doesn't hear the loud sound of me plucking away on the keys. There is still some sound, but nothing like usual. And its black, so it should hide some of the dirt and grime that always seems to collect on the darn keyboard.

Well, i had hit rock bottom with the depression thing. I went into my doc and he doubled my dose of my one anti depressant and I am supposed to call and make an appt for counseling. I am the queen of procrastination, htough. It's not that i don't wanna go...bc i very much do. Its just taking the initiative to make the darn calls to get it set up.

Saturday we go to the zoo. I am so excited. I know Makenneh will absolutely love it. Im sure Sebastian will too, but Makenneh is old enough to actually appreciate it. Not to mention, she loves animals of any kind. I will be taking my camera, so i will share the pics when we get back.

Nothing else I can really think of right now, but just wanted to post an update!!!!

Just a quick update

Well, as you read in the previous post, my keyboard is broken. It's actually the ps/2 port that the keyboard plugs into that is broken. The only way to fix it is to get a keyboard with a usb cord, which is looking like i will have to go wireless to get that. And that means money that i don't have at the moment. so, for the time being, i am offline. Right now, i am at my uncle's using his internet to update everyone and catch up on my emails and such.

This past weekend we went up north with my brother and his gf. His gf's mom has a place right by the water. It was very nice. WE spent the days on the pontoon, the evenings kicking back and hving drinks and even bonfires. Very relaxing. I didn't want to come home but reality is a bitch. LOL.

I did get some sun and look pretty good with color! LOL.

The kids are bratty as ever. nothing new there. Mom had teh kids for the weekend while we were upnorth and she finally realized what i was talking about. they gave her a run for her money. Makenneh is so darn stubborn that there is no getting through to her.

gee i feel like im trying to cram a lifetime of notes into one short post.

My bday is this friday..the 11th! I hope i get to do something nice. It seems every year my bday is crappy (with last year being an exception). It's not that i expect anything elabortate, but i like to have my special day recognized. Im thinking i would like to go out to the bowling alley. that way they can bowl and i might too, but mostly, i can have some drinks and cut loose....lol.

Well, we finally got the credit card we needed to proceed with the home loan. Now, im torn bc we just found out about a friend of the family who has a 3 bdrm mobile home for sale for a measley 3k and its said to be in nice shape. It's also in teh same school district we are house hunting in. So, jeremy and i have somet hings to talk about before diving in one way or the other.

ok, thats the most i can think to update right now..this keyboard of my uncle's is tricky and i seem to make a lot oof typos...hope everyone is enjoying the rest of their summers!!!!! Ill be back as soon as i get things taken care of!

hey...my keybrd's broken. I will b on as soon as I can.

I can't believe I forgot to post this...

My friend Stacy is now home on bed rest, rather than in the hospital. They had a slight scare, as the twins were kicking on the placenta and they were afraid it would rupture, which would result in an emergency Csection. She is almost 29 weeks pg. By some miracle, no doubt, the placenta moved and so they sent her home on bed rest. They said it is next to impossible for a placenta to move at this stage in pg, specially with twins. But, with God, all things are possible! She did spend 5 weeks in the hospital though. That had to be the roughest 5 weeks! Hopefully those little girls stay in the oven until closer to their due date!

Thanks to everyone who has kept them all in your thoughts and prayers!

Thanks Julie

Julie, Thanks for directing me to the pics you took at the zoo! They are soo cool! I can't wait. I have been there, but it was when i was a kid...so i don't remember. My brother was saying that their polar bear exhibit is the largest (or something) in the world??? At any rate, I know we will have fun! I do have a question actually. My dad was able to get 5 tix. It would be my mom, dad, me and my 2 kids for sure. But what i was wondering is if the baby would be free (he is 15 months old), giving an extra ticket for my hubby to go.

Anyway, nothing special to post about today.

You won't believe this!

LOL....Jeremy was finally approved for a second credit card. So now we have the 2nd tradeline that the broker requested to approve our loan. As soon as he gets the card in the mail we will call and activate it and then our loan officer will pull his credit one last time to show proof of the new tradeline and we should be good to go! And the pymt on the house I posted a link to is in our reach. So, hopefully we can get that house. I am absolutely in love with it. It even has a decent sized fenced in yard. I pulled in the driveway the other day and looked at it. Didn't get out of the car bc it was a bad downpour...but just wanted to see it irl. I got the warm fuzzy feeling that i could call this place home with pride. ANd i envisioned planting my flowers in the yard, which already has some landscaping done, the kids playing in the back yard, having ppl over and plenty of room for everyone. Sitting on the front porch on a cool summer night....I asked our realtor about getting in to see it. I can't wait. We also have a few other places to look at too. But nothing on that list is going to compare to this house i don't think.

Mom comes home from her camping trip today. She is always on the go somewhere. Saturday we are gonna have a bon fire and some drinks. She said that we had to have a get together when she got home, seems we had one while she was gone...lol.

Oh and we are going to the Detroit Zoo on August 12. The company my dad works for is having their work picnic there and all expenses are covered. The kids are going to love it. Ok, im gonna love it too. My dad's excited for us to go too. I think it will be so cool. Dad usually doesn't go to things like this. But these grandkids sure do bring out the best of him. =)

Well, i have a headache still (leftover from last night..lol) so im gonna get off here!

Hmmmm

Well, I finally went down and applied for a job at the new walmart opening nearby. I applied Friday and was called on Monday for an interview on Tues. The interviews (there were 2) went great and I was set up for a 3rd interview on monday. My cousin was hired already and she said that at the 3rd interview, they just have you fill out your paperwork and go for your drug test. So it sounds like I am in!

I checked the site with the houses for sale and found this one: I want it!
http://www.flinthomes.net/cgi-bin/homesearch/hsh3?;price%3Akm%3
Anum%3Age=40000;price%3Akm%3Anum%3Ale=90000;district%3Acs
=8;bedrooms%3Age=3;_order=price%3Ades;_template=detailedview;_
multidb=FAAR;_multicount=FAAR%3D30;_db=FAAR;_totalcount=30;
&_template=fullview&_startat=3&_limit=1

Hopefully it will work out, but i have lost almost all hope...lol.

Ive been off work all week so far. I was horribly out of sorts on Saturday and Jeremy called in for me bc I spent the day sobbing and miserable. I don't know exactly what it is. I just felt horrible. So, anyway, they put me on a 3 day suspension bc it was a weekend. Oh well. I would have taken the day off anyway, even if i had known that ahead of time. There was no way I could have functioned at work in the state of mind I was in.

We will see how things go when I go back. $6 an hour hardly seems worth the stress. Jeremy was understandable and said I could quit if i wanted/needed to. I love the ppl I work with for the most part, and i love being a cashier....there is just something about that place in general...or maybe it's about something deeper. I don't know. But, i called today and made an appt with my doc and will probably call tomorrow to set up an appt for counseling. I need to sort through this. I have no idea where those crappy feelings came from, but the sobbing was uncontrollable at times. So keep me in ur prayers and send some positive happy vibes my way!

Crazy, yet rewarding day at work

Well, today was an ok day at work. I was able to leave feeling like I was important and helpful. We were quite slow at work when I got there at 530pm. Then, I got this lady, so I helped I unload her cart. She was so appreciative. She threw a York Peppermint Patty on the belt to be rang up and then asked if I wanted a treat too for helping her. I said, No thank you...im just doing my job. She kept insisting. I kept graciously saying no thanks. Then, after I had her order rang, I handed her a customer comment card and said, you can fill this out for me if you would like to do something nice for me. She was so happy. It just feels good to do something so simple and be so completely appreciated. Then, about an hour before it was time to go home, i get this huge order....420.00 and some change. I have never rang up a sale so huge for groceries! Anyway, she told me that she had been in awhile ago (like within the past month) and had trouble writing a check bc our system only allows you to write checks over 100.00 if you have written 3 checks previously. So, anyway, last time she was assured that the next time she came to our store, she wouldn't have a problem writing a bigger check. Last time she had to write one check out of her personal account, one out of her business account and pay the balance in cash. She told me up front that tonight she didn't have extra cash on her. I went ahead and rang the sale. Keep in mind that this lady has lived in this town for 56 yrs and has owned a business in town (beauty sh0p) for most of those years. She is not just some Joe Blow off the street. She is a business owner in our community who has a name to represent. Anyway, the damn check wouldn't go through bc of the amount. So i called the "manager" on duty over. She said she can't over ride a check for over the limit. So, I said, why can't we let her write one check for 100 then another for teh rest of the balance. ANyway, it took several calls to different managers, my persistence to get anywhere. This poor lady had her 5 month pg granddaughter with her, a housefull of out of town guests waiting for her to return with groceries...one of the guests was her brand new grandson who was born July 10 that lives out of town and she hasn't even met yet! So, she was anxious to get home and get her hands on that baby boy! Anyway, we decided to ring up 100 worth of stuff, run the check..it cleared. So i said...shouldnt she be able to write a check for any amount now? The mngr wasn't sure it would go through, so we decided to ring another smaller sale of hers (mind you, her groceries had all been bagged, ready to go, so we have to unbag and rering). The next check for 85 went through. So I said, ok she should be good to go. We unload all of her groceries and i rering. It comes to 258 and some change....low and behold that damn check wouldn't go. I was so mad..not at the lady, but at our store for having this crazy policy and no real managers on duty to override the thing. Talk about customer service. So, i run a check through (blank bc our machine will print the checks) for 100 and it accepted....so what we did was had her fill it out for the full amount of her balance and put in the drawer....even though it was only approved for the 100. Then I cashed her balance out. My drawer will be screwed up, but balance out. Let them write me up or fire me...i have more customer service in my fucking pinky than that whole store has in their whole beings. I told that lady to call tomorrow and speak to the store manager. That is just uncalled for. The lady has technically written at least 4 checks in our store...2 out of personal accout and 2 out of bus. account...she is a local, established business owner and should not be treated so poorly. I had to bust my ass tonight to get her taken care of, and she was apologizing all the while. I told her not to apologize to me. I was doing my job. She said, yes but you don't get paid enough to have to do all this. Boy is she right. LOL. But that's neither here nor there and not her fault. She was mad, frustrated (at the store) and embarrassed. I felt so bad for her. I saw to it that she was taken care of properly. I hope she gives the manager an ear full tomorrow. I am so embarrassed to work for a company who treats their customers so poorly.

But all the mess and ass busting made me feel good about myself. I worked hard and did above and beyond what Kroger expects of me to make a customer happy! I shall give myself a pat on the back for a job well done! And hopefully, i saved the company a good customer. She had said if the check wouldn't go through, she would never shop there again, she would go to VG's which is a local competitor who has customer service down pat, for the most part! Although i must say, i wouldn't blame her in the least bit for going elsewhere after the hassle she had tonight.

Well, I am off here for now...think i will try to catch up on some sleep. I know its not really possible, but its worth a shot. My cousin kept the kids at her place tonight, bc it was easier for all of us....with me getting out so late, jeremy needing to be in bed early for an early start for work tomorrow.

Just an update

Well, we had a good time at my parents' for dad's bday. Mom made homemade banana cake with homemade banana frosting that was absolutely divine! I refused to bring a piece home for Jeremy, knowing it would never last for him to get a bite...lol.

Dad loved the power washer we all pitched in and got for him. He had to get it right out and start playing with it. I must admit, it is pretty neat. I wouldn't mind one myself. So many things you can do with it, you know, kids and candy...lol, jk.

It's much cooler today....only 80 degrees for a high. And there is a beautiful breeze. And the best part is, i don't have to be to work until 5:30. Of course, I came home to a message on my machine from Kroger, wanting me to come in at 3. But I shall ignore it. I did try calling them back but it was busy several times, so i give up. Im kinda torn though bc it would be a couple hours of overtime. But, at the same time, if i wait and go in at my regularly scheduled time, I get to see Jeremy for about an hour before I go in. And the kids are already at the sitters, so I would have a bit of time with just the two of us. I can't recall the last time that has happened. More often than not, lately, we have had extra kids here, bc my cousin babysits and then other cousins want to stay too. So it will be nice. MOney really isn't everything, right? Speaking of money..i cashed my check and by the time i paid the phone bill, the babysitter, bought us lunch, put gas in the car...i am left with a whopping 20.00...9.00 of which i spent at a garage sale on Disney movies..but get this: I got The Little Mermaid (which I have been wanting forever now), 101 Dalmations (which Makenneh saw advertised and wanted) and Bambi....all for 2.00 a piece! I am soo excited! The Little Mermaid was the first movie i saw at the theater. I went with my friend and her family and I loved the movie. Now, i own it and my kids can watch it! They had many more there, but i had to stop myself. I do need money to get me through the week with.

Well my uncle found out that he doesn't have MS, but has a form of luekemia and sleep apnea. So, for 6 yrs he has been treated for something he doesn't have and not treated for what he does have. Hopefully now he will start feeling better.

A little bit of heaven & Happy Birthday Dad!

My brother's gf, Sara, did a partial pedicure on me tonight. It felt sooo good. She soaked my feet in her foot spa with some soaking crystals, then put on a foot mask that was absolutely invigorating! After that, i soaked them a few mins and then she put on a foot lotion and a cooling spray! It felt absolutely divine! My feet already feel better.

Tomorrow, July 19th, is my dad's birthday! I am taking the kids and going over to see him before him and I both have to go to work. Mom is making his favorite meal...ground beef casserole and she is making a homemade banana cake with homemade banana frosting, plus she is doing a strawberry rhubarb pie! Delicious to both of those! Dad will be happy! We all went in and bought him a power washer that he wanted. Then, after all that good food, Dad and I both have to go to work! UGH!

Well, I hope everyone is keeping cool in this heat, unless of course, you are somewhere where it's not hot and humid! LOL! Today was actually a beautiful day! Not too bad. The kids and I spent the day at my moms and then went to my aunt kathy's and went swimming for a lil bit. AFter that, we came home and had dinner at my brothers. ANd then of course, i got my wonderful foot treatment! I could go for one of those every day! If you have never had a pedicure, I strongly suggest splurging on the treat. They are so relaxing and invigorating. Every momma deserves to be pampered every now and again!

How do you get ahead

So, I got a job to try to get us ahead. Haha! That's very funny. We were getting 188.00 a month from the state for food benefits. Because I took a part time job, they cut it all the way down to 54.00 a month. Add to that the fact that I have to pay for child care (my worker told me that we might qualify for partial child care but that they take it out of your food benefits...which, i can't afford to have cut into anymore). Also, after I get my 90 days in, i will be paying a lil over 12.00 a week for union dues, along with the gas, something to eat while at work, needing new shoes and clothes....where am i coming out all that ahead? I feel like i just made a huge mistake in getting a job. Our welfare system wants to keep you sucked in. Any time you make a move to try to better your situation, they start penalizing you so that you are still stuck in a hole. i just feel like its a hopeless, helpless situation. Im going away, leaving my babies crying at the door, every day, standing on my feet, dealing with complete idiots each shift, coming home with achy feet and legs, children who won't let me out of their sight for fear that i may leave again, dealing with their misbehavior as they adjust to this new routine, a messy house bc i have niether time nor energy to keep it up, no time with husband, very few opportunities to cook dinner, resulting in more quick crap thats not any good for you...and i don't even come out ahead of the game. Now i clearly see why ppl make a career out of the welfare system. It's so hard to get out and ahead, that they make staying on it the only option.

Anyway, Im just feeling defeated and so i will go before i bring blogworld down with me...

My day off!

Well yesterday was nice. Had a long day off...seems i was up so darn early. I got to my moms around noon. We hung around there for awhile, visiting with dad before he had to leave for work (he works 2/3 shift). Then, we met sis at a lil diner in town. It was my first time eating there. It is very tiny and quaint. Then, mom and I and the kids went back to moms for a bit. We had bunco last night as well, at moms, so I just took the kids to one of my aunts for that. And as usual, I didn't win anything. I never seem to win. oh, well..its still fun having a night without kids! Ok, really just a few hours, but still.

Today, i work at 430 and until midnight. yucky. I hate working til midnight. But then i have tomorrow off, so i guess, that gives me something to look forward to, although I have to take Makenneh for her headstart physical tomorrow.

Well, im off for now....Sebastian is down for a nap..not sleeping yet, i hear him banging around and making noise in his crib. But, i think I may try to steal a few winks myself.

Lunch Date!

I just got off the phone with my mom. My sister has today off too, so she wants us to get together for lunch. Hopefully it works out. With our crazy schedules, I haven't seen my sister much at all in a few months. It's crazy, bc we live like 12 mins apart. But, she was holding down 2 jobs at one time and now has a full time job (retail) and of course, i started a job, so we just don't have same time/days off.

Kitty update...still only 2 kittens. I can feel at least one more in there, but she just hasn't had any more yet. Im sure I will come home later today to more.

Kitties are coming!

Yes, I know.....we are bad pet owners. We didn't get our cat spayed and now she is having kitties. So far, she has two. I woke up this morning to Jeremy telling me that we have one lone kitty. It was cute, i must admit. ANd while he will probably never fess up to this, he said it the most boyish voice. It's things like that that just make my gush love even more for him. His soft side. *sigh*

But cats either have labor/delivery easy or they are just crazy. Momma cat is in there purring away through the process. She has two kitties now and at least one more in her belly and yet she purrs.

It is amazing to watch an animal give birth. So far, I have seen puppies and kittens being born. It is just incredible. Of course, aside from being present for my own children's birth, ive never witnessed child birth from "the other side". Ok, unless those birthing shows like Birth Day on discovery/tlc count. lol.

So anyway, im up now and it is only 615am. I am never up this early. It feels kinda good though. Sebastian is still sleeping, Makenneh is at gmas and it's just me. I can hear the birds chirping outside the window and of course the damn hampster running in his wheel. Why do they have to be nocturnal critters? They are so noisy when they run in the wheel.

Well, Im off to surf the web.

No excitement here

Ok, this job is beginning to wear on me already. I got my check..it was like 119.00. $70 of it went to my cousin for babysitting/housecleaning. Not to mention the fact that every weekend I work funky ass afternoon/evening hours that prevents me from doing any family activities like cooking out, visiting, etc. And my kids are only acting worse. They just whine and cry and fight and carry on. It's absolutely horrible. Sebastian doesn't like to go to bed at night and doesn't stay sleeping all night and I feel more exhausted than when I brought the newborns home from the hospital and was sleep deprived. I just want to crawl in a hole and escape from all the unpleasantness that seems to surround me. I think I am going to talk to the manager tonight and ask that I at least get some day shifts on the weekends. either that or days off on the weekends. I want/need some form of a life.

Well, I have to get off here because Makenneh is being a brat, calling Markie dumb, hitting her and being a total brat. We have to get ready and take the girls home. Then i get to come home and get ready for work. JEremy will be home just in time for me to be off to work. Yippeeee!!!!

Fireworks

I took the kids to town to see the fireworks. We went with my parents. My sister invited us to join her and her fiance at his aunt's house. We had the best view of the fireworks show. When they first started, Sebastian cried a lil bit, but as he saw how we were all reacting to them and oohing and ahhinnng, he settled down. Makenneh absolutely loved them. She was clapping and cheering hte whole time and when they were over, she didn't want to leave. She wanted more!

Then the dread came....trying to get out of the parking lot! We just sat, without starting our cars for about an hour, and let everyone else waste their gas and patience trying to get nowhere real fast! I have always said....if everyone would let one person out, the traffic, in situations like that, would flow so much smoother/faster. But instead, everyone wants to be selfish and in a hurry, so nobody gets far.

My feet are absolutely killing me. I HAVE to get different shoes. The shoes I have, I noticed, are not the ones i have had for years, but ones my cousin gave me. they are not flat soles...they have a bit of a heal on them. I never really noticed this before, but then, Ive never had to stand for hours at a time in them either. Towards the end of my shift last night, i couldn't hardly stand on them at all. I bought some insole things before I left work. I hope they will help until i can get new shoes. I don't have another pair that i can wear. Well, mom said she has a pair at her house that she thinks will fit me. I will have to try them out.

And exhaustion. I don't think I have ever been so tired in all my life. I just want to sleep....for a few days straight. I am hoping that i have the first few days of the week off, bc i need it. Of course, i don't get days "off" bc I still have to tend to the kids...but at least, im not on my feet.

Well, im too tired to keep sitting here, typing. So, im off to kick my feet up..until i have to chase after a kid!

Moral Dilemmas

Well, mom is back from her trip to TN with my friend, Tiffney and her mom, Kathy. (Kathy and my mom are good friends). Well, I was finally able to ask mom today how the trip went. The things she told me have broke my heart. I am sick.

I will start with saying that Tiffney and I have been friends since 7th grade, so...like 15 yrs. As some of you may recall...Tiffney has 2 girls and then she also has custody of her husband's nephew through the foster system. They receive monthly checks to care for him.

Well, they have always treated Jordon differently bc he isn't "theirs". But, the things that happened on this trip, in front of my mom, mortify me. For instance, they rented a chalet. For those of you who don't know, its like a house. Anyway, get this....her girls (7 and 3) slept on the pull out couch in the living room. Guess where J slept? In a fucking closet in his pack and play with an air conditioning vent blowing down on him. That isn't the top of it, though. She brought blankets for her girls (their special blankets). Didn't bother to bring one for J. The adults would wake up cold in the morning and her comment regarding J was....oh well, he has a sheet, that's his problem. WTF! You are kidding me, right?! He isnt even 2 yet. How is anything "his" problem? Then, she didn't bring a sippy cup or anything for him. When they went to the restaraunts, she didn't order him anything....and would only order him a water (bc she didn't have the money). Ummmm the state pays them to take care of him and he has to go without or with less?? Now don't get me wrong..he did eat...just from other ppl's plates. When they would go to McDonalds....she would order her girls happy meals but just order jordon a 4 piece chix nugget. So, they get drinks and toys. He saw ariel's pop and was like "Pop!". My mom said, where is his pop? Oh, he didn't get one. My mom was livid. She said, well ill go get him a damn pop then! Kathy said, well there are juice boxes in the van. So, mom gave jordon the juice box. ummm...oh. The carseat! His carseat still has the straps in the bottom rungs. This is a huge no no. They should be in the top rungs for him. so, bc it doesn't fit him right, tiffney loosened the straps up quite a bit, to where he could get out of the damn carseat. May as well not one, right? Then, when he would take his arms out of the straps and or climb out, they were constantly yelling at him. Not his fault...mom's fault. When they went to Dollywood....the girls got treats and treasures...he got nothing! The girls got new outfits and purses...jordon got nothing. When they went on one outting, he sat in a shitty diaper for 5, yes five, hours! His butt was so raw it was bleeding and tiffney wouldn't spend a few bucks to even buy the kid something to put on his raw, bleeding butt! I have 2 kids and the ONLY time I have had to deal with any form of diaper rash is when they have real bad diarhea. Other than that, they do not get diaper rashes! One time she smacked his hand so hard, it was red for several hours!

So, on to the moral dillemma!!!! My heart breaks for this child. My mom sobbed when she got home last night and was telling my dad all of this stuff. My mom said she honestly hopes that God calls that poor little boy home soon, to get him out of that hell hole he is subjected to. As a foster child, she had to sign a paper that would never hit him, period. Well, she does more than hit him. She beats his ass over the most trivial things. OH and back to the McDonalds thing....Ariel threw her toy at him and hit him so hard in the head, it bruised. Now, if he had done that to ariel, he would have had his ass beat. She didn't get in any trouble. So, anyway, the parental rights have finally been terminated on Jordon, meaning that he can now be adopted. They have filed to adopt him. I just think it's sad. he was originally placed with a foster family that has his sister. Tiffney and her hubby fought to get him and for what? For a paycheck? They don't have his best interests at heart. A social worker comes out once a month, as does Jordons lawyer and now the adoption worker. Yet, everything checks out fine with them. OF course it does. They have to call in advance when they are coming out and of course, their best foot is put forward. Nobody sees what really goes on behind closed doors. And if they were this horrible in front of an "outsider" ( my mom), how bad are things when nobody is around? Especially knowing where my mom stands with fair/equal treatment of siblings, child abuse, overall treatment of kids?

I really want to speak up. I do not want them to adopt this child. I want him to have a chance at a normal, loving family life. Every child deserves that. But, I also don't want to lose a friend over it. Of course, a huge voice is screaming in my head....if this would end a friendship, the friendship wasn't worth having. But, in other aspects, she is a great person, definitely a good friend. But, i just can't stand to allow this go on. I will forever live in guilt if i don't do something. I don't think talking to Tiffney will get me far. She is very stubborn, snotty and opinionated. She is like her dad in that ppl outside of the family are not as important. That's why jordon gets treated so bad...bc he isn't part of their core family..kwim?

If we call to make a report of sorts, anything brought up from the vacation, like sleeping him in a closet with a vent blowing cold air on him and no blanket, or sitting in a shitty diaper for 5 hours until his ass is bleeding, they will know where the report came from. I am leaning towards making an anonymous call to the foster care worker or something. I don't want her kids taken away...she treats them decent. It's jordon i want placed in another home. I do think that if i just called about her spanking (using that word very loosely here), that would be enough for them to look into things. But as ive stated, whenever the state comes out, everything checks out bc they don't obviously hit him or scream at him or mistreat him in front of the state workers.

The sick part is, she knows its wrong bc she even has told her 7 yr old to never tell anyone that they hit jordon bc then they would take away all the kids...of course when you instill that fear in a child, they aren't going to talk. no child wants to be taken away from their mom. I just don't see why they want to adopt him when they don't even like him. She talks about being attached to him, but i think it really boils down to being attached to his paycheck. She has said that they counted on his check to make thier house payment when they bought their house and that's why they are in financial trouble right now is bc the state was delayed in getting the checks started. So to me that clearly shows that they are concerned more with his money than doing what is best for him.

OK, i have ranted enough. I need to think this all through. Tomorrow is monday. right now, i have to get off here...I am sick. I have a huge lump in my throat and my heart is just aching. Anyway, please pray for Jordon, for me that I will do what is best and that I will have the strength to do what i need to do.

Before I go to bed.....

Work is crazy! They call me every day before my scheduled time, wanting me to come in early. I usually can't because of needing a babysitter. It is just frustrating that they have that much trouble with scheduling. Seems like someone doesn't know what they are doing! Next week, though, I am on the schedule for 39.75 hours! That means that they won't be calling me in early, bc it would put me into overtime. LOL.

Sebastian has another case of diarrhea. Im gonna have to call the doctor and see what is causing it. He can't even sleep, it hurts so bad. Ironically, we got our water report in the mail today and it tested good in everything, including e.coli bacteria, meaning that can't be the issue as I originally thought. So, maybe it's lactose intolerance. I just know how exhausting it was last time we went through this..i can't imagine going through it again, especially now with me working. Im already exhausted...

Speaking of exhausted...guess what?!! I went to bed at about 130am...and I didn't wake up until Jeremy got home (yes, HOME) from work at 130pm! 12 hours of uninterrupted, blissful sleep! It was great! Although i couldn't help but feel like the day wasted! And i also felt bad bc I had told my aunt and uncle that I would be there to get the kids as soon as I got up and around...which i guess..i called as soon as i got up. But, im sure they weren't expecting I meant late afternoon! I didn't think i was meaning late afternoon, myself. They didn't mind, though.

Im feeling a bit envious. Jeremy has a 4 day weekend! I don't get a day off til thursday! And then it's back to work on friday!

An update on my friend Stacy....I talked to her sister today and found out that Stacy's mother in law is going to Germany to help them out! That is just so wonderful! The kids will love having grandma and Jon will definitely appreciate having help with the kids. His mom raised 9, so she can tackle 3! LOL. And I know it will ease Stacy's mind knowing that she is there to help out. Not to mention, it will feel good to have family there! She gets along great with her mother in law. She is one of the lucky ones who got a wonderful family of in laws. They all love Stacy(of course, anyone who meets Stacy loves her..she is a wonderful person!) and all stick together and help each other out. She is very lucky. I was talking to my mom today and she was so happy to hear that Stacy's mother in law will be able to go out there. My mom said she was trying to think of a way she could go for awhile to help out. Motherly instincts kicking in.

Oh..and as I was trying to get out the door tonight for work..i had some challenges. Makenneh started crying and sat in front of the door...saying she didn't want me to go a hurk. She wanted me to stay home. It was so sad. defintely pulls on the heart strings! I had cashed my check and bought some groceries and got some of the ice cream we have on sale....including dora popsicles. So i told Makenneh that I have to go to work so I can buy her things like popsicles. She says, mom, I don't want popsicles. Such a grown up concept coming from my 3 yr old daughter! She will gladly exchange material possessions for mom to stay home. that makes it that much harder to go in. but, in all honesty, this job does help. It's extra money, will make it easier to catch up on bills and afford a house. But, im with makenneh...skip all the fancy stuff...who needs it. But, i DO want a house. This trailer is consuming me.

Ok, its quarter to 3 in the morning...Makenneh woke up about a half hour ago and hasn't gone back to sleep and I need to work on getting her to sleep. I need some sleep, even if i did get 12 hours last night. It felt so good, i can't even explain it.